guest post: eddie vedder

The following post was written by Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder.

ERRRRRRRRRR RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MUUURURRRRRRRRR AHHHHHHHHH AHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR NOTHINGMAAAAAAAAAAAAN AAAAAAHHHHH YAAAAAAAYEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAA JEREMY SPOOOOOKE IN CLAAAAAASS TODAAAAAAAAAAAAY ERRRRRRRR RAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN WUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR.

Thank you Eddie. That was eloquent as always.

a sad realization

Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:

I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.

As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!

What I'm like when I'm sober:

Actual picture of me drunk:

Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.

Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah

1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.

2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.

3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.

4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.

5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."


It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".

But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3

my epic dream

You guys... YOU GUYS! I had the most amazing dream last night! Like you don't even know! First of all, I was dating a certain local celebrity (I won't specify because it's kind of embarassing!) and we were really happy and everything, except he was like, weirdly obsessed with anal sex and I refused to partake in that activity. And we had to go to couples therapy for it and it was really strange.

But then afterwards, we went to this awesome movie parade where all these actors were dressed up as characters from movies and they were just walking down the street. Elijah Wood was there as Frodo and as he passed me he looked at me and said hello. AND THEN I DIED OF LOVE!

Oh yeah, and you know what made the dream even better? Kevin James was my best friend.

You're probably reading this and feeling jealous of my dream life right now. That's okay, my real life is jealous of my dream life too.

who wore it better?

Who was the best at accessorizing with a kitten?

Stephen Harper

Michael Ignatieff

This is unrelated, but I found a picture of Jack Layton rocking out on what seems to be an airplane. That's pretty awesome.

And don't forget, on May 2nd you can head to the polls and vote for one of the above three (or others, depending on your riding) to become our Prime Minister!

blind people

When I was little, I used to think that blind people had no eyeballs, and that they wore sunglasses because they didn't want to scare people with their eyeball-socket faces.

Of course, in my adult life I realize that my childhood notion is completely ridiculous, but I can't help but wonder what Stevie Wonder's got going on under those shades.

wisdom teeth: in memoriam

Today marks a very important day in the history of me. One year ago today, I had my first surgery ever: wisdom teeth removal. It was a relatively simple process... I remember going in really hungry, and leaving the dentist's office really sleepy. I figured that I might never have something like this ever happen in my life again, so I took pictures of my first few days of recovery for nostalgia purposes.

This was the day of the surgery. I'm trying REALLY hard to smile in this picture... it was hard. ALSO I was very confused in this picture because the anesthetic was wearing off during my surgery so I started freaking out and this dental assistant kept telling me that I was doing really well and that when I have a baby the pain will not be as bad then as it is now?!? Pretty sure that's a lie. Now I want to have a baby just to see if she was right.

Day 2! Not even gonna bother smiling.

Day 3. My chin looks weird. But on the other hand, where is that shirt? I want to wear it today.

I think this was day 4. I must've gone out that day cause I made the effort to put on some eyeliner.

Is this day 5? I'm wearing the same shirt as day 4... but that wouldn't surprise me cause I'm kind of dirty sometimes. You can totally see the bruise on my face but... my hair has never been straighter. So... kudos me, this is a great picture!

So yeah... these are my post-wisdom teeth pictures. The only ones ever taken. Seriously, there haven't been any pictures of me taken since then. Weird right?

my dog is a creepy bitch

My oldest dog is starting to creep me out hardcore.

Just look at her, squinting like a suspicious character.

Sometimes I catch her peering around corners and shifting her eyes. I'm not making this up! She lurks in hallways, watching. Always watching. I wouldn't be surprised if she killed me one day.

Like last night, I was sleeping. Then I woke up for a minute, AND SHE WAS STARING AT ME! How did she get on my bed without me noticing? And then she just sat on bed, looking out the window and barking at nothing.

She's clearly planning something, and I've been a fool for not paying more attention to her odd behavior. But not anymore! I will get to the bottom of this, mark my words.

new blue toothbrush: a poem

New blue toothbrush.

A gift bestowed upon me by my hygienist at my last dentist appointment.

Emerging from a plastic bag with a cartoon tooth on it.

Responsible for meeting my oral needs.

Foreign stranger to my mouth,

I hope we will be better acquainted soon.

Such stiff, short bristles

cause pain and irritation to my receding gums.

So much that I dread the morning and the night

when it is necessary to use you.

It simply isn't fair!

Must you be so harsh?

Can't I just get away with merely flossing regularly instead?

I am doubtful that you will ever live up to your predecessor,

old green toothbrush.

Your bristles will never be as soft.

Your grip will never be as streamlined.

Brushing twice a day used to be an absolute joy.

And now I'd much rather have gingivitis.

Old green toothbrush,

come back to me!

New blue toothbrush,

get out!

You've already broken my heart.

Please don't also break my teeth.

nice gnoming you

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