a sad realization

Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:

I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.

As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!

What I'm like when I'm sober:

Actual picture of me drunk:

Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.

Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah

1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.

2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.

3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.

4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.

5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."


It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".

But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3

happy anniversary!

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Widows on the Dock! I know, I know - it seems like it was only yesterday that I was ranting and making random lists and generally showing off what a weirdo I am... and look at me now! I'm pretty much exactly the same...

Anyway! I know I could look back at the year that was, but I like to save that for New Year's. But you know how Oprah has favorite things? Well so do I. And in proper Widows on the Dock style, here is a top 5 list of my favorite things right now.

1. Twitter

Twitter isn't new to me. I've had it since 2009. But unlike facebook, which was AWESOME back in 2007 and just depresses me in 2011, I still like it. I find that Twitter really puts into perspective what's relevant in our lives, and what's really worth sharing with the world and what should maybe stay in your diary. By the way, Widows on the Dock has a twitter account (that I should really get on updating... oops!)... if you're interested, check us out @widowsonthedock.

2. Ian White

Ian White is a handsome man and him and David Spence are why I keep watching CTV News Calgary. I should maybe be embarrassed about this but deep down I know you all agree with me so I'm not so ashamed.

3. iPhone 4

So earlier this year I made the big switch from Blackberry over to the iPhone and I haven't looked back since. I love everything about it and I'm pretty convinced that I always will.

4. Pumpkin Pecan Bars by Kashi

The best snack award goes to Kashi for this amazing little taste of heaven. I'd also like to thank my mother and father for keeping the pantry well stocked with boxes of these.

5. Kirsten

Holy fuck, how much do I love Kirsten? Enough to mention her like 3 times on my blog over the course of a year. If you don't know Kirsten I feel sorry for you, because that she is smoking hot and I'm not even ashamed to say that I'm a little gay for her. Also I'm really hoping that she'll come visit me in Calgary one day not too long from now. Please? :(

Lastly, I'd like to thank everyone who's been checking out what I've got to say over the past year. It's been a really successful year so here's hoping to many more!

-Widows on the Dock.

top 5 things to do when you're sad

Okay, so sometimes we get sad. Don't worry, that's a natural part of life! Fortunately, I have a few things that make me feel better when I get the blues and am willing to share them with you!

1. Troll Yahoo Answers

Some people ask a lot of dumb shit through yahoo answers, and it is awesome. Especially when you need something to help you smile.

2. Get cozy
I love getting all snuggled into my blankets when I'm upset. It's hard to feel sad when you're so warm and comfortable! Cool factoid about this picture: It's from Facebook. Yes that's right, Facebook photos are coming up on arbitrary google searches. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives...

3. Look at pictures of babely babes
Whenever I want to get my mind off of something unpleasant, I do a quick google image search of my favorite hotties. Works 9/10 times. I like to look at pictures of Zac Efron, but you can stalk whomever you want! It's really that easy!

4. Look at pictures of cute baby animals

Do I really have to explain this?

5. Take your feelings out on someone who doesn't deserve it in the slightest

I only recommend this one if you want to be a complete asshole. I'm not saying you should bully people, but it is possible to turn someone else's misery into your joy. That's all I'm saying.

top 5 gifts I don't like getting

So we've all received some bad gifts at one time or another. And some people might say, "people who complain about the gifts they receive are just ungrateful". Well, those people are liars. I don't care who you are, you get bummed out when you get a gift you didn't really want. Here's a list of gifts I personally hate getting.

1. Self Help Books

I get really insulted when someone gives me a self help book. It's like they've noticed a flaw that I have, and they're pressuring me to change it by spending my valuable time reading. Don't get me wrong, I like reading, but I don't care much to spend a few hours learning how something I've been doing with my life is completely wrong.

2. Chocolate

I am not a huge chocolate fan. I pretty much only eat it when I crave it. The chocolate I often receive at Christmas time lasts me well into February. So save me a few thousand calories and give me some cash instead.

