attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

the first step is admitting that you have a problem

So I did that thing again. You know, that thing where I don't write in my blog for 2 months. At first I honestly didn't have time to, but then I did... and I filled that time with other things. Like sleeping. I sleep so much now it's ridiculous. That's not what I came here to talk about today, so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past 2 months and then get into the nitty gritty of today's post. I'm warning you, there's potential for some ~*~real talk~*~ today.

1. Hockey's back and that's great.

2. School is meh. Some days I like it, most days I don't.

3. Working lots but not too much. Saving monaaaaay!

4. Partying partying yeah!

ANYWAY

I feel like I'm learning more about myself these days than I am about office administration. Legit. Like, 2 months ago, I learned that I'm in love. You're probably thinking, how could she not know that? BUT THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! Like in Clueless. Don't laugh, but yeah I'm in love with my ex-step brother. Just kidding, I'm in love with Paul Rudd.

Best movie about my life ever

It hasn't been easy. Because I've also learned that when I like someone, I become hypersensitive to everything they say and do and they inevitably piss me off and we get into a fight. Not even joking, I've gotten into fights with like, every single person I've crushed on. I don't like that. But in the spirit of 2013 and changing for the better, I'm doing my best with it. Like, yesterday, this person said something that I COMPLETELY disagreed with, but I chose to not pick a fight about it. EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT AND I'M STILL ANNOYED ABOUT IT TODAY. But whatever, in a few days I'll either forget about it or secretly resent this person for it for the rest of our lives. Not a big deal I guess.

Oh and also, the object of my affections can never do anything right. I've seriously said to my friends, "he doesn't talk to me enough!" and then the next day I told them, "omg he talks too much!" and it doesn't even sound crazy to me when I say it. That's the most disturbing part of all of this. I have been this way with people for literally my whole life. That's 23 years of being insane and not even knowing it. I should maybe apologize to every person I've had feelings for. But I won't because that would be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. "Sorry for secretly being in love with you and having unrealistic expectations of you that you could never live up to" yeah not gonna happen.

I'm also learning that "love" is a loose definition. For most of my life, I thought that love was something that only existed when reciprocated. But fuck that. Love is anything that I enjoy spending my time with. I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love listening to Beastie Boys. I also thought that if love isn't returned, it had to be painful. But you know what? Other than when this person is saying dumb stuff and pissing me off, this person makes me very happy. And I don't even know if they love me. And it's kind of irrelevant whether they do or not. So whatever, I'm happy and shit. Rawr!

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.

not effin cool

Blah, you guys, I gotta level with you. I'm crushing hardcore these days. And while the whole ~*~up all nite thinkin of u~*~ and the butterflies in my stomach are nice to feel after not having it for so long, it mostly bums me out. I mean, I had pretty much sworn off crushes because I was convinced that Zac Efron and I would've found each other by now. I'm not giving up on him yet, though.

You just never know.

So, this crush. Ughhh. I guess it started out normally enough. You know, you see him at work/school one day and can hardly contain your excitement about this new and exquisite find. You ask all your coworkers/classmates, "who is THAT?" making no effort to hide your obvious enthusiasm. They have no idea, and it's clear that they don't see what you see (maybe because some of them are men) but you don't care because you're insecure and HATE a chase when you've got competition.

And suddenly everything changes! You put more effort into your appearance. You freak out on a daily basis because omg no amount of concealer can hide this pimple and FML this one curly piece of hair WILL NOT STRAIGHTEN! Keep in mind that at this point you probably don't even know his name, but whatever, you've made one up for him (Stavros. Boyboy. Painter Guy.) and maybe today will be the day you drop the big "hello" on him. But it's not, you're too shy! Maybe normally you push through your shyness and talk to him anyway, but this time, it's different. This time, you want it to work out. Because faking outgoingness never worked for you before. Except for that one time that it did, and you were so terrified of your success that you ended the relationship before it really could've started. But you were younger then, and you're much more mature about things now. Except you still kind of think you're gonna puke whenever you're near this guy.

