attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

not effin cool

Blah, you guys, I gotta level with you. I'm crushing hardcore these days. And while the whole ~*~up all nite thinkin of u~*~ and the butterflies in my stomach are nice to feel after not having it for so long, it mostly bums me out. I mean, I had pretty much sworn off crushes because I was convinced that Zac Efron and I would've found each other by now. I'm not giving up on him yet, though.

You just never know.

So, this crush. Ughhh. I guess it started out normally enough. You know, you see him at work/school one day and can hardly contain your excitement about this new and exquisite find. You ask all your coworkers/classmates, "who is THAT?" making no effort to hide your obvious enthusiasm. They have no idea, and it's clear that they don't see what you see (maybe because some of them are men) but you don't care because you're insecure and HATE a chase when you've got competition.

And suddenly everything changes! You put more effort into your appearance. You freak out on a daily basis because omg no amount of concealer can hide this pimple and FML this one curly piece of hair WILL NOT STRAIGHTEN! Keep in mind that at this point you probably don't even know his name, but whatever, you've made one up for him (Stavros. Boyboy. Painter Guy.) and maybe today will be the day you drop the big "hello" on him. But it's not, you're too shy! Maybe normally you push through your shyness and talk to him anyway, but this time, it's different. This time, you want it to work out. Because faking outgoingness never worked for you before. Except for that one time that it did, and you were so terrified of your success that you ended the relationship before it really could've started. But you were younger then, and you're much more mature about things now. Except you still kind of think you're gonna puke whenever you're near this guy.

Okay, so it's a new day now. You swear you're gonna at least get his name today. And you do! You overhear him introduce himself (the name you picked for him wasn't even close FYI) so now you're all excited and tell all of your friends about him! They want to know what he looks like, so you discreetly snap a picture with your phone but because you had to be subtle it's all dark and blurry. Or you go into the public school files and find his class picture and print it out (I didn't do this. Only creepy people do this). Your friends text you, "oh he's a cutie patio tie" (because autocorrect doesn't recognize patootie) even though you know they have no idea what they're looking at. And in some sort of twisted irony, you notice some guy exhibiting this kind of behaviour towards you but you brush him off as some creep.

One day, your babe gets a haircut. You HATE it more than ANYTHING and begin to question all of the choices you've made in life.

But after a couple of days, you're over it. It's just a haircut, and you're not that shallow. However, you're now in an uncomfortable place because you've seen each other around for quite a while now, yet you've never been properly introduced. It'd be too awkward to ask him what his name was now (even though you already know it) because you really should've asked him when you first saw him. So now you start fantasizing about how to initiate conversation with him in a way that seems natural. I like to somehow figure out a way to show off one of my hidden talents in these daydreams. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to naturally bring up how good I am at stalking people on the internet, but maybe you'll have better luck.

So one day you're on your lunch break, and so is he. But he's with a woman. This woman is not you. And you just fly off the handle (internally, of course). You're at your table, trying not to stare, holding back tears, crying into your salad, tweeting about how sad you are. You used to joke around about how depressing this song was, but now that song has become your life! You are miserable about it for the rest of the day. You loathe that woman. Upon closer inspection, you realize that she's much older than he is and is probably his mom or something. You still hate her, though.

Now you're going on vacation, yay! You need a distraction in the worst way. You ask your friends to keep an eye on him for you (just kidding! But not really!) and they do. Maybe too much of an eye. You come back and they have a collection of short stories for you. You love it! But you still have no idea how to talk to this guy. Maybe one day you'll just run into him and be cool enough to be all, "I think you're a babe". Maybe. We can only hope.

And maybe, one day you'll be clubbing with your friends and omg he's there too! You point him out to your friends and they're all, "go talk to him!" but the common theme in this story has been that you're too chicken shit to say anything to him, so instead you choose to "casually" get into his eye sight and see if he notices you. He looks at you for a few moments, but he recognizes you! YAY! Unfortunately, it's too loud to hear what he's saying so you just smile and nod until your friends decide it's time to go. Sigh.

And then you read this whole story and realize that it's not really surprising that your crushes become nothing more than crushes. Maybe the next time will be different.

leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

Babeapalooza 2012

These are some of the hotties I look at when I need some, uh, inspiration.

 (for Kim)

 I couldn't decide between Steve Buscemi and Elijah Wood, so I chose both at the same time.

 "So what who cares?"

my epic dream

You guys... YOU GUYS! I had the most amazing dream last night! Like you don't even know! First of all, I was dating a certain local celebrity (I won't specify because it's kind of embarassing!) and we were really happy and everything, except he was like, weirdly obsessed with anal sex and I refused to partake in that activity. And we had to go to couples therapy for it and it was really strange.

But then afterwards, we went to this awesome movie parade where all these actors were dressed up as characters from movies and they were just walking down the street. Elijah Wood was there as Frodo and as he passed me he looked at me and said hello. AND THEN I DIED OF LOVE!

Oh yeah, and you know what made the dream even better? Kevin James was my best friend.

You're probably reading this and feeling jealous of my dream life right now. That's okay, my real life is jealous of my dream life too.

tribute to nick

There was a brief time in my life when I was obsessed with CSI. I mean, I watched it religiously for two hours on Spike TV everyday after school. And who could blame me when this total smokeshow was onscreen?

Nick fucking Stokes can crime scene investigate me all day long! By far the hottest dude to ever work in a crime lab. Anyway, Nick is from Texas, in case you can't tell, and even though I stopped watching the show a few seasons ago, he's still a total babe. But I dunno! Bad stuff seems to keep happening to him! Like one time, he had sex with a prostitute and then she died! Nick, what were you thinking?! And this other time, this guy was living in his attic and he had no idea! It was so scary! And I think everyone remembers the episode where he was buried alive! Thanks for the heart attack Quentin Tarantino!

