the first step is admitting that you have a problem

So I did that thing again. You know, that thing where I don't write in my blog for 2 months. At first I honestly didn't have time to, but then I did... and I filled that time with other things. Like sleeping. I sleep so much now it's ridiculous. That's not what I came here to talk about today, so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past 2 months and then get into the nitty gritty of today's post. I'm warning you, there's potential for some ~*~real talk~*~ today.

1. Hockey's back and that's great.

2. School is meh. Some days I like it, most days I don't.

3. Working lots but not too much. Saving monaaaaay!

4. Partying partying yeah!

ANYWAY

I feel like I'm learning more about myself these days than I am about office administration. Legit. Like, 2 months ago, I learned that I'm in love. You're probably thinking, how could she not know that? BUT THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! Like in Clueless. Don't laugh, but yeah I'm in love with my ex-step brother. Just kidding, I'm in love with Paul Rudd.

Best movie about my life ever

It hasn't been easy. Because I've also learned that when I like someone, I become hypersensitive to everything they say and do and they inevitably piss me off and we get into a fight. Not even joking, I've gotten into fights with like, every single person I've crushed on. I don't like that. But in the spirit of 2013 and changing for the better, I'm doing my best with it. Like, yesterday, this person said something that I COMPLETELY disagreed with, but I chose to not pick a fight about it. EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT AND I'M STILL ANNOYED ABOUT IT TODAY. But whatever, in a few days I'll either forget about it or secretly resent this person for it for the rest of our lives. Not a big deal I guess.

Oh and also, the object of my affections can never do anything right. I've seriously said to my friends, "he doesn't talk to me enough!" and then the next day I told them, "omg he talks too much!" and it doesn't even sound crazy to me when I say it. That's the most disturbing part of all of this. I have been this way with people for literally my whole life. That's 23 years of being insane and not even knowing it. I should maybe apologize to every person I've had feelings for. But I won't because that would be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. "Sorry for secretly being in love with you and having unrealistic expectations of you that you could never live up to" yeah not gonna happen.

I'm also learning that "love" is a loose definition. For most of my life, I thought that love was something that only existed when reciprocated. But fuck that. Love is anything that I enjoy spending my time with. I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love listening to Beastie Boys. I also thought that if love isn't returned, it had to be painful. But you know what? Other than when this person is saying dumb stuff and pissing me off, this person makes me very happy. And I don't even know if they love me. And it's kind of irrelevant whether they do or not. So whatever, I'm happy and shit. Rawr!

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.

people i irrationally hate: christine magee

I try to not hate people who have not given me any physical reason to dislike them so immensely, but every now and then someone in the public eye irritates me to the point where a chance meeting with them would at the very most send me to prison and at the very least end up with a restraining order against me. Today's victim is Christine Magee, best known for being the face of Sleep Country.

I don't know exactly what it is about her that makes me fly into a rage that could rival Gordan Ramsay's (UGH I LOVE THAT MAN... but more on that at another time). Maybe it's that I'm jealous of her success as a woman in the business world? No, that can't be it.

Just kidding, I know exactly why I hate her! Because she's in every Sleep Country commercial, walking around and celebrating everything about her store like it's the best shit you've ever seen. What, you say that the Sleep Country delivery men wear booties over their shoes when carrying your new mattress into your home to prevent dirt from being dragged in? Wow Christine Magee, that is so novel! That's totally and completely worth mentioning in your commercials! Oh, but the thing that's got me guzzling the haterade on this woman the most is that not too long ago I heard a radio commercial where she was like, "We will price match ANY competitor! Even ones that are going out of business!" What a fucking heartless bitch.

I'm am publicly declaring that I will never, under no circumstances ever going to purchase from Sleep Country while she is still the spokesperson. And also while they still have that theme song that belongs in a 1970's sitcom somewhere, like what the fuck is that shit? "Why buy a mattress anywhere else?" Because I don't want to deal with fucking Christine Magee telling me that I'll save money if I mix and match my mattress and box spring before Tuesday night at 9. I know that you can't tell that they don't match once you put your sheets on, but you know what Christine Magee? I'll know, and that's all that matters.

girl talk!

So I haven't updated in a month. Which I feel bad about, but to those of you who check my blog daily in hopes of finding something new, I have to ask: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SUMMER?!

