umm okay

This entry goes out to my main girl, Tanaya.

So, facebook recently changed their messaging system, and basically, every message I've ever received and sent made its way back into my inbox. 3 years ago I received this message and totally forgot about it and its lulziness:

I was young and clearly wanted to take the high road so I didn't bother carrying the conversation further, but if I had gotten that message today, I'd probably respond with something like this:

Hey man, thanks for pointing out that my name is spelled wrong! Imagine: I went through 21 years of a misspelled name and nobody bothered to tell me! How embarrassing! Thank God for people like you who think that telling complete strangers on Facebook that their first names are improperly spelled is an appropriate thing to do! Most people probably wouldn't have that kind of courage! But _________, I'm a little confused. We've clearly established that my name is incorrectly spelled, but I must ask, how am I supposed to spell my name? I'm afraid that you didn't really specify.

Oh and ______, thank you for calling me "hott". There is nothing more flattering than being complimented by a stranger on the internet. And for the record, I'm not Serbian. In fact, I'm Croatian, and given the bad blood between our ethnic backgrounds, I'm afraid that our love will never be.

Thanks so much!

Sarah

or is it Sara?

Sarha?

I don't fucking know.

wisdom teeth: in memoriam

Today marks a very important day in the history of me. One year ago today, I had my first surgery ever: wisdom teeth removal. It was a relatively simple process... I remember going in really hungry, and leaving the dentist's office really sleepy. I figured that I might never have something like this ever happen in my life again, so I took pictures of my first few days of recovery for nostalgia purposes.

This was the day of the surgery. I'm trying REALLY hard to smile in this picture... it was hard. ALSO I was very confused in this picture because the anesthetic was wearing off during my surgery so I started freaking out and this dental assistant kept telling me that I was doing really well and that when I have a baby the pain will not be as bad then as it is now?!? Pretty sure that's a lie. Now I want to have a baby just to see if she was right.

Day 2! Not even gonna bother smiling.

Day 3. My chin looks weird. But on the other hand, where is that shirt? I want to wear it today.

I think this was day 4. I must've gone out that day cause I made the effort to put on some eyeliner.

Is this day 5? I'm wearing the same shirt as day 4... but that wouldn't surprise me cause I'm kind of dirty sometimes. You can totally see the bruise on my face but... my hair has never been straighter. So... kudos me, this is a great picture!

So yeah... these are my post-wisdom teeth pictures. The only ones ever taken. Seriously, there haven't been any pictures of me taken since then. Weird right?

new crush alert!

This week was a little bit rough for me and I figured the only thing that could cheer me up was to find a new crush! I spent all week trying to figure out which man could fill the void in my life, and I'm happy to say that I've found him! I just saw the movie Hall Pass (which is HILARIOUS btw! You get to see penis in it so I feel like I just had a really awesome date!) and he's in it and he's super adorbs. The one and only Stephen Merchant!

So here's the lowdown: He's British and hilarious and he's super tall. Like, I wanna hang out with him in public because he's like twice my size and people would think that was weird but we could just act like shit don't phase. Plus he's friends with Ricky Gervais which can only be a good thing because then the three of us can all hang out and make fun of celebrities and have hot threesomes maybe. And he's only 16 years older than me! We're practically the same age!

And look ladies, straight teeth! It's totally possible.

Dear Stephen, if you're reading this... I realize that if we actually meet one day it's probably going to be really awkward all because of this post. I am totally and completely willing to accept that. Love, Sarah.

tribute to snacks of the 90's!

Let's get into my time machine and remember some of the great snacks the 90's had to offer. Ahh, the 90's, a simpler time. Remember when your parents bought this stuff and put it in your lunch box everyday? Before they realized they were pretty much feeding you fruit flavored plastic? I haven't seen these in grocery stores for a while, but then again, I'm blowing my food budget on Alphagetti.

90's snack food, I salute you. But perhaps it's best if you're left in the past. These types of things are never as good as you remember them.

loveline

Oh my God, Loveline. I may be obsessed. In case you don't know what Loveline is (and in that case, you are sadly missing out), it's a call-in radio show based in LA hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky (meow!) and currently co-hosted by Mike Catherwood aka Psycho Mike. And by some form of miracle, it's syndicated live to an alternative radio station in my hometown every Sunday-Thursday at 11 pm. That may or may not be enough proof to convince me that there is a God.

At first I listened to Loveline as a sleep aid. And for that reason, I can only listen to the show while I'm in bed reading or on my laptop. I hate listening to it in other places like my car. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I'll seriously haul ass home so I can get home in time for Loveline.

