Thursday, December 30, 2010

sarah's nye 2010 extravaganza!

Holy crap you guys, tomorrow is the last day of 2010! Can you believe it? I will always look upon 2010 fondly because it is a multiple of five. I have some goodies planned for this entry, so sit down and enjoy.

Okay, so first of all, here are my top 5 blog entries as chosen by you, the readers!

Ah, some good choices.

Next up, I have a list of all the cool and interesting things that went down in 2010:

-I said hello.
-I turned 20!
-filming stuff.
-I had my first surgery! So long wisdom teeth!
-I finally got closure from a person I desperately needed it from.
-I acquired awesomeness.
-May long camping!
-I quite possibly fell in love this year. It was very brief but pleasant. I'd do it again.
-Capilano bridge with Tony!
-I learned how to fight this year. Not physically, but verbally.
-I experienced the singlehanded most awkward moment ever.
-Pokemon Halloween!
-I wrote a lulzy short film with Tanaya.
-I relocated to Calgary.
-I said goodbye.

Funeral count: 1
Birth count: 1

Here's a list of things I LOVED in 2010:

-The Golden Girls
-coming to Calgary for home cooked meals and visiting friends.
-Red wine.
-getting money.
-hitting on teachers.

And finally, a list of what I hope to achieve in 2011:

-Twenty fun!
-Be happy always! (aka drunk)
-Get that brazilian.
-make a lot of money.
-move back to Vancouver!
-play more video games.
-evade rehab.

Happy New Year everyone!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

sarah's top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

Do you ever find yourself attracted to someone who isn't conventionally attractive and have a hard time justifying it to other people? Yeah, been there. Anyway, in the spirit of top 5's, here are my top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

1. Jason Schwartzman

Jason is sexy in the "I've never had a good haircut" kind of way. Have you guys ever watched HBO's Bored To Death? Cause you should, it's awesome and he's the star. But his haircut is a little distracting, I gotta say.

2. Fred Armisen

I'm really not sure how to explain this one. Maybe it's the nerd factor, or maybe it's that he plays female characters so well on SNL. And now I'm wondering if that little fact makes me gay. Just kidding, it doesn't.

3. Lord Durham

The sexiest person that ever appeared in my grade 8 social studies textbook. Wikipedia tells me that he had 8 children with two different women, that sly dog!

4. Billy Bob Thornton

I was watching Love Actually on Christmas, and Billy Bob plays the motherfucking President of the United States! Perfect casting!

5. Ricky Gervais
Yeah, I'm pretty head over heels over this man. I wouldn't say that he's my first choice in celebrity sexcapades because that spot goes to Tina Fey, but Ricky is definitely in the running.

Friday, December 24, 2010

merry christmas from widows on the dock

Oh hey, it's almost Christmas. Maybe I should acknowledge that.

My gift to you this year is a helpful list of things you can do to turn your "holiday" into a "loliday":

-drink alcohol
-buy shit for other people
-make your guests sit down and watch your favorite movie when they come over
-feed the dog alcohol
-feed the baby alcohol
-record yourself smoking salvia and put it on youtube for all your friends to see! :)
-tell people what you really think of them
-punch your mother in law in the face
-reminisce with your friends about the time you all went to this sick night club on Elbow Drive, and get violently angry when they tell you that there is no such night club on Elbow Drive, and that you must've dreamed it
-kiss everybody
-football tackle the christmas tree
-get really offended when someone says "happy holidays"
-scream randomly
-get 'a wonderful christmas time' by paul mccartney stuck in everybody's heads. THEY WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR IT
-steal some bread. if you get caught, tell people that you're gonna give it to some starving children like a motherfucking modern day jean val jean
-go to the extreme with your emotions

If you try just one or all of these things, you should be LOLing in no time!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Somebody gave my parents a turducken for Christmas. In case you don't know what a turducken is, it is the result of a rare occurrence in nature where a duck eats a chicken, and is immediately eaten by a turkey afterwards. Apparently this is what it will look like when it's cooked:

The idea of the turducken makes me feel many things. I mean, I'm excited for the opportunity to try something new, I'm sad because 3 different animals died in order for this to happen, and I'm a little turned on because [insert sexual joke about getting stuffed twice followed by a rim shot]. Thank you thank you, I'll be here all week.

I consider myself to be an open minded person, so I'm going to try it. However, I just have so many freakin questions! Chicken and Turkey are delicious, but I've never had Duck before. What can I expect? What do we serve with it? Gravy? Mashed Potatoes? Do we need to put it in the oven longer than a regular turkey? And most importantly, can we deep fry it?

My biggest fear is that it will end up being so disgusting that it will turn me off of all 3 forms of poultry forever. How terrible would that be? Every major holiday would be so awkward! What would I eat? Seafood... I would eat seafood.

Anyway, I can't say that this type of anxiety is exactly new to me. A few Thanksgivings ago my dad deep fried a turkey for the first time. It looked like this:

It's probably my favorite way to eat turkey, just saying. So maybe turducken will become my new favorite thing too? Stay tuned....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

mysteries of life: the hairdresser

So, I am hereby announcing the end of Dedication December. Things got too busy for me and I kind of fell out of the groove. But cry not dear friends, because I can now blog about other things!

Today I am going to talk about hairdressers. And the bizarre power they seem to hold over us.

I don't know about you, but every time I go to get my haircut, I generally have the same problem every time: I go in prepared to tell the hairdresser what I would like them to do with my hair, they nod in agreement and just do whatever the fuck they want to my hair anyway, and then I leave unsatisfied.

I don't get it! Is there some sort of Hairdressers Code that we don't know about? Is there a law clearly stating that hairdressers are allowed to veto their customer's suggestions in the Bill of Rights somewhere? Why don't more people know about this? Or do they simply relish the brief but important power they hold over us when we're sitting in their chair while they're holding scissors/razors near our necks?

Are they under the impression that we will despise the hairstyle that we asked for, throw a fit, knock some chairs over, and walk out refusing to pay? Because really, heaven forbid they give us what we asked for!

I'm not speaking to you in code, when I tell you the following, I mean exactly this:
-When I say I want blond highlights, I don't mean red highlights.
-When I say I want to trim the split ends, I don't mean take 6 inches off.
-When I say straighten it, I don't mean curl the ends out.

That's not to say that all hairdressers will ignore every single one of your requests... I have had a few lovely stylists that gave me exactly what I wanted. But sadly just a few...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dedication December: AC38

I'm happy to announce that Widows on the Dock is back in business! Dedication December will resume as planned.

These are the majority of my film school friends (I'm in there somewhere too):

So we graduated last week! Anyone who's still in post secondary should probably be jealous. Not simply because we have finished school, but also because they've completely missed out on knowing us as a collective group.

These are some of the most inspiring and supportive people I've ever met. They have helped me in ways they may never even know, and I'm going to miss them so much! But I will see them again one day!

I suggest you keep an eye on these people. A stalkful eye. Just kidding, don't do that, only I may stalk them. ANYWAY, these people are going to be crazy successful, I just know it!