Anyway, a few days ago I found this little gem on youtube. GIRL TALK! Featuring a very young Sarah Michelle Gellar and Soleil Moon Frye (which has to be one of the stupidest names ever, I'm sorry. Just kidding, I'm not. Her name is really stupid and I won't apologize for that, her parents should). Anyway, it's from 1989, and it's pretty awful. But awful in a way that makes you want to see more. Unfortunately there was only one episode made. It bums me out that the theme song is way too long because I'd like to see more of the girls talking.

I also enjoyed the interview with the guy I had never heard of before. It's nice to know that he once existed.

But I think my favorite part is when they "talk" to the New Kids On The Block (I use that term loosely because you don't really see the girls in the same room with them)! Keep your ears peeled for when one of them says, "when people offer you drugs, if you don't want them, just say no". Solid advice.

It's such a shame that this only lasted one episode. I really would've liked to heard what Joey Lawrence would've had to have said.

douchebag teacher

Can we take a moment to get real about the shitty teachers we had in high school?

Ugh, so I only had one good math teacher in high school. The other two were pretty terrible. The first one we had wouldn't have been too bad but unfortunately she hated me. Like, one time when I wasn't there, she apparently was like, "Sarah shut up!" and my friends were like, "She's not even here...." ...bitch. The class average on the first test she gave us was something like 32%, and then she was like, "It's not my fault you guys suck, I taught you everything perfectly!" Really? It's not your fault that everyone in the class failed the test? Really? You must be right. Clearly we all decided to fail just to make you look bad.

And then we had the second teacher. She had just returned from maternity leave and used her child as an excuse to not teach us. I'm not even kidding, she'd leave at every chance she'd get to go and pick up her kid from day care. Looking back on it I realize I should probably be sympathetic because she clearly suffered from separation anxiety, but at the time I hated her for it and I still kind of do. If you wanted to ask her a question after class then good luck to you because she'd be the first one out the door. One time, I was writing a test during my lunch hour and she was like, "YOU HAVE TO FINISH CAUSE I WANT TO LEAVE TO GET MY KID." I wish I was kidding. But oh my God, the best thing ever was when our school went into lockdown, and she like, couldn't even wait for the school to be certified safe to leave. Really? Really.

This teacher has had at least one more child since I've been in high school. I hope she's not still teaching because now she has one or more reasons to bail on her teaching duties. And also, on behalf of the students in my class that year, I'd like to demand a public apology. Thanks to her shitty job at teaching, my parents had to pay for a math tutor JUST so that I wouldn't fail her class. That wasn't fun.

I get that teaching isn't for everyone, but I believe that if you're going to do it for your career, you have to give it 100%.

do the right thing

I can't watch animals suffer without trying to help, so if you're reading this, check out the horrors that are happening at the Guzoo Animal Farm in Three Hills, Alberta.

You can sign a petition to shut down the "zoo" here.

Thanks!

in the news: stupid people

So, in case you've been living under a rock, a huge earthquake shook up Japan this past Friday and resulted in a tsunami. They're expecting over 10 000 casualties. And this is more than a big deal. So you should all do something to help. I don't care how broke-ass poor you are, the Japanese need your $5 more than you do.

In Canada: Text "REDCROSS" to 30333 to make a $5 donation.

If you're one of my few and cherished American readers, Text "REDCROSS" to 90999 to make a $10 donation.

You may be wondering why the title of this post is "in the news: stupid people". Well, today I'm just about ready to give up on humanity. HERE'S WHY!

This morning I check www.perezhilton.com to read up on all of my Hollywood gossip, and I see he's made a post about this girl. I'm not going to say whether I agree or disagree with what this girl is saying, but did she really find it necessary to call out a specific group of people? Literally everyone that I know has had an experience with someone being too loud in a library, but not once have they ever pointed out a specific race as the target of their frustration. Instead of alienating Asians, couldn't she have said something like, "I find it really annoying when people are loud in libraries when I'm trying to study." Because I'm pretty sure that not only Asians abuse libraries.

Then I see that he's posted a video from God's little messenger. I don't even know what to say in response to that other than... "LOL WUT?" And you know what? I'm not even an atheist and I think she's ridiculous. People are entitled to be as religious or non religious as they want, but this girl is basically saying "I AM DELIGHTED THAT SO MANY PEOPLE DIED!" And that's pretty insensitive.

