Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Team Rocket is definitely the most adorable group of villains on this list. I mean, they shouldn't really even be classified as villains since they haven't ever been successful in doing anything "evil". But they're so cute with their matching outfits and talking Meowth and long motto that a large part of me always kind of wants them to catch a break and steal that Pikachu once and for all. And what's their story anyway? Lots of people claim that James is gay but sometimes you'll catch a moment between them that's filled with sexual tension. Are they or aren't they? Will we ever find out?
The last thing you hear before you die: show tunes. Say what you will about the quality of The Simpsons in recent years, but you can't deny that episodes with Sideshow Bob are always top notch. I mean, dude is voiced by Kelsey Grammer! I'm pretty sure that man was created for the sole purpose of providing voices for cartoon villains. I mean, he's voiced other kind of characters, sure, but they all sucked. I wonder why Kelsey Grammar doesn't narrate things the way Morgan Freeman does. He should.
Holy shit, where do I begin? I didn't watch Ferngully for nearly 10 years because Hexxus scared me so much. What the fuck is he anyway? One minute he's a sludgy skeleton, and the next he's this singing cloud of gas. Hexxus is voiced by the one and only Tim Curry. And he sings a song about pollution and I gotta say, for a children's movie, it's pretty sexual. That's kind of ridiculous. I mean, the film's whole message is about how we need to preserve the environment, and yet they make pollution sound like the sexiest fucking thing in the whole world. I'm not even kidding! You can listen to the song here.
Dr. Bushroot makes me sad. He wasn't evil before he became half plant-half duck. He was always picked on by his colleagues and so after his accident, he had a lot of built up anger issues and thus became a villain (see kids, THIS is why you shouldn't bully others). I think it'd be super sweet if he was in a movie where he had to battle Hexxus. Remind me to write that screenplay later. Anyway, it disappoints me that he chose to use his plantlike abilities for evil rather than good. Who doesn't like a man that likes flowers?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
You'll get off the bus in front of a Safeway. DO NOT go into that Safeway; that is not where I live. I live in another place that is not a grocery store.Did you know that Megan also has a blog? Check out what she has to say at http://whichbegsthequestion.blogspot.com/!
Cross the street towards the McDonalds. I also don't live in the McDonalds, so don't be fooled. It is merely a landmark on the journey to putting yourself inside Megan's apartment.
Keep going straight along Cardero for one block, through a little bike park. Then you will be at ________ St. Turn right. Halfway down that block is **** ________ St., which is the building I live in. It is also called ***** Manor, but despite this confusing moniker, not everyone who lives in this building is called *****. To call all people emerging from this building "*****" would result in little more than confusion and embarrassment.
The door to the building is glass, which means that it is see-through, but its transparency does not mean that you can also walk through it; to do so would be ill-advised and injurious to your health. Instead, turn your head slightly to the left of the door, where there is a buzzer and a set of numbered buttons.
You will enter the number "***" into the buzzer pad. At first this may cause some consternation, as a cursory examination of the pad will clearly indicate that it only goes as high as the number nine, let alone well into the high hundreds. But fear not! You will accomplish this seemingly impossible task by first depressing the number *, then *, then * again. (Upon reflection, you will likely realize that these three buttons combine to create the triple-digit code listed above). Once you have completed this, engage patiently while the panel activates and makes a "ring" or "tone" sound.
Shortly thereafter, you should hear a voice issuing from the panel; if you have performed the previous step correctly, that voice should be mine (if it is not, graciously excuse yourself, disconnect and repeat the above dialing process). NOTE: my voice issuing from the panel should not be taken as evidence that I live inside the panel, and to attempt to detach the panel and thus free me from my electronic prison would likely result in interference from the building management or proper authorities. Once we have confirmed each others' identities, I will press a button on my phone that will electronically unlock the outside door to my apartment. You will hear a click and a buzz, whereupon you should grasp the handle of the glass door firmly, tug it towards you and pass through the opening created, allowing the door to close behind you once you have entered.
You are now in the lobby of my building. Congratulations! Stride forcefully towards the wood-paneled door directly ahead of you (a confident walk is necessary, for elevators are sensitive and may not respond to a fearful call); take care to stop soon enough that you not collide with the door, but you will see two buttons by the side of the elevator and you must stop within reach of them. Depress the button with an arrow that points upwards.
(Pro Tip: Not sure which way is up? Take a pencil, coin or other small item; hold it extended away from your body and then release it from your hand, so that it falls. The direction opposite to the way the object falls is up.)(Be sure to retrieve your small item after you have done this, particularly if it is a coin, which can be exchanged for goods and services.)
