Tuesday, March 29, 2011

do the right thing

I can't watch animals suffer without trying to help, so if you're reading this, check out the horrors that are happening at the Guzoo Animal Farm in Three Hills, Alberta.

You can sign a petition to shut down the "zoo" here.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Oh sweet... another election

Hey Canada, we're having another federal election! Do you know who you're voting for?

Cause I don't.

Don't worry, I'm not going to use my blog to tell you who I think you should vote for (unlike most bloggers). And I won't lie, I'm not the most educated on the subject of Canadian politics. But I do know that voter apathy is an issue among Canada's youth, so here I am, a Canadian youth, offering my voice on the situation.

In the past, I have worked towards fighting the good fight against voter apathy - by proudly casting my ballot and encouraging my peers to do so as well. However, I'm just about ready to wave my white flag.

First of all, I'm starting to feel like Canada has an election as regularly as a healthy woman's menstrual cycle. Of course I'm exaggerating, but it seems as though the past few elections have costed millions of dollars and much of our precious time while the results have always been similar. I'm getting this kind of "my vote won't change anything" kind of vibe from people, and to be honest, I'm feeling that attitude too.

Secondly, the candidates don't appeal to us. I don't know if they even try to relate to us. In America, politicians will appear on Saturday Night Live... if the Canadian government wants young people to vote, they need to step up their game. Maybe a whole bunch of famous Canadians can get together and make inspirational videos about how important it is to vote! Imagine: A PSA featuring Justin Bieber explaining how important democracy is, followed by an acoustic rendition of one of his songs. He could even change the lyrics to baby, baby, baby, vooooooote! But you know what, this would probably never work because everyone would probably just vote for whichever candidate doesn't have Nickelback's vote. But you know what I mean. Appeal to the youth.

And lastly, and the most frustrating part for me is the fact that none of the candidates are trustworthy. I mean, I usually like at least one major candidate more than the others, but not so much this time. We've got Stephen Harper, a man who can't even be honest enough to admit the fact that his hair is fake; Michael Ignatieff, a man who calls for an election even though he's slipping in the polls; and Jack Layton, who reminds me of a guy that might drive a white van and hang around elementary schools (that's probably not true at all, but he does creep me out and I know I'm not the only one). And then we have Elizabeth May, who I don't know too much about, other than the fact that there's virtually no chance of her party ever rising to power.

So there we are with my theories on why young people seem to not care about Canadian politics. Facetiousness aside, I'm definitely becoming worried about the future state of our country (and the rest of the world, really). I'm concerned that none of the above choices will be progressive ones. Maybe it's not too late for Mayor Naheed Nenshi to start a campaign?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

top 5 cartoons I will force my future children to watch

Okay, confession time... I love cartoons. Children's cartoons. And I'm 21. And if I ever have children, they'd better love cartoons too. Or else I'll make them watch me eat giant jars of Nutella all by myself and I will not share. I haven't done a top 5 in a while, so here's a list of the top 5 cartoons I will make my children watch:

1. Franklin

Raise your hand if the first thing you thought when you saw this picture was "HEEEEEEY IT'S FRANKLIN!"

Franklin can count by twos and tie his shoes. He can button buttons and zip zippers. He's also kind of a huge idiot. He's a perfect example of how to fail at life. I know he's young and all, but seriously Franklin, you are the stupidest one out of all of your friends. And on a side note: Why does Badger need walkers? Never mind, I just wikipedia'd the show and apparently Badger has cerebral palsy but it was never mentioned on the show. What's the point of giving a character a disability and never mentioning it? Regardless, I'll make my future kids watch this show so they can learn to not do stupid shit like lose their favorite toy.

2. Pokemon

What is going on in this picture? I don't even care because IT. IS. AWESOME.

Shit yeah, I love this show. I'm actually in the process of watching all of it from the very beginning, which is kind of daunting because there are 14 seasons and counting. I haven't decided yet if I want my kids to watch this show in its entirety... it will all depend on if Jesse and James from Team Rocket will ever hook up (I REALLY HOPE THEY DO! Or at least just make out a little to see what it's like).

