attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

weight loss by sarah

Sorry team, I really dropped the ball on having a Halloween themed post this year. My bad, guys. HOWEVER! November 1st is a very important day for me because it marks the one year anniversary of starting a healthy healthier lifestyle. I really haven't talked publicly about my weight loss journey on my blog (mostly because I felt it would be kind of cliche...) but I feel like after a year of working hard, I should share my success and give tips to some of you who might be wondering how I exactly did it.

After one year, I have lost 40 pounds, and many inches off of various parts of my body (I'm too lazy to do the math, get off my back). Which is awkward sometimes, because it's extremely noticeable and people are always like, "oh my god, you look great" which is nice to hear and I appreciate the encouragement but I'm not good at taking compliments no matter what my weight is. ANYWAY. Enough about my success (I feel like I'm bragging), here are some of the things I did that I found really helped.

Get serious about it. If you're not motivated to lose weight, it will not happen. It's as simple as that. You have to approach it as a lifestyle change, not a temporary diet. You have to form new habits and break the destructive ones. There is no magic formula for losing weight and it truly is hard fucking work, and you have to be willing to do it.

Drink water. Like, gallons of it. This is something that every diet website/book will tell you. It's a no-brainer for weight loss. Drink as much water as you possibly can. Replace everything else you drink regularly (milk, juice, pop) with water. Also, cut back your alcohol intake. My own personal rule is to save drinking for weekends (like I could ever completely give that up). And avoid beer. Like seriously, if I have one beer, I magically gain 7 pounds over the night. Not sure how that happens but it does. Moral of the story: beer = bad for weight loss. Oh and also, double fisting is fine, as long as one of your fists has a glass of water in it.

Find a meal plan/technique/support system that works for you. Weight loss can be difficult to accomplish on your own. You definitely have to have discipline for yourself, but getting a little help from others definitely goes a long way. Some people find success with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, while some people are good enough with websites/apps that help count their calories. I'm not saying you HAVE to do these things, but if you think it will work for you, then go for it!

Make sensible choices when you go out. One thing that always frustrates me when I read weight loss articles is that the main gist of them is "Make your own healthy meals and exercise. It's that simple, LOL". At first I'm like, "thanks for wasting my time with advice that literally everybody already knows" and then I'm like, "how am I supposed to maintain my flourishing social life if I'm eating homemade meals every night?" The answer is that you're not! Trying to lose weight = never going out for dinner with your friends ever. The result is that you'll be thin but you'll also be lonely. Just kidding you guys. I SAID JUST KIDDING! If you find yourself out for dinner with friends, do not fret! Try to find the healthier items on the menu. You can probably switch your fries for a salad. If you're really worried about undoing all of your hard work, you can order an appetizer for your meal (I don't like doing this, going out for dinner is a treat, after all). Also, many Japanese restaurants will make your sushi with brown rice if you request it. It doesn't hurt to ask!

On a related note, make sure your friends know about your weight goals. One thing literally nobody tells you when you try to lose weight is that it can put some pressure on your relationships. You might find that some of your friends may press you to eat things you know you don't need (i.e. dessert).  Stay strong, amigo. Or ask to share theirs and take one bite of it and be like, "oh I'm sooooo full". 60% of the time it works every time.

Binges happen. Get over it. Every now and then you'll have a day where you indulge a little too much. Under no circumstances should you see this as an opportunity to fall back into old habits. Drink some water, get some rest and try again tomorrow.

Find the reason why you make poor eating choices. I'm talking specifically to emotional eaters. Is it stress, anger, sadness, etc? Once you've figured out why you eat badly, try to come up with some healthier ways to deal with those emotions. You don't have to share this information with anyone, but you have to be completely honest with yourself here.

