Thursday, October 21, 2010

ode to megan!

This is my friend Megan. Don't even pretend that she's not the hottest thing you've ever seen because nobody will believe you. NOBODY! Holy shit, you should hear her sing. AMAZING! But enough about Megan and more about why I like her.

Megan is possibly the sweetest girl ever. She's always willing to listen to me when I have drunk crying sessions and sometimes (and by sometimes I really mean often) we talk about our mutual friends and how much we love them and how much they make us sad when they are sad. Oh and she has a pretty impeccable taste in men, if I do say so myself.

I must share with you all what had inspired me to dedicate this post to Megan. She sent me the most epic of epic messages one could ever get. This message was entitled "How to Put Yourself Inside of Megan's Apartment". Inspired by this video:

(at first I embedded the video into my blog, but it messed up the layout and that displeased me so I will just link you to it).

The message itself is below. It is, of course, edited because as if I'm going to post someone's address on the internet for everyone to see. Keep dreaming, potential perverts (and might I say, I've been really good with alliterations lately. GO ME!).

You'll get off the bus in front of a Safeway. DO NOT go into that Safeway; that is not where I live. I live in another place that is not a grocery store.

Cross the street towards the McDonalds. I also don't live in the McDonalds, so don't be fooled. It is merely a landmark on the journey to putting yourself inside Megan's apartment.

Keep going straight along Cardero for one block, through a little bike park. Then you will be at ________ St. Turn right. Halfway down that block is **** ________ St., which is the building I live in. It is also called ***** Manor, but despite this confusing moniker, not everyone who lives in this building is called *****. To call all people emerging from this building "*****" would result in little more than confusion and embarrassment.

The door to the building is glass, which means that it is see-through, but its transparency does not mean that you can also walk through it; to do so would be ill-advised and injurious to your health. Instead, turn your head slightly to the left of the door, where there is a buzzer and a set of numbered buttons.

You will enter the number "***" into the buzzer pad. At first this may cause some consternation, as a cursory examination of the pad will clearly indicate that it only goes as high as the number nine, let alone well into the high hundreds. But fear not! You will accomplish this seemingly impossible task by first depressing the number *, then *, then * again. (Upon reflection, you will likely realize that these three buttons combine to create the triple-digit code listed above). Once you have completed this, engage patiently while the panel activates and makes a "ring" or "tone" sound.

Shortly thereafter, you should hear a voice issuing from the panel; if you have performed the previous step correctly, that voice should be mine (if it is not, graciously excuse yourself, disconnect and repeat the above dialing process). NOTE: my voice issuing from the panel should not be taken as evidence that I live inside the panel, and to attempt to detach the panel and thus free me from my electronic prison would likely result in interference from the building management or proper authorities. Once we have confirmed each others' identities, I will press a button on my phone that will electronically unlock the outside door to my apartment. You will hear a click and a buzz, whereupon you should grasp the handle of the glass door firmly, tug it towards you and pass through the opening created, allowing the door to close behind you once you have entered.

You are now in the lobby of my building. Congratulations! Stride forcefully towards the wood-paneled door directly ahead of you (a confident walk is necessary, for elevators are sensitive and may not respond to a fearful call); take care to stop soon enough that you not collide with the door, but you will see two buttons by the side of the elevator and you must stop within reach of them. Depress the button with an arrow that points upwards.

(Pro Tip: Not sure which way is up? Take a pencil, coin or other small item; hold it extended away from your body and then release it from your hand, so that it falls. The direction opposite to the way the object falls is up.)(Be sure to retrieve your small item after you have done this, particularly if it is a coin, which can be exchanged for goods and services.)

Once you have depressed the "up" button, you should wait patiently until the doors of the elevator open. When they do, walk forward into the elevator, taking care not to collide with the back wall. Once your whole body is inside the elevator, stop and turn to face the direction from which you have just come; you will notice a panel of numbered buttons that were previously hidden from view by dint of your spatial orientation. You may feel overwhelming exhaustion at the sight of further buttons but do not be alarmed: this task is much simpler than the previous numbered buttons, as you must only press one of them.

Press the button marked "*". Momentarily, the doors to the elevator should close, and the elevator itself will begin to rise upwards with you inside of it, on its way to the *****th floor. Please note that if other people are in the elevator with you, they may disembark at other floors that are NOT the *****th floor, and you may need to use quick judgment skills to determine whether their leaving the elevator is an indication that you, too, should leave the elevator. If the elevator stops on floors *-* then, regardless of the actions of others, you should remain inside it, confident that your destination has not yet been reached.

Upon arrival at the *th floor (Pro Tip: there is a panel of number-shaped lights above the elevator door; the number which is lit correlates exactly with the floor the elevator is currently on), exit the elevator and turn to your left. Once you have done that, you will notice that a door bearing the number "***" is merely a few steps forward and to the left of you. Approach this door and knock your fist against it between two and five times (be creative!) to create a series of sharp sounds, which will alert me (on the other side of the door) that you are hoping to put yourself inside my apartment, and are only separated from your goal by the unfortunate fact of the door. I will thus endeavour to remove this final obstacle by unlocking and opening the door, allowing you entrance into my apartment, whereupon we will celebrate your success in a manner to be determined at the time.

I hope these instructions are detailed enough, and look forward to your visit!
Did you know that Megan also has a blog? Check out what she has to say at!

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