Class 38, I love you and wish you all the best in your lives. Thank you all for being a part of my life for the last 12-16 months.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

heads up 7up... is a bitchin' game

Just a heads up to all of my lovely fans out there! Aka my school friends and people who stalk me but aren't willing to admit it.

I haven't forgotten about Dedication December, and I plan to get back to it ASAP (as soon as possible). These days are a very busy time for me as I am graduating film school and relocating back to Calgary all within this week. Thank you for your understanding during this time of inconvenience.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Dedication December: Holly

This is me and my friend Holly circa 2007:

I love her a lot. She always leaves long and rambling messages on people's facebook walls and they are always entertaining. Oh, and you know how people write on your wall on your birthday and are always leave generic birthday wishes? Well Holly is one of the few people who will customize her birthday greeting for her and that's pretty amazing. Always going above and beyond!

So one time, me and Holly dressed up as snakes and sang the song "Trust In Me" from The Jungle Book. Holly was cool enough to wear her snake costume to school, and I was gonna too but I chickened out. I mean, you can probably guess that I'm pretty shameless, so the fact that she still wore the costume when I didn't is freakin intense.

So yeah, basically, Holly is the life of the party. I love it when she lets me visit her at school and when we sit at Wendy's and people watch and feel sad for amputees. She is also among the handful of people I am excited about seeing this holiday season. I just referred to my friends as a "handful of people". I think I'm like, 45 years old right now.

Anyway, Holly is the best, and Dion Phaneuf is not the best and that is the end of that story.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Dedication December: Kathryn

This is my friend Kathryn:

Kathryn is the coolest! She's so freakin talented at everything that you ordinarily would hate her, but she's too great of a person to dislike. You can try to dislike her, but you will fail.

My favorite memories of Kathryn are when we just drive around the country roads eating candy and singing along to our ipods and laughing until we cry. That sounds like something out of a Bryan Adams song, but I swear, that's what we do!

I also like it when she tells stories, because she's so good at it! And she's so effing clever and witty.

One time, we wanted to be pretentious, so we drank wine and watched Mad Men. Then I got too drunk to drive home, so I spent the night at her place. Good times!

I haven't seen Kathryn since like... August. But I get to see her soon and I don't think you can comprehend how excited I am about that! Ahh she just makes my life so much better!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Dedication December: Jaymie

This is me and my friend Jaymie:

One thing you should know about Jaymie is that's a total sweetheart. But watch out, because she's super powerful too!

If you like me, you'll probably like Jaymie because we have a lot in common. Like, we're both from Calgary, and we have brown eyes, and in case you can't tell from the picture above, red noses.

Jaymie has many talents. She can sing and act and she can even dance! She's also really funny and caring. Like, she makes me popcorn sometimes and sings along to the music on commercials when we watch TV. Yeah, she's that awesome!

I've mentioned that I'm not entirely stoked on going back to Calgary, but I'm happy that Jaymie is coming back to Calgary with me! I hope we get to hang out lots and that our parents can become friends and we can go on vacations together! But as if that'll ever happen... my parents suck at vacations.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dedication December: Colton

This is me and my friend Colton:

This picture is from the day Colton dressed like a lumberjack. He doesn't usually look like this, so everyone freaked out.

Colton is pretty chill. He's pretty easy going and he's really trustworthy. If you are adding to your roster of friends and considering Colton, you should use this post as a reference. You can talk to Colton about just about anything. He's also hilarious. He makes really funny jokes and we always come up with humorous hypothetical situations. Oh, and if you ever need a lunch buddy, look no further! Colton's usually down for anything. And he really likes to celebrate the holidays, which is always fun!

Colton used to be a really bad driver. That may or may not still be true since I haven't been in a car with him behind the wheel since like... 2007. But that's really the only flaw he has!

So yeah, I think it's safe to say that everyone needs at least one ginger kid in their life. If you don't have one, give Colton a try!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dedication December: Jaclyn

This is my friend Jaclyn:

Such a babe, hey? It's not even funny. ANYWAY! I've known Jaclyn for... 12 years? Maybe more? Way to date myself.

I love Jaclyn because we always have a good time when we're together. She's always down for a party or going for drinks on a patio in the summer or driving around listening to music and making fun of the people we mutually dislike and sometimes we even wonder about the people we went to elementary school with who disappeared. P.S. If you went to Good Shepherd School in Okotoks, Alberta between the years 1996-2003 and left during that time, what happened to youuuuuuuu?

So me and Jaclyn have been friends for a really long time. In grade 6 we were obsessed with Prozzak and baked cookies that turned out horrible and had sleepovers all the time. And in grade 8 we were obsessed with Lord of the Rings. It was awesome at the time, and a little embarrassing now. Just kidding, it's still awesome now.

Not gonna lie, I'm not really stoked on moving back to Calgary this month, but knowing that her and I will be reunited makes it a little more bearable.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Dedication December: Dave

This is my friend Dave:

Not gonna lie, when I first met Dave, I thought he was creepy. And you know what? He is creepy! Creepy like a fox! But as I discovered this year, I am also creepy so we're pretty much a match made in heaven.

You will never meet anyone like Dave ever. I can guarantee that. He has this way of saying things that aren't really funny, only... he makes them funny. I can't really explain it. Just looking at his face makes me smile and some days I legit have a crush on him.

If you ever need a friend to sing songs with, Dave is your guy. And he always helps me when I volunteer to work the camera at school. I don't know why I keep volunteering... I don't know how it works and I just get Dave to do it for me. But that's the kind of guy he is... willing to do other people's work.

AND OH MY GOSH! One time, our class went to this costume/fabric store to find stuff for a project, and we found a mask that looks almost exactly like Dave. Like... it was incredible. I'm so sad that I don't have a picture of it that I could post.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Dedication December: Giselle

This is my friend Giselle (and me!):

So one thing you should know about Giselle is that she's a very talented writer. Like, people say that I'm a good writer, but she really puts me to shame. You should read her short stories sometime, they're awesome.

She also has a pretty sick sense of fashion. For reals, if you ever need a shopping partner, look no further. She's super honest and not afraid to tell you if she thinks something doesn't look good on you, but she doesn't make you feel like an ugly piece of shit while doing so. It's a perfect balance.

Oh yeah, and Giselle is also a really good listener. You can tell because she gives really good advice. Like, I rarely ever take the advice that people give me because it usually sucks, but her advice is something I actually consider. So... yeah.

You should probably all be jealous of her. And me, because I know her.

Also, you can check out Giselle's blog at

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dedication December: Deon

Okay folks, so here's the thing. It's officially the season of giving, and I am in the predicament that most students find themselves in at this time of year... that predicament being that I have no money. So to remedy this, I've come up with "Dedication December", in which I write a blog post about a person in my life and pass it off as a Christmas present for them. It's just a simple and easy way for me to show you that I care about you this holiday season. Unless you're my immediate family... in which case you'll probably be getting a homemade card made out of construction paper and glitter.

This is me and my friend Deon:

Deon is one of my favorite people ever! Which is a pretty huge thing for me because he's from Saskatchewan and I hate people from there. Just kidding, Saskatchewanians are pretty great!