OH AND THEN! He gives stand up comedian Gilbert Gottfried some attention for posting tasteless jokes about Japan on his twitter. I get it, sometimes when we're struck by tragedy we don't know the right words to say, so we make an awful joke about the situation to try to ease the tension. I get the point of shock humor, but to make these jokes on a public forum such as twitter merely days after thousands of people have lost their lives? Not okay, Gilbert. If you simply must tell these kinds of jokes, maybe consider doing them in private so you don't offend the entire world next time? Yeah? Maybe? Please?

And Perez, WHY ARE YOU GIVING THESE PEOPLE ATTENTION?

Oh and you know what else is upsetting? The State of Georgia is hoping to pass a law that would allow women who have miscarriages to receive the DEATH PENALTY. Because, you know, miscarriages are just free abortions! Everyone who has one CLEARLY didn't want to be pregnant to begin with, right?

This is beyond frightening, people! It's 2011, and we're supposed to be progressing in order to achieve a happier and healthier world for our children. How are we expected to even have children if we can be punished by death for miscarrying? If everyone in the world was enrolled in the University of Creating A Better Future right now, I think we'd all be flunking.

I think everybody owes everybody an apology. I think we need to all take a long LUSH bubble bath and decompress. I think we all need to cool off and maybe have a good night's sleep. And when we wake up, let's have a group hug and help Japan rebuild itself. Let's solve one problem at a time and we'll all feel better.

I feel better already.

sign it

Everybody in Canada should have a look at this petition. And you know, sign it.

conspiracy!

You know what's right messed up? I have now gotten food poisoning TWICE in the past 2 months from seafood. And let's be clear here, I know in the past I've said that I'm an advocate for puking, but I should clarify that alcohol-induced vomiting is a lot more pleasant than food-induced vomiting. So what is going on with my body? I've narrowed it down to 3 theories:

1. Someone fucked up when preparing my food. This is probably the likeliest reason. It's probably just bad luck that it happened twice in such a short time frame.

2. I'm developing an allergy to seafood. Now I hope this isn't true because it would probably break my heart a little bit. I mean, chances are it's not true, because I have eaten plenty of seafood (even sushi!) in the time since the first incident to the second, and I've felt fine. And if I am allergic to seafood, I hope that it's specifically octopus. That shit's weird.

3. Someone is trying to kill me. A lot of people read this blog, I wouldn't be surprised if some people didn't have it out for me. But if this is true, how exciting for me! Maybe I should hire my own food tester and bodyguard! ... Except it would totally suck if my food tester and bodyguard were the people trying to kill me. That would happen, because my life is like that.

Either way, food poisoning totally sucks and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Even though my worst enemy is actually celery, which is a food... which could cause food poisoning... wow.

You know what? I think I'm just gonna go to bed now...

in the news

Sometimes, things happen in this world. Sometimes, these things get reported by the media. Sometimes, I feel passionate enough about these things to express my opinions about said things.

My beef today is with The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council for banning one of my dad songs, "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits for the threefold use of the word "faggot".

I'm not gay, and as far as I know, I will never be gay, so I don't know how much of a victory this is for the gay and lesbian community. I mean, I know and love a lot of gay people, and as far as I know, none of them have ever lost sleep over this song.

Here are the lyrics in question:

See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup

Yeah buddy that's his own hair

That little faggot got his own jet airplane

That little faggot he's a millionaire

Now, this song has been pumping in our household since as long as I can remember, and honestly, I've never once paid attention to these particular lyrics (it's way funner to sing "I WANT MY MTV!" anyway). So was completely banning it from radio play really necessary? Is it not possible to bleep out the expletives and go on with our daily lives? I mean, if this song came out in 2011, there's no way that it would've been released as a single and I doubt it would've been a big hit. But this song came out in 1985. Now, I was born after 1985 so I can't really say for sure, but I'm pretty certain that back then, political correctness wasn't a huge priority.

I'm sorry to say, but there is no such thing as a 100% politically correct person in this world. If you think that the word "faggot" (and every other slur, for that matter) is slowly disappearing, you are very much wrong. I hear slurs more often now than I did as a child, that's for sure. You can remove the n word from Mark Twain's Huck Finn, but that's not going to stop somebody from saying it.