3. Towels

I'm not even kidding about this, but one Christmas, my grandfather and his wife gave me and my brother towels for Christmas. We have yet to forgive them.

4. Souvenir T-Shirts

Ugh, seriously. I have about fifty million of them and I don't think I can take anymore. I think I'm just going to have to refuse to accept them. I mean, they never fit properly enough to be worn in public, so I just resort to wearing them around the house, when I'm working out, or when I'm sleeping. AND I DON'T NEED TEN THOUSAND SHIRTS TO DO THESE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS! Jesus Christ, get me a keychain or a snow globe instead.

5. A Donation in Your Name

This may seem like a nice idea, but unless I asked for it specifically, I will hate you forever. Especially if it comes with an obnoxious little note like the one above.

So there you have it for your future reference. You are of course allowed to buy me these things if you have asked me permission, but chances are I will not grant it to you so... get me something better, k?

top 5 cartoons I will force my future children to watch

Okay, confession time... I love cartoons. Children's cartoons. And I'm 21. And if I ever have children, they'd better love cartoons too. Or else I'll make them watch me eat giant jars of Nutella all by myself and I will not share. I haven't done a top 5 in a while, so here's a list of the top 5 cartoons I will make my children watch:

1. Franklin

Raise your hand if the first thing you thought when you saw this picture was "HEEEEEEY IT'S FRANKLIN!"

Franklin can count by twos and tie his shoes. He can button buttons and zip zippers. He's also kind of a huge idiot. He's a perfect example of how to fail at life. I know he's young and all, but seriously Franklin, you are the stupidest one out of all of your friends. And on a side note: Why does Badger need walkers? Never mind, I just wikipedia'd the show and apparently Badger has cerebral palsy but it was never mentioned on the show. What's the point of giving a character a disability and never mentioning it? Regardless, I'll make my future kids watch this show so they can learn to not do stupid shit like lose their favorite toy.

2. Pokemon

What is going on in this picture? I don't even care because IT. IS. AWESOME.

Shit yeah, I love this show. I'm actually in the process of watching all of it from the very beginning, which is kind of daunting because there are 14 seasons and counting. I haven't decided yet if I want my kids to watch this show in its entirety... it will all depend on if Jesse and James from Team Rocket will ever hook up (I REALLY HOPE THEY DO! Or at least just make out a little to see what it's like).

3. Babar

Babar looks better in green than St. Patrick. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

Holy shit, Babar. Did you know that Babar's wife, Celeste, is his cousin? GROSS! But I try not to judge. That tends to happen a lot in the animal world. Anyway, Babar is pretty awesome, but the REAL star of the show is Retaxes. Even though he's like, the most passive aggressive villain ever. I mean, he's definitely the antagonist most of the time, but he never puts Celesteville in any real danger. What's your deal Retaxes?

4. Arthur

The biggest badass motherfucker on PBS.

I don't have to justify how awesome Arthur is. I still watch this shit like the world will end if I don't.

5. Ferngully

The Batty Koda rap: the anthem of our generation

This is what I'll force my kids to watch when they've been misbehaving, because chances are, Hexxus will scare the shit out of them like it did to me. Hell, I'm still afraid of Hexxus. Regardless of how much shit in my pants Hexxus has caused me over the years, this is still one of the best movies ever.

top 5 stalker songs

There's been a lot of stalker talk lately. I don't condone it by any means (jk I do it all the time), but I have a fair amount of knowledge on the creepiest songs ever. So when you're sitting outside the object of your affection's house in your white van, here's a list of songs you can listen to:

1. Every Breath You Take - The Police. This is such a claaaaassic stalker song. You can't even consider it a stalker playlist if you don't have this song on it.

2. Invisible - Clay Aiken. I feel kind of bad that Clay Aiken had to start his career with this single. At some point he must've realized how creepy this song is, right?

3. I See You - Mika. Okay, I love Mika, and I love this song, but it's got a bit of a creep factor. I get it, unrequited love is supposed to be beautiful and romantic, but it just comes off as stalkery.