So I've known Deon for almost a year now, and it's been really exciting to watch him grow as an actor! He's probably the only guy I know that can play a bitchy high school girl and do a really good job at it. So suck on that!

I also love Deon because we can hang out and laugh at the most random things to the point of tears. People sometimes refer to us as "two peas in a pod" and I think they're right about that. We can also have long serious talks when the occasion calls for it. We definitely dig each other's senses of humor and it works out really well for us.

I can't really decide what my favorite Deon memory is. There are just way too many! But maybe it was the time I had to convince him that he was the greatest director in the theatre, and he was like, "THE THEATUH THE THEATUH!" ...yep, that was pretty great. Love you Deon!

Monday, November 29, 2010

mysteries of life: the non-existent voicemail

I've been feeling like my blog has been getting kinda stale lately, so I decided to introduce a new segment: Mysteries of Life. This is where I comment on the unexplainable happenings that occur in everyday life.

Today I'm going to talk about the non-existent voicemail. I'm pretty sure we've all received one. I'm talking about checking your phone, seeing the "new voicemail" notification, and when you dial to listen to the message, it's simply someone hanging up their phone. Why do people do this? Is my personal voicemail message so interesting that you simply must wait for it to finish before you hang up your phone if you have no intention of leaving a message? If that's the case, well thank you so much! It's not like checking my voicemail is a total pain in the ass or anything. Oh wait, it totally is! Seriously, there are so many better things I can do with my time than checking my voicemail just to hear the sound of someone hanging up. I'm not gonna lie, I probably won't do better things with my time, but that is irrelevant.

So you know what, if you are one of these people, please stop ruining everybody's lives. That's really all I ask of you.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

having a crush on a teacher and how to deal with it

So, it's finally happened. You have a crush on your teacher. You're not sure what exactly set it off. Maybe it was the day they wore contacts instead of glasses and you saw their eyes for the first time. Perhaps it was the pat on the back they gave you when you aced their test. It might have even been the time they were taking off their sweater and their t-shirt underneath rode up and you saw their stomach. Whatever it was, you're in deep and whenever they say something to you, you blush and giggle like a school girl and bang your head on the locker in shame afterwards.

Fun fact about this photo:
I googled "hot male teacher" and this was the best picture that came up.
Google has failed me.
I mean, this guy isn't bad, but I had some pretty high expectations.

Well my friends, I'm here to help. My first helpful tidbit of advice is to remove any shame and embarrassment that you may be feeling. And to congratulate yourself. I mean, admitting that you have a crush on a teacher is basically like admitting that you see that person as a regular human being, and not simply just a figure of authority. I mean, this lucky object of your affection is just a regular human being after all. A human being with needs. Sexual needs. So good for you for rising above your peers and recognizing that!

And I'm not gonna lie, people will judge you for this. But as they say on the internet, "Haters gonna hate". I figure that these people are only bestowing judgment upon you to hide their own shame. You know how gay kids get bullied by closeted gay kids? It's exactly like that. They just simply have a lot of feelings and they don't know how to deal with them yet. And anyone who claims to have never had a crush on a teacher before is a liar. Simple as that.

Anyway, back to the actual teacher themselves. Now you probably don't know how to act around them! You have two basic options: 1. Owning it, and 2. Pretending it doesn't exist.

1. Owning It. This is the route I'm more likely to take. Sure, it can be risky and vulnerable, but the trick is to exude so much confidence so it seems that this shit doesn't phase you. Seriously. Be so cool about it that it even makes the teacher feel insecure.
2. Pretending It Doesn't Exist. It's the safer choice, but it's also pretty boring. Besides, you're more likely to blush and giggle at everything and you'll just give yourself away anyway.

And so, you finally graduate and this teacher is now fair game (if you haven't somehow managed to get them fired)! The question is: Do you make a move? Well, that is entirely up to you, but I would recommend waiting a few months while staying in touch. That way, the teacher-student relationship can wear off and you can start a new relationship as friends. With or without benefits. Whatever, I don't care. I can't tell you how to run your life.

Oh, and P.S. - you should maybe consider that you are probably not the first student that has had feelings for this teacher. They may or may not get this kind of thing all the time. So... be careful about that.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

ask sarah segment 3

So, I regularly try to keep my "Ask Sarah" segments scheduled to occur once a month. However, within the last week there has been a high demand for another segment, and I have also experienced a large influx of questions. I'm the kind of person who likes to appeal to the majority, so without further ado, I present to you "Ask Sarah Segment 3".

This is where I take your questions and answer them to the best of my ability!

1. You get in a car accident, you live but only because of freak science experiments. These procedures have given you life again but you must live with side affects. Would you kill yourself if all you could smell or taste forever was onion and celery?
What an astounding question! The answer of course is yes, yes I would.

2. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Just about anything except for eating celery and onions. I mean, those bars are delicious. I know Josef Stalin did some terrible things, but if he said that he did it for a Klondike Bar, maybe people would be more understanding?

3. If you had to choose between having a midget child and living in Edmonton, which would you choose?
Midget child hands down! HANDS DOWN! I'd push it in a stroller throughout its whole life. I don't even care that people would stare because at least WE DON'T LIVE IN EDMONTON.

4. Do you drool in your sleep? If yes, what does it taste like?
Occasionally. Chicken.

5. What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
I think I would have to explain to you that I am in that predicament because his daddy's gone somewhere smoking rock now in and out of lockdown; I ain't got a job now. So for you this is just a good time, but for me, this is what I call life. Mmm...

6. You see a baby in a bassinet floating down a river towards a waterfall, you run to go grab it but WAIT: WHAT'S THAT SOUND? It's two teenage kids torturing baby wolves. Both have only seconds to live. What do you do?
Whoever asked this question is a sick, sick bastard. I like to think that I would save the baby, because not saving it would be more guilt on my conscience. HOWEVER, I would also hope that the baby wolves' mother is around, and she would have her way with those teenagers.

7. If you had to nominate someone to be the next Jesus who would you choose and why?
Probably my friend Dave. He can grow a sick beard and he's got some bright ideas. He's also a carpenter. Hmm...

8. ... ... ... Cuddles?
Yes. Always!

Well, that's our show for today. I apologize for running a little late. Thanks to everyone who submitted questions. And remember, you can submit your questions for my next "Ask Sarah" segment at:

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

sarah's hangover cures!

Studies show that the best way to avoid a hangover is by not getting one. I will pause for your laughter now. Anyway, people always ask me, "SAR-AH! How can you drink so excessively and not feel it the next day?" The truth? Years upon years of building up a tolerance. But every now and then I have one shot too many and it makes the next morning feel like the Apocalypse is near. I have my way of dealing with it, and since I am benevolent, I will share it with you.

1. Sleep. This is very important to the hangover curing process because sometimes you can be fortunate enough to sleep through the whole hangover and wake up feeling well rested and ready to party again. Seriously. Sometimes I get absolutely wasted out of my mind and fall asleep for 36 hours. But the important part is that I wake up feeling great!

2. Gatorade. I don't know what it is about this stuff, but it works. Everyone has a different flavor that works for them, but I like the blue and the red kinds the best. Sometimes purple. For the extreme party animal, I recommend a trip to Costco and buying a whole flat of Gatorade so you can have it on hand, just in case.