This song is said to be reminiscent of Archie Bunker, a character from the 1970's hit TV Show All in the Family. So the fact that Dire Straits ONLY chose to use the word "faggot" is pretty amazing. The song is obviously based on a character. Characters are often based on real people. So does CBSC not believe that there are real people in the world who use the word "faggot" in reference to an effeminate man? Because there are. You've seen it happen, and so have I.

I mean, I think this song is old enough to be considered "Classic Rock". Taking this song away is probably going to anger more people than it offends.

I think what grinds my gears the most is that the decision to ban it was made after one, one complaint. Is that really all it takes to solve my problems with the music industry? Well hot damn! While we're banning things, let's get rid of Avril Lavigne because she incorrectly spells "Skater Boy". Let's get rid of Dallas Green because his music makes me want to commit suicide! And how could I forget! Let's ban the Beatles from the radio too because John Lennon was an atheist and Paul McCartney doesn't support the Seal Hunt! Oh the horror! Praise God that someone like me exists to think of the children!

But seriously CBSC, good job. By banning this song, you're making more room on radio set lists for Nickelback. Because if there's one thing we all need more of, it's Nickelback, so thanks!

mysteries of life: the hairdresser

So, I am hereby announcing the end of Dedication December. Things got too busy for me and I kind of fell out of the groove. But cry not dear friends, because I can now blog about other things!

Today I am going to talk about hairdressers. And the bizarre power they seem to hold over us.

I don't know about you, but every time I go to get my haircut, I generally have the same problem every time: I go in prepared to tell the hairdresser what I would like them to do with my hair, they nod in agreement and just do whatever the fuck they want to my hair anyway, and then I leave unsatisfied.

I don't get it! Is there some sort of Hairdressers Code that we don't know about? Is there a law clearly stating that hairdressers are allowed to veto their customer's suggestions in the Bill of Rights somewhere? Why don't more people know about this? Or do they simply relish the brief but important power they hold over us when we're sitting in their chair while they're holding scissors/razors near our necks?

Are they under the impression that we will despise the hairstyle that we asked for, throw a fit, knock some chairs over, and walk out refusing to pay? Because really, heaven forbid they give us what we asked for!

I'm not speaking to you in code, when I tell you the following, I mean exactly this:

-When I say I want blond highlights, I don't mean red highlights.

-When I say I want to trim the split ends, I don't mean take 6 inches off.

-When I say straighten it, I don't mean curl the ends out.

That's not to say that all hairdressers will ignore every single one of your requests... I have had a few lovely stylists that gave me exactly what I wanted. But sadly just a few...

I probably won't like you if:

So in case you don't know me in person, I have composed a list of things you absolutely should not do if and when you meet me. Treat this list like a Bible, and I will guarantee you that you will make a good first impression.

I probably won't like you the first time I meet you if you:

-eat celery.

-say "shedule" instead of "schedule".

-are a creeper at the bar.

-don't laugh at my hilarious jokes.

-discourage me from having a good time (aka tell me to stop drinking).

-tell me to stop drinking.

-tell me to be quiet.

-find bathroom humor offensive.

-are unattractive.

(just kidding, looks aren't everything)

-walk slowly.

-don't think my dad is awesome and hilarious.

-are difficult to understand.

-dislike Pokemon.

-dislike The Golden Girls.

-are Nicholas Cage.

-are a massive buzzkill.

-are a hipster.

-wear Ed Hardy.

-don't buy me alcohol.

-only talk about politics.

-tell me that Saturday Night Live isn't as good as it used to be.

-make some creepy sexual joke. Like um hi we just met.

-only talk about yourself.

-forget my name immediately after I give it to you.

-have a bad haircut.

-are a crying baby.

-smell bad.

-try to sell me something.

-give me your number when I didn't even ask for it.

-are smarter than me.

-are more attractive than me.

-do anything that I can easily be jealous of.

-crash into my car.

