mysteries of life: the non-existent voicemail

I've been feeling like my blog has been getting kinda stale lately, so I decided to introduce a new segment: Mysteries of Life. This is where I comment on the unexplainable happenings that occur in everyday life.

Today I'm going to talk about the non-existent voicemail. I'm pretty sure we've all received one. I'm talking about checking your phone, seeing the "new voicemail" notification, and when you dial to listen to the message, it's simply someone hanging up their phone. Why do people do this? Is my personal voicemail message so interesting that you simply must wait for it to finish before you hang up your phone if you have no intention of leaving a message? If that's the case, well thank you so much! It's not like checking my voicemail is a total pain in the ass or anything. Oh wait, it totally is! Seriously, there are so many better things I can do with my time than checking my voicemail just to hear the sound of someone hanging up. I'm not gonna lie, I probably won't do better things with my time, but that is irrelevant.

So you know what, if you are one of these people, please stop ruining everybody's lives. That's really all I ask of you.

having a crush on a teacher and how to deal with it

So, it's finally happened. You have a crush on your teacher. You're not sure what exactly set it off. Maybe it was the day they wore contacts instead of glasses and you saw their eyes for the first time. Perhaps it was the pat on the back they gave you when you aced their test. It might have even been the time they were taking off their sweater and their t-shirt underneath rode up and you saw their stomach. Whatever it was, you're in deep and whenever they say something to you, you blush and giggle like a school girl and bang your head on the locker in shame afterwards.

Fun fact about this photo:

I googled "hot male teacher" and this was the best picture that came up.

Google has failed me.

I mean, this guy isn't bad, but I had some pretty high expectations.

Well my friends, I'm here to help. My first helpful tidbit of advice is to remove any shame and embarrassment that you may be feeling. And to congratulate yourself. I mean, admitting that you have a crush on a teacher is basically like admitting that you see that person as a regular human being, and not simply just a figure of authority. I mean, this lucky object of your affection is just a regular human being after all. A human being with needs. Sexual needs. So good for you for rising above your peers and recognizing that!

And I'm not gonna lie, people will judge you for this. But as they say on the internet, "Haters gonna hate". I figure that these people are only bestowing judgment upon you to hide their own shame. You know how gay kids get bullied by closeted gay kids? It's exactly like that. They just simply have a lot of feelings and they don't know how to deal with them yet. And anyone who claims to have never had a crush on a teacher before is a liar. Simple as that.

Anyway, back to the actual teacher themselves. Now you probably don't know how to act around them! You have two basic options: 1. Owning it, and 2. Pretending it doesn't exist.

1. Owning It. This is the route I'm more likely to take. Sure, it can be risky and vulnerable, but the trick is to exude so much confidence so it seems that this shit doesn't phase you. Seriously. Be so cool about it that it even makes the teacher feel insecure.

2. Pretending It Doesn't Exist. It's the safer choice, but it's also pretty boring. Besides, you're more likely to blush and giggle at everything and you'll just give yourself away anyway.

And so, you finally graduate and this teacher is now fair game (if you haven't somehow managed to get them fired)! The question is: Do you make a move? Well, that is entirely up to you, but I would recommend waiting a few months while staying in touch. That way, the teacher-student relationship can wear off and you can start a new relationship as friends. With or without benefits. Whatever, I don't care. I can't tell you how to run your life.

Oh, and P.S. - you should maybe consider that you are probably not the first student that has had feelings for this teacher. They may or may not get this kind of thing all the time. So... be careful about that.

ask sarah segment 3

So, I regularly try to keep my "Ask Sarah" segments scheduled to occur once a month. However, within the last week there has been a high demand for another segment, and I have also experienced a large influx of questions. I'm the kind of person who likes to appeal to the majority, so without further ado, I present to you "Ask Sarah Segment 3".

This is where I take your questions and answer them to the best of my ability!

1. You get in a car accident, you live but only because of freak science experiments. These procedures have given you life again but you must live with side affects. Would you kill yourself if all you could smell or taste forever was onion and celery?

What an astounding question! The answer of course is yes, yes I would.

2. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Just about anything except for eating celery and onions. I mean, those bars are delicious. I know Josef Stalin did some terrible things, but if he said that he did it for a Klondike Bar, maybe people would be more understanding?

