don't think of this as goodbye but… well yeah it's goodbye

You probably didn't notice that it's been over 11 months since I last published anything here. That's most likely because you've been distracted by other articles, tweets, tumblrs, etc.

So have I.

The truth is that for the greater part of the last year, I've been feeling a large, forceful resistance towards being creative. I think many people go through this. At first it's like, "Oh, I'll just take a week off from writing", and suddenly that week has become a year and the guilt you feel from not writing eats away at your soul and your soul dies forever and you're doomed to watch syndicated episodes of The Big Bang Theory to fill your spare time. Oh, the horror!

Where am I going with this? Let me tell you…

I recently went on a trip to New York City. It was my first time there, and it was incredible. It was inspiring. It was everything I thought it would be and more. The funny thing about NYC is that it kind of makes you want to… write.

So here I am, bursting at the seams with the potential that I see in myself with my current outlet being… this blog.

Let's review: I created this blog when I was a 20 year old film school student living in Vancouver. I'm now 24 year old administrative assistant living in Calgary. Anyone who is consistently looking forward in their life can tell you that a lot can change within 4 years. I no longer have the time to compile lists like "Top Five List of the Most Attractive Cartoon Characters" (But let's be real, Aladdin would win). Not to say that I can't appreciate the kind of stuff I used to write about, but I've grown up. The voice I created with this blog four years ago isn't consistent with the voice I have now.

I've pretty much written a novel here at this point, but to summarize: this is the official end of Widows on the Dock. I've been toying with this decision for two weeks now, and I truly feel that this is as far as I could have come with this blog. And I think it's better to write a final goodbye than to just let a blog remain un-updated and unexplained. I'd like to thank all of my friends who've followed along over the years! There's no way I would've kept it at without your support!

So there you have it… a final farewell from Widows on the Dock. As for future writing endeavours, I can guarantee that there are things in the works.

Best Wishes,
Sarah

coming to terms with feminism

I don't consider myself to be a feminist. I mean, yeah, I care about my reproductive rights and being able to get a job and stuff, but only in the past few years have I started to listen and learn about feminism. I fully admit that I still have a lot to learn and really think about. After quietly watching from the sidelines, here are the opinions I've developed towards feminism:

1. There is a HUGE divide in opinions on sex and sexuality and it doesn't make sense. For example: A woman dressed provocatively can be seen as degrading to some women. Others will say it's empowering. There are strong arguments for both opinions. Long story short: a woman can never please everyone. See Miley Cyrus.

2. True feminism isn't just about getting women out of the kitchen and into the workplace. It's about having the right to choose to have a career, a family, or both. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a career over a baby, just as there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a baby over a career. Both are decisions that should be respected by men and women alike.

3. If a man holds a door open for a woman, and she responds with something along the lines of "I can open the door myself!"she has the wrong idea. I apologize to all of the men in the world who committed an act of politeness towards a woman to only be scolded in the name of feminism. That isn't fair. I mean, let's get real for a minute. Holding a door open for another person is something we should all be doing regardless of gender, age, or race. It's not a chivalrous crime, it's just a goddamn nice thing to do.

Again, if I may reiterate, I do not call myself a feminist. I care about feminist issues, as all women should, but I consider myself to be an advocate of respect and common sense as I see it. I don't want to spout off a list of contradictory rules and make the men in my life follow them. Look, I see the positive strides that these women are making, and I definitely appreciate and am grateful for them, but I feel like we (as in, every woman in the world) need to have a conference where we can sit down and hash out the rules we're setting up and the standards to which they will be followed. How can we expect men to treat us the way we want them to, when the way we want to be treated is so convoluted and confusing that even women have a hard time understanding it? I don't know how many times I've seen or heard a woman put down feminism, saying that feminists are crazy men-hating women and in some cases, have suggested that these women get gender reassignment surgery, since they want to be equal to men and everything. I'm sorry, but I just can't fully get on board with a movement while we're all on different pages here. I truly believe that as a collective gender, we are smart and strong enough to establish equality, but until we all agree on how to go about the fight for equality, it's going to be a one-step-forward, two-steps-back process. 

So for now, I choose to live somewhere between both worlds. In this place I can identify myself as a strong minded woman, where I can expect to pay my portion of the tab when I'm on a dinner date with a man and be pleasantly surprised when he picks up the whole bill. This heavy bag I'm carrying through the airport? I can manage it, but it's sweet of you to ask. Any future daughter of mine can wear pink because maybe that's just her favourite colour, and she can wear it without feeling like she's doing a disservice to her gender. She's allowed to play with Barbies, Lego, and Hot Wheels because those toys are awesome and appeal to her. I don't want her to grow up believing that her only purpose in life is to become a doctor or lawyer or engineer or stay-at-home-mom or working mother. I want her to grow up believing that she should explore every opportunity that is given to her and do the work that makes her happy. She wears clothes that she's comfortable and confident in. She doesn't feel like she has to wear something she feels insecure in because she was told that it would attract men, because she doesn't believe that she needs a man to make her life complete, but if she finds one that does, that's great too. I look forward to meeting him. I would hope for the exact same things for my son-in-law.