I don't even know why I like it so much! But some guy can call in and be like, "my penis fell off! What should I do?" and even though I will probably never, ever have that happen to me, I still have to know what I should do. And sometimes they get celebrity guests who are really funny and awesome, like Seth MacFarlane comes in sometimes and does Family Guy character voices and answers the question "Does the rest of the family understand the baby?" 40 times per night.

I can only hope that one day, not too long from now, I can become famous enough to be asked to be a guest on Loveline. And only then I will be able to see "The Stinky Pinky Song" performed live. It's nice to have dreams.

So Loveline, I salute you. May you continue to answer North America's sexual questions for many more years to come. And if you're interested in calling into Loveline, the number is 1-800-LOVE-191. I didn't look that up, I have it memorized. That's how obsessed I am.

valentine's day

Oh my God you guys! Valentine's Day 2011 is going to be the best Valentine's day ever, because I actually have a Valentine! And she's not a random stranger! You may know her as Kirsten.

This is me and Kirsten at grad. Double babe alert, am I right?

Sadly, a provincial border is keeping us apart, so we won't physically be seeing each other this coming Monday, but we're still Valentines, and that just makes me even more excited for when I can see her next! I can't wait! We're gonna hug and cuddle and maybe make out a little? And maybe we can be Valentines next year and go all the way ... to Whistler for the weekend.

I hope that all my widows out there have a Happy Valentine's Day!

excuse me while I wish an old friend a happy birthday

Happy 30th Birthday Elijah Wood!

the best brother ever

How is it January 5th already and this is only my first post of 2011? What have I been doing all week? Must've been drunk.

ANYWAY. Today is not only my blog's popped cherry of 2011, it is also my brother's 19th birthday! HURRAY!

Model pose.

Congratulations on 19 years of living! I hope you have many more.

Some cool facts about Tony:

-he was born in 1992. Other people born in 1992: Frances Bean Cobain, Miley Cyrus.

-he's really smart most of the time.

-we get along better than most siblings.

-he is one with nature.

-he's good at everything, what a bastard!

-he listens to cool music.

-he has eyebrows but you can't see them.

Happy Birthday little bro! I hope your day was awesome!

Dedication December: AC38

I'm happy to announce that Widows on the Dock is back in business! Dedication December will resume as planned.

These are the majority of my film school friends (I'm in there somewhere too):

So we graduated last week! Anyone who's still in post secondary should probably be jealous. Not simply because we have finished school, but also because they've completely missed out on knowing us as a collective group.

These are some of the most inspiring and supportive people I've ever met. They have helped me in ways they may never even know, and I'm going to miss them so much! But I will see them again one day!

I suggest you keep an eye on these people. A stalkful eye. Just kidding, don't do that, only I may stalk them. ANYWAY, these people are going to be crazy successful, I just know it!

Class 38, I love you and wish you all the best in your lives. Thank you all for being a part of my life for the last 12-16 months.

Dedication December: Holly

This is me and my friend Holly circa 2007:

I love her a lot. She always leaves long and rambling messages on people's facebook walls and they are always entertaining. Oh, and you know how people write on your wall on your birthday and are always leave generic birthday wishes? Well Holly is one of the few people who will customize her birthday greeting for her and that's pretty amazing. Always going above and beyond!

So one time, me and Holly dressed up as snakes and sang the song "Trust In Me" from The Jungle Book. Holly was cool enough to wear her snake costume to school, and I was gonna too but I chickened out. I mean, you can probably guess that I'm pretty shameless, so the fact that she still wore the costume when I didn't is freakin intense.

So yeah, basically, Holly is the life of the party. I love it when she lets me visit her at school and when we sit at Wendy's and people watch and feel sad for amputees. She is also among the handful of people I am excited about seeing this holiday season. I just referred to my friends as a "handful of people". I think I'm like, 45 years old right now.

Anyway, Holly is the best, and Dion Phaneuf is not the best and that is the end of that story.

Dedication December: Kathryn

This is my friend Kathryn:

Kathryn is the coolest! She's so freakin talented at everything that you ordinarily would hate her, but she's too great of a person to dislike. You can try to dislike her, but you will fail.

My favorite memories of Kathryn are when we just drive around the country roads eating candy and singing along to our ipods and laughing until we cry. That sounds like something out of a Bryan Adams song, but I swear, that's what we do!

I also like it when she tells stories, because she's so good at it! And she's so effing clever and witty.

One time, we wanted to be pretentious, so we drank wine and watched Mad Men. Then I got too drunk to drive home, so I spent the night at her place. Good times!