Exercise. Okay. I have a lot to say about this one. Most importantly: It's okay to start slowly. I read somewhere that in order to lose weight, you have to do at least 45 minutes of intense cardio 5 or 6 times a week. That's probably true, but if going up one flight of stairs knocks the wind out of you, you're not gonna make it! So here's my own personal advice for starting an exercise regime (and I used to be like, the most inactive person ever):

• Start with something very simple and manageable such as going for walks a few times a week at night. Go for as long as whatever feels comfortable for you. Go at a brisk enough pace for you to get your heart rate going a little.
• Once you're pretty solid at walking, try doing some beginners yoga/strength training. I'm talking downward dogs, lunges, and pushups. I used the programs on my Wii Fit, but there are other exercise videos you can follow along with on the internet. I also find that many fitness magazines have step by step instructions on yoga poses/toning exercises.
• When you have some downtime, invite a friend and go to your nearest recreation centre to do some swimming or skating. Swimming and skating are my two favourite activities because they feel the least like actual work. I'm all about not doing actual work.
• Finally, when you feel like you can handle more intense workouts, consider joining a gym. Again, start slowly here. If you've never lifted weights before, ask a trainer to show you the proper form (I'm 100% serious, you can really hurt yourself if you do it wrong).

Now, I know that motivating yourself to exercise can be extremely difficult, but after a couple of weeks of doing it regularly, it starts to become part of your routine and getting yourself to the gym doesn't seem so tough anymore. Make sure you give yourself plenty of rest, and never work the same muscle group consecutively.

Plateauing is frustrating, but it's not a reason to give up. Ughhhh hitting a plateau is pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's only temporary, so keep going. I like to use a plateau as a reason to try something new, like take a dance class or something. Because why the fuck not?

Never starve yourself. Again, this is a no-brainer. Compare your body to a fire that needs a new log to be put on it every now and then. When you feel hungry, drink some water and find a healthy snack.

Listen to your body, but shut out the voice in your head. Do you ever come home from work and think, "I should workout, but I'm too tired"? If you do, don't believe yourself because THAT IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!  There is a fine line between needing to give your body a rest and just feeling lazy. That being said, it's okay to skip the gym if you're coughing up blood or shuking or feeling genuinely ill. Go see a doctor instead.

I think that's all the information I have to offer. So now it is time for my final reflection. One year and 40 pounds later, I know I still have a ways to go. But I've never been more determined in my life, and I'm completely confident that I'll be able to continue on this path towards a healthy and active lifestyle (ugh so cheesy I hate myself right now). Thanks to everyone in my personal life for all the love and support you've given me over the past year. I firmly believe that feeling good is looking good, and thanks to you, I've never looked better.

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.

cute hot handsome

So, this one time I was talking to this guy that I know and he was all confused cause this girl he liked said he was "cute" and he didn't know what that meant. I'm a good friend, so told him that she meant (SURPRISE!) that he's cute. Like duh! But I think he did not take it as a compliment (just FYI boys, if a girl says anything positive about you physically, it is a a very good thing!). So for his (ew I actually hope he never reads this) and for everyone else's benefit, I will distinguish the differences between cute, hot and handsome for all the fine gentlemen in this world.

Okay all you cutie boys, listen up! Being cute is not a bad thing at all. A girl who thinks you're cute really likes you. She's probably relatively comfortable around you, and she can bring you home to the parents knowing that they won't hate you. She likely thinks you're a little nerdy, but it's all good because she's maybe into the same things you are. And she probably thinks you're nice. Which sucks for you because that means she's more likely to be the one who ends things. HOWEVER! You are probably someone she can trust and that is awesome. And also, if a girl calls you cute, be aware that she may actually think you're hot, but she's just downplaying her feelings. A girl's gotta watch out for her feelings, y'know?

Now onto the hotties! A girl who thinks you're hot will feel similar to what I described above, but with a more intense sexual attraction. Hot guys spend a lot of time working out. Also a hot guy may be a bit of a jerk, which most girls will never admit to liking, but they do. One of the biggest downsides to being with a hot guy is dealing with all the other girls that throw themselves at him. So ladies have to be careful when dealing with a hottie. 