3. Babar

Babar looks better in green than St. Patrick. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

Holy shit, Babar. Did you know that Babar's wife, Celeste, is his cousin? GROSS! But I try not to judge. That tends to happen a lot in the animal world. Anyway, Babar is pretty awesome, but the REAL star of the show is Retaxes. Even though he's like, the most passive aggressive villain ever. I mean, he's definitely the antagonist most of the time, but he never puts Celesteville in any real danger. What's your deal Retaxes?

4. Arthur

The biggest badass motherfucker on PBS.

I don't have to justify how awesome Arthur is. I still watch this shit like the world will end if I don't.

5. Ferngully

The Batty Koda rap: the anthem of our generation

This is what I'll force my kids to watch when they've been misbehaving, because chances are, Hexxus will scare the shit out of them like it did to me. Hell, I'm still afraid of Hexxus. Regardless of how much shit in my pants Hexxus has caused me over the years, this is still one of the best movies ever.

Monday, March 21, 2011

how to be a dignified poor student

I'm not gonna lie, being a student can be totally awesome, but it can also be the shits. And it's usually an unpleasant experience for some because money can be difficult to come by. But fear not! I have been there and survived it, and with my help you will survive it too.

1. Apply for scholarships/grants/anything. I didn't do this when I was in school, but I really wish that I had. They definitely cover most, if not all of the tuition cost so it's less of a stress on your life savings/your parents. Even if you think you don't have a chance at getting one, try for it anyway! You might have a chance!

2. Find a place to live. If you're not living in residence, that is. You're allowed to have standards, but don't aim too high! You'll probably need a room mate or two or three or twelve, but you gotta do whatever it takes to keep the rent paid!

3. Go to Costco with your parents. If you're lucky, you'll have European parents whose only major concern about you is what you'll be eating. I suggest you take a trip to Costco and buy large quantities of your favorite non perishable foods and house supplies. At first you might be like, "there's no way I need 1000 rolls of toilet paper", but you'd be wrong!

4. Accept free things. You should never have to buy things like condoms. Learn which places are having promotions; sometimes McDonald's gives away coffee for free! So if you live near 3 different McDonald's locations, that's 3 free coffees! You know this advice is golden, so take it.

5. Learn to like beer. This doesn't mean you can't splurge on your favorite merlot every now and then, but when you're at the bar with your class mates after (or before) class, save a few bucks and get the beer that's on special. You're not going to drink today? Drink water.

6. Bring your student ID with you everywhere. There are so many places that will give you a discount on stuff if you can prove that you're a student! Including public transportation. Ask everywhere if they offer student discounts. Who cares if it makes you sound cheap? You can also get a SPC (Student Price Card) which entitles you to discounts from many places! BMO sent me one for free last summer and it's good until July!

7. Visit home often. I cannot stress how important this one is! Come home all the time. Like every weekend maybe. And visit your family lots, because if your family is awesome like mine, they'll subtly slip you hundred dollar bills when nobody else is looking! And always be like, "Man, I wish I could afford some new jeans." Because there's a chance that your mom will take you shopping! Don't be afraid to see how much your parents are willing to pay for! You'll pay them back when you're a successful whatever-you're-studying-to-be!

8. Use holidays to your advantage. Take the stress out of shopping for your family and friends and just be upfront about what you want for Christmas/your birthday/Valentine's Day/Easter/whatever holiday. You want money. And only money. If you sense that they're uncomfortable with giving you money, ask for gift cards instead. That's another thing, accept gift cards to everywhere. It's better than spending your own money. Even if you think you'll never in a million years need a gift card to a certain place, hang on it, because it might just save your life.

I hope these tips help you out. Being poor sucks, but like anything, with enough practice you'll learn to be great at it!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

gotta get down on fried eggs

Apparently I've been too focused on the situation in Japan lately, because I had no idea that this video existed until yesterday. I'm of course talking about the musical masterpiece known as "Friday" by 13 year old Rebecca Black.

At first, I didn't understand what the hate on this video was all about. I thought that she and a group of her friends had written and recorded the song themselves, and filmed a video for it all on their own. I was impressed that a group of 13 year olds could produce something that looked so professional. But then I found out that an actual record label invested money into this production and now all I can do is facepalm.

