If you're a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist, or have any other kind of career that requires you to be super smart, you may have figured out that I'm a hockey fan. Now I'm not gonna say that I'm this HUGE fan that knows all these statistics and let's be real, I can barely calculate a percentage, let alone a save percentage (FACT: math makes me cry), but I enjoy watching the game in my free time.
Let's get a little more specific. I'm primarily a Calgary Flames fan. This is probably due to the fact that I was born and raised in Calgary. These things happen. With the regular NHL season ending this week, I thought that I would "review" the Flames 2013 season without discussing actual hockey.
I'm going to go a little off track and discuss food. Some amazing creations were invented at the Saddledome this year:
This is the ever popular "Hawaiian Shaved Ice Cream". If you've ever been to Hawaii, it's basically a snowcone with a scoop of ice cream. At the Saddledome, they have a shaved ice stand, as well as ice cream stands, but no stand that mixes them together for you. You have not lived until you've combined the two.
This is the slightly not as popular "Nachcorn". Basically you put some popcorn into the cheese portion of your nachos for a savoury delight.
Another cool thing that happened this year was that I found this couch! One of the Seven Wonders of the Saddledome:
Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that there are Seven Wonders of the Saddledome! Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Dutton's Pub
2. The East Entrance
3. The Magical Elevator of Love
4. That Couch (pictured above)
5. The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics
6. Press Level
7. Jay Feaster's Giant Bag of Popcorn
If you want to get the most out of your Calgary Flames experience, I suggest you become familiar with these Seven Wonders. They have been the cause of so many great inside jokes.
What else happened this year? Oh yeah, I rode The Magical Elevator of Love with Peter Maher and told him that I was gonna get drunk...I'm so awkward!
One thing that was actually really cool about this year was that I went to a Flames season ticket holder party with one of my best friends, Holly. Hands down, the best thing about that party were the chicken wings they served. Like, I know that makes it sound like the party was lame, but it wasn't. The chicken wings were just that good. I'm still regretting not putting more in my purse for later. Or asking for the recipe. Cause god damn, those were amazing. Anyway. The party was bumping. Holly and I were having a good time making fun of the dumb people we know and secretly hoping that Ken King would appear in a tuxedo wearing a monocle at any moment, when lo and behold, he did (although sadly not as well dressed as we imagined). Then the party mysteriously turned into a press conference where a lot of intense questions were asked, such as "Is Jarome Iginla getting traded?" (we were told no. Funny, right?) and "Did Mike Cammalleri get to keep the puck from the game where he scored a hat trick the other night?" (seriously lady, your question was dumb and that's why I'm making fun of you right now.) And then the scariest moment of all happened: A little boy shyly walked up to Ken King and KEN KING TOUSLED THE BOY'S HAIR. Hands down the most cringeworthy moment of the year for me, and I was at the game where the Oilers beat us 8-2... I'm just... not a fan of tousling hair. It creeps me out.
Stalker photo provided by Holly
I would also like to declare the Flames 2013 season "The Year of the Selfies".
2013 will also be the year Holly and I saw a bird flying through the Saddledome. Not sure how it got there, and we only saw it at that one particular game, but we affectionately named it "Bird" as it stole our hearts that night.
There was also a streaker. I need not say more about that.
This year, we lost Jarome Iginla. That was sad. But after the game Holly and I met up with Nikki and we watched Clueless. That was enjoyable. We also lost Jay Bouwmeester. I felt no emotion towards that. Then we lost Blake Comeau. That's been the hardest trade to deal with (no it hasn't).
This is also maybe worth mentioning:
Not sure what this means
I don't know about you guys, but I had a very successful Flames season. We may not be winning the Stanley Cup this year (no guys we are definitely not winning the Stanley Cup this year), but rest assured that change is coming and be hopeful for next year. Remember: Anything Could Happen.
Just FYI: This song sounds amazing when you sing it in The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics.
Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:
I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.
As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!
What I'm like when I'm sober:
Actual picture of me drunk:
Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.
Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah
1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.
2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.
3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.
4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.
5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."
It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".
But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3
You guys... YOU GUYS! I had the most amazing dream last night! Like you don't even know! First of all, I was dating a certain local celebrity (I won't specify because it's kind of embarassing!) and we were really happy and everything, except he was like, weirdly obsessed with anal sex and I refused to partake in that activity. And we had to go to couples therapy for it and it was really strange.
But then afterwards, we went to this awesome movie parade where all these actors were dressed up as characters from movies and they were just walking down the street. Elijah Wood was there as Frodo and as he passed me he looked at me and said hello. AND THEN I DIED OF LOVE!
Oh yeah, and you know what made the dream even better? Kevin James was my best friend.