Okay, so it's a new day now. You swear you're gonna at least get his name today. And you do! You overhear him introduce himself (the name you picked for him wasn't even close FYI) so now you're all excited and tell all of your friends about him! They want to know what he looks like, so you discreetly snap a picture with your phone but because you had to be subtle it's all dark and blurry. Or you go into the public school files and find his class picture and print it out (I didn't do this. Only creepy people do this). Your friends text you, "oh he's a cutie patio tie" (because autocorrect doesn't recognize patootie) even though you know they have no idea what they're looking at. And in some sort of twisted irony, you notice some guy exhibiting this kind of behaviour towards you but you brush him off as some creep.

One day, your babe gets a haircut. You HATE it more than ANYTHING and begin to question all of the choices you've made in life.

But after a couple of days, you're over it. It's just a haircut, and you're not that shallow. However, you're now in an uncomfortable place because you've seen each other around for quite a while now, yet you've never been properly introduced. It'd be too awkward to ask him what his name was now (even though you already know it) because you really should've asked him when you first saw him. So now you start fantasizing about how to initiate conversation with him in a way that seems natural. I like to somehow figure out a way to show off one of my hidden talents in these daydreams. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to naturally bring up how good I am at stalking people on the internet, but maybe you'll have better luck.

So one day you're on your lunch break, and so is he. But he's with a woman. This woman is not you. And you just fly off the handle (internally, of course). You're at your table, trying not to stare, holding back tears, crying into your salad, tweeting about how sad you are. You used to joke around about how depressing this song was, but now that song has become your life! You are miserable about it for the rest of the day. You loathe that woman. Upon closer inspection, you realize that she's much older than he is and is probably his mom or something. You still hate her, though.

Now you're going on vacation, yay! You need a distraction in the worst way. You ask your friends to keep an eye on him for you (just kidding! But not really!) and they do. Maybe too much of an eye. You come back and they have a collection of short stories for you. You love it! But you still have no idea how to talk to this guy. Maybe one day you'll just run into him and be cool enough to be all, "I think you're a babe". Maybe. We can only hope.

And maybe, one day you'll be clubbing with your friends and omg he's there too! You point him out to your friends and they're all, "go talk to him!" but the common theme in this story has been that you're too chicken shit to say anything to him, so instead you choose to "casually" get into his eye sight and see if he notices you. He looks at you for a few moments, but he recognizes you! YAY! Unfortunately, it's too loud to hear what he's saying so you just smile and nod until your friends decide it's time to go. Sigh.

And then you read this whole story and realize that it's not really surprising that your crushes become nothing more than crushes. Maybe the next time will be different.

leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

girl talk!

So I haven't updated in a month. Which I feel bad about, but to those of you who check my blog daily in hopes of finding something new, I have to ask: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SUMMER?!

Anyway, a few days ago I found this little gem on youtube. GIRL TALK! Featuring a very young Sarah Michelle Gellar and Soleil Moon Frye (which has to be one of the stupidest names ever, I'm sorry. Just kidding, I'm not. Her name is really stupid and I won't apologize for that, her parents should). Anyway, it's from 1989, and it's pretty awful. But awful in a way that makes you want to see more. Unfortunately there was only one episode made. It bums me out that the theme song is way too long because I'd like to see more of the girls talking.

I also enjoyed the interview with the guy I had never heard of before. It's nice to know that he once existed.

But I think my favorite part is when they "talk" to the New Kids On The Block (I use that term loosely because you don't really see the girls in the same room with them)! Keep your ears peeled for when one of them says, "when people offer you drugs, if you don't want them, just say no". Solid advice.

It's such a shame that this only lasted one episode. I really would've liked to heard what Joey Lawrence would've had to have said.

shit

You guys, I am seriously so disappointed! Last weekend I went to buy a new bicycle with my parents, and I was so psyched and in a hurry about it that I didn't put any effort into how I looked that day.