Holy fuck, I'm excited to describe what handsome is. Handsome is a weird mutant baby between Cute and Hot. He can be such an asshole, but he can also treat a lady right. Handsome is not something someone is generally born with, but it is strived for and earned. Most straight girls want a handsome guy. Handsome looks good in a suit, but he also looks good in a wife beater and sweat pants. Handsome has a good sense of humour. You'll genuinely laugh at his jokes but he won't go all standup comedian on you. Handsome is perfection.

I hope this guide has helped you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look at pictures of Jon Hamm...

An open letter from 21 year old sarah to 22 year old sarah

Dear 22 year old Sarah,

Hey. It's me, 21 year old Sarah. I know you don't exist yet, but in a few hours you will. And also in a few hours, I will exist no more. And that's okay. But before I become a mere memory of your youth, I have a few favors to ask of you.

1. Please stop wearing sweatpants in public. Like seriously. I mean, it's okay if you're working out or if you're hungover or just hanging out at home, but you're 22 now. You're not even in college anymore. It's just getting ridiculous.

2. Don't freak out over your career(s) or lack thereof. It's really no big d and if you want to go back to school eventually, that's cool, but if not, you're still young and have time to think about it!

3. Continue being babely. I've already set the groundwork for you. You just have to keep it up! Keep dropping the pounds and wearing those pants that make your ass look amazing. And for Christ's sake, take the fucking compliment when you're given one! You look awesome and it can only get better from here! Oh and also, if you think a babely babe might be flirting with you, you should definitely flirt back.

4. Grow your hair out, but don't dye it blond. The 20 year old version of us really screwed us over and bleached her hair, pretty much forcing me to have to get it all cut off. Please don't make that mistake again.

5. Take more trips. You need to go. Anywhere. Everywhere.

6. When you go to a store and don't see what you need, ask for help. Don't be so proud.

7. The awkwardness. Tone it down. One of these days that won't be so cute anymore. Stand your ground, get a grasp on what you need to say, and fucking say it.

8. Stop being so shy! If you wanna meet cool people, you're gonna have to stop being shy! Being a good listener will only get you so far.

9. Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't get pulled into the insanity cycle by making the same mistakes over and over. Some people don't deserve second chances and it's up to you to decide whether or not you should give them one. Choose wisely.

10. Continue to love yourself, and love those who love you. Don't treat your family like shit. Not that I necessarily did, but they will be your only lifeline on those days where you feel like you have nothing.

Overall 22 year old Sarah, I was good. I started off not so great, but then I got better, but then I sucked, but I turned it around at the end and it's all good! I know you will be better though. If you just keep at it, you'll have the best year you've ever had. I wish you all the best.

Love,
21 year old Sarah

happiness runs in a circular motion

Don't you find being depressed severely overrated?

I'm not gonna lie, last month I was absolutely miserable - and also a complete cliche. I'm sure you know how it goes; the crying every night, having no will whatsoever to get up in the morning, trying to live your life vicariously through movies about people who are awesome. Oh, and of course the hardest part of all this is trying to phrase a Facebook status that is a subtle cry for help without being all, "WAAAH MY LIFE SUCKS, FEEL SORRY FOR ME!"

But fuck it! That was last month and things are pretty awesome now! I started a new diet, and I've lost 10 pounds already! How sexy is that? I've actually started to rebuild my social life, so I don't get nearly as bored as I used to! And I even met a hot babe this month! I can't really go into much detail about that, but whatever, he was damn fine and a new crush is just what I need to get over an old one!