Once you have depressed the "up" button, you should wait patiently until the doors of the elevator open. When they do, walk forward into the elevator, taking care not to collide with the back wall. Once your whole body is inside the elevator, stop and turn to face the direction from which you have just come; you will notice a panel of numbered buttons that were previously hidden from view by dint of your spatial orientation. You may feel overwhelming exhaustion at the sight of further buttons but do not be alarmed: this task is much simpler than the previous numbered buttons, as you must only press one of them.
Press the button marked "*". Momentarily, the doors to the elevator should close, and the elevator itself will begin to rise upwards with you inside of it, on its way to the *****th floor. Please note that if other people are in the elevator with you, they may disembark at other floors that are NOT the *****th floor, and you may need to use quick judgment skills to determine whether their leaving the elevator is an indication that you, too, should leave the elevator. If the elevator stops on floors *-* then, regardless of the actions of others, you should remain inside it, confident that your destination has not yet been reached.
Upon arrival at the *th floor (Pro Tip: there is a panel of number-shaped lights above the elevator door; the number which is lit correlates exactly with the floor the elevator is currently on), exit the elevator and turn to your left. Once you have done that, you will notice that a door bearing the number "***" is merely a few steps forward and to the left of you. Approach this door and knock your fist against it between two and five times (be creative!) to create a series of sharp sounds, which will alert me (on the other side of the door) that you are hoping to put yourself inside my apartment, and are only separated from your goal by the unfortunate fact of the door. I will thus endeavour to remove this final obstacle by unlocking and opening the door, allowing you entrance into my apartment, whereupon we will celebrate your success in a manner to be determined at the time.
I hope these instructions are detailed enough, and look forward to your visit!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
1. I was in my grade 12 social class, spacing out and chewing gum like a lazy motherfucker with my mouth open, and the gum fell out of my mouth and onto the floor. My initial reaction was sheer embarrassment, and I frantically looked around to see if anyone near me saw it. Nobody did. But the shame never went away and I carry it around with me everyday.
2. Again in grade 12, my parents took me and my brother to see Borat. Which is like, one of the most awkward movies you could watch with your parents, but my parents are pretty cool so that was fine. But it was kind of lame being 16 and going to a movie with your mom and dad and little brother. The worst part of this experience was when the movie was over me and my mom waited outside of theatre 8 because my dad and brother were using the washroom. This guy that I was hardcore crushing on came out of the theatre with his friends and omg I died. The next school day when he saw me he was like, "Did your parents like the movie?" omg I'm crying right now just thinking about it.
3. Last Christmas, I flew home from Vancouver to Calgary. I was using the self check in machine and I must've looked confused because a nice WestJet employee came over to help me. When my boarding pass had been printed, she turned to me and said, "have a nice flight!" I then replied with, "you too!" I should've just played off that faux pas (awesome word) like it was nothing, but I realized my horrible mistake and immediately said, "OH NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" The employee was super cool about it though. She was like, "oh honey, I wish I was flying today!" and then I smiled and ran away. I wish I could be as cool as her.
4. On Sunday, we were having our big family Thanksgiving dinner. I proudly walked into my aunt and uncle's kitchen where my extended family was and gave my best, most flamboyant "HAAAAAY!" expecting them to laugh or even say "HAAAAY" back to me. Nobody said anything. They all stared.
5. When I was 18, me and my mom made plans to go see a play at Stage West in Calgary. In case you don't know what that is, it's this kind of dinner theatre production company. So me and my mom had our dinner, and then the show started. Halfway through the show, I puked. I awkwardly and silently ran to the bathroom and continued puking for like, 10 minutes. When I thought it was done (keyword thought), I got some paper towel and tried to wipe the puke off my sweater. This is where it got super awkward. I was in the middle of trying in vain to clean myself up, when this old lady came into the washroom. She looked at me and was like, "did you spill?" and I was like, "no I threw up", and there was a REALLY REALLY LONG PAUSE and she was like, "that's a shame." and ran out. Some other fun facts about that night: Everything I ate came out in reverse order. I puked in a bucket in the backseat of my car for the whole ride home, and then I eventually started puking blood. Yep, great night.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
So, I really don't like Glee. I think it's the most irritating show on TV right now, but that's a rant for another day. I keep torturing myself by watching Glee every week because of Jane Lynch. I'm not exactly sure what it is about her, but I do know that her smile melts my heart.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Guys seem to have huge hate ons for ducklips. I for one, am a fan. When I'm out with my girls getting sloshed and leading unattractive people on and the camera comes out, I resort to two classic photo techniques; angle pictures and ducklips. Why? Because I'm obviously a party girl! Besides, smiling nicely in pictures is too risky. Everytime I smile like society tells me how I should, a plethora of anxieties overcome me. Am I showing too much gum? Am I squinting too much? Will my phantom lazy eye make an appearance in this photo? Will I sneeze at the last minute? Will this photo go on the internet and greatly reduce the chances of me getting laid?