3. If you had to choose between having a midget child and living in Edmonton, which would you choose?

Midget child hands down! HANDS DOWN! I'd push it in a stroller throughout its whole life. I don't even care that people would stare because at least WE DON'T LIVE IN EDMONTON.

4. Do you drool in your sleep? If yes, what does it taste like?

Occasionally. Chicken.

5. What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?

I think I would have to explain to you that I am in that predicament because his daddy's gone somewhere smoking rock now in and out of lockdown; I ain't got a job now. So for you this is just a good time, but for me, this is what I call life. Mmm...

6. You see a baby in a bassinet floating down a river towards a waterfall, you run to go grab it but WAIT: WHAT'S THAT SOUND? It's two teenage kids torturing baby wolves. Both have only seconds to live. What do you do?

Whoever asked this question is a sick, sick bastard. I like to think that I would save the baby, because not saving it would be more guilt on my conscience. HOWEVER, I would also hope that the baby wolves' mother is around, and she would have her way with those teenagers.

7. If you had to nominate someone to be the next Jesus who would you choose and why?

Probably my friend Dave. He can grow a sick beard and he's got some bright ideas. He's also a carpenter. Hmm...

8. ... ... ... Cuddles?

Yes. Always!

Well, that's our show for today. I apologize for running a little late. Thanks to everyone who submitted questions. And remember, you can submit your questions for my next "Ask Sarah" segment at:

http://www.formspring.me/mirosar

sarah's hangover cures!

Studies show that the best way to avoid a hangover is by not getting one. I will pause for your laughter now. Anyway, people always ask me, "SAR-AH! How can you drink so excessively and not feel it the next day?" The truth? Years upon years of building up a tolerance. But every now and then I have one shot too many and it makes the next morning feel like the Apocalypse is near. I have my way of dealing with it, and since I am benevolent, I will share it with you.

1. Sleep. This is very important to the hangover curing process because sometimes you can be fortunate enough to sleep through the whole hangover and wake up feeling well rested and ready to party again. Seriously. Sometimes I get absolutely wasted out of my mind and fall asleep for 36 hours. But the important part is that I wake up feeling great!

2. Gatorade. I don't know what it is about this stuff, but it works. Everyone has a different flavor that works for them, but I like the blue and the red kinds the best. Sometimes purple. For the extreme party animal, I recommend a trip to Costco and buying a whole flat of Gatorade so you can have it on hand, just in case.

3. Fast Food. Your stomach will thank you for putting food inside of it. Unless you puke, in which case it's saying "fuck you". If you're feeling up to it, you should run to the nearest fast food restaurant and dig in. I took a random poll among my friends, and some of their favorite places include:

-McDonald's

-Tim Hortons

-Subway

-Pho

And I can personally vouch for all of these places.

4. Pop some Advil. Chances are you've got a pretty big headache. Well, take something for it.

5. If all else fails, make yourself throw up. If absolutely NOTHING else is helping you escape the horror of these feelings, then I guess you're gonna have to go bulimia style on yourself. I wish I could personally say that I've never resorted to it, but it has saved my ass quite a few times. It's okay, I won't judge you for it. Also, if possible, try to attempt this the night before while you are still drunk. It just... works better that way. I promise.

sarah's official dating profile!

Okay folks, so here's the deal. After a long year of soul searching and eating Peanut M&M's, I've decided to get back into the dating game. I'm sure you've all been waiting patiently for this news to be announced and are doing backflips of joy right now. You'd better be. But before you break your backs, here are some ground rules:

-I must be attracted to you from the beginning. None of this "getting to know you" bullshit. I know you can't really control my attraction to you, but having blue eyes will help (but it not always necessary).

-You must allow me to mock you and put you down at my leisure. You are welcome to return the favor but if I start crying, you should probably stop.

-You must laugh at my subtle references to my alcoholism, but never question them.

-You must not eat celery around me.

-You don't have to like Pokemon, but you must know what it is.

-You must laugh at my jokes.

-It helps if you're at least 5 years older than me. But again, not necessary.

-You must have some sort of career, or least are taking steps towards one.

-It is your responsibility to take me home from a party once I've started drunk crying.