So basically, the moral of my story is that if you're not content with you're life, you're the only one who can change it. And you can change it quickly! Start asking people if they want to hang out, start eating healthier, and stop feeling sorry for yourself! It's exhausting and aging you terribly! You know who you are!

what to do when someone doesn't like you

Oh man, is there anything more upsetting than realizing that someone doesn't like you? It's never happened to me, but I hear it's quite momentarily devastating! It doesn't matter how you've come to the revelation to someone's disdain towards you; maybe you saw this person create an event on Facebook of which all of your mutual friends were invited to... and not you. Holy shit, Facebook is the worst for that. I mean, when you hosted events in real life you could always be like, "Oh I forgot your invitation at home..." or "It got lost in the mail..." but with Facebook there's really no believable excuse you can give someone when you've intentionally given them the shaft. But now I'm getting off topic.

At first you might panic. Especially if this person is someone you see and interact with everyday, such as a coworker or classmate. If it's a distant relative or someone you see less than once a year, my first piece of advice to you is don't sweat it. If they're out of sight, they are out of your mind. And really, they're not worthy of even being on your mind.

So back to the people you see everyday. How could they dislike you? You're awesome (because you're reading this, duh)! But for whatever reason, (most likely because they have a pointy stick up their asshole), they don't like you. You might feel inclined to examine what traits you have that irritates them, and try to correct them in order to appear more likable. DO NOT DO THIS! You will come off as a desperate tryhard, and I will personally lose all of my respect for you. Have you ever seen someone try really hard to make a good impression? Was it painful to watch? That's right, it was. You will look just like that person except worse, because you'd be making a bad impression even worse. So yeah, don't change yourself just to please some douchebag. Besides, a true friend would tell you what personality traits you need to work on, someone who dislikes you would not. Plus! If you ~*~stay true to urself~*~ there is a chance that they will learn to like you!

Now you're probably like, "Sar-ah! That's so cliche!" Yeah, I know, but it makes sense, right? But you have another option, and that is to give them a reason to dislike you. Now, here's where you can be creative! I have disliked people for a plethora of reasons; they're too nice, they're too shy, they're self-centered, they're overly religious... as you can see, there are many reasons to dislike someone, and not all of them are justified. But that's the way humans are! We can't always justify the way we feel. That's why you should just embrace the fact that you talk too much or that you're a huge Nickelback fan or whatever  and rub it in their stupid faces! They'll probably dislike you even more, but you're fresh out of fucks to give!

If all else fails, ignore them. They're not worth your time. Make it seem like you know something they don't. Sometimes you can't avoid them, so sadly you'll have to be pleasant and cordial even though you've probably fantasized about this great confrontation where you dramatically ask them to confess their reasons for hating you but you know what? You don't want to know. Chances are that you don't have a solid way to defend whatever quality you have that they don't like. You'll be like, "I'm only obnoxious because... um..." and it will be sadder than watching a puppy die. Well, maybe not that sad, but sad nonetheless.

And sometimes, there is a horrible circumstance in which the person who dislikes you is someone you have a crush on. It is so terrible even though I've never experienced it! The above advice still applies, but if you're feeling particularly jilted, photoshop is a great way to console yourself! You can just take a picture of that doucher and turn it into something like this:

Just post that baby on the internet anonymously and hurray! You've ruined their life! But I should warn you that doing this would not be "taking the high road". Good luck!

top 5 things to do when you're sad

Okay, so sometimes we get sad. Don't worry, that's a natural part of life! Fortunately, I have a few things that make me feel better when I get the blues and am willing to share them with you!

1. Troll Yahoo Answers

Some people ask a lot of dumb shit through yahoo answers, and it is awesome. Especially when you need something to help you smile.

2. Get cozy
I love getting all snuggled into my blankets when I'm upset. It's hard to feel sad when you're so warm and comfortable! Cool factoid about this picture: It's from Facebook. Yes that's right, Facebook photos are coming up on arbitrary google searches. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives...

3. Look at pictures of babely babes
Whenever I want to get my mind off of something unpleasant, I do a quick google image search of my favorite hotties. Works 9/10 times. I like to look at pictures of Zac Efron, but you can stalk whomever you want! It's really that easy!