I mean, this is pretty much what I look like when I put a little work into my appearance:

I know I'm probably not the hottest babe you've ever seen, but I'm not so tough on the eyes right? Unfortunately, here's what I looked like when I went bike shopping:

Not only is it terrible that I went out in public looking like that, but the guy who helped us find bikes was pretty much the hottest guy ever. I'm not even exaggerating, it was so hard to pretend that I wasn't attracted right away cause my parents were there and if they knew they would've made fun of me for it in front of him. But seriously. He looked like this:

He looked just like Zac Efron! And everybody knows that Zac Efron makes me weak in the knees (and moist in the panties... JK as if I'm that saucy... SURPRISE I REALLY AM)! In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was Zac Efron. Ugh, I totally had a chance to get with Zac Efron and I completely blew it.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the fallout of this experience. I mean, it was almost a week ago and I'm still really bummed out about it. Although there is some silver lining! I made a joke and he laughed at it so that was good... but then I self hi-fived myself so... I'll be single forever basically.

umm okay

This entry goes out to my main girl, Tanaya.

So, facebook recently changed their messaging system, and basically, every message I've ever received and sent made its way back into my inbox. 3 years ago I received this message and totally forgot about it and its lulziness:

I was young and clearly wanted to take the high road so I didn't bother carrying the conversation further, but if I had gotten that message today, I'd probably respond with something like this:

Hey man, thanks for pointing out that my name is spelled wrong! Imagine: I went through 21 years of a misspelled name and nobody bothered to tell me! How embarrassing! Thank God for people like you who think that telling complete strangers on Facebook that their first names are improperly spelled is an appropriate thing to do! Most people probably wouldn't have that kind of courage! But _________, I'm a little confused. We've clearly established that my name is incorrectly spelled, but I must ask, how am I supposed to spell my name? I'm afraid that you didn't really specify.

Oh and ______, thank you for calling me "hott". There is nothing more flattering than being complimented by a stranger on the internet. And for the record, I'm not Serbian. In fact, I'm Croatian, and given the bad blood between our ethnic backgrounds, I'm afraid that our love will never be.

Thanks so much!

Sarah

or is it Sara?

Sarha?

I don't fucking know.

top 5 cartoons I will force my future children to watch

Okay, confession time... I love cartoons. Children's cartoons. And I'm 21. And if I ever have children, they'd better love cartoons too. Or else I'll make them watch me eat giant jars of Nutella all by myself and I will not share. I haven't done a top 5 in a while, so here's a list of the top 5 cartoons I will make my children watch:

1. Franklin

Raise your hand if the first thing you thought when you saw this picture was "HEEEEEEY IT'S FRANKLIN!"

Franklin can count by twos and tie his shoes. He can button buttons and zip zippers. He's also kind of a huge idiot. He's a perfect example of how to fail at life. I know he's young and all, but seriously Franklin, you are the stupidest one out of all of your friends. And on a side note: Why does Badger need walkers? Never mind, I just wikipedia'd the show and apparently Badger has cerebral palsy but it was never mentioned on the show. What's the point of giving a character a disability and never mentioning it? Regardless, I'll make my future kids watch this show so they can learn to not do stupid shit like lose their favorite toy.

2. Pokemon

What is going on in this picture? I don't even care because IT. IS. AWESOME.

Shit yeah, I love this show. I'm actually in the process of watching all of it from the very beginning, which is kind of daunting because there are 14 seasons and counting. I haven't decided yet if I want my kids to watch this show in its entirety... it will all depend on if Jesse and James from Team Rocket will ever hook up (I REALLY HOPE THEY DO! Or at least just make out a little to see what it's like).

3. Babar

Babar looks better in green than St. Patrick. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

Holy shit, Babar. Did you know that Babar's wife, Celeste, is his cousin? GROSS! But I try not to judge. That tends to happen a lot in the animal world. Anyway, Babar is pretty awesome, but the REAL star of the show is Retaxes. Even though he's like, the most passive aggressive villain ever. I mean, he's definitely the antagonist most of the time, but he never puts Celesteville in any real danger. What's your deal Retaxes?