I recommend saving this list so you can reference it at any time. Even if you're not interesting today, you could be tomorrow. Maybe...

tribute to Kirsten!

This is my friend Kirsten (and me behind the flash!):

Um, so I'd usually say something like "Kirsten is kind of amazing", but that's a lie. Kirsten is full on amazing! She legit has the best skin and teeth ever. Not even joking. And she does everything with 1000%, it kind of puts everyone else to shame.

Like one time, we had to vote on our class valedictorian, and she won. I wasn't even surprised because it seemed like such an obvious choice.

She's also a stellar organizer of things. Like, her and I are working on this calendar project, and usually I'd be like, "oh ya I'll do whatever..." but she actually makes me wanna work hard on it because I know that she'll work hard too!

And possibly the best thing about Kirsten is that she calls me randomly to tell me how amazing I am and it makes me laugh and cry and then laugh some more. Everybody needs a Kirsten! She's gonna be a big star one day so watch the fuck out!

ask sarah segment 2

Well folks, it's that time again! It's time where I take your questions and answer them to the best of my ability. Let's get down to the questions, shall we?

1. Are you a ninja or a pirate?

Definitely a pirate. I like to draw attention to myself too often for me to be a ninja.

2. When will you get your own talk show? How can I support this initiative? Should I get a red binder, a vest and start trolling the street looking for your supporters?

What a delightful series of questions! I am not really familiar with the process of getting a talk show, but if given the offer I would definitely take it. I guess the best way for you to support this initiative is to get a large group of people together and lobby any major network. Just let them know that there is a demand for me to be on TV and the rest will be up to them.

3. How come you don't bake me cakes?

Not gonna lie, I'm just lazy.

4. Would you rather be really hot or really cold?

I'd rather be really gold.

5. You're gonna answer these questions right?

Stay tuned...

Well that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for watching... I mean reading... reading. Remember, you can submit your questions for the next Ask Sarah segment here: http://www.formspring.me/mirosar

sometimes

Sometimes I wanna be a bad girl. I mean, I've been a pretty good girl and followed all the rules for my whole life... basically. Is it so bad that I fantasize about having a cocaine addiction and taking topless photos of myself and posting them on the internet? But then I'm like, "Hmm, I can't really afford another addiction." And then I remember that Playboy would pay me big money for taking topless photos, so I'll just wait until I get that offer.

I probably won't like you if:

So in case you don't know me in person, I have composed a list of things you absolutely should not do if and when you meet me. Treat this list like a Bible, and I will guarantee you that you will make a good first impression.

I probably won't like you the first time I meet you if you:

-eat celery.

-say "shedule" instead of "schedule".

-are a creeper at the bar.

-don't laugh at my hilarious jokes.

-discourage me from having a good time (aka tell me to stop drinking).

-tell me to stop drinking.

-tell me to be quiet.

-find bathroom humor offensive.

-are unattractive.

(just kidding, looks aren't everything)

-walk slowly.

-don't think my dad is awesome and hilarious.

-are difficult to understand.

-dislike Pokemon.

-dislike The Golden Girls.

-are Nicholas Cage.

-are a massive buzzkill.

-are a hipster.

-wear Ed Hardy.

-don't buy me alcohol.

-only talk about politics.

-tell me that Saturday Night Live isn't as good as it used to be.

-make some creepy sexual joke. Like um hi we just met.

-only talk about yourself.

-forget my name immediately after I give it to you.

-have a bad haircut.

-are a crying baby.

-smell bad.

-try to sell me something.

-give me your number when I didn't even ask for it.

-are smarter than me.

-are more attractive than me.

-do anything that I can easily be jealous of.

-crash into my car.

There are of course, many more things I could add to the list, but I think we'll stop here for tonight. And don't be too concerned if you don't make a good impression... I'm generally pretty good at giving people second chances.

top 5 things I will miss about living alone

So, I'm moving home pretty soon. But not in the pathetic, "I'm over 30 and I'm a failure at life" kind of way. More like the "I'm graduating post secondary at the age of 20 and need a place to stay while I start my career" kind of way. So while I've been in school, I've been living on my own. No roommates or anything, just me. All by my lonesome. And I must admit, it's been a lovely experience. So lovely, in fact, that there are many things I will miss about it, and I've boiled it down to 5 things:

1. Living in your own filth and loving it.

I swear to God I'm not a hoarder, but if I didn't have friends that came over occasionally and motivated me to clean up, I very well could be one. Disgustingness aside, it's nice not having anyone nagging you to clean your room and put your dishes away, and being able to do your tidying when you feel like it.