4. Out of My Head - Mobile. This song doesn't only give me a stalker vibe, but a little rapey vibe too. But I'll be watching you.

5. Creep - Radiohead. This is the best "I'm-not-actually-creepy-but-you-think-I am-I-just-love-you-so-much" song ever.

And there ya have it folks, Sarah's top 5 stalker songs. Happy stalking! I mean, what?

sarah's nye 2010 extravaganza!

Holy crap you guys, tomorrow is the last day of 2010! Can you believe it? I will always look upon 2010 fondly because it is a multiple of five. I have some goodies planned for this entry, so sit down and enjoy.

Okay, so first of all, here are my top 5 blog entries as chosen by you, the readers!

Ah, some good choices.

Next up, I have a list of all the cool and interesting things that went down in 2010:

-I said hello.

-I turned 20!

-filming stuff.

-Olympics!

-I had my first surgery! So long wisdom teeth!

-I finally got closure from a person I desperately needed it from.

-I acquired awesomeness.

-May long camping!

-Tofino!

-I quite possibly fell in love this year. It was very brief but pleasant. I'd do it again.

-Capilano bridge with Tony!

-I learned how to fight this year. Not physically, but verbally.

-I experienced the singlehanded most awkward moment ever.

-Pokemon Halloween!

-I wrote a lulzy short film with Tanaya.

-I GRADUATED FILM SCHOOL!

-I relocated to Calgary.

-I said goodbye.

Funeral count: 1

Birth count: 1

Here's a list of things I LOVED in 2010:

-The Golden Girls

-coming to Calgary for home cooked meals and visiting friends.

-School!

-Red wine.

-Japadog!

-getting money.

-hitting on teachers.

And finally, a list of what I hope to achieve in 2011:

-Twenty fun!

-Travel

-Be happy always! (aka drunk)

-Get that brazilian.

-headshots!

-make a lot of money.

-move back to Vancouver!

-play more video games.

-evade rehab.

Happy New Year everyone!

sarah's top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

Do you ever find yourself attracted to someone who isn't conventionally attractive and have a hard time justifying it to other people? Yeah, been there. Anyway, in the spirit of top 5's, here are my top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

1. Jason Schwartzman

Jason is sexy in the "I've never had a good haircut" kind of way. Have you guys ever watched HBO's Bored To Death? Cause you should, it's awesome and he's the star. But his haircut is a little distracting, I gotta say.

2. Fred Armisen

I'm really not sure how to explain this one. Maybe it's the nerd factor, or maybe it's that he plays female characters so well on SNL. And now I'm wondering if that little fact makes me gay. Just kidding, it doesn't.

3. Lord Durham

The sexiest person that ever appeared in my grade 8 social studies textbook. Wikipedia tells me that he had 8 children with two different women, that sly dog!

4. Billy Bob Thornton

I was watching Love Actually on Christmas, and Billy Bob plays the motherfucking President of the United States! Perfect casting!

5. Ricky Gervais
Yeah, I'm pretty head over heels over this man. I wouldn't say that he's my first choice in celebrity sexcapades because that spot goes to Tina Fey, but Ricky is definitely in the running.

top 5 things I will miss about living alone

So, I'm moving home pretty soon. But not in the pathetic, "I'm over 30 and I'm a failure at life" kind of way. More like the "I'm graduating post secondary at the age of 20 and need a place to stay while I start my career" kind of way. So while I've been in school, I've been living on my own. No roommates or anything, just me. All by my lonesome. And I must admit, it's been a lovely experience. So lovely, in fact, that there are many things I will miss about it, and I've boiled it down to 5 things:

1. Living in your own filth and loving it.

I swear to God I'm not a hoarder, but if I didn't have friends that came over occasionally and motivated me to clean up, I very well could be one. Disgustingness aside, it's nice not having anyone nagging you to clean your room and put your dishes away, and being able to do your tidying when you feel like it.