3. Fast Food. Your stomach will thank you for putting food inside of it. Unless you puke, in which case it's saying "fuck you". If you're feeling up to it, you should run to the nearest fast food restaurant and dig in. I took a random poll among my friends, and some of their favorite places include:
-Tim Hortons

And I can personally vouch for all of these places.

4. Pop some Advil. Chances are you've got a pretty big headache. Well, take something for it.

5. If all else fails, make yourself throw up. If absolutely NOTHING else is helping you escape the horror of these feelings, then I guess you're gonna have to go bulimia style on yourself. I wish I could personally say that I've never resorted to it, but it has saved my ass quite a few times. It's okay, I won't judge you for it. Also, if possible, try to attempt this the night before while you are still drunk. It just... works better that way. I promise.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

sarah's official dating profile!

Okay folks, so here's the deal. After a long year of soul searching and eating Peanut M&M's, I've decided to get back into the dating game. I'm sure you've all been waiting patiently for this news to be announced and are doing backflips of joy right now. You'd better be. But before you break your backs, here are some ground rules:

-I must be attracted to you from the beginning. None of this "getting to know you" bullshit. I know you can't really control my attraction to you, but having blue eyes will help (but it not always necessary).
-You must allow me to mock you and put you down at my leisure. You are welcome to return the favor but if I start crying, you should probably stop.
-You must laugh at my subtle references to my alcoholism, but never question them.
-You must not eat celery around me.
-You don't have to like Pokemon, but you must know what it is.
-You must laugh at my jokes.
-It helps if you're at least 5 years older than me. But again, not necessary.
-You must have some sort of career, or least are taking steps towards one.
-It is your responsibility to take me home from a party once I've started drunk crying.

I recommend saving this list so you can reference it at any time. Even if you're not interesting today, you could be tomorrow. Maybe...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

tribute to Kirsten!

This is my friend Kirsten (and me behind the flash!):

Um, so I'd usually say something like "Kirsten is kind of amazing", but that's a lie. Kirsten is full on amazing! She legit has the best skin and teeth ever. Not even joking. And she does everything with 1000%, it kind of puts everyone else to shame.

Like one time, we had to vote on our class valedictorian, and she won. I wasn't even surprised because it seemed like such an obvious choice.

She's also a stellar organizer of things. Like, her and I are working on this calendar project, and usually I'd be like, "oh ya I'll do whatever..." but she actually makes me wanna work hard on it because I know that she'll work hard too!

And possibly the best thing about Kirsten is that she calls me randomly to tell me how amazing I am and it makes me laugh and cry and then laugh some more. Everybody needs a Kirsten! She's gonna be a big star one day so watch the fuck out!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

ask sarah segment 2

Well folks, it's that time again! It's time where I take your questions and answer them to the best of my ability. Let's get down to the questions, shall we?

1. Are you a ninja or a pirate?
Definitely a pirate. I like to draw attention to myself too often for me to be a ninja.

2. When will you get your own talk show? How can I support this initiative? Should I get a red binder, a vest and start trolling the street looking for your supporters?
What a delightful series of questions! I am not really familiar with the process of getting a talk show, but if given the offer I would definitely take it. I guess the best way for you to support this initiative is to get a large group of people together and lobby any major network. Just let them know that there is a demand for me to be on TV and the rest will be up to them.

3. How come you don't bake me cakes?
Not gonna lie, I'm just lazy.

4. Would you rather be really hot or really cold?
I'd rather be really gold.

5. You're gonna answer these questions right?
Stay tuned...

Well that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for watching... I mean reading... reading. Remember, you can submit your questions for the next Ask Sarah segment here:

Monday, November 15, 2010


Sometimes I wanna be a bad girl. I mean, I've been a pretty good girl and followed all the rules for my whole life... basically. Is it so bad that I fantasize about having a cocaine addiction and taking topless photos of myself and posting them on the internet? But then I'm like, "Hmm, I can't really afford another addiction." And then I remember that Playboy would pay me big money for taking topless photos, so I'll just wait until I get that offer.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I probably won't like you if:

So in case you don't know me in person, I have composed a list of things you absolutely should not do if and when you meet me. Treat this list like a Bible, and I will guarantee you that you will make a good first impression.

I probably won't like you the first time I meet you if you:
-eat celery.
-say "shedule" instead of "schedule".
-are a creeper at the bar.
-don't laugh at my hilarious jokes.
-discourage me from having a good time (aka tell me to stop drinking).
-tell me to stop drinking.
-tell me to be quiet.
-find bathroom humor offensive.
-are unattractive.
(just kidding, looks aren't everything)
-walk slowly.
-don't think my dad is awesome and hilarious.
-are difficult to understand.
-dislike Pokemon.
-dislike The Golden Girls.
-are Nicholas Cage.
-are a massive buzzkill.
-are a hipster.
-wear Ed Hardy.
-don't buy me alcohol.
-only talk about politics.
-tell me that Saturday Night Live isn't as good as it used to be.
-make some creepy sexual joke. Like um hi we just met.
-only talk about yourself.
-forget my name immediately after I give it to you.
-have a bad haircut.
-are a crying baby.
-smell bad.
-try to sell me something.
-give me your number when I didn't even ask for it.
-are smarter than me.
-are more attractive than me.
-do anything that I can easily be jealous of.
-crash into my car.

There are of course, many more things I could add to the list, but I think we'll stop here for tonight. And don't be too concerned if you don't make a good impression... I'm generally pretty good at giving people second chances.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

top 5 things I will miss about living alone

So, I'm moving home pretty soon. But not in the pathetic, "I'm over 30 and I'm a failure at life" kind of way. More like the "I'm graduating post secondary at the age of 20 and need a place to stay while I start my career" kind of way. So while I've been in school, I've been living on my own. No roommates or anything, just me. All by my lonesome. And I must admit, it's been a lovely experience. So lovely, in fact, that there are many things I will miss about it, and I've boiled it down to 5 things:

1. Living in your own filth and loving it.
I swear to God I'm not a hoarder, but if I didn't have friends that came over occasionally and motivated me to clean up, I very well could be one. Disgustingness aside, it's nice not having anyone nagging you to clean your room and put your dishes away, and being able to do your tidying when you feel like it.

2. The nakedness.
Oh, how I will miss the nakedness. This might be what I will miss the most about living alone. I mean, you can probably get away with being naked while living with other people, but extreme awkwardness may ensue. In my case, I'd be faced with questions such as "Sarah, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" and "Is that a tattoo?!" ... soooo yeah I probably won't participate in such liberating activities when I move back home.

3. Doing your own grocery shopping/eating what you want, when you want.
Okay, I lied about being naked. I will definitely miss getting my own groceries more than being naked. It sucks so bad knowing that I'm going to have to back to begging my mom to buy chocolate milk and Kraft peanut butter (she keeps buying the nasty organic kind... sigh). Oh, and when you live alone, 9 am cravings for ice cream are perfectly acceptable to deal with, because nobody's around to tell you that you're sick, that you're wrong, or that you're a terrible human being.