I haven't seen Kathryn since like... August. But I get to see her soon and I don't think you can comprehend how excited I am about that! Ahh she just makes my life so much better!

Dedication December: Jaymie

This is me and my friend Jaymie:

One thing you should know about Jaymie is that's a total sweetheart. But watch out, because she's super powerful too!

If you like me, you'll probably like Jaymie because we have a lot in common. Like, we're both from Calgary, and we have brown eyes, and in case you can't tell from the picture above, red noses.

Jaymie has many talents. She can sing and act and she can even dance! She's also really funny and caring. Like, she makes me popcorn sometimes and sings along to the music on commercials when we watch TV. Yeah, she's that awesome!

I've mentioned that I'm not entirely stoked on going back to Calgary, but I'm happy that Jaymie is coming back to Calgary with me! I hope we get to hang out lots and that our parents can become friends and we can go on vacations together! But as if that'll ever happen... my parents suck at vacations.

Dedication December: Colton

This is me and my friend Colton:

This picture is from the day Colton dressed like a lumberjack. He doesn't usually look like this, so everyone freaked out.

Colton is pretty chill. He's pretty easy going and he's really trustworthy. If you are adding to your roster of friends and considering Colton, you should use this post as a reference. You can talk to Colton about just about anything. He's also hilarious. He makes really funny jokes and we always come up with humorous hypothetical situations. Oh, and if you ever need a lunch buddy, look no further! Colton's usually down for anything. And he really likes to celebrate the holidays, which is always fun!

Colton used to be a really bad driver. That may or may not still be true since I haven't been in a car with him behind the wheel since like... 2007. But that's really the only flaw he has!

So yeah, I think it's safe to say that everyone needs at least one ginger kid in their life. If you don't have one, give Colton a try!

Dedication December: Jaclyn

This is my friend Jaclyn:

Such a babe, hey? It's not even funny. ANYWAY! I've known Jaclyn for... 12 years? Maybe more? Way to date myself.

I love Jaclyn because we always have a good time when we're together. She's always down for a party or going for drinks on a patio in the summer or driving around listening to music and making fun of the people we mutually dislike and sometimes we even wonder about the people we went to elementary school with who disappeared. P.S. If you went to Good Shepherd School in Okotoks, Alberta between the years 1996-2003 and left during that time, what happened to youuuuuuuu?

So me and Jaclyn have been friends for a really long time. In grade 6 we were obsessed with Prozzak and baked cookies that turned out horrible and had sleepovers all the time. And in grade 8 we were obsessed with Lord of the Rings. It was awesome at the time, and a little embarrassing now. Just kidding, it's still awesome now.

Not gonna lie, I'm not really stoked on moving back to Calgary this month, but knowing that her and I will be reunited makes it a little more bearable.

Dedication December: Dave

This is my friend Dave:

Not gonna lie, when I first met Dave, I thought he was creepy. And you know what? He is creepy! Creepy like a fox! But as I discovered this year, I am also creepy so we're pretty much a match made in heaven.

You will never meet anyone like Dave ever. I can guarantee that. He has this way of saying things that aren't really funny, only... he makes them funny. I can't really explain it. Just looking at his face makes me smile and some days I legit have a crush on him.

If you ever need a friend to sing songs with, Dave is your guy. And he always helps me when I volunteer to work the camera at school. I don't know why I keep volunteering... I don't know how it works and I just get Dave to do it for me. But that's the kind of guy he is... willing to do other people's work.

AND OH MY GOSH! One time, our class went to this costume/fabric store to find stuff for a project, and we found a mask that looks almost exactly like Dave. Like... it was incredible. I'm so sad that I don't have a picture of it that I could post.

Dedication December: Giselle

This is my friend Giselle (and me!):

So one thing you should know about Giselle is that she's a very talented writer. Like, people say that I'm a good writer, but she really puts me to shame. You should read her short stories sometime, they're awesome.

She also has a pretty sick sense of fashion. For reals, if you ever need a shopping partner, look no further. She's super honest and not afraid to tell you if she thinks something doesn't look good on you, but she doesn't make you feel like an ugly piece of shit while doing so. It's a perfect balance.

Oh yeah, and Giselle is also a really good listener. You can tell because she gives really good advice. Like, I rarely ever take the advice that people give me because it usually sucks, but her advice is something I actually consider. So... yeah.

You should probably all be jealous of her. And me, because I know her.

Also, you can check out Giselle's blog at http://robotteaparties.blogspot.com/.