The record label Rebecca Black has signed with is known as "Ark Music Factory" (more like "Evil Music Factory" AMIRIGHT AMIRIGHT?)- a label who evidently casts young talent to record their songs. But not without the help of auto tune! Which is a shame, because these young kids probably do have some amount of legit talent.

I just don't understand the process. Do these song writers actually get paid for shit like this? Do the executives get to see the finished product before it is released? And if so, do they actually watch it and go "WE'VE GOT THE NEXT BIG HIT ON OUR HANDS!" I mean, they probably think they're helping these kids' careers but honestly... who would pay money to see Rebecca Black sing "Friday" live? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller? Didn't think so. And what exactly is the target audience they're trying to cater to? I think I would've felt that my intelligence was being insulted if this song came out when I was a child.

If you think you can stomach it, check out some of the other talent on Ark Music Factory's roster.

And you thought Justin Bieber was annoying? But I can't in good conscience bash these kids for doing what they love to do, so maybe this is one of those rare times where we should "hate the game, not the player".

Monday, March 14, 2011

how did this happen?

This song is on the the first Pokemon Movie's soundtrack. WHY?

in the news: stupid people

So, in case you've been living under a rock, a huge earthquake shook up Japan this past Friday and resulted in a tsunami. They're expecting over 10 000 casualties. And this is more than a big deal. So you should all do something to help. I don't care how broke-ass poor you are, the Japanese need your $5 more than you do.

In Canada: Text "REDCROSS" to 30333 to make a $5 donation.

If you're one of my few and cherished American readers, Text "REDCROSS" to 90999 to make a $10 donation.

You may be wondering why the title of this post is "in the news: stupid people". Well, today I'm just about ready to give up on humanity. HERE'S WHY!

This morning I check www.perezhilton.com to read up on all of my Hollywood gossip, and I see he's made a post about this girl. I'm not going to say whether I agree or disagree with what this girl is saying, but did she really find it necessary to call out a specific group of people? Literally everyone that I know has had an experience with someone being too loud in a library, but not once have they ever pointed out a specific race as the target of their frustration. Instead of alienating Asians, couldn't she have said something like, "I find it really annoying when people are loud in libraries when I'm trying to study." Because I'm pretty sure that not only Asians abuse libraries.

Then I see that he's posted a video from God's little messenger. I don't even know what to say in response to that other than... "LOL WUT?" And you know what? I'm not even an atheist and I think she's ridiculous. People are entitled to be as religious or non religious as they want, but this girl is basically saying "I AM DELIGHTED THAT SO MANY PEOPLE DIED!" And that's pretty insensitive.

OH AND THEN! He gives stand up comedian Gilbert Gottfried some attention for posting tasteless jokes about Japan on his twitter. I get it, sometimes when we're struck by tragedy we don't know the right words to say, so we make an awful joke about the situation to try to ease the tension. I get the point of shock humor, but to make these jokes on a public forum such as twitter merely days after thousands of people have lost their lives? Not okay, Gilbert. If you simply must tell these kinds of jokes, maybe consider doing them in private so you don't offend the entire world next time? Yeah? Maybe? Please?


Oh and you know what else is upsetting? The State of Georgia is hoping to pass a law that would allow women who have miscarriages to receive the DEATH PENALTY. Because, you know, miscarriages are just free abortions! Everyone who has one CLEARLY didn't want to be pregnant to begin with, right?

This is beyond frightening, people! It's 2011, and we're supposed to be progressing in order to achieve a happier and healthier world for our children. How are we expected to even have children if we can be punished by death for miscarrying? If everyone in the world was enrolled in the University of Creating A Better Future right now, I think we'd all be flunking.

I think everybody owes everybody an apology. I think we need to all take a long LUSH bubble bath and decompress. I think we all need to cool off and maybe have a good night's sleep. And when we wake up, let's have a group hug and help Japan rebuild itself. Let's solve one problem at a time and we'll all feel better.

I feel better already.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

blind people

When I was little, I used to think that blind people had no eyeballs, and that they wore sunglasses because they didn't want to scare people with their eyeball-socket faces.