There are of course, many more things I could add to the list, but I think we'll stop here for tonight. And don't be too concerned if you don't make a good impression... I'm generally pretty good at giving people second chances.

top 5 deal breakers

Ladies, we all know what certain qualities to look for in a potential significant other. But more importantly, we all know what we're not looking for in a potential significant other. These qualities are known as deal breakers. Many people have the standard deal breakers, such as "I don't like a woman who flirts with other guys", or "I don't like a man who disrespects his mother". While those are very valid and important deal breakers, I tend to be a little bit more... selective with what turns me off of someone. So here are my personal top 5 deal breakers:

1. When I have to constantly explain things. It's always a buzzkill when I'm interested in someone, and they have no idea what I'm saying. I'll admit, sometimes I'm not very articulate, but I don't appreciate having to explain what certain words mean simply because they don't get it.

2. When they don't laugh at the things I laugh at. There is no possible way that I can spend my life with someone who doesn't think that 4 little people relay racing a camel isn't hilarious. I'M SORRY IF THAT MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR LAUGHING, BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL. And if you try and tell me that you didn't at least crack a smile, then you would be a liar.

3. They eat an obscene amount of celery. This may be the biggest deal breaker on my list. I understand that some people like eating celery, although I cannot fathom why. But all I ask is that they at the very least keep the celery consumption to a minimum while I'm around. Or better yet, only partake in it when I'm not around. It could be one of those secrets that couples keep from each other that makes their relationship stronger, like cross dressing and my dependency on alcohol.

4. They take everything too seriously. Basically, if I can't make someone laugh, I will immediately lose interest in them. There have been, of course, great exceptions to this.

5. They're addicted to Farmville/Mafia Wars/[insert game here]. There is just no competing with that.

the shitlist

We all knew that this was coming.

The Shitlist

1. Celery. Celery is possibly the most disgusting thing one could ever put into their bodies. Everything about it putrid... the way it tastes, the way it smells, the strings that stick out when other people (because I would never indulge in such a vile vegetable) eat it... ughhh. There's really no amount of cream cheese or peanut butter that you can put on your celery stick to make it appetizing. Nope.

2. Onions. I hate onions almost as much as I hate celery, but not quite as much. I can handle onions sometimes.

3. Mamma Mia! Just to clarify, I'm talking about the movie adaptation, not the musical itself. The musical is quite enjoyable, actually. If you ever get a chance to see it, I would recommend it. But the movie, oy. I am quite convinced that this movie was the most tragic event to ever happen to cinema. It seems that I am in the minority of holding this opinion, but I mean come on people, even Meryl Streep couldn't save this movie.

4. The Vancouver Canucks. I'm not sure if my beef is with the team itself, or their fan base. It's rare that I meet a Canucks fan that doesn't take my disdain for their team as a personal insult to them as a person. I'm definitely not saying that all of their fans are like that, but a lot of them are. Like, it was so bad last season that CBC did a story on the news about how unsportsmanlike their fans were. Not gonna lie, I'm nervous about writing this on the internet. I could be a target for their next hate crime.

5. Arnold from The Magic School Bus. Shut up, nobody else wants a normal field trip, so stop complaining.

6. Twilight. ARRRRRRGH there are like a million reasons to hate Twilight. Did it dawn on anyone that these books are based off of Stephenie Meyer's wet dreams? And that wouldn't be so bad if she didn't keep repeating the facts that Edward Cullen as "topaz eyes" and "marble skin" and a "velvet voice". And AND how about the fact that she goes on for pages and pages describing mundane things in detail, completely to the point where I get bored and pick up the closest Harry Potter book instead.

7. Having no money. This is pretty self explanatory.

8. When creepy old guys hit on you. Okay, so let me be the first to say that older men can be awesome. But when they're creepy, they're not so awesome. When I was 18 I worked the opening shift at a nearby convenience store, and everyday at 6:30 am this old guy would come in and validate lottery tickets. One day he told me that I had pretty hair. I was like, "oh, kay... thanks..." because it kind of came out of nowhere and something seemed malicious about it. Then the next day he asked me out! I was like, "um, no thanks..." and waited for him to leave the store so I could puke. Yeah, so not nice.

9. Construction zones. I don't know much about Construction Zones in most places, but the ones in Calgary drive me nuts. First of all, there's like, 2394823039209 different construction sites at any time in that city, and they're mostly really big sites that will take several years to finish. I generally don't mind slowing down during construction zones, but when I drive by and see all the workers sitting around doing nothing with their Tim Hortons coffees and donuts, I just lose it. Really?! REALLY!? MY tax dollars are funding YOUR donuts? Fuck off.

10. Bad music when you're sober. This is why I drink.