You're probably reading this and feeling jealous of my dream life right now. That's okay, my real life is jealous of my dream life too.
So I haven't updated in a month. Which I feel bad about, but to those of you who check my blog daily in hopes of finding something new, I have to ask: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SUMMER?!
Anyway, a few days ago I found this little gem on youtube. GIRL TALK! Featuring a very young Sarah Michelle Gellar and Soleil Moon Frye (which has to be one of the stupidest names ever, I'm sorry. Just kidding, I'm not. Her name is really stupid and I won't apologize for that, her parents should). Anyway, it's from 1989, and it's pretty awful. But awful in a way that makes you want to see more. Unfortunately there was only one episode made. It bums me out that the theme song is way too long because I'd like to see more of the girls talking.
I also enjoyed the interview with the guy I had never heard of before. It's nice to know that he once existed.
But I think my favorite part is when they "talk" to the New Kids On The Block (I use that term loosely because you don't really see the girls in the same room with them)! Keep your ears peeled for when one of them says, "when people offer you drugs, if you don't want them, just say no". Solid advice.
It's such a shame that this only lasted one episode. I really would've liked to heard what Joey Lawrence would've had to have said.
I'm kind of sorry I haven't written in like a billion years. But I've been busy! And I really did try to write, I swear! I wrote this whole novel on why I don't like Glee, but then blogger decided to puke its brains out so... that was a drag. It was really the biggest FailFest the world has ever known.
ANYWAY! Some really cool things happened in my life this month! So here's a perfect opportunity for me to brag about my life and make you feel jealous! JK, my life isn't that great.
1, I got an e-reader! It's a Sony and it's pretty fantastic. And 2, I got to use it in public at the airport! Holy shit, you have no idea how long I wanted to use my e-reader in public. The feeling I had was indescribable... kind of like when you bring your laptop to someplace that isn't school for the first time, but 10 times better. Fuck yeah reading in public.
3, I went to Vancouver and saw all my friends! Well, not all of them, but a lot of them! Adam DiMarco wrote a scathing review of my visit and I shall be posting it soon (maybe).
And 5, I GOT A NEW BIKE! I seriously forgot how much fun bike riding is. Like, at first I hated it and regretted getting a bike immediately because it kind of felt like anal rape, but like any new sexual experience, I've learned to enjoy it!
So yeah... that's been my life lately. Hopefully next month I'll go back to posting top 5's and biggest buzzkill awards!
Okay, so I know I haven't been so great at posting this month. I'm afraid that my relationship with Writing has become strained. So I've been hanging out with Reading a lot lately.
My favorite teacher at Mount Royal University told us that Reading was the easiest way to get better at Writing. I think that's the wisest piece of writing advice I've ever heard. Reading is the perfect boyfriend. Reading doesn't care what you weigh, what you look like, what friends you're going out with tonight. Reading doesn't pressure you to do him, and you can do him virtually whenever you want. Reading is always there for you when you need him.
But then there's Writing.
Writing is very rough around the edges. Writing demands your full attention. Writing is judgmental and if you don't do him carefully, you could get into a lot of trouble. Writing expects you to make time to do him, because if you don't, you may not get to do him for a very long time. And if you don't do it up to his standards, he makes you feel badly about yourself.
But when Writing is good, is it ever good. It's like that semi-abusive relationship that everyone finds themselves in at least once in their lives. It's perfect in the beginning; you feel great, maybe even successful! But then things start going downhill. Not drastically, but maybe he starts humiliating you in front of your friends at a fancy dinner party? Maybe he constantly insults your closest friends. But you justify that behavior because you love him and he's just been stressed out at work lately. Eventually things get so bad that you decide to move in with your parents for a while so you can re-evaluate the relationship in peace. Then Writing shows up at 2 am drunk out of his mind threatening you to come back into his life. Your father grabs a shotgun and goes outside to scare him off while your mother tells you and your siblings to hide in the basement while she calls the cops. Yeah, that's Writing, and we've all been there.
This is unrelated, but I found a picture of Jack Layton rocking out on what seems to be an airplane. That's pretty awesome.
And don't forget, on May 2nd you can head to the polls and vote for one of the above three (or others, depending on your riding) to become our Prime Minister!
When I was little, I used to think that blind people had no eyeballs, and that they wore sunglasses because they didn't want to scare people with their eyeball-socket faces.
Of course, in my adult life I realize that my childhood notion is completely ridiculous, but I can't help but wonder what Stevie Wonder's got going on under those shades.
Holy smokes you guys! In less than 24 hours my last post got 34 hits! That's like, 32 more hits than I expected it would get! So, either you guys really approve of my new crush, or someone got really jealous and stalked that post all night. Not gonna lie, I kind of hope it's the latter, because that was my intention the whole time. If that's the case, Dear Stephen, you might be in danger, my bad. Love Sarah.