4. No fighting over the TV.
When I'm at home, I inevitably have to fight my brother for the TV. Usually I'll want to do something badass like watch Nacho Libre or play Mario Kart 64, but he's on the TV playing the latest NHL Xbox game or watching Dexter. But living on my own, that never happens. I never have to sit through all those lame shows that my parents watch. I can play Nintendo whenever I want. Man, life is so sweet.

5. You set your own bedtime and wake up time.
Seriously. I've gone to bed at 3 am some nights (but not by choice). And I can sleep as late as I want as long as I get up in time for school. I slept for 15 hours once. It was pretty intense. I thought I had mono, but I didn't. I've been tired a lot recently though, so maybe I have mono now? What the hell is mono anyway?

Monday, November 8, 2010

super powers

I think it's a safe assumption to say that everyone wants to be able to fly or to become invisible. But those are pretty generic. If I could have a superpower, I would want the ability to freeze time. Here's why!

-So getting up at 7:00 in the morning everyday sucks, right? So what if you could freeze time at 7:00 and just go back to bed for however long you want! Then when you're well rested enough, you can get up and go about your day without the horrible feeling of fatigue! HURRAY!

-You know when you're cuddling with someone, and they're like, "I wish we could stay like this forever!" WELL NOW YOU CAN!

-So you're writing a test that you didn't study for. You're totally screwed, right? WRONG! You can freeze time, take out your textbook, copy the correct answers, and hand in your test all within one minute.

-Say you're an actor and you're at an audition and you totally bombed your first take. You could freeze time and erase your take from the camera, unfreeze time, and ask for a second take. And then the casting team is watching the audition tapes afterward, they won't remember your horrible blunder because it was erased from existence! YAAAAY!

Fuck yeah. Freezing time would be so badass. Would you still rather be able to fly or turn invisible NOW?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

top 5 dad songs

When I was growing up, our family went on a lot of road trips. My dad controlled the CD player, so me and my brother always knew we'd be listening to these songs:

1. El Paso by Marty Robbins. This is a badass song from like, 1959 about a cowboy who shoots this guy for flirting with the girl that he wanted to bump uglies with. He runs away, but his love for the girl is so strong that he comes back. Tragedy ensues. About 20 years later, Marty Robbins released a song called "El Paso City" as a sequel to this song. It's worth a listen.

2. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. We all know what this song's about! ;) ;) I've never met someone who didn't like this song, or at the very least disliked making the "BUM BUM BUM" trumpet sounds whenever me and my friends drunkenly perform our rendition of it. Fun fact: I saw Neil Diamond in concert. He did this song for his encore... twice. Like, at the very end of the first time, he was like, "ONE MORE TIME!" and the music started up again. I'm all about the cliches.

3. Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn. I really don't know what comments to make on this song. I guess this was pop music at its best in the 60's.

4. Delilah by Tom Jones. We listened to a lot of Tom Jones on these trips, but for some reason, "Delilah" stands out above the rest of them. Probably because my dad would passionately sing along as if the song was happening to him (which is pretty sick. I mean the song's about killing your girlfriend after finding out she cheated on you). Other Tom Jones songs worth mentioning: "What's New Pussycat", "It's Not Unusual" and "Daughter of Darkness". Oh, and "She's a Lady". You know what, you could probably just go ahead and download (I mean purchase... purchase legally) every Tom Jones song ever. It's straight up baby making music.

5. If I Can Dream by Elvis Presley. This shouldn't be much of a surprise since my dad is obsessed with Elvis. And I don't blame him. If I was alive back in his day... oh my. I don't even want to think about all the freaky and unmoral things I would do. Damn Elvis was a hottie. Anyway, this also happens to be my favorite Elvis song. I mean, it's got a great message and you can't ask for much more than that. Other Elvis songs worth mentioning: "In the Ghetto", "Suspicious Minds", and "A Little Less Conversation".

Honorable Mention:
A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash
Take a Chance on Me - ABBA
Bicycle Race - Queen

I also want to mention that these are songs from when my dad was a child/teenager. It makes me feel weird that when I play music from when I was a child/teenager for children in the future, it's going to be stuff like Sublime, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Killers, etc. Isn't that crazy!?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

sarah's hopes and dreams

I would say that I've got a pretty solid rest of my life ahead of me.

First of all, after I graduate in December, I'll be heading home to Calgary for an undetermined amount of time. While I'm there, I plan on becoming the proud owner of a teacup pig. I'm gonna carry it around everywhere in my purse just like Paris Hilton. I think I will name my pig Murphy, regardless of its gender.

Shortly after that, I'm hoping that I will have miraculously acquired enough money to return back to Vancouver (with Murphy, of course) and will attempt to make a full time living there.

Assuming that all works out, I'll open up a restaurant in Downtown Toronto. It'll probably be a Seafood Steakhouse, but we'll have some vegan options available too. It will be delicious.

After my restaurant burns down, I might be ready to start a family. I'm not really interested in parenting, but I am interested in grand-parenting, so I'll probably start on that process. It shouldn't be too hard. All I have to do is find an orphan who has a child. There's got to be a few of those around.

In case I am not ready for a family (which, let's be honest here, is very likely), I'll just spend my days writing hilarious sitcom pilots and taking Murphy out for walks.

I don't generally like the thought of getting older, but I am pretty stoked about the risk of pregnancy no longer being an issue. So yeah... I have definitely have some fun plans for my golden years.

Yeaaaah my life is gonna be so awesome!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

STOP! Jon Hammertime!

Once you stop LOLing at the clever title of this post (it's okay if you haven't, I haven't stopped either), check out this photo montage of Jon Hamm.

(Still laughing at "Hammertime" btw)

Monday, November 1, 2010

top 5 deal breakers

Ladies, we all know what certain qualities to look for in a potential significant other. But more importantly, we all know what we're not looking for in a potential significant other. These qualities are known as deal breakers. Many people have the standard deal breakers, such as "I don't like a woman who flirts with other guys", or "I don't like a man who disrespects his mother". While those are very valid and important deal breakers, I tend to be a little bit more... selective with what turns me off of someone. So here are my personal top 5 deal breakers:

1. When I have to constantly explain things. It's always a buzzkill when I'm interested in someone, and they have no idea what I'm saying. I'll admit, sometimes I'm not very articulate, but I don't appreciate having to explain what certain words mean simply because they don't get it.

2. When they don't laugh at the things I laugh at. There is no possible way that I can spend my life with someone who doesn't think that 4 little people relay racing a camel isn't hilarious. I'M SORRY IF THAT MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR LAUGHING, BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL. And if you try and tell me that you didn't at least crack a smile, then you would be a liar.

3. They eat an obscene amount of celery. This may be the biggest deal breaker on my list. I understand that some people like eating celery, although I cannot fathom why. But all I ask is that they at the very least keep the celery consumption to a minimum while I'm around. Or better yet, only partake in it when I'm not around. It could be one of those secrets that couples keep from each other that makes their relationship stronger, like cross dressing and my dependency on alcohol.

4. They take everything too seriously. Basically, if I can't make someone laugh, I will immediately lose interest in them. There have been, of course, great exceptions to this.