2. The nakedness.

Oh, how I will miss the nakedness. This might be what I will miss the most about living alone. I mean, you can probably get away with being naked while living with other people, but extreme awkwardness may ensue. In my case, I'd be faced with questions such as "Sarah, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" and "Is that a tattoo?!" ... soooo yeah I probably won't participate in such liberating activities when I move back home.

3. Doing your own grocery shopping/eating what you want, when you want.

Okay, I lied about being naked. I will definitely miss getting my own groceries more than being naked. It sucks so bad knowing that I'm going to have to back to begging my mom to buy chocolate milk and Kraft peanut butter (she keeps buying the nasty organic kind... sigh). Oh, and when you live alone, 9 am cravings for ice cream are perfectly acceptable to deal with, because nobody's around to tell you that you're sick, that you're wrong, or that you're a terrible human being.

4. No fighting over the TV.

When I'm at home, I inevitably have to fight my brother for the TV. Usually I'll want to do something badass like watch Nacho Libre or play Mario Kart 64, but he's on the TV playing the latest NHL Xbox game or watching Dexter. But living on my own, that never happens. I never have to sit through all those lame shows that my parents watch. I can play Nintendo whenever I want. Man, life is so sweet.

5. You set your own bedtime and wake up time.

Seriously. I've gone to bed at 3 am some nights (but not by choice). And I can sleep as late as I want as long as I get up in time for school. I slept for 15 hours once. It was pretty intense. I thought I had mono, but I didn't. I've been tired a lot recently though, so maybe I have mono now? What the hell is mono anyway?

super powers

I think it's a safe assumption to say that everyone wants to be able to fly or to become invisible. But those are pretty generic. If I could have a superpower, I would want the ability to freeze time. Here's why!

-So getting up at 7:00 in the morning everyday sucks, right? So what if you could freeze time at 7:00 and just go back to bed for however long you want! Then when you're well rested enough, you can get up and go about your day without the horrible feeling of fatigue! HURRAY!

-You know when you're cuddling with someone, and they're like, "I wish we could stay like this forever!" WELL NOW YOU CAN!

-So you're writing a test that you didn't study for. You're totally screwed, right? WRONG! You can freeze time, take out your textbook, copy the correct answers, and hand in your test all within one minute.

-Say you're an actor and you're at an audition and you totally bombed your first take. You could freeze time and erase your take from the camera, unfreeze time, and ask for a second take. And then the casting team is watching the audition tapes afterward, they won't remember your horrible blunder because it was erased from existence! YAAAAY!

Fuck yeah. Freezing time would be so badass. Would you still rather be able to fly or turn invisible NOW?

top 5 dad songs

When I was growing up, our family went on a lot of road trips. My dad controlled the CD player, so me and my brother always knew we'd be listening to these songs:

1. El Paso by Marty Robbins. This is a badass song from like, 1959 about a cowboy who shoots this guy for flirting with the girl that he wanted to bump uglies with. He runs away, but his love for the girl is so strong that he comes back. Tragedy ensues. About 20 years later, Marty Robbins released a song called "El Paso City" as a sequel to this song. It's worth a listen.

2. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. We all know what this song's about! ;) ;) I've never met someone who didn't like this song, or at the very least disliked making the "BUM BUM BUM" trumpet sounds whenever me and my friends drunkenly perform our rendition of it. Fun fact: I saw Neil Diamond in concert. He did this song for his encore... twice. Like, at the very end of the first time, he was like, "ONE MORE TIME!" and the music started up again. I'm all about the cliches.

3. Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn. I really don't know what comments to make on this song. I guess this was pop music at its best in the 60's.