4. Look at pictures of cute baby animals

Do I really have to explain this?

5. Take your feelings out on someone who doesn't deserve it in the slightest

I only recommend this one if you want to be a complete asshole. I'm not saying you should bully people, but it is possible to turn someone else's misery into your joy. That's all I'm saying.

how to not get a job

The biggest idiot ever came into my work today asking for a job. I though I'd share with you precisely what he did so that you can avoid his mistakes.

First of all, he looked like this:

Well, not really. Anyway. He came into our store asking if we had any job application forms he could fill out. My coworker was like, "No, do you have a resume?" And he was like, "I did but I gave them all away already." And she was like, "Well, print some more off and come back later to give us one."

That's a reasonable thing to say right? And you'd expect him to be like, "okay, thanks, I'll come back later." But instead of leaving he was like, "You guys run the place right?" And we didn't understand what he meant so we were like, "uhh sure?" Then he left and on his way out he was like, "This store is awesome, but your team sucks... JUST KIDDING" and we were like, "lol please leave." and then he did.

BUT THEN! He walked past our store with like, the loudest headphones ever. Like, I could hear his music clearly over the mall's music. Wtf weird guy!

Then my coworker was on her break and she went into the Safeway and saw him filling out an application form and swearing over how difficult it was. Ahahahahahahaha.

how to be a dignified poor student

I'm not gonna lie, being a student can be totally awesome, but it can also be the shits. And it's usually an unpleasant experience for some because money can be difficult to come by. But fear not! I have been there and survived it, and with my help you will survive it too.

1. Apply for scholarships/grants/anything. I didn't do this when I was in school, but I really wish that I had. They definitely cover most, if not all of the tuition cost so it's less of a stress on your life savings/your parents. Even if you think you don't have a chance at getting one, try for it anyway! You might have a chance!

2. Find a place to live. If you're not living in residence, that is. You're allowed to have standards, but don't aim too high! You'll probably need a room mate or two or three or twelve, but you gotta do whatever it takes to keep the rent paid!

3. Go to Costco with your parents. If you're lucky, you'll have European parents whose only major concern about you is what you'll be eating. I suggest you take a trip to Costco and buy large quantities of your favorite non perishable foods and house supplies. At first you might be like, "there's no way I need 1000 rolls of toilet paper", but you'd be wrong!

4. Accept free things. You should never have to buy things like condoms. Learn which places are having promotions; sometimes McDonald's gives away coffee for free! So if you live near 3 different McDonald's locations, that's 3 free coffees! You know this advice is golden, so take it.

5. Learn to like beer. This doesn't mean you can't splurge on your favorite merlot every now and then, but when you're at the bar with your class mates after (or before) class, save a few bucks and get the beer that's on special. You're not going to drink today? Drink water.

6. Bring your student ID with you everywhere. There are so many places that will give you a discount on stuff if you can prove that you're a student! Including public transportation. Ask everywhere if they offer student discounts. Who cares if it makes you sound cheap? You can also get a SPC (Student Price Card) which entitles you to discounts from many places! BMO sent me one for free last summer and it's good until July!

7. Visit home often. I cannot stress how important this one is! Come home all the time. Like every weekend maybe. And visit your family lots, because if your family is awesome like mine, they'll subtly slip you hundred dollar bills when nobody else is looking! And always be like, "Man, I wish I could afford some new jeans." Because there's a chance that your mom will take you shopping! Don't be afraid to see how much your parents are willing to pay for! You'll pay them back when you're a successful whatever-you're-studying-to-be!

8. Use holidays to your advantage. Take the stress out of shopping for your family and friends and just be upfront about what you want for Christmas/your birthday/Valentine's Day/Easter/whatever holiday. You want money. And only money. If you sense that they're uncomfortable with giving you money, ask for gift cards instead. That's another thing, accept gift cards to everywhere. It's better than spending your own money. Even if you think you'll never in a million years need a gift card to a certain place, hang on it, because it might just save your life.

