I probably won't like you if:

So in case you don't know me in person, I have composed a list of things you absolutely should not do if and when you meet me. Treat this list like a Bible, and I will guarantee you that you will make a good first impression.

I probably won't like you the first time I meet you if you:

-eat celery.

-say "shedule" instead of "schedule".

-are a creeper at the bar.

-don't laugh at my hilarious jokes.

-discourage me from having a good time (aka tell me to stop drinking).

-tell me to stop drinking.

-tell me to be quiet.

-find bathroom humor offensive.

-are unattractive.

(just kidding, looks aren't everything)

-walk slowly.

-don't think my dad is awesome and hilarious.

-are difficult to understand.

-dislike Pokemon.

-dislike The Golden Girls.

-are Nicholas Cage.

-are a massive buzzkill.

-are a hipster.

-wear Ed Hardy.

-don't buy me alcohol.

-only talk about politics.

-tell me that Saturday Night Live isn't as good as it used to be.

-make some creepy sexual joke. Like um hi we just met.

-only talk about yourself.

-forget my name immediately after I give it to you.

-have a bad haircut.

-are a crying baby.

-smell bad.

-try to sell me something.

-give me your number when I didn't even ask for it.

-are smarter than me.

-are more attractive than me.

-do anything that I can easily be jealous of.

-crash into my car.

There are of course, many more things I could add to the list, but I think we'll stop here for tonight. And don't be too concerned if you don't make a good impression... I'm generally pretty good at giving people second chances.