excuse me while I wish an old friend a happy birthday

Happy 30th Birthday Elijah Wood!

new goal!

After fully recovering from Megan's assassination attempt, I went to Chapters. After wandering around trying to find something to pique my interest, I randomly decided that I want to publish a book of my own. I mean, if Snooki and Glenn Beck can do it, it can't be that hard. BAZING!

But what would I write about? THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS! I surely don't spend enough time in the kitchen to come up with my own book of recipes, so that's probably not a good idea.

I'm not an expert on anything, so that leaves out self-help. I value credibility in my reading material, so it would be hypocritical of me to deny my audience of it.

I'm not a doctor, so I can't write anything that will make you feel better about your health problems.

And I'd feel downright ridiculous if I started writing an autobiography or a memoir at the age of 21. Mostly because I'm not a holocaust survivor or a girl interrupted and haven't really done anything worth publishing with my life yet. That's pretty sad.

But, I could write a play! Or a novel! Or a complete compilation of poetry, featuring New Blue Toothbrush, and all of my other greatest hits! Move over Robert Frost!

But seriously folks, I have a long time to think this over. My only criteria for myself right now is that I want to be on the book cover, preferably shrugging.

Or you know, I could just stick with blogging.

conspiracy!

You know what's right messed up? I have now gotten food poisoning TWICE in the past 2 months from seafood. And let's be clear here, I know in the past I've said that I'm an advocate for puking, but I should clarify that alcohol-induced vomiting is a lot more pleasant than food-induced vomiting. So what is going on with my body? I've narrowed it down to 3 theories:

1. Someone fucked up when preparing my food. This is probably the likeliest reason. It's probably just bad luck that it happened twice in such a short time frame.

2. I'm developing an allergy to seafood. Now I hope this isn't true because it would probably break my heart a little bit. I mean, chances are it's not true, because I have eaten plenty of seafood (even sushi!) in the time since the first incident to the second, and I've felt fine. And if I am allergic to seafood, I hope that it's specifically octopus. That shit's weird.

3. Someone is trying to kill me. A lot of people read this blog, I wouldn't be surprised if some people didn't have it out for me. But if this is true, how exciting for me! Maybe I should hire my own food tester and bodyguard! ... Except it would totally suck if my food tester and bodyguard were the people trying to kill me. That would happen, because my life is like that.

Either way, food poisoning totally sucks and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Even though my worst enemy is actually celery, which is a food... which could cause food poisoning... wow.

You know what? I think I'm just gonna go to bed now...

fan appreciation day!

You guys like me, and I really like you! In special honor of the bond we have, I have changed my comment settings to allow Anonymous comments on my blog! That means that you don't need to have a Blogger or Google account to leave comments now! Yay! Now you can freely tell me how much I suck (which is a lie, I mean come on).

Thanks for making Widows on the Dock a part of your internet life!

mysteries of life: imaginary friends

I didn't have any imaginary friends when I was a child. I kind of think that the idea of having one is a little weird. I mean, I pretend that I'm friends with Betty White and Tina Fey, but that's totally different and not weird at all because those are real people.

I may not have had any imaginary friends, but my brother had a couple. One was named "Michael" and I think he was my brother's age, which was cool. But he also had this other one named "Uncle Bob" who was apparently 40 and slept under my brother's bed, which I think is totally crossing the line, as far as imaginary friends go. I'm kind of surprised that my parents didn't see the creepiness of that situation.

I can wrap my head around the fact that children often have imaginary friends, even though I did not. I can accept this as a "normal" thing. I'm all for the use of the imagination and the creation of characters, believe me. But I'm just not sure if I'd be able to encourage it happening with my own hypothetical children. Where does an imaginary friend start, and schizophrenia end? How do I know that this imaginary person isn't just some kind of spirit hoping to possess my child? How old is "too old" to have an imaginary friend?

God damn it, now I've made myself ponder all of life's tough questions.

new blue toothbrush: a poem

New blue toothbrush.

A gift bestowed upon me by my hygienist at my last dentist appointment.

Emerging from a plastic bag with a cartoon tooth on it.

Responsible for meeting my oral needs.

Foreign stranger to my mouth,

I hope we will be better acquainted soon.

Such stiff, short bristles

cause pain and irritation to my receding gums.

So much that I dread the morning and the night

when it is necessary to use you.

It simply isn't fair!

Must you be so harsh?

Can't I just get away with merely flossing regularly instead?

I am doubtful that you will ever live up to your predecessor,

old green toothbrush.

Your bristles will never be as soft.

Your grip will never be as streamlined.

Brushing twice a day used to be an absolute joy.

And now I'd much rather have gingivitis.

Old green toothbrush,

come back to me!

New blue toothbrush,

get out!

You've already broken my heart.

Please don't also break my teeth.

in the news

Sometimes, things happen in this world. Sometimes, these things get reported by the media. Sometimes, I feel passionate enough about these things to express my opinions about said things.

My beef today is with The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council for banning one of my dad songs, "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits for the threefold use of the word "faggot".