2. The nakedness.

Oh, how I will miss the nakedness. This might be what I will miss the most about living alone. I mean, you can probably get away with being naked while living with other people, but extreme awkwardness may ensue. In my case, I'd be faced with questions such as "Sarah, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" and "Is that a tattoo?!" ... soooo yeah I probably won't participate in such liberating activities when I move back home.

3. Doing your own grocery shopping/eating what you want, when you want.

Okay, I lied about being naked. I will definitely miss getting my own groceries more than being naked. It sucks so bad knowing that I'm going to have to back to begging my mom to buy chocolate milk and Kraft peanut butter (she keeps buying the nasty organic kind... sigh). Oh, and when you live alone, 9 am cravings for ice cream are perfectly acceptable to deal with, because nobody's around to tell you that you're sick, that you're wrong, or that you're a terrible human being.

4. No fighting over the TV.

When I'm at home, I inevitably have to fight my brother for the TV. Usually I'll want to do something badass like watch Nacho Libre or play Mario Kart 64, but he's on the TV playing the latest NHL Xbox game or watching Dexter. But living on my own, that never happens. I never have to sit through all those lame shows that my parents watch. I can play Nintendo whenever I want. Man, life is so sweet.

5. You set your own bedtime and wake up time.

Seriously. I've gone to bed at 3 am some nights (but not by choice). And I can sleep as late as I want as long as I get up in time for school. I slept for 15 hours once. It was pretty intense. I thought I had mono, but I didn't. I've been tired a lot recently though, so maybe I have mono now? What the hell is mono anyway?

top 5 dad songs

When I was growing up, our family went on a lot of road trips. My dad controlled the CD player, so me and my brother always knew we'd be listening to these songs:

1. El Paso by Marty Robbins. This is a badass song from like, 1959 about a cowboy who shoots this guy for flirting with the girl that he wanted to bump uglies with. He runs away, but his love for the girl is so strong that he comes back. Tragedy ensues. About 20 years later, Marty Robbins released a song called "El Paso City" as a sequel to this song. It's worth a listen.

2. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. We all know what this song's about! ;) ;) I've never met someone who didn't like this song, or at the very least disliked making the "BUM BUM BUM" trumpet sounds whenever me and my friends drunkenly perform our rendition of it. Fun fact: I saw Neil Diamond in concert. He did this song for his encore... twice. Like, at the very end of the first time, he was like, "ONE MORE TIME!" and the music started up again. I'm all about the cliches.

3. Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn. I really don't know what comments to make on this song. I guess this was pop music at its best in the 60's.

4. Delilah by Tom Jones. We listened to a lot of Tom Jones on these trips, but for some reason, "Delilah" stands out above the rest of them. Probably because my dad would passionately sing along as if the song was happening to him (which is pretty sick. I mean the song's about killing your girlfriend after finding out she cheated on you). Other Tom Jones songs worth mentioning: "What's New Pussycat", "It's Not Unusual" and "Daughter of Darkness". Oh, and "She's a Lady". You know what, you could probably just go ahead and download (I mean purchase... purchase legally) every Tom Jones song ever. It's straight up baby making music.

5. If I Can Dream by Elvis Presley. This shouldn't be much of a surprise since my dad is obsessed with Elvis. And I don't blame him. If I was alive back in his day... oh my. I don't even want to think about all the freaky and unmoral things I would do. Damn Elvis was a hottie. Anyway, this also happens to be my favorite Elvis song. I mean, it's got a great message and you can't ask for much more than that. Other Elvis songs worth mentioning: "In the Ghetto", "Suspicious Minds", and "A Little Less Conversation".