5. They're addicted to Farmville/Mafia Wars/[insert game here]. There is just no competing with that.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

sarah's list of scary things!

It's Halloween tomorrow! In honor of this day, I thought that I would present to you a list of things that are scary!

1. Responsibility
2. Sharks
3. Dinosaurs
4. Lorne Michaels
6. Wasps
7. Waiting rooms
8. Clowns
9. Celery
10. Driving in terrible road conditions.

If you didn't like that list, then surely you will enjoy this Charizard jack-o-lantern. Have a happy and safe Halloweiner everyone!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

some interesting facts about adam diMarco

This is my friend Adam:

Sadly, Adam does not have a real mustache. Perhaps one day he will. Until then, I will entertain you all with *true facts about Adam.

(*Note= not all facts may be true.)

FACT. I was in class with Adam for a whole year. Not even kidding. From August 2009-August 2010. So I've known him for 365+ days. And of those 365+ days, I managed to have a crush on him for one full day. Congratulations Adam, that's longer than most of the crushes I've had on other guys! (jkit'stheshortestcrusheverplzdon'tfeelbad). But for that one day, I felt super awkward and clumsy around him and I blushed when he'd look at me but then I got over it. It was just a phase. Adam isn't in my class anymore and it's kind of weird, but Tanaya is in my class and she is Adam's other half (or better half? YOU DECIDE).

FACT. Adam is of Italian descent in case you're blind and couldn't tell from the picture. But then I would ask you what are you doing on the internet if you're blind? No offense to blind people, but how would you be reading this? Anyway, Adam does not speak Italian, but I do! How funny would it be if I made this whole post in Italian so he couldn't understand it? And then he'd copy-paste it into Google Translate and get a broken English version of it. THAT WOULD BE HYSTERICAL.

FACT. My favorite memory of Adam is... never mind. I don't want to share it on the internet. He knows what I'm talking about anyway.

FACT. One time, Adam came over for dinner. When he got to my apartment he took off his pants and... again, I don't think I should post this on the internet.

FACT. I can't think of an appropriate Adam related story to post on my blog so I will just play an 80's style montage of Adam memories in my head. Thank you for your time.

Monday, October 25, 2010

sarah's top 5 animated villains

1. Negaduck from Darkwing Duck.

Negaduck is probably the most badass villain on Darkwing Duck. I mean, boyfriend IS just an alternative version of DW after all. He's also the leader of the Fearsome Five, and is definitely the most evil person to ever terrify the fair city of St. Canard.

2. Team Rocket from Pokemon.

Team Rocket is definitely the most adorable group of villains on this list. I mean, they shouldn't really even be classified as villains since they haven't ever been successful in doing anything "evil". But they're so cute with their matching outfits and talking Meowth and long motto that a large part of me always kind of wants them to catch a break and steal that Pikachu once and for all. And what's their story anyway? Lots of people claim that James is gay but sometimes you'll catch a moment between them that's filled with sexual tension. Are they or aren't they? Will we ever find out?

3. Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons.

The last thing you hear before you die: show tunes. Say what you will about the quality of The Simpsons in recent years, but you can't deny that episodes with Sideshow Bob are always top notch. I mean, dude is voiced by Kelsey Grammer! I'm pretty sure that man was created for the sole purpose of providing voices for cartoon villains. I mean, he's voiced other kind of characters, sure, but they all sucked. I wonder why Kelsey Grammar doesn't narrate things the way Morgan Freeman does. He should.

4. Hexxus from Ferngully.

Holy shit, where do I begin? I didn't watch Ferngully for nearly 10 years because Hexxus scared me so much. What the fuck is he anyway? One minute he's a sludgy skeleton, and the next he's this singing cloud of gas. Hexxus is voiced by the one and only Tim Curry. And he sings a song about pollution and I gotta say, for a children's movie, it's pretty sexual. That's kind of ridiculous. I mean, the film's whole message is about how we need to preserve the environment, and yet they make pollution sound like the sexiest fucking thing in the whole world. I'm not even kidding! You can listen to the song here.

5. Dr. Reginald Bushroot from Darkwing Duck.

Dr. Bushroot makes me sad. He wasn't evil before he became half plant-half duck. He was always picked on by his colleagues and so after his accident, he had a lot of built up anger issues and thus became a villain (see kids, THIS is why you shouldn't bully others). I think it'd be super sweet if he was in a movie where he had to battle Hexxus. Remind me to write that screenplay later. Anyway, it disappoints me that he chose to use his plantlike abilities for evil rather than good. Who doesn't like a man that likes flowers?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

ode to megan!

This is my friend Megan. Don't even pretend that she's not the hottest thing you've ever seen because nobody will believe you. NOBODY! Holy shit, you should hear her sing. AMAZING! But enough about Megan and more about why I like her.

Megan is possibly the sweetest girl ever. She's always willing to listen to me when I have drunk crying sessions and sometimes (and by sometimes I really mean often) we talk about our mutual friends and how much we love them and how much they make us sad when they are sad. Oh and she has a pretty impeccable taste in men, if I do say so myself.

I must share with you all what had inspired me to dedicate this post to Megan. She sent me the most epic of epic messages one could ever get. This message was entitled "How to Put Yourself Inside of Megan's Apartment". Inspired by this video:

(at first I embedded the video into my blog, but it messed up the layout and that displeased me so I will just link you to it).

The message itself is below. It is, of course, edited because as if I'm going to post someone's address on the internet for everyone to see. Keep dreaming, potential perverts (and might I say, I've been really good with alliterations lately. GO ME!).

You'll get off the bus in front of a Safeway. DO NOT go into that Safeway; that is not where I live. I live in another place that is not a grocery store.

Cross the street towards the McDonalds. I also don't live in the McDonalds, so don't be fooled. It is merely a landmark on the journey to putting yourself inside Megan's apartment.

Keep going straight along Cardero for one block, through a little bike park. Then you will be at ________ St. Turn right. Halfway down that block is **** ________ St., which is the building I live in. It is also called ***** Manor, but despite this confusing moniker, not everyone who lives in this building is called *****. To call all people emerging from this building "*****" would result in little more than confusion and embarrassment.

The door to the building is glass, which means that it is see-through, but its transparency does not mean that you can also walk through it; to do so would be ill-advised and injurious to your health. Instead, turn your head slightly to the left of the door, where there is a buzzer and a set of numbered buttons.

You will enter the number "***" into the buzzer pad. At first this may cause some consternation, as a cursory examination of the pad will clearly indicate that it only goes as high as the number nine, let alone well into the high hundreds. But fear not! You will accomplish this seemingly impossible task by first depressing the number *, then *, then * again. (Upon reflection, you will likely realize that these three buttons combine to create the triple-digit code listed above). Once you have completed this, engage patiently while the panel activates and makes a "ring" or "tone" sound.

Shortly thereafter, you should hear a voice issuing from the panel; if you have performed the previous step correctly, that voice should be mine (if it is not, graciously excuse yourself, disconnect and repeat the above dialing process). NOTE: my voice issuing from the panel should not be taken as evidence that I live inside the panel, and to attempt to detach the panel and thus free me from my electronic prison would likely result in interference from the building management or proper authorities. Once we have confirmed each others' identities, I will press a button on my phone that will electronically unlock the outside door to my apartment. You will hear a click and a buzz, whereupon you should grasp the handle of the glass door firmly, tug it towards you and pass through the opening created, allowing the door to close behind you once you have entered.