4. Arthur

The biggest badass motherfucker on PBS.

I don't have to justify how awesome Arthur is. I still watch this shit like the world will end if I don't.

5. Ferngully

The Batty Koda rap: the anthem of our generation

This is what I'll force my kids to watch when they've been misbehaving, because chances are, Hexxus will scare the shit out of them like it did to me. Hell, I'm still afraid of Hexxus. Regardless of how much shit in my pants Hexxus has caused me over the years, this is still one of the best movies ever.

gotta get down on fried eggs

Apparently I've been too focused on the situation in Japan lately, because I had no idea that this video existed until yesterday. I'm of course talking about the musical masterpiece known as "Friday" by 13 year old Rebecca Black.

At first, I didn't understand what the hate on this video was all about. I thought that she and a group of her friends had written and recorded the song themselves, and filmed a video for it all on their own. I was impressed that a group of 13 year olds could produce something that looked so professional. But then I found out that an actual record label invested money into this production and now all I can do is facepalm.

The record label Rebecca Black has signed with is known as "Ark Music Factory" (more like "Evil Music Factory" AMIRIGHT AMIRIGHT?)- a label who evidently casts young talent to record their songs. But not without the help of auto tune! Which is a shame, because these young kids probably do have some amount of legit talent.

I just don't understand the process. Do these song writers actually get paid for shit like this? Do the executives get to see the finished product before it is released? And if so, do they actually watch it and go "WE'VE GOT THE NEXT BIG HIT ON OUR HANDS!" I mean, they probably think they're helping these kids' careers but honestly... who would pay money to see Rebecca Black sing "Friday" live? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller? Didn't think so. And what exactly is the target audience they're trying to cater to? I think I would've felt that my intelligence was being insulted if this song came out when I was a child.

If you think you can stomach it, check out some of the other talent on Ark Music Factory's roster.

And you thought Justin Bieber was annoying? But I can't in good conscience bash these kids for doing what they love to do, so maybe this is one of those rare times where we should "hate the game, not the player".

my bad

So it looks like 2011 hasn't been off to a good start blogwise.

But to be fair, January is always a dicking busy month for me! I mean, my brother has a birthday, so then I get drunk, and then I have a birthday, and then I get super drunk, and then I need a whole week to recover so... you know what? After writing this all out, I realize that it's a totally shitty excuse.

In case you haven't figured it out, this entry is all about my excuses for not updating, in hopes that publicly shaming myself will inspire me to write more.

You want to know the truth? I have spent the last 2 weeks assembling a team of wild animals in order to defeat the Elite Four and become the reigning Pokemon champion! I don't think you realize how much time and thought goes into that process. However... all of my hard work has finally paid off, because as of today, I have defeated the Elite Four. HI FIVES ALL AROUND!

Don't you hate it when you do things that feel like a huge accomplishment, but in the big scheme of things, it was really just a waste of time?

Welcome back, Sarah.

having a crush on a teacher and how to deal with it

So, it's finally happened. You have a crush on your teacher. You're not sure what exactly set it off. Maybe it was the day they wore contacts instead of glasses and you saw their eyes for the first time. Perhaps it was the pat on the back they gave you when you aced their test. It might have even been the time they were taking off their sweater and their t-shirt underneath rode up and you saw their stomach. Whatever it was, you're in deep and whenever they say something to you, you blush and giggle like a school girl and bang your head on the locker in shame afterwards.

Fun fact about this photo:

I googled "hot male teacher" and this was the best picture that came up.

Google has failed me.

I mean, this guy isn't bad, but I had some pretty high expectations.

Well my friends, I'm here to help. My first helpful tidbit of advice is to remove any shame and embarrassment that you may be feeling. And to congratulate yourself. I mean, admitting that you have a crush on a teacher is basically like admitting that you see that person as a regular human being, and not simply just a figure of authority. I mean, this lucky object of your affection is just a regular human being after all. A human being with needs. Sexual needs. So good for you for rising above your peers and recognizing that!