Honorable Mention:

A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash

Take a Chance on Me - ABBA

Bicycle Race - Queen

I also want to mention that these are songs from when my dad was a child/teenager. It makes me feel weird that when I play music from when I was a child/teenager for children in the future, it's going to be stuff like Sublime, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Killers, etc. Isn't that crazy!?

top 5 deal breakers

Ladies, we all know what certain qualities to look for in a potential significant other. But more importantly, we all know what we're not looking for in a potential significant other. These qualities are known as deal breakers. Many people have the standard deal breakers, such as "I don't like a woman who flirts with other guys", or "I don't like a man who disrespects his mother". While those are very valid and important deal breakers, I tend to be a little bit more... selective with what turns me off of someone. So here are my personal top 5 deal breakers:

1. When I have to constantly explain things. It's always a buzzkill when I'm interested in someone, and they have no idea what I'm saying. I'll admit, sometimes I'm not very articulate, but I don't appreciate having to explain what certain words mean simply because they don't get it.

2. When they don't laugh at the things I laugh at. There is no possible way that I can spend my life with someone who doesn't think that 4 little people relay racing a camel isn't hilarious. I'M SORRY IF THAT MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR LAUGHING, BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL. And if you try and tell me that you didn't at least crack a smile, then you would be a liar.

3. They eat an obscene amount of celery. This may be the biggest deal breaker on my list. I understand that some people like eating celery, although I cannot fathom why. But all I ask is that they at the very least keep the celery consumption to a minimum while I'm around. Or better yet, only partake in it when I'm not around. It could be one of those secrets that couples keep from each other that makes their relationship stronger, like cross dressing and my dependency on alcohol.

4. They take everything too seriously. Basically, if I can't make someone laugh, I will immediately lose interest in them. There have been, of course, great exceptions to this.

5. They're addicted to Farmville/Mafia Wars/[insert game here]. There is just no competing with that.

sarah's top 5 animated villains

1. Negaduck from Darkwing Duck.

Negaduck is probably the most badass villain on Darkwing Duck. I mean, boyfriend IS just an alternative version of DW after all. He's also the leader of the Fearsome Five, and is definitely the most evil person to ever terrify the fair city of St. Canard.

2. Team Rocket from Pokemon.

Team Rocket is definitely the most adorable group of villains on this list. I mean, they shouldn't really even be classified as villains since they haven't ever been successful in doing anything "evil". But they're so cute with their matching outfits and talking Meowth and long motto that a large part of me always kind of wants them to catch a break and steal that Pikachu once and for all. And what's their story anyway? Lots of people claim that James is gay but sometimes you'll catch a moment between them that's filled with sexual tension. Are they or aren't they? Will we ever find out?

3. Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons.

The last thing you hear before you die: show tunes. Say what you will about the quality of The Simpsons in recent years, but you can't deny that episodes with Sideshow Bob are always top notch. I mean, dude is voiced by Kelsey Grammer! I'm pretty sure that man was created for the sole purpose of providing voices for cartoon villains. I mean, he's voiced other kind of characters, sure, but they all sucked. I wonder why Kelsey Grammar doesn't narrate things the way Morgan Freeman does. He should.

4. Hexxus from Ferngully.

Holy shit, where do I begin? I didn't watch Ferngully for nearly 10 years because Hexxus scared me so much. What the fuck is he anyway? One minute he's a sludgy skeleton, and the next he's this singing cloud of gas. Hexxus is voiced by the one and only Tim Curry. And he sings a song about pollution and I gotta say, for a children's movie, it's pretty sexual. That's kind of ridiculous. I mean, the film's whole message is about how we need to preserve the environment, and yet they make pollution sound like the sexiest fucking thing in the whole world. I'm not even kidding! You can listen to the song here.

5. Dr. Reginald Bushroot from Darkwing Duck.

Dr. Bushroot makes me sad. He wasn't evil before he became half plant-half duck. He was always picked on by his colleagues and so after his accident, he had a lot of built up anger issues and thus became a villain (see kids, THIS is why you shouldn't bully others). I think it'd be super sweet if he was in a movie where he had to battle Hexxus. Remind me to write that screenplay later. Anyway, it disappoints me that he chose to use his plantlike abilities for evil rather than good. Who doesn't like a man that likes flowers?