I hope these tips help you out. Being poor sucks, but like anything, with enough practice you'll learn to be great at it!

beauty tips! with sarah

So... I'm not really down for telling people what products to buy, but since I have nothing else of significance to discuss in my blog these days, and also because some of my friends want to know how I manage to look like a total babe all the time, I thought I'd share my daily beauty routines with the world. Keep in mind that I'm always switching up the products I use because well... I get bored and I'm always wondering if something else will work better for me. But these are what I'm using lately:

If I'm not showering in the morning (I on average shower every 2nd day), I start off with using Clean & Clear Morning Burst. It makes my skin feel clean and I like it. Oh, and if I am showering that day, I start my skin routine after I get out of the shower.
Then I apply some of LUSH's Skin Drink. I find that as a moisturizer, it's a bit heavy for my skin type, but it's a good moisturizer to use for transitioning when you've moved somewhere with a different climate. Next time I'll get something lighter, but this works for me right meow. And after I've moisturized my face, I put some Vaseline (not pictured, because everyone should have Vaseline in their homes in my world) on my lips to help them feel moisturized and to keep them from getting chapped. Some people think that's weird, but they can get over it. It works. You are now ready to apply your makeup, if you're going to wear any. I'm not gonna recommend certain brands though.
At night time, I quickly wipe my face with some of Clean & Clear's Deep Cleaning Astringent to get rid of dirt, makeup (but not so much eye makeup), or any oily buildups on my face. Then I put on some more Vaseline and hop into bed!
This is the shampoo and conditioner I use. Out of all the other types I've tried, Herbal Essences' Hello Hydration works the best at preventing tangles and keeping my hair from drying out. That's saying a lot because I currently have coloured hair. I've used brands that were specially formulated for dyed hair and they didn't work half as good as this one does.

Once I'm out of the shower, I put a little bit of Fructis' Sleek and Shine in my hair, just to keep the frizz down. It also comes in a gel, but I prefer the cream.

Okay... secret time: My hair isn't naturally curly. But it is wavy, and I can totally fool you by spraying in a little bit of Fructis' Curls & Shine! All you do is spray it into your hair, and scrunch it up as desired. Some days I do this, some days I don't.

Back to showering... this is what I'm currently using as shower gel. LUSH's Iced Wine Shower Jelly is really fun and it smells great. I'm pretty sure it's only available seasonally though, but LUSH has some other great shower jellies you can use all year.

Last but certainly not least, I slather on some of LUSH's Vanilla Dee-Lite onto my skin to keep my skin feeling moisturized and smelling good. It might just be my favorite LUSH product ever made.

A side note about certain LUSH products: LUSH is a company that takes pride in leaving a small ecological footprint, and they encourage their customers to do the same. If you bring back 5 black pots (ie. the containers that the moisturizers and shower jellies come in), you will receive a free facial mask! Just another reason why I love LUSH!

Well this was a nice way to kill an hour. I hope this entry vaguely piqued your interest. I feel like Brenda Dickson right now.

loveline

Oh my God, Loveline. I may be obsessed. In case you don't know what Loveline is (and in that case, you are sadly missing out), it's a call-in radio show based in LA hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky (meow!) and currently co-hosted by Mike Catherwood aka Psycho Mike. And by some form of miracle, it's syndicated live to an alternative radio station in my hometown every Sunday-Thursday at 11 pm. That may or may not be enough proof to convince me that there is a God.

At first I listened to Loveline as a sleep aid. And for that reason, I can only listen to the show while I'm in bed reading or on my laptop. I hate listening to it in other places like my car. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I'll seriously haul ass home so I can get home in time for Loveline.

I don't even know why I like it so much! But some guy can call in and be like, "my penis fell off! What should I do?" and even though I will probably never, ever have that happen to me, I still have to know what I should do. And sometimes they get celebrity guests who are really funny and awesome, like Seth MacFarlane comes in sometimes and does Family Guy character voices and answers the question "Does the rest of the family understand the baby?" 40 times per night.