I understand that I've probably opened a giant can of worms here, and that a lot of people will probably disagree with my opinion or try to point out some hypocrisy in it, but there you have it. The cool thing about opinions is that they can change over time. Maybe us women will figure it all out one day and will stop making each other feel guilty about our life choices.

thankful

Be forewarned. The following post may get all serious and deep up in here. It may be sappy and cheesy but it's 100% true and from my heart. Now with that disclaimer, let's get an entry written up in this bitch!

I was originally planning to do a "year in review" type post in December, and I will likely do a post at the year's end complete with pictures documenting the highlights of 2013, but today's post is more of a coming of age story about my life in the past year.

You see, Thanksgiving weekend 2012 was when I started to think about making some big changes in my life. I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I was more heartbroken than I think I would've liked to admit at that time. As someone who has struggled with depression in the past, I recognized that this was a path that I could not continue on. There were some very negative aspects going on in my life and I needed to do something, anything, to change it.

Now, I don't do anything at 50%. I flipped my entire life around as much as I possibly could. I switched jobs and decided to go back to school without looking back.

At first I felt a little bit discouraged, because I still had unpleasant feelings about myself and my life (even though it was comforting to know that it would be temporary). Throughout the past few months at school, I almost felt like I was in a coma at times. I got through my days on very little sleep and felt like a zombie for most of the time. Between work and school, my social life was nearly non-existant. I eventually left my job at the end of my first semester because the course load was increasing dramatically. Fortunately, there has only been one emotional meltdown caused by finances since then.

I officially finished school on September 20. I guess you could say that I have been doing some "freelance" administrative work between then and now. Although I am currently unemployed, I'm finding my job hunt to be rather fruitful, which is amazing.

It's kind of funny how when one thing in your life starts going really well, your overall outlook on life becomes positive as well. I have the energy to work out everyday... I'm finally starting to look and feel more toned and I'm eating a lot healthier as well. I'm much happier and I feel a lot more like an adult every day. I have the most supportive and caring friends and family. These are all things I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving and I hope to carry this positivity into 2014 (it's sooner than we think!).

While in so many ways, I feel like I haven't changed, but I really and truly have grown up this year. A good friend told me back in January that 2013 would be a good year for me, and I never really believed him until now. I've made so many discoveries about life and people, such as how it is possible to end a friendship on good terms, and that only you can really change the things that make you unhappy. I've learned that alcohol can't always hide your problem. I've learned that saying "I can't do this anymore" to something that is causing you great grief doesn't make you failure. You can't help someone with their problem if they're not helping them self. Just to name a few things I've learned.

I think the next time life knocks me down, I'll just look back and remember these things. I have a lot to be thankful for this weekend.

guest post: eddie vedder

The following post was written by Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder.

ERRRRRRRRRR RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MUUURURRRRRRRRR AHHHHHHHHH AHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR NOTHINGMAAAAAAAAAAAAN AAAAAAHHHHH YAAAAAAAYEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAA JEREMY SPOOOOOKE IN CLAAAAAASS TODAAAAAAAAAAAAY ERRRRRRRR RAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN WUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR.

Thank you Eddie. That was eloquent as always.

attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

sarah reviews the calgary flames 2013 season without mentioning actual hockey

If you're a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist, or have any other kind of career that requires you to be super smart, you may have figured out that I'm a hockey fan. Now I'm not gonna say that I'm this HUGE fan that knows all these statistics and let's be real, I can barely calculate a percentage, let alone a save percentage (FACT: math makes me cry), but I enjoy watching the game in my free time.

Let's get a little more specific. I'm primarily a Calgary Flames fan. This is probably due to the fact that I was born and raised in Calgary. These things happen. With the regular NHL season ending this week, I thought that I would "review" the Flames 2013 season without discussing actual hockey.

I'm going to go a little off track and discuss food. Some amazing creations were invented at the Saddledome this year:

This is the ever popular "Hawaiian Shaved Ice Cream". If you've ever been to Hawaii, it's basically a snowcone with a scoop of ice cream. At the Saddledome, they have a shaved ice stand, as well as ice cream stands, but no stand that mixes them together for you. You have not lived until you've combined the two.

This is the slightly not as popular "Nachcorn". Basically you put some popcorn into the cheese portion of your nachos for a savoury delight.

Another cool thing that happened this year was that I found this couch! One of the Seven Wonders of the Saddledome:

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that there are Seven Wonders of the Saddledome! Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Dutton's Pub

2. The East Entrance

3. The Magical Elevator of Love

4. That Couch (pictured above)

5. The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics

6. Press Level

7. Jay Feaster's Giant Bag of Popcorn

If you want to get the most out of your Calgary Flames experience, I suggest you become familiar with these Seven Wonders. They have been the cause of so many great inside jokes.

