leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

biggest career goal

People often ask me, "Sar-ah, what's your biggest dream as an actor?" Most people would say something like, "to write, direct and star in my own film" or "to work with Meryl Streep or Johnny Depp". While those would be great things to do, my biggest dream is to star in a raucous (FYI I love things that are described as "raucous") teen comedy where every character wants to lose their virginity by the end of high school.

Just like American Pie, only it would be better cause I'd be in it! I'm not sure what the plot of American Pie a la Sarah (ahaaaaaaaa see what I did there!?), would entail. Maybe it'd be like She's All That where I play a nerdy but secretly hot girl and this mega babe of a boy (Zac Efron possibly?!) plays this guy who makes a bet with his friends to turn me into a total smokeshow by pretending to be interested in me! And then right before the prom I discover his disgusting motives and decide to have nothing to do with him. But then, oh no! He's fallen in love with me and has to win me back! Insert a scene of Zac Efron emotionally apologizing to me for what he did in front of the whole school at prom and then BAM! A lackluster sex scene, followed by us going our separate ways to college. Oh yeah, we can also add a bitchy cheerleader who hates me because Zac Efron was dating her before he decided that I was better.

Or you know what? Maybe I'm just this normal girl who has a crush on the captain of the football team (again Zac Efron), and I spend all of senior year trying to get him to ask me to prom, and then he does! omg! But right after prom I find out that he's a total jerk who only asked me cause he felt sorry for me or he was trying to hide the fact that he's gay or some bullshit like that, and then I discover that I'm really in love with my best friend who lives next door (played by Elijah Wood... he can still pass for high school age, right?) who has conveniently for me been in love with me ever since he met me! Ahhhh this movie rocks!

Either one of these two scenarios would be fine for me! I'll definitely let you know when production on these projects start!

help sarah go to vancouver on may long!

Here's the deal:

It looks like I'm going to have all of May Long Weekend off from work. I didn't even ask for it off, so this just may be a sign from Jesus. I've been wanting to visit Vancouver pretty much since I left in December, and this might be a perfect time to go! The only problem is that I need to come up with money, and fast. So here's where you come in! DON'T LET ME SPEND MY MONEY! Especially on things I don't need. There are of course, other expenses in my life right now that I absolutely cannot get around... but things like coffee, lunch at the food court, etc... I can live without it.

That's pretty much all you can do... unless you wanted to pay for my trip... that'd be pretty awesome.

Much love,

Sarah

UPDATE:

So... by some miracle I had enough space on my credit card to book these flights... SO THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING PEOPLE!

I still love you,

Sarah

loveline

Oh my God, Loveline. I may be obsessed. In case you don't know what Loveline is (and in that case, you are sadly missing out), it's a call-in radio show based in LA hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky (meow!) and currently co-hosted by Mike Catherwood aka Psycho Mike. And by some form of miracle, it's syndicated live to an alternative radio station in my hometown every Sunday-Thursday at 11 pm. That may or may not be enough proof to convince me that there is a God.

At first I listened to Loveline as a sleep aid. And for that reason, I can only listen to the show while I'm in bed reading or on my laptop. I hate listening to it in other places like my car. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I'll seriously haul ass home so I can get home in time for Loveline.

I don't even know why I like it so much! But some guy can call in and be like, "my penis fell off! What should I do?" and even though I will probably never, ever have that happen to me, I still have to know what I should do. And sometimes they get celebrity guests who are really funny and awesome, like Seth MacFarlane comes in sometimes and does Family Guy character voices and answers the question "Does the rest of the family understand the baby?" 40 times per night.

I can only hope that one day, not too long from now, I can become famous enough to be asked to be a guest on Loveline. And only then I will be able to see "The Stinky Pinky Song" performed live. It's nice to have dreams.

So Loveline, I salute you. May you continue to answer North America's sexual questions for many more years to come. And if you're interested in calling into Loveline, the number is 1-800-LOVE-191. I didn't look that up, I have it memorized. That's how obsessed I am.

my baby!

It's really no secret that it's one of my dreams to own a teacup pig one day.

What can I say? Some people dream about getting married and having kids, but I dream about owning a pig.

I don't think you understand; this pig will be my child. I will wake up at all hours through the night and sit on a rocking chair with it when it's upset and can't sleep. I will bottle feed it as a baby (only because breast feeding wouldn't be possible), and scoop its litter box everyday (bet you didn't know that pigs can be taught to use a litter box!).

You know what else I'll do? Get it professionally photographed every chance I get. I'll make it wear cute costumes every Halloween. Costumes like "the piggy that went to the market" and "Babe" from the movie Babe. I'm pretty much crying and shaking now, because I'm so excited.

I will lie on the couch and pig out (ha!) and watch chick flicks with it when it gets its heart broken for the first time. I'm gonna be the best freakin parent ever! And maybe, if I'm lucky, it'll give me grandpiglets one day! Then we can all live together in my giant house forever like an Italian family.

sometimes

Sometimes I wanna be a bad girl. I mean, I've been a pretty good girl and followed all the rules for my whole life... basically. Is it so bad that I fantasize about having a cocaine addiction and taking topless photos of myself and posting them on the internet? But then I'm like, "Hmm, I can't really afford another addiction." And then I remember that Playboy would pay me big money for taking topless photos, so I'll just wait until I get that offer.

super powers

I think it's a safe assumption to say that everyone wants to be able to fly or to become invisible. But those are pretty generic. If I could have a superpower, I would want the ability to freeze time. Here's why!

-So getting up at 7:00 in the morning everyday sucks, right? So what if you could freeze time at 7:00 and just go back to bed for however long you want! Then when you're well rested enough, you can get up and go about your day without the horrible feeling of fatigue! HURRAY!

-You know when you're cuddling with someone, and they're like, "I wish we could stay like this forever!" WELL NOW YOU CAN!

-So you're writing a test that you didn't study for. You're totally screwed, right? WRONG! You can freeze time, take out your textbook, copy the correct answers, and hand in your test all within one minute.

-Say you're an actor and you're at an audition and you totally bombed your first take. You could freeze time and erase your take from the camera, unfreeze time, and ask for a second take. And then the casting team is watching the audition tapes afterward, they won't remember your horrible blunder because it was erased from existence! YAAAAY!

Fuck yeah. Freezing time would be so badass. Would you still rather be able to fly or turn invisible NOW?