I can only hope that one day, not too long from now, I can become famous enough to be asked to be a guest on Loveline. And only then I will be able to see "The Stinky Pinky Song" performed live. It's nice to have dreams.

So Loveline, I salute you. May you continue to answer North America's sexual questions for many more years to come. And if you're interested in calling into Loveline, the number is 1-800-LOVE-191. I didn't look that up, I have it memorized. That's how obsessed I am.

growing up in the 90's

Life wasn't always easy for us 90's kids. We had to deal with the sadness of Full House ending. We were there when Kurt Cobain killed himself. We also felt the pain when Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls. But what plagued our childhoods the most was a very simple, but hard hitting question -

Which starter pokemon do I pick?

"NO!" My mother would cry, "You are too young to be making these kinds of decisions! Whatever you choose will affect you for the rest of your life!"

Haunting words indeed. It's a shame that they weren't actually said. But that didn't make the choice any easier to make. Fortunately, I am here to solve the 15 year debate.

Now opening the case of Bulbasaur vs. Charmander vs. Squirtle.

First of all, Bulbasaur is eliminated from the equation. Bulbasaur is good at getting the player started, but is not a very good choice for the long run. I mean, it eventually evolves into Venusaur, and what's so great about it? It's a herbivore dinosaur with a flower on it's back. Oooh, I'm so scared! So yeah, don't pick Bulbasaur. Babies pick Bulbasaur.

So that really only leaves Squirtle and Charmander. Both of them are very good choices, but Charmander has a tiny edge over Squirtle. I mean, Squirtle is probably the best pokemon to get you through the game, but Charmander has more power. I think this is because Charmander struggles with the first couple of gym leaders in the game, therefore causing it to become super powerful later.

Let's think back to our school days. The debates would end immediately after someone said, "I have a Charizard." Believe me, you do not want to mess with a fire breathing dragon. And when it comes to the Elite Four, it was the best if Charizard was on your side. It gave you a much smaller chance of a struggle.

If you're still not convinced, think of it this way; how many other strong Fire-type Pokemon do you encounter in the game? Not many...

If you're ever playing the original games and wondering which starter to pick, think back to this post and... I know you'll make the right choice.

Yep, I just blogged about Pokemon.

merry christmas from widows on the dock

Oh hey, it's almost Christmas. Maybe I should acknowledge that.

My gift to you this year is a helpful list of things you can do to turn your "holiday" into a "loliday":

-drink alcohol

-buy shit for other people

-make your guests sit down and watch your favorite movie when they come over

-feed the dog alcohol

-feed the baby alcohol

-record yourself smoking salvia and put it on youtube for all your friends to see! :)

-tell people what you really think of them

-punch your mother in law in the face

-reminisce with your friends about the time you all went to this sick night club on Elbow Drive, and get violently angry when they tell you that there is no such night club on Elbow Drive, and that you must've dreamed it

-kiss everybody

-football tackle the christmas tree

-get really offended when someone says "happy holidays"

-scream randomly

-get 'a wonderful christmas time' by paul mccartney stuck in everybody's heads. THEY WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR IT

-steal some bread. if you get caught, tell people that you're gonna give it to some starving children like a motherfucking modern day jean val jean

-go to the extreme with your emotions

If you try just one or all of these things, you should be LOLing in no time!

Merry Christmas everyone!

having a crush on a teacher and how to deal with it

So, it's finally happened. You have a crush on your teacher. You're not sure what exactly set it off. Maybe it was the day they wore contacts instead of glasses and you saw their eyes for the first time. Perhaps it was the pat on the back they gave you when you aced their test. It might have even been the time they were taking off their sweater and their t-shirt underneath rode up and you saw their stomach. Whatever it was, you're in deep and whenever they say something to you, you blush and giggle like a school girl and bang your head on the locker in shame afterwards.