You are now in the lobby of my building. Congratulations! Stride forcefully towards the wood-paneled door directly ahead of you (a confident walk is necessary, for elevators are sensitive and may not respond to a fearful call); take care to stop soon enough that you not collide with the door, but you will see two buttons by the side of the elevator and you must stop within reach of them. Depress the button with an arrow that points upwards.

(Pro Tip: Not sure which way is up? Take a pencil, coin or other small item; hold it extended away from your body and then release it from your hand, so that it falls. The direction opposite to the way the object falls is up.)(Be sure to retrieve your small item after you have done this, particularly if it is a coin, which can be exchanged for goods and services.)

Once you have depressed the "up" button, you should wait patiently until the doors of the elevator open. When they do, walk forward into the elevator, taking care not to collide with the back wall. Once your whole body is inside the elevator, stop and turn to face the direction from which you have just come; you will notice a panel of numbered buttons that were previously hidden from view by dint of your spatial orientation. You may feel overwhelming exhaustion at the sight of further buttons but do not be alarmed: this task is much simpler than the previous numbered buttons, as you must only press one of them.

Press the button marked "*". Momentarily, the doors to the elevator should close, and the elevator itself will begin to rise upwards with you inside of it, on its way to the *****th floor. Please note that if other people are in the elevator with you, they may disembark at other floors that are NOT the *****th floor, and you may need to use quick judgment skills to determine whether their leaving the elevator is an indication that you, too, should leave the elevator. If the elevator stops on floors *-* then, regardless of the actions of others, you should remain inside it, confident that your destination has not yet been reached.

Upon arrival at the *th floor (Pro Tip: there is a panel of number-shaped lights above the elevator door; the number which is lit correlates exactly with the floor the elevator is currently on), exit the elevator and turn to your left. Once you have done that, you will notice that a door bearing the number "***" is merely a few steps forward and to the left of you. Approach this door and knock your fist against it between two and five times (be creative!) to create a series of sharp sounds, which will alert me (on the other side of the door) that you are hoping to put yourself inside my apartment, and are only separated from your goal by the unfortunate fact of the door. I will thus endeavour to remove this final obstacle by unlocking and opening the door, allowing you entrance into my apartment, whereupon we will celebrate your success in a manner to be determined at the time.

I hope these instructions are detailed enough, and look forward to your visit!
Did you know that Megan also has a blog? Check out what she has to say at!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

5 jobs I'd consider having

I am currently none of these things, but I wouldn't mind being one of these things! LOL! (I hate myself right now)

1. Kindergarten Teacher. I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, "Sar-AH! Who would WANT to work with children!?" But think about it... kindergarten classes end at noon depending on the school. Not to mention that you're pretty much getting paid to colour and sing songs and read books and ... NAP! Need I say more? The best part of all is that these kids won't bother you with their relationship problems and drama because they probably don't have any. And summers off? Sign me up for this sweet gig!

2. Flight Attendant. I travel more than the average person probably does, so I've encountered many flight attendants over the years. I've come to decide that the job is pretty rad. I mean, all you pretty much have to do is make sure people are wearing their seat belts properly and sling drinks and peanuts. I should also mention the cute outfits that you'd get to wear. Fantastic!

3. Animal Rescuer. I don't know if this is a paid job, but I would do it for free if I had the time. I LOOOOOOOVE animals and I kind of really wanna adopt a whole bunch of injured/abandoned/abused animals and nurse them back to health! And then train them to attack people I hate.

4. Critic. Restaurant and Film alike. Getting paid to go out for dinner and watch movies? I'm down.

5. Samantha Jones. At first I was gonna say "Whore", but I that's not entirely accurate. Then I decided, I want to be Samantha Jones from Sex and the City! I mean, girlfriend is so badass. She has sex with whoever she wants and doesn't apologize for it. I think we can all take a page from her book. I'm not sure how being Samantha Jones would work as a full time job, but if I can find a way to get paid for being a fabulous bitch I'll have it made for life.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

the shitlist

We all knew that this was coming.

The Shitlist

1. Celery. Celery is possibly the most disgusting thing one could ever put into their bodies. Everything about it putrid... the way it tastes, the way it smells, the strings that stick out when other people (because I would never indulge in such a vile vegetable) eat it... ughhh. There's really no amount of cream cheese or peanut butter that you can put on your celery stick to make it appetizing. Nope.
2. Onions. I hate onions almost as much as I hate celery, but not quite as much. I can handle onions sometimes.
3. Mamma Mia! Just to clarify, I'm talking about the movie adaptation, not the musical itself. The musical is quite enjoyable, actually. If you ever get a chance to see it, I would recommend it. But the movie, oy. I am quite convinced that this movie was the most tragic event to ever happen to cinema. It seems that I am in the minority of holding this opinion, but I mean come on people, even Meryl Streep couldn't save this movie.
4. The Vancouver Canucks. I'm not sure if my beef is with the team itself, or their fan base. It's rare that I meet a Canucks fan that doesn't take my disdain for their team as a personal insult to them as a person. I'm definitely not saying that all of their fans are like that, but a lot of them are. Like, it was so bad last season that CBC did a story on the news about how unsportsmanlike their fans were. Not gonna lie, I'm nervous about writing this on the internet. I could be a target for their next hate crime.
5. Arnold from The Magic School Bus. Shut up, nobody else wants a normal field trip, so stop complaining.
6. Twilight. ARRRRRRGH there are like a million reasons to hate Twilight. Did it dawn on anyone that these books are based off of Stephenie Meyer's wet dreams? And that wouldn't be so bad if she didn't keep repeating the facts that Edward Cullen as "topaz eyes" and "marble skin" and a "velvet voice". And AND how about the fact that she goes on for pages and pages describing mundane things in detail, completely to the point where I get bored and pick up the closest Harry Potter book instead.
7. Having no money. This is pretty self explanatory.
8. When creepy old guys hit on you. Okay, so let me be the first to say that older men can be awesome. But when they're creepy, they're not so awesome. When I was 18 I worked the opening shift at a nearby convenience store, and everyday at 6:30 am this old guy would come in and validate lottery tickets. One day he told me that I had pretty hair. I was like, "oh, kay... thanks..." because it kind of came out of nowhere and something seemed malicious about it. Then the next day he asked me out! I was like, "um, no thanks..." and waited for him to leave the store so I could puke. Yeah, so not nice.
9. Construction zones. I don't know much about Construction Zones in most places, but the ones in Calgary drive me nuts. First of all, there's like, 2394823039209 different construction sites at any time in that city, and they're mostly really big sites that will take several years to finish. I generally don't mind slowing down during construction zones, but when I drive by and see all the workers sitting around doing nothing with their Tim Hortons coffees and donuts, I just lose it. Really?! REALLY!? MY tax dollars are funding YOUR donuts? Fuck off.
10. Bad music when you're sober. This is why I drink.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

ask sarah segment 1

You may be wondering where I've been lately. You probably assumed that I puked myself to death. But you would be wrong! I'm merely only suffering from writer's block. So ladies and gentlemen, I thought I would introduce an "Ask Sarah" segment to my show....... I mean blog.... blog. This is where I tackle all the hard hitting questions that teens have today. Man, I wish I had my own talk show and did this everyday.