What else happened this year? Oh yeah, I rode The Magical Elevator of Love with Peter Maher and told him that I was gonna get drunk...I'm so awkward!

One thing that was actually really cool about this year was that I went to a Flames season ticket holder party with one of my best friends, Holly. Hands down, the best thing about that party were the chicken wings they served. Like, I know that makes it sound like the party was lame, but it wasn't. The chicken wings were just that good. I'm still regretting not putting more in my purse for later. Or asking for the recipe. Cause god damn, those were amazing. Anyway. The party was bumping. Holly and I were having a good time making fun of the dumb people we know and secretly hoping that Ken King would appear in a tuxedo wearing a monocle at any moment, when lo and behold, he did (although sadly not as well dressed as we imagined). Then the party mysteriously turned into a press conference where a lot of intense questions were asked, such as "Is Jarome Iginla getting traded?" (we were told no. Funny, right?) and "Did Mike Cammalleri get to keep the puck from the game where he scored a hat trick the other night?" (seriously lady, your question was dumb and that's why I'm making fun of you right now.) And then the scariest moment of all happened: A little boy shyly walked up to Ken King and KEN KING TOUSLED THE BOY'S HAIR. Hands down the most cringeworthy moment of the year for me, and I was at the game where the Oilers beat us 8-2... I'm just... not a fan of tousling hair. It creeps me out.

Stalker photo provided by Holly

I would also like to declare the Flames 2013 season "The Year of the Selfies".

2013 will also be the year Holly and I saw a bird flying through the Saddledome. Not sure how it got there, and we only saw it at that one particular game, but we affectionately named it "Bird" as it stole our hearts that night.

There was also a streaker. I need not say more about that.

This year, we lost Jarome Iginla. That was sad. But after the game Holly and I met up with Nikki and we watched Clueless. That was enjoyable. We also lost Jay Bouwmeester. I felt no emotion towards that. Then we lost Blake Comeau. That's been the hardest trade to deal with (no it hasn't).

This is also maybe worth mentioning:

Not sure what this means

I don't know about you guys, but I had a very successful Flames season. We may not be winning the Stanley Cup this year (no guys we are definitely not winning the Stanley Cup this year), but rest assured that change is coming and be hopeful for next year. Remember: Anything Could Happen.

Just FYI: This song sounds amazing when you sing it in The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics.

the first step is admitting that you have a problem

So I did that thing again. You know, that thing where I don't write in my blog for 2 months. At first I honestly didn't have time to, but then I did... and I filled that time with other things. Like sleeping. I sleep so much now it's ridiculous. That's not what I came here to talk about today, so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past 2 months and then get into the nitty gritty of today's post. I'm warning you, there's potential for some ~*~real talk~*~ today.

1. Hockey's back and that's great.

2. School is meh. Some days I like it, most days I don't.

3. Working lots but not too much. Saving monaaaaay!

4. Partying partying yeah!

ANYWAY

I feel like I'm learning more about myself these days than I am about office administration. Legit. Like, 2 months ago, I learned that I'm in love. You're probably thinking, how could she not know that? BUT THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! Like in Clueless. Don't laugh, but yeah I'm in love with my ex-step brother. Just kidding, I'm in love with Paul Rudd.

Best movie about my life ever

It hasn't been easy. Because I've also learned that when I like someone, I become hypersensitive to everything they say and do and they inevitably piss me off and we get into a fight. Not even joking, I've gotten into fights with like, every single person I've crushed on. I don't like that. But in the spirit of 2013 and changing for the better, I'm doing my best with it. Like, yesterday, this person said something that I COMPLETELY disagreed with, but I chose to not pick a fight about it. EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT AND I'M STILL ANNOYED ABOUT IT TODAY. But whatever, in a few days I'll either forget about it or secretly resent this person for it for the rest of our lives. Not a big deal I guess.

Oh and also, the object of my affections can never do anything right. I've seriously said to my friends, "he doesn't talk to me enough!" and then the next day I told them, "omg he talks too much!" and it doesn't even sound crazy to me when I say it. That's the most disturbing part of all of this. I have been this way with people for literally my whole life. That's 23 years of being insane and not even knowing it. I should maybe apologize to every person I've had feelings for. But I won't because that would be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. "Sorry for secretly being in love with you and having unrealistic expectations of you that you could never live up to" yeah not gonna happen.

I'm also learning that "love" is a loose definition. For most of my life, I thought that love was something that only existed when reciprocated. But fuck that. Love is anything that I enjoy spending my time with. I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love listening to Beastie Boys. I also thought that if love isn't returned, it had to be painful. But you know what? Other than when this person is saying dumb stuff and pissing me off, this person makes me very happy. And I don't even know if they love me. And it's kind of irrelevant whether they do or not. So whatever, I'm happy and shit. Rawr!