Dedication December: Deon

Okay folks, so here's the thing. It's officially the season of giving, and I am in the predicament that most students find themselves in at this time of year... that predicament being that I have no money. So to remedy this, I've come up with "Dedication December", in which I write a blog post about a person in my life and pass it off as a Christmas present for them. It's just a simple and easy way for me to show you that I care about you this holiday season. Unless you're my immediate family... in which case you'll probably be getting a homemade card made out of construction paper and glitter.

This is me and my friend Deon:

Deon is one of my favorite people ever! Which is a pretty huge thing for me because he's from Saskatchewan and I hate people from there. Just kidding, Saskatchewanians are pretty great!

So I've known Deon for almost a year now, and it's been really exciting to watch him grow as an actor! He's probably the only guy I know that can play a bitchy high school girl and do a really good job at it. So suck on that!

I also love Deon because we can hang out and laugh at the most random things to the point of tears. People sometimes refer to us as "two peas in a pod" and I think they're right about that. We can also have long serious talks when the occasion calls for it. We definitely dig each other's senses of humor and it works out really well for us.

I can't really decide what my favorite Deon memory is. There are just way too many! But maybe it was the time I had to convince him that he was the greatest director in the theatre, and he was like, "THE THEATUH THE THEATUH!" ...yep, that was pretty great. Love you Deon!

tribute to Kirsten!

This is my friend Kirsten (and me behind the flash!):

Um, so I'd usually say something like "Kirsten is kind of amazing", but that's a lie. Kirsten is full on amazing! She legit has the best skin and teeth ever. Not even joking. And she does everything with 1000%, it kind of puts everyone else to shame.

Like one time, we had to vote on our class valedictorian, and she won. I wasn't even surprised because it seemed like such an obvious choice.

She's also a stellar organizer of things. Like, her and I are working on this calendar project, and usually I'd be like, "oh ya I'll do whatever..." but she actually makes me wanna work hard on it because I know that she'll work hard too!

And possibly the best thing about Kirsten is that she calls me randomly to tell me how amazing I am and it makes me laugh and cry and then laugh some more. Everybody needs a Kirsten! She's gonna be a big star one day so watch the fuck out!

some interesting facts about adam diMarco

This is my friend Adam:

Sadly, Adam does not have a real mustache. Perhaps one day he will. Until then, I will entertain you all with *true facts about Adam.

(*Note= not all facts may be true.)

FACT. I was in class with Adam for a whole year. Not even kidding. From August 2009-August 2010. So I've known him for 365+ days. And of those 365+ days, I managed to have a crush on him for one full day. Congratulations Adam, that's longer than most of the crushes I've had on other guys! (jkit'stheshortestcrusheverplzdon'tfeelbad). But for that one day, I felt super awkward and clumsy around him and I blushed when he'd look at me but then I got over it. It was just a phase. Adam isn't in my class anymore and it's kind of weird, but Tanaya is in my class and she is Adam's other half (or better half? YOU DECIDE).

FACT. Adam is of Italian descent in case you're blind and couldn't tell from the picture. But then I would ask you what are you doing on the internet if you're blind? No offense to blind people, but how would you be reading this? Anyway, Adam does not speak Italian, but I do! How funny would it be if I made this whole post in Italian so he couldn't understand it? And then he'd copy-paste it into Google Translate and get a broken English version of it. THAT WOULD BE HYSTERICAL.

FACT. My favorite memory of Adam is... never mind. I don't want to share it on the internet. He knows what I'm talking about anyway.

FACT. One time, Adam came over for dinner. When he got to my apartment he took off his pants and... again, I don't think I should post this on the internet.

FACT. I can't think of an appropriate Adam related story to post on my blog so I will just play an 80's style montage of Adam memories in my head. Thank you for your time.

ode to megan!

This is my friend Megan. Don't even pretend that she's not the hottest thing you've ever seen because nobody will believe you. NOBODY! Holy shit, you should hear her sing. AMAZING! But enough about Megan and more about why I like her.

Megan is possibly the sweetest girl ever. She's always willing to listen to me when I have drunk crying sessions and sometimes (and by sometimes I really mean often) we talk about our mutual friends and how much we love them and how much they make us sad when they are sad. Oh and she has a pretty impeccable taste in men, if I do say so myself.

I must share with you all what had inspired me to dedicate this post to Megan. She sent me the most epic of epic messages one could ever get. This message was entitled "How to Put Yourself Inside of Megan's Apartment". Inspired by this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW-5-1WK9dc

(at first I embedded the video into my blog, but it messed up the layout and that displeased me so I will just link you to it).