Of course, in my adult life I realize that my childhood notion is completely ridiculous, but I can't help but wonder what Stevie Wonder's got going on under those shades.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

biggest buzzkill awards

This past weekend, I had the rare pleasure of stumbling upon The Magic School Bus on TV. I was so happy to find this gem from the 90's that I got up from my couch and did a little 90's dance (aka the Macarena... JK I didn't actually dance. But I felt like it. You get the point). I have never experienced such joy in my life. But sadly, my glee was short lived, all because some orange haired fucker opened up his big mouth and said, "please let this be a normal field trip!"

I was then reminded of how much I hate Arnold.

First of all Arnold, what exactly do you have to whine about? There's like, how many kids in your class? 8? Do you know how lucky you are to have that kind of education? You're going to be so smart when you grow up! Did you ever stop and think that maybe your class goes on so many field trips because the school can actually afford to send all of you into space? Didn't think so. Really Arnold. If you hate it so much, I'm sure you can easily transfer to Phoebe's old school. Nobody would miss you.

And Arnold, do you know how many kids would kill to have field trips every day? Seriously, who the fuck likes to learn about things by sitting in desks and listening to teachers talk all day? When I was a kid, I was stuck inside a classroom all day long watching you when you were taking field trips into space or a volcano or Dorothy Ann's textbook. Your life isn't that bad, so shut up.

You know what pisses me off the most? You're in what, third grade? And taking field trips into Ralphie's knee? You know where I went on a field trip in grade 3? Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. AND THE BUS BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME! So stop complaining about your awesome school life.

I hope Arnold grew up to be miserable. He was probably the kid who brought 70 inhalers to sleep away camp for the weekend and wore a nose plug in the pool. He probably brought his cousin Janet to prom cause nobody else would go with him. And he's probably a really successful accountant or lawyer, but his wife who looks just like him (Janet again, possibly?) left him for the traveling door-to-door vacuum salesman. Bottom line, everyone else in his class probably wins at life, and he loses. And for that, he wins a Biggest Buzzkill Award.

It should be stated though, the voice actor who portrays Arnold is Danny Tamberelli, known from the awesomeness that is the show The Adventures of Pete and Pete and Nickelodeon's All That.

Friday, March 4, 2011

time is such a buzzkill

Charlie Sheen is literally everywhere lately! And he's so wacky I can hardly stand it! But I'm not gonna lie, I'd be more impressed with all of his antics if he still looked like this:

But unfortunately, he looks like this now:

If I could ask Charlie Sheen anything, it'd be:
-Do people refer to your brother as "EMILIOOOOOOOO" in front of you? How does it make you feel?
-Why haven't you changed your hair style in the past 20 years?
-Why are you always frowning at me!? :(
-I want to be "winning!" too! How do I achieve this?
-I heard a rumor that Jon Cryer paints his hair on everyday. Is this true?
-Have you ever punched the kid from your show in the face? If not, you probably should consider it...

Anyway... I hope you keep on "winning", Charlie. Don't exhaust yourself!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

wisdom teeth: in memoriam

Today marks a very important day in the history of me. One year ago today, I had my first surgery ever: wisdom teeth removal. It was a relatively simple process... I remember going in really hungry, and leaving the dentist's office really sleepy. I figured that I might never have something like this ever happen in my life again, so I took pictures of my first few days of recovery for nostalgia purposes.

This was the day of the surgery. I'm trying REALLY hard to smile in this picture... it was hard. ALSO I was very confused in this picture because the anesthetic was wearing off during my surgery so I started freaking out and this dental assistant kept telling me that I was doing really well and that when I have a baby the pain will not be as bad then as it is now?!? Pretty sure that's a lie. Now I want to have a baby just to see if she was right.

Day 2! Not even gonna bother smiling.

Day 3. My chin looks weird. But on the other hand, where is that shirt? I want to wear it today.

I think this was day 4. I must've gone out that day cause I made the effort to put on some eyeliner.

Is this day 5? I'm wearing the same shirt as day 4... but that wouldn't surprise me cause I'm kind of dirty sometimes. You can totally see the bruise on my face but... my hair has never been straighter. So... kudos me, this is a great picture!

So yeah... these are my post-wisdom teeth pictures. The only ones ever taken. Seriously, there haven't been any pictures of me taken since then. Weird right?