Oh man, now I'm all nostalgic for this show! Me and my friend Jaclyn used to play the computer games too and solved cases like a boss! Grissom would've been proud.

Now this whole post has turned into a boner for CSI... I'm sorry.

But one last cool thing about Nick: HE KILLED JUSTIN BIEBER! Check it!

shit

You guys, I am seriously so disappointed! Last weekend I went to buy a new bicycle with my parents, and I was so psyched and in a hurry about it that I didn't put any effort into how I looked that day.

I mean, this is pretty much what I look like when I put a little work into my appearance:

I know I'm probably not the hottest babe you've ever seen, but I'm not so tough on the eyes right? Unfortunately, here's what I looked like when I went bike shopping:

Not only is it terrible that I went out in public looking like that, but the guy who helped us find bikes was pretty much the hottest guy ever. I'm not even exaggerating, it was so hard to pretend that I wasn't attracted right away cause my parents were there and if they knew they would've made fun of me for it in front of him. But seriously. He looked like this:

He looked just like Zac Efron! And everybody knows that Zac Efron makes me weak in the knees (and moist in the panties... JK as if I'm that saucy... SURPRISE I REALLY AM)! In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was Zac Efron. Ugh, I totally had a chance to get with Zac Efron and I completely blew it.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the fallout of this experience. I mean, it was almost a week ago and I'm still really bummed out about it. Although there is some silver lining! I made a joke and he laughed at it so that was good... but then I self hi-fived myself so... I'll be single forever basically.

time is such a buzzkill

Charlie Sheen is literally everywhere lately! And he's so wacky I can hardly stand it! But I'm not gonna lie, I'd be more impressed with all of his antics if he still looked like this:

But unfortunately, he looks like this now:

If I could ask Charlie Sheen anything, it'd be:

-Do people refer to your brother as "EMILIOOOOOOOO" in front of you? How does it make you feel?

-Why haven't you changed your hair style in the past 20 years?

-Why are you always frowning at me!? :(

-I want to be "winning!" too! How do I achieve this?

-I heard a rumor that Jon Cryer paints his hair on everyday. Is this true?

-Have you ever punched the kid from your show in the face? If not, you probably should consider it...

Anyway... I hope you keep on "winning", Charlie. Don't exhaust yourself!

new crush alert!

This week was a little bit rough for me and I figured the only thing that could cheer me up was to find a new crush! I spent all week trying to figure out which man could fill the void in my life, and I'm happy to say that I've found him! I just saw the movie Hall Pass (which is HILARIOUS btw! You get to see penis in it so I feel like I just had a really awesome date!) and he's in it and he's super adorbs. The one and only Stephen Merchant!

So here's the lowdown: He's British and hilarious and he's super tall. Like, I wanna hang out with him in public because he's like twice my size and people would think that was weird but we could just act like shit don't phase. Plus he's friends with Ricky Gervais which can only be a good thing because then the three of us can all hang out and make fun of celebrities and have hot threesomes maybe. And he's only 16 years older than me! We're practically the same age!

And look ladies, straight teeth! It's totally possible.

Dear Stephen, if you're reading this... I realize that if we actually meet one day it's probably going to be really awkward all because of this post. I am totally and completely willing to accept that. Love, Sarah.

valentine's day

Oh my God you guys! Valentine's Day 2011 is going to be the best Valentine's day ever, because I actually have a Valentine! And she's not a random stranger! You may know her as Kirsten.

This is me and Kirsten at grad. Double babe alert, am I right?

Sadly, a provincial border is keeping us apart, so we won't physically be seeing each other this coming Monday, but we're still Valentines, and that just makes me even more excited for when I can see her next! I can't wait! We're gonna hug and cuddle and maybe make out a little? And maybe we can be Valentines next year and go all the way ... to Whistler for the weekend.

I hope that all my widows out there have a Happy Valentine's Day!

excuse me while I wish an old friend a happy birthday

Happy 30th Birthday Elijah Wood!

sarah's top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

Do you ever find yourself attracted to someone who isn't conventionally attractive and have a hard time justifying it to other people? Yeah, been there. Anyway, in the spirit of top 5's, here are my top 5 weird and unexplainable crushes!

1. Jason Schwartzman

Jason is sexy in the "I've never had a good haircut" kind of way. Have you guys ever watched HBO's Bored To Death? Cause you should, it's awesome and he's the star. But his haircut is a little distracting, I gotta say.

2. Fred Armisen

I'm really not sure how to explain this one. Maybe it's the nerd factor, or maybe it's that he plays female characters so well on SNL. And now I'm wondering if that little fact makes me gay. Just kidding, it doesn't.

3. Lord Durham

The sexiest person that ever appeared in my grade 8 social studies textbook. Wikipedia tells me that he had 8 children with two different women, that sly dog!

4. Billy Bob Thornton

I was watching Love Actually on Christmas, and Billy Bob plays the motherfucking President of the United States! Perfect casting!

5. Ricky Gervais
Yeah, I'm pretty head over heels over this man. I wouldn't say that he's my first choice in celebrity sexcapades because that spot goes to Tina Fey, but Ricky is definitely in the running.

STOP! Jon Hammertime!

Once you stop LOLing at the clever title of this post (it's okay if you haven't, I haven't stopped either), check out this photo montage of Jon Hamm.

(Still laughing at "Hammertime" btw)