Friday, November 12, 2010

I probably won't like you if:

So in case you don't know me in person, I have composed a list of things you absolutely should not do if and when you meet me. Treat this list like a Bible, and I will guarantee you that you will make a good first impression.

I probably won't like you the first time I meet you if you:
-eat celery.
-say "shedule" instead of "schedule".
-are a creeper at the bar.
-don't laugh at my hilarious jokes.
-discourage me from having a good time (aka tell me to stop drinking).
-tell me to stop drinking.
-tell me to be quiet.
-find bathroom humor offensive.
-are unattractive.
(just kidding, looks aren't everything)
-walk slowly.
-don't think my dad is awesome and hilarious.
-are difficult to understand.
-dislike Pokemon.
-dislike The Golden Girls.
-are Nicholas Cage.
-are a massive buzzkill.
-are a hipster.
-wear Ed Hardy.
-don't buy me alcohol.
-only talk about politics.
-tell me that Saturday Night Live isn't as good as it used to be.
-make some creepy sexual joke. Like um hi we just met.
-only talk about yourself.
-forget my name immediately after I give it to you.
-have a bad haircut.
-are a crying baby.
-smell bad.
-try to sell me something.
-give me your number when I didn't even ask for it.
-are smarter than me.
-are more attractive than me.
-do anything that I can easily be jealous of.
-crash into my car.

There are of course, many more things I could add to the list, but I think we'll stop here for tonight. And don't be too concerned if you don't make a good impression... I'm generally pretty good at giving people second chances.


  1. I had celery root soup at lunch today. It was creamy and delicious and intensely celery-tasting. CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?!?!?

  2. since I already know you, I will let it slide... this time.