The message itself is below. It is, of course, edited because as if I'm going to post someone's address on the internet for everyone to see. Keep dreaming, potential perverts (and might I say, I've been really good with alliterations lately. GO ME!).

You'll get off the bus in front of a Safeway. DO NOT go into that Safeway; that is not where I live. I live in another place that is not a grocery store.

Cross the street towards the McDonalds. I also don't live in the McDonalds, so don't be fooled. It is merely a landmark on the journey to putting yourself inside Megan's apartment.

Keep going straight along Cardero for one block, through a little bike park. Then you will be at ________ St. Turn right. Halfway down that block is **** ________ St., which is the building I live in. It is also called ***** Manor, but despite this confusing moniker, not everyone who lives in this building is called *****. To call all people emerging from this building "*****" would result in little more than confusion and embarrassment.

The door to the building is glass, which means that it is see-through, but its transparency does not mean that you can also walk through it; to do so would be ill-advised and injurious to your health. Instead, turn your head slightly to the left of the door, where there is a buzzer and a set of numbered buttons.

You will enter the number "***" into the buzzer pad. At first this may cause some consternation, as a cursory examination of the pad will clearly indicate that it only goes as high as the number nine, let alone well into the high hundreds. But fear not! You will accomplish this seemingly impossible task by first depressing the number *, then *, then * again. (Upon reflection, you will likely realize that these three buttons combine to create the triple-digit code listed above). Once you have completed this, engage patiently while the panel activates and makes a "ring" or "tone" sound.

Shortly thereafter, you should hear a voice issuing from the panel; if you have performed the previous step correctly, that voice should be mine (if it is not, graciously excuse yourself, disconnect and repeat the above dialing process). NOTE: my voice issuing from the panel should not be taken as evidence that I live inside the panel, and to attempt to detach the panel and thus free me from my electronic prison would likely result in interference from the building management or proper authorities. Once we have confirmed each others' identities, I will press a button on my phone that will electronically unlock the outside door to my apartment. You will hear a click and a buzz, whereupon you should grasp the handle of the glass door firmly, tug it towards you and pass through the opening created, allowing the door to close behind you once you have entered.

You are now in the lobby of my building. Congratulations! Stride forcefully towards the wood-paneled door directly ahead of you (a confident walk is necessary, for elevators are sensitive and may not respond to a fearful call); take care to stop soon enough that you not collide with the door, but you will see two buttons by the side of the elevator and you must stop within reach of them. Depress the button with an arrow that points upwards.

(Pro Tip: Not sure which way is up? Take a pencil, coin or other small item; hold it extended away from your body and then release it from your hand, so that it falls. The direction opposite to the way the object falls is up.)(Be sure to retrieve your small item after you have done this, particularly if it is a coin, which can be exchanged for goods and services.)

Once you have depressed the "up" button, you should wait patiently until the doors of the elevator open. When they do, walk forward into the elevator, taking care not to collide with the back wall. Once your whole body is inside the elevator, stop and turn to face the direction from which you have just come; you will notice a panel of numbered buttons that were previously hidden from view by dint of your spatial orientation. You may feel overwhelming exhaustion at the sight of further buttons but do not be alarmed: this task is much simpler than the previous numbered buttons, as you must only press one of them.

Press the button marked "*". Momentarily, the doors to the elevator should close, and the elevator itself will begin to rise upwards with you inside of it, on its way to the *****th floor. Please note that if other people are in the elevator with you, they may disembark at other floors that are NOT the *****th floor, and you may need to use quick judgment skills to determine whether their leaving the elevator is an indication that you, too, should leave the elevator. If the elevator stops on floors *-* then, regardless of the actions of others, you should remain inside it, confident that your destination has not yet been reached.

Upon arrival at the *th floor (Pro Tip: there is a panel of number-shaped lights above the elevator door; the number which is lit correlates exactly with the floor the elevator is currently on), exit the elevator and turn to your left. Once you have done that, you will notice that a door bearing the number "***" is merely a few steps forward and to the left of you. Approach this door and knock your fist against it between two and five times (be creative!) to create a series of sharp sounds, which will alert me (on the other side of the door) that you are hoping to put yourself inside my apartment, and are only separated from your goal by the unfortunate fact of the door. I will thus endeavour to remove this final obstacle by unlocking and opening the door, allowing you entrance into my apartment, whereupon we will celebrate your success in a manner to be determined at the time.

I hope these instructions are detailed enough, and look forward to your visit!

Did you know that Megan also has a blog? Check out what she has to say at http://whichbegsthequestion.blogspot.com/!