4. Delilah by Tom Jones. We listened to a lot of Tom Jones on these trips, but for some reason, "Delilah" stands out above the rest of them. Probably because my dad would passionately sing along as if the song was happening to him (which is pretty sick. I mean the song's about killing your girlfriend after finding out she cheated on you). Other Tom Jones songs worth mentioning: "What's New Pussycat", "It's Not Unusual" and "Daughter of Darkness". Oh, and "She's a Lady". You know what, you could probably just go ahead and download (I mean purchase... purchase legally) every Tom Jones song ever. It's straight up baby making music.

5. If I Can Dream by Elvis Presley. This shouldn't be much of a surprise since my dad is obsessed with Elvis. And I don't blame him. If I was alive back in his day... oh my. I don't even want to think about all the freaky and unmoral things I would do. Damn Elvis was a hottie. Anyway, this also happens to be my favorite Elvis song. I mean, it's got a great message and you can't ask for much more than that. Other Elvis songs worth mentioning: "In the Ghetto", "Suspicious Minds", and "A Little Less Conversation".

Honorable Mention:

A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash

Take a Chance on Me - ABBA

Bicycle Race - Queen

I also want to mention that these are songs from when my dad was a child/teenager. It makes me feel weird that when I play music from when I was a child/teenager for children in the future, it's going to be stuff like Sublime, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Killers, etc. Isn't that crazy!?

sarah's hopes and dreams

I would say that I've got a pretty solid rest of my life ahead of me.

First of all, after I graduate in December, I'll be heading home to Calgary for an undetermined amount of time. While I'm there, I plan on becoming the proud owner of a teacup pig. I'm gonna carry it around everywhere in my purse just like Paris Hilton. I think I will name my pig Murphy, regardless of its gender.

Shortly after that, I'm hoping that I will have miraculously acquired enough money to return back to Vancouver (with Murphy, of course) and will attempt to make a full time living there.

Assuming that all works out, I'll open up a restaurant in Downtown Toronto. It'll probably be a Seafood Steakhouse, but we'll have some vegan options available too. It will be delicious.

After my restaurant burns down, I might be ready to start a family. I'm not really interested in parenting, but I am interested in grand-parenting, so I'll probably start on that process. It shouldn't be too hard. All I have to do is find an orphan who has a child. There's got to be a few of those around.

In case I am not ready for a family (which, let's be honest here, is very likely), I'll just spend my days writing hilarious sitcom pilots and taking Murphy out for walks.

I don't generally like the thought of getting older, but I am pretty stoked about the risk of pregnancy no longer being an issue. So yeah... I have definitely have some fun plans for my golden years.

Yeaaaah my life is gonna be so awesome!

STOP! Jon Hammertime!

Once you stop LOLing at the clever title of this post (it's okay if you haven't, I haven't stopped either), check out this photo montage of Jon Hamm.

(Still laughing at "Hammertime" btw)

top 5 deal breakers

Ladies, we all know what certain qualities to look for in a potential significant other. But more importantly, we all know what we're not looking for in a potential significant other. These qualities are known as deal breakers. Many people have the standard deal breakers, such as "I don't like a woman who flirts with other guys", or "I don't like a man who disrespects his mother". While those are very valid and important deal breakers, I tend to be a little bit more... selective with what turns me off of someone. So here are my personal top 5 deal breakers:

1. When I have to constantly explain things. It's always a buzzkill when I'm interested in someone, and they have no idea what I'm saying. I'll admit, sometimes I'm not very articulate, but I don't appreciate having to explain what certain words mean simply because they don't get it.

2. When they don't laugh at the things I laugh at. There is no possible way that I can spend my life with someone who doesn't think that 4 little people relay racing a camel isn't hilarious. I'M SORRY IF THAT MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR LAUGHING, BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL. And if you try and tell me that you didn't at least crack a smile, then you would be a liar.

3. They eat an obscene amount of celery. This may be the biggest deal breaker on my list. I understand that some people like eating celery, although I cannot fathom why. But all I ask is that they at the very least keep the celery consumption to a minimum while I'm around. Or better yet, only partake in it when I'm not around. It could be one of those secrets that couples keep from each other that makes their relationship stronger, like cross dressing and my dependency on alcohol.

4. They take everything too seriously. Basically, if I can't make someone laugh, I will immediately lose interest in them. There have been, of course, great exceptions to this.

5. They're addicted to Farmville/Mafia Wars/[insert game here]. There is just no competing with that.