One of the worst things ever happened today. I was putting on eyeliner, and I dropped it into my sink with the lid off of it so there were some black spots in my sink. So I grabbed some tissues and got them a little wet, and tried to wipe the spots off of my sink only to find that it was just smudging and becoming an even bigger mess. So now I have big black smears in my sink and I don't know what to do about it. Like, I know I could get some bathroom cleaner or something, but if my parents catch me finding cleaning supplies, they might die of shock. I don't want that on my conscience guys! But for now this story has a happy ending... I threw out the rest of the eyeliner, but then I found two new eyeliners in one of my drawers! Buzz!
Then I went to Chapters with my friend Nikki. I kind of want to buy an e-reader. And when I say kind of, I really mean I definitely want to. But I don't have a job so it's not a sensible purchase right now. And like, which e-reader is the best? Should I just get an iPad? Should I buy every Apple product ever released? I have so many questions regarding this matter!
My oldest dog is starting to creep me out hardcore.
Just look at her, squinting like a suspicious character.
Sometimes I catch her peering around corners and shifting her eyes. I'm not making this up! She lurks in hallways, watching. Always watching. I wouldn't be surprised if she killed me one day.
Like last night, I was sleeping. Then I woke up for a minute, AND SHE WAS STARING AT ME! How did she get on my bed without me noticing? And then she just sat on bed, looking out the window and barking at nothing.
She's clearly planning something, and I've been a fool for not paying more attention to her odd behavior. But not anymore! I will get to the bottom of this, mark my words.
After fully recovering from Megan's assassination attempt, I went to Chapters. After wandering around trying to find something to pique my interest, I randomly decided that I want to publish a book of my own. I mean, if Snooki and Glenn Beck can do it, it can't be that hard. BAZING!
But what would I write about? THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS! I surely don't spend enough time in the kitchen to come up with my own book of recipes, so that's probably not a good idea.
I'm not an expert on anything, so that leaves out self-help. I value credibility in my reading material, so it would be hypocritical of me to deny my audience of it.
I'm not a doctor, so I can't write anything that will make you feel better about your health problems.
And I'd feel downright ridiculous if I started writing an autobiography or a memoir at the age of 21. Mostly because I'm not a holocaust survivor or a girl interrupted and haven't really done anything worth publishing with my life yet. That's pretty sad.
But, I could write a play! Or a novel! Or a complete compilation of poetry, featuring New Blue Toothbrush, and all of my other greatest hits! Move over Robert Frost!
But seriously folks, I have a long time to think this over. My only criteria for myself right now is that I want to be on the book cover, preferably shrugging.
You know what's right messed up? I have now gotten food poisoning TWICE in the past 2 months from seafood. And let's be clear here, I know in the past I've said that I'm an advocate for puking, but I should clarify that alcohol-induced vomiting is a lot more pleasant than food-induced vomiting. So what is going on with my body? I've narrowed it down to 3 theories:
1. Someone fucked up when preparing my food. This is probably the likeliest reason. It's probably just bad luck that it happened twice in such a short time frame.
2. I'm developing an allergy to seafood. Now I hope this isn't true because it would probably break my heart a little bit. I mean, chances are it's not true, because I have eaten plenty of seafood (even sushi!) in the time since the first incident to the second, and I've felt fine. And if I am allergic to seafood, I hope that it's specifically octopus. That shit's weird.
3. Someone is trying to kill me. A lot of people read this blog, I wouldn't be surprised if some people didn't have it out for me. But if this is true, how exciting for me! Maybe I should hire my own food tester and bodyguard! ... Except it would totally suck if my food tester and bodyguard were the people trying to kill me. That would happen, because my life is like that.
Either way, food poisoning totally sucks and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Even though my worst enemy is actually celery, which is a food... which could cause food poisoning... wow.
You know what? I think I'm just gonna go to bed now...
So it looks like 2011 hasn't been off to a good start blogwise.
But to be fair, January is always a dicking busy month for me! I mean, my brother has a birthday, so then I get drunk, and then I have a birthday, and then I get super drunk, and then I need a whole week to recover so... you know what? After writing this all out, I realize that it's a totally shitty excuse.
In case you haven't figured it out, this entry is all about my excuses for not updating, in hopes that publicly shaming myself will inspire me to write more.
You want to know the truth? I have spent the last 2 weeks assembling a team of wild animals in order to defeat the Elite Four and become the reigning Pokemon champion! I don't think you realize how much time and thought goes into that process. However... all of my hard work has finally paid off, because as of today, I have defeated the Elite Four. HI FIVES ALL AROUND!