I'm not gay, and as far as I know, I will never be gay, so I don't know how much of a victory this is for the gay and lesbian community. I mean, I know and love a lot of gay people, and as far as I know, none of them have ever lost sleep over this song.

Here are the lyrics in question:

See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup

Yeah buddy that's his own hair

That little faggot got his own jet airplane

That little faggot he's a millionaire

Now, this song has been pumping in our household since as long as I can remember, and honestly, I've never once paid attention to these particular lyrics (it's way funner to sing "I WANT MY MTV!" anyway). So was completely banning it from radio play really necessary? Is it not possible to bleep out the expletives and go on with our daily lives? I mean, if this song came out in 2011, there's no way that it would've been released as a single and I doubt it would've been a big hit. But this song came out in 1985. Now, I was born after 1985 so I can't really say for sure, but I'm pretty certain that back then, political correctness wasn't a huge priority.

I'm sorry to say, but there is no such thing as a 100% politically correct person in this world. If you think that the word "faggot" (and every other slur, for that matter) is slowly disappearing, you are very much wrong. I hear slurs more often now than I did as a child, that's for sure. You can remove the n word from Mark Twain's Huck Finn, but that's not going to stop somebody from saying it.

This song is said to be reminiscent of Archie Bunker, a character from the 1970's hit TV Show All in the Family. So the fact that Dire Straits ONLY chose to use the word "faggot" is pretty amazing. The song is obviously based on a character. Characters are often based on real people. So does CBSC not believe that there are real people in the world who use the word "faggot" in reference to an effeminate man? Because there are. You've seen it happen, and so have I.

I mean, I think this song is old enough to be considered "Classic Rock". Taking this song away is probably going to anger more people than it offends.

I think what grinds my gears the most is that the decision to ban it was made after one, one complaint. Is that really all it takes to solve my problems with the music industry? Well hot damn! While we're banning things, let's get rid of Avril Lavigne because she incorrectly spells "Skater Boy". Let's get rid of Dallas Green because his music makes me want to commit suicide! And how could I forget! Let's ban the Beatles from the radio too because John Lennon was an atheist and Paul McCartney doesn't support the Seal Hunt! Oh the horror! Praise God that someone like me exists to think of the children!

But seriously CBSC, good job. By banning this song, you're making more room on radio set lists for Nickelback. Because if there's one thing we all need more of, it's Nickelback, so thanks!

my bad

So it looks like 2011 hasn't been off to a good start blogwise.

But to be fair, January is always a dicking busy month for me! I mean, my brother has a birthday, so then I get drunk, and then I have a birthday, and then I get super drunk, and then I need a whole week to recover so... you know what? After writing this all out, I realize that it's a totally shitty excuse.

In case you haven't figured it out, this entry is all about my excuses for not updating, in hopes that publicly shaming myself will inspire me to write more.

You want to know the truth? I have spent the last 2 weeks assembling a team of wild animals in order to defeat the Elite Four and become the reigning Pokemon champion! I don't think you realize how much time and thought goes into that process. However... all of my hard work has finally paid off, because as of today, I have defeated the Elite Four. HI FIVES ALL AROUND!

Don't you hate it when you do things that feel like a huge accomplishment, but in the big scheme of things, it was really just a waste of time?

Welcome back, Sarah.

top 5 stalker songs

There's been a lot of stalker talk lately. I don't condone it by any means (jk I do it all the time), but I have a fair amount of knowledge on the creepiest songs ever. So when you're sitting outside the object of your affection's house in your white van, here's a list of songs you can listen to:

1. Every Breath You Take - The Police. This is such a claaaaassic stalker song. You can't even consider it a stalker playlist if you don't have this song on it.

2. Invisible - Clay Aiken. I feel kind of bad that Clay Aiken had to start his career with this single. At some point he must've realized how creepy this song is, right?

3. I See You - Mika. Okay, I love Mika, and I love this song, but it's got a bit of a creep factor. I get it, unrequited love is supposed to be beautiful and romantic, but it just comes off as stalkery.

4. Out of My Head - Mobile. This song doesn't only give me a stalker vibe, but a little rapey vibe too. But I'll be watching you.

5. Creep - Radiohead. This is the best "I'm-not-actually-creepy-but-you-think-I am-I-just-love-you-so-much" song ever.

And there ya have it folks, Sarah's top 5 stalker songs. Happy stalking! I mean, what?

the best brother ever

How is it January 5th already and this is only my first post of 2011? What have I been doing all week? Must've been drunk.

ANYWAY. Today is not only my blog's popped cherry of 2011, it is also my brother's 19th birthday! HURRAY!

Model pose.

Congratulations on 19 years of living! I hope you have many more.

Some cool facts about Tony:

-he was born in 1992. Other people born in 1992: Frances Bean Cobain, Miley Cyrus.

-he's really smart most of the time.

-we get along better than most siblings.

-he is one with nature.

-he's good at everything, what a bastard!

-he listens to cool music.

-he has eyebrows but you can't see them.

Happy Birthday little bro! I hope your day was awesome!