Fun fact about this photo:

I googled "hot male teacher" and this was the best picture that came up.

Google has failed me.

I mean, this guy isn't bad, but I had some pretty high expectations.

Well my friends, I'm here to help. My first helpful tidbit of advice is to remove any shame and embarrassment that you may be feeling. And to congratulate yourself. I mean, admitting that you have a crush on a teacher is basically like admitting that you see that person as a regular human being, and not simply just a figure of authority. I mean, this lucky object of your affection is just a regular human being after all. A human being with needs. Sexual needs. So good for you for rising above your peers and recognizing that!

And I'm not gonna lie, people will judge you for this. But as they say on the internet, "Haters gonna hate". I figure that these people are only bestowing judgment upon you to hide their own shame. You know how gay kids get bullied by closeted gay kids? It's exactly like that. They just simply have a lot of feelings and they don't know how to deal with them yet. And anyone who claims to have never had a crush on a teacher before is a liar. Simple as that.

Anyway, back to the actual teacher themselves. Now you probably don't know how to act around them! You have two basic options: 1. Owning it, and 2. Pretending it doesn't exist.

1. Owning It. This is the route I'm more likely to take. Sure, it can be risky and vulnerable, but the trick is to exude so much confidence so it seems that this shit doesn't phase you. Seriously. Be so cool about it that it even makes the teacher feel insecure.

2. Pretending It Doesn't Exist. It's the safer choice, but it's also pretty boring. Besides, you're more likely to blush and giggle at everything and you'll just give yourself away anyway.

And so, you finally graduate and this teacher is now fair game (if you haven't somehow managed to get them fired)! The question is: Do you make a move? Well, that is entirely up to you, but I would recommend waiting a few months while staying in touch. That way, the teacher-student relationship can wear off and you can start a new relationship as friends. With or without benefits. Whatever, I don't care. I can't tell you how to run your life.

Oh, and P.S. - you should maybe consider that you are probably not the first student that has had feelings for this teacher. They may or may not get this kind of thing all the time. So... be careful about that.

sarah's hangover cures!

Studies show that the best way to avoid a hangover is by not getting one. I will pause for your laughter now. Anyway, people always ask me, "SAR-AH! How can you drink so excessively and not feel it the next day?" The truth? Years upon years of building up a tolerance. But every now and then I have one shot too many and it makes the next morning feel like the Apocalypse is near. I have my way of dealing with it, and since I am benevolent, I will share it with you.

1. Sleep. This is very important to the hangover curing process because sometimes you can be fortunate enough to sleep through the whole hangover and wake up feeling well rested and ready to party again. Seriously. Sometimes I get absolutely wasted out of my mind and fall asleep for 36 hours. But the important part is that I wake up feeling great!

2. Gatorade. I don't know what it is about this stuff, but it works. Everyone has a different flavor that works for them, but I like the blue and the red kinds the best. Sometimes purple. For the extreme party animal, I recommend a trip to Costco and buying a whole flat of Gatorade so you can have it on hand, just in case.

3. Fast Food. Your stomach will thank you for putting food inside of it. Unless you puke, in which case it's saying "fuck you". If you're feeling up to it, you should run to the nearest fast food restaurant and dig in. I took a random poll among my friends, and some of their favorite places include:

-McDonald's

-Tim Hortons

-Subway

-Pho

And I can personally vouch for all of these places.

4. Pop some Advil. Chances are you've got a pretty big headache. Well, take something for it.

5. If all else fails, make yourself throw up. If absolutely NOTHING else is helping you escape the horror of these feelings, then I guess you're gonna have to go bulimia style on yourself. I wish I could personally say that I've never resorted to it, but it has saved my ass quite a few times. It's okay, I won't judge you for it. Also, if possible, try to attempt this the night before while you are still drunk. It just... works better that way. I promise.