1. What did you eat for breakfast today?
That's a very excellent question. The time is currently 11:05 AM, and I haven't had breakfast yet. I'm thinking about making some scrambled eggs, but toast is also an option. I'll have to get back to you on this.

2. What's your earliest memory?
Well, I guess I'd have to say the day my brother was born. Or maybe that was a dream...

3. If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?
Wow, what a great question! I don't know much about the naming process of yachts, but I imagine the name would have something to do with puking or multiples of 5.

4. Have you ever broken any bones? If so, how?

5. If you could only watch one TV show, what would it be?
This is the dumbest question ever. If I could only watch one TV show, I would sell my TV and go on the internet. Dumbass.

I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for participating in today's show! Tune in next time where I answer even more of your great questions!

If you'd like to submit a question, then head on over to

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

top 5 awkward moments of my life so far

In no particular order.

1. I was in my grade 12 social class, spacing out and chewing gum like a lazy motherfucker with my mouth open, and the gum fell out of my mouth and onto the floor. My initial reaction was sheer embarrassment, and I frantically looked around to see if anyone near me saw it. Nobody did. But the shame never went away and I carry it around with me everyday.

2. Again in grade 12, my parents took me and my brother to see Borat. Which is like, one of the most awkward movies you could watch with your parents, but my parents are pretty cool so that was fine. But it was kind of lame being 16 and going to a movie with your mom and dad and little brother. The worst part of this experience was when the movie was over me and my mom waited outside of theatre 8 because my dad and brother were using the washroom. This guy that I was hardcore crushing on came out of the theatre with his friends and omg I died. The next school day when he saw me he was like, "Did your parents like the movie?" omg I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

3. Last Christmas, I flew home from Vancouver to Calgary. I was using the self check in machine and I must've looked confused because a nice WestJet employee came over to help me. When my boarding pass had been printed, she turned to me and said, "have a nice flight!" I then replied with, "you too!" I should've just played off that faux pas (awesome word) like it was nothing, but I realized my horrible mistake and immediately said, "OH NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" The employee was super cool about it though. She was like, "oh honey, I wish I was flying today!" and then I smiled and ran away. I wish I could be as cool as her.

4. On Sunday, we were having our big family Thanksgiving dinner. I proudly walked into my aunt and uncle's kitchen where my extended family was and gave my best, most flamboyant "HAAAAAY!" expecting them to laugh or even say "HAAAAY" back to me. Nobody said anything. They all stared.

5. When I was 18, me and my mom made plans to go see a play at Stage West in Calgary. In case you don't know what that is, it's this kind of dinner theatre production company. So me and my mom had our dinner, and then the show started. Halfway through the show, I puked. I awkwardly and silently ran to the bathroom and continued puking for like, 10 minutes. When I thought it was done (keyword thought), I got some paper towel and tried to wipe the puke off my sweater. This is where it got super awkward. I was in the middle of trying in vain to clean myself up, when this old lady came into the washroom. She looked at me and was like, "did you spill?" and I was like, "no I threw up", and there was a REALLY REALLY LONG PAUSE and she was like, "that's a shame." and ran out. Some other fun facts about that night: Everything I ate came out in reverse order. I puked in a bucket in the backseat of my car for the whole ride home, and then I eventually started puking blood. Yep, great night.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

5 people I fantasize about

1. Tina Fey.

Tina is my ultimate girl crush and main source of inspiration. I think she's actually getting hotter over time. I mean, girlfriend turned 40 this year, and look at her. I really hope that I get to work with her someday because I know that we will be bffs. Then one night I'll invite her over for dinner and we'll sit on my couch sipping wine and there will be a tender moment and then I will kiss her. She will pull away abruptly and I'll have to make some excuse about not meaning it and things will be awkward forever. Yep, that's gonna happen.

2. Matthew Lombardi

Once upon a time, Matthew Lombardi was a hockey player who played for the Calgary Flames. I would attend these games and gaze upon the man who was pure sex on ice. Back in 2009, he got traded to the Phoenix Coyotes and I locked myself in my room for a week and cried. Not joking, I really did. Secretly I still pretend that he plays for the Flames, and I have hope that Daryl Sutter will get him to come back. Matthew Lombardi taught me that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all ~*~.

3. Elijah Wood

This takes me back to when I was 12. I used to pretend that I was gonna marry him and have his hobbit babies. At my 13th birthday party me and my friends rented a bunch of his movies and watched them. Including Flipper. Especially Flipper. Great film. Anyway, I haven't stalked Elijah much in my adult life, but if the opportunity came up, I would totally still take it. I owe it to my preteen self.

4. Jane Lynch

So, I really don't like Glee. I think it's the most irritating show on TV right now, but that's a rant for another day. I keep torturing myself by watching Glee every week because of Jane Lynch. I'm not exactly sure what it is about her, but I do know that her smile melts my heart.

5. Aladdin. No explanation necessary.

Friday, October 8, 2010

things I am obsessed with

1. Lists. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE lists. I make at least one list every day. Lists of chores, lists of groceries, lists of reasons why I love the people I crush on. EVERYTHING. When I was little I had a whole notebook dedicated to listing things that I loved and hated. I'm am seriously OCD about lists and nothing gives me more pleasure than crossing things off of to do lists.

2. Messy Buns. I have to credit my bff Garrett for this. I am not a fortunate enough person to be able to get away with waking up in the morning and not doing my hair. Sometimes I just don't wanna wash my hair in the morning (gross right?) so I just throw my hair up into a messy bun and go on with my day! The beauty about a messy bun is that there is no wrong way to do it. And believe me ladies, the more hair that falls out of it, the better you will look.

3. Puking. I know this makes me sound like I'm bulimic, but trust me, I'm not. It's not like I walk around TRYING to puke, cause I don't. It's just that all of my best stories end with me puking. My favorite puking story happened a few years ago. I was pretty wasted (understatement of the year) and my dad brought me home from the bar and I immediately ran to the bathroom and spent like an hour puking. Then I demanded my mother to fetch me a glass of water. Apparently she was taking too long because I ended up producing an invisible glass full of invisible water and started invisibly drinking it. I then convinced my parents that my own water was the best water I've ever had and it was a shame that I was not willing to share it. That's right folks, I puked so much that I hallucinated water.

4. Multiples of Five. I cannot stress how much I love multiples of five (in case you can't do math, a multiple of five is any number that ends with a 5 or 0). When I watch TV, I NEVER have the volume set to a number that isn't a multiple of five. Sometimes I'll be like, "If I have one more cocktail, that will make it an even five for me!" and then my friends are like, "SAR-AH! Five isn't an even number!" but little do they know... that it's even for me.

5. NBC. I'm not really that obsessed with NBC, but I like NBC and I wanted this list to be an even five.