Don't you hate it when you do things that feel like a huge accomplishment, but in the big scheme of things, it was really just a waste of time?
Somebody gave my parents a turducken for Christmas. In case you don't know what a turducken is, it is the result of a rare occurrence in nature where a duck eats a chicken, and is immediately eaten by a turkey afterwards. Apparently this is what it will look like when it's cooked:
The idea of the turducken makes me feel many things. I mean, I'm excited for the opportunity to try something new, I'm sad because 3 different animals died in order for this to happen, and I'm a little turned on because [insert sexual joke about getting stuffed twice followed by a rim shot]. Thank you thank you, I'll be here all week.
I consider myself to be an open minded person, so I'm going to try it. However, I just have so many freakin questions! Chicken and Turkey are delicious, but I've never had Duck before. What can I expect? What do we serve with it? Gravy? Mashed Potatoes? Do we need to put it in the oven longer than a regular turkey? And most importantly, can we deep fry it?
My biggest fear is that it will end up being so disgusting that it will turn me off of all 3 forms of poultry forever. How terrible would that be? Every major holiday would be so awkward! What would I eat? Seafood... I would eat seafood.
Anyway, I can't say that this type of anxiety is exactly new to me. A few Thanksgivings ago my dad deep fried a turkey for the first time. It looked like this:
It's probably my favorite way to eat turkey, just saying. So maybe turducken will become my new favorite thing too? Stay tuned....
Studies show that the best way to avoid a hangover is by not getting one. I will pause for your laughter now. Anyway, people always ask me, "SAR-AH! How can you drink so excessively and not feel it the next day?" The truth? Years upon years of building up a tolerance. But every now and then I have one shot too many and it makes the next morning feel like the Apocalypse is near. I have my way of dealing with it, and since I am benevolent, I will share it with you.
1. Sleep. This is very important to the hangover curing process because sometimes you can be fortunate enough to sleep through the whole hangover and wake up feeling well rested and ready to party again. Seriously. Sometimes I get absolutely wasted out of my mind and fall asleep for 36 hours. But the important part is that I wake up feeling great!
2. Gatorade. I don't know what it is about this stuff, but it works. Everyone has a different flavor that works for them, but I like the blue and the red kinds the best. Sometimes purple. For the extreme party animal, I recommend a trip to Costco and buying a whole flat of Gatorade so you can have it on hand, just in case.
3. Fast Food. Your stomach will thank you for putting food inside of it. Unless you puke, in which case it's saying "fuck you". If you're feeling up to it, you should run to the nearest fast food restaurant and dig in. I took a random poll among my friends, and some of their favorite places include:
-McDonald's
-Tim Hortons
-Subway
-Pho
And I can personally vouch for all of these places.
4. Pop some Advil. Chances are you've got a pretty big headache. Well, take something for it.
5. If all else fails, make yourself throw up. If absolutely NOTHING else is helping you escape the horror of these feelings, then I guess you're gonna have to go bulimia style on yourself. I wish I could personally say that I've never resorted to it, but it has saved my ass quite a few times. It's okay, I won't judge you for it. Also, if possible, try to attempt this the night before while you are still drunk. It just... works better that way. I promise.
Sometimes I wanna be a bad girl. I mean, I've been a pretty good girl and followed all the rules for my whole life... basically. Is it so bad that I fantasize about having a cocaine addiction and taking topless photos of myself and posting them on the internet? But then I'm like, "Hmm, I can't really afford another addiction." And then I remember that Playboy would pay me big money for taking topless photos, so I'll just wait until I get that offer.
I think it's a safe assumption to say that everyone wants to be able to fly or to become invisible. But those are pretty generic. If I could have a superpower, I would want the ability to freeze time. Here's why!
-So getting up at 7:00 in the morning everyday sucks, right? So what if you could freeze time at 7:00 and just go back to bed for however long you want! Then when you're well rested enough, you can get up and go about your day without the horrible feeling of fatigue! HURRAY!
-You know when you're cuddling with someone, and they're like, "I wish we could stay like this forever!" WELL NOW YOU CAN!
-So you're writing a test that you didn't study for. You're totally screwed, right? WRONG! You can freeze time, take out your textbook, copy the correct answers, and hand in your test all within one minute.
-Say you're an actor and you're at an audition and you totally bombed your first take. You could freeze time and erase your take from the camera, unfreeze time, and ask for a second take. And then the casting team is watching the audition tapes afterward, they won't remember your horrible blunder because it was erased from existence! YAAAAY!
Fuck yeah. Freezing time would be so badass. Would you still rather be able to fly or turn invisible NOW?