And I'm not gonna lie, people will judge you for this. But as they say on the internet, "Haters gonna hate". I figure that these people are only bestowing judgment upon you to hide their own shame. You know how gay kids get bullied by closeted gay kids? It's exactly like that. They just simply have a lot of feelings and they don't know how to deal with them yet. And anyone who claims to have never had a crush on a teacher before is a liar. Simple as that.

Anyway, back to the actual teacher themselves. Now you probably don't know how to act around them! You have two basic options: 1. Owning it, and 2. Pretending it doesn't exist.

1. Owning It. This is the route I'm more likely to take. Sure, it can be risky and vulnerable, but the trick is to exude so much confidence so it seems that this shit doesn't phase you. Seriously. Be so cool about it that it even makes the teacher feel insecure.

2. Pretending It Doesn't Exist. It's the safer choice, but it's also pretty boring. Besides, you're more likely to blush and giggle at everything and you'll just give yourself away anyway.

And so, you finally graduate and this teacher is now fair game (if you haven't somehow managed to get them fired)! The question is: Do you make a move? Well, that is entirely up to you, but I would recommend waiting a few months while staying in touch. That way, the teacher-student relationship can wear off and you can start a new relationship as friends. With or without benefits. Whatever, I don't care. I can't tell you how to run your life.

Oh, and P.S. - you should maybe consider that you are probably not the first student that has had feelings for this teacher. They may or may not get this kind of thing all the time. So... be careful about that.

top 5 awkward moments of my life so far

In no particular order.

1. I was in my grade 12 social class, spacing out and chewing gum like a lazy motherfucker with my mouth open, and the gum fell out of my mouth and onto the floor. My initial reaction was sheer embarrassment, and I frantically looked around to see if anyone near me saw it. Nobody did. But the shame never went away and I carry it around with me everyday.

2. Again in grade 12, my parents took me and my brother to see Borat. Which is like, one of the most awkward movies you could watch with your parents, but my parents are pretty cool so that was fine. But it was kind of lame being 16 and going to a movie with your mom and dad and little brother. The worst part of this experience was when the movie was over me and my mom waited outside of theatre 8 because my dad and brother were using the washroom. This guy that I was hardcore crushing on came out of the theatre with his friends and omg I died. The next school day when he saw me he was like, "Did your parents like the movie?" omg I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

3. Last Christmas, I flew home from Vancouver to Calgary. I was using the self check in machine and I must've looked confused because a nice WestJet employee came over to help me. When my boarding pass had been printed, she turned to me and said, "have a nice flight!" I then replied with, "you too!" I should've just played off that faux pas (awesome word) like it was nothing, but I realized my horrible mistake and immediately said, "OH NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" The employee was super cool about it though. She was like, "oh honey, I wish I was flying today!" and then I smiled and ran away. I wish I could be as cool as her.

4. On Sunday, we were having our big family Thanksgiving dinner. I proudly walked into my aunt and uncle's kitchen where my extended family was and gave my best, most flamboyant "HAAAAAY!" expecting them to laugh or even say "HAAAAY" back to me. Nobody said anything. They all stared.

5. When I was 18, me and my mom made plans to go see a play at Stage West in Calgary. In case you don't know what that is, it's this kind of dinner theatre production company. So me and my mom had our dinner, and then the show started. Halfway through the show, I puked. I awkwardly and silently ran to the bathroom and continued puking for like, 10 minutes. When I thought it was done (keyword thought), I got some paper towel and tried to wipe the puke off my sweater. This is where it got super awkward. I was in the middle of trying in vain to clean myself up, when this old lady came into the washroom. She looked at me and was like, "did you spill?" and I was like, "no I threw up", and there was a REALLY REALLY LONG PAUSE and she was like, "that's a shame." and ran out. Some other fun facts about that night: Everything I ate came out in reverse order. I puked in a bucket in the backseat of my car for the whole ride home, and then I eventually started puking blood. Yep, great night.