5 jobs I'd consider having

I am currently none of these things, but I wouldn't mind being one of these things! LOL! (I hate myself right now)

1. Kindergarten Teacher. I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, "Sar-AH! Who would WANT to work with children!?" But think about it... kindergarten classes end at noon depending on the school. Not to mention that you're pretty much getting paid to colour and sing songs and read books and ... NAP! Need I say more? The best part of all is that these kids won't bother you with their relationship problems and drama because they probably don't have any. And summers off? Sign me up for this sweet gig!

2. Flight Attendant. I travel more than the average person probably does, so I've encountered many flight attendants over the years. I've come to decide that the job is pretty rad. I mean, all you pretty much have to do is make sure people are wearing their seat belts properly and sling drinks and peanuts. I should also mention the cute outfits that you'd get to wear. Fantastic!

3. Animal Rescuer. I don't know if this is a paid job, but I would do it for free if I had the time. I LOOOOOOOVE animals and I kind of really wanna adopt a whole bunch of injured/abandoned/abused animals and nurse them back to health! And then train them to attack people I hate.

4. Critic. Restaurant and Film alike. Getting paid to go out for dinner and watch movies? I'm down.

5. Samantha Jones. At first I was gonna say "Whore", but I that's not entirely accurate. Then I decided, I want to be Samantha Jones from Sex and the City! I mean, girlfriend is so badass. She has sex with whoever she wants and doesn't apologize for it. I think we can all take a page from her book. I'm not sure how being Samantha Jones would work as a full time job, but if I can find a way to get paid for being a fabulous bitch I'll have it made for life.

top 5 awkward moments of my life so far

In no particular order.

1. I was in my grade 12 social class, spacing out and chewing gum like a lazy motherfucker with my mouth open, and the gum fell out of my mouth and onto the floor. My initial reaction was sheer embarrassment, and I frantically looked around to see if anyone near me saw it. Nobody did. But the shame never went away and I carry it around with me everyday.

2. Again in grade 12, my parents took me and my brother to see Borat. Which is like, one of the most awkward movies you could watch with your parents, but my parents are pretty cool so that was fine. But it was kind of lame being 16 and going to a movie with your mom and dad and little brother. The worst part of this experience was when the movie was over me and my mom waited outside of theatre 8 because my dad and brother were using the washroom. This guy that I was hardcore crushing on came out of the theatre with his friends and omg I died. The next school day when he saw me he was like, "Did your parents like the movie?" omg I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

3. Last Christmas, I flew home from Vancouver to Calgary. I was using the self check in machine and I must've looked confused because a nice WestJet employee came over to help me. When my boarding pass had been printed, she turned to me and said, "have a nice flight!" I then replied with, "you too!" I should've just played off that faux pas (awesome word) like it was nothing, but I realized my horrible mistake and immediately said, "OH NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" The employee was super cool about it though. She was like, "oh honey, I wish I was flying today!" and then I smiled and ran away. I wish I could be as cool as her.

4. On Sunday, we were having our big family Thanksgiving dinner. I proudly walked into my aunt and uncle's kitchen where my extended family was and gave my best, most flamboyant "HAAAAAY!" expecting them to laugh or even say "HAAAAY" back to me. Nobody said anything. They all stared.

5. When I was 18, me and my mom made plans to go see a play at Stage West in Calgary. In case you don't know what that is, it's this kind of dinner theatre production company. So me and my mom had our dinner, and then the show started. Halfway through the show, I puked. I awkwardly and silently ran to the bathroom and continued puking for like, 10 minutes. When I thought it was done (keyword thought), I got some paper towel and tried to wipe the puke off my sweater. This is where it got super awkward. I was in the middle of trying in vain to clean myself up, when this old lady came into the washroom. She looked at me and was like, "did you spill?" and I was like, "no I threw up", and there was a REALLY REALLY LONG PAUSE and she was like, "that's a shame." and ran out. Some other fun facts about that night: Everything I ate came out in reverse order. I puked in a bucket in the backseat of my car for the whole ride home, and then I eventually started puking blood. Yep, great night.