don't think of this as goodbye but… well yeah it's goodbye

You probably didn't notice that it's been over 11 months since I last published anything here. That's most likely because you've been distracted by other articles, tweets, tumblrs, etc.

So have I.

The truth is that for the greater part of the last year, I've been feeling a large, forceful resistance towards being creative. I think many people go through this. At first it's like, "Oh, I'll just take a week off from writing", and suddenly that week has become a year and the guilt you feel from not writing eats away at your soul and your soul dies forever and you're doomed to watch syndicated episodes of The Big Bang Theory to fill your spare time. Oh, the horror!

Where am I going with this? Let me tell you…

I recently went on a trip to New York City. It was my first time there, and it was incredible. It was inspiring. It was everything I thought it would be and more. The funny thing about NYC is that it kind of makes you want to… write.

So here I am, bursting at the seams with the potential that I see in myself with my current outlet being… this blog.

Let's review: I created this blog when I was a 20 year old film school student living in Vancouver. I'm now 24 year old administrative assistant living in Calgary. Anyone who is consistently looking forward in their life can tell you that a lot can change within 4 years. I no longer have the time to compile lists like "Top Five List of the Most Attractive Cartoon Characters" (But let's be real, Aladdin would win). Not to say that I can't appreciate the kind of stuff I used to write about, but I've grown up. The voice I created with this blog four years ago isn't consistent with the voice I have now.

I've pretty much written a novel here at this point, but to summarize: this is the official end of Widows on the Dock. I've been toying with this decision for two weeks now, and I truly feel that this is as far as I could have come with this blog. And I think it's better to write a final goodbye than to just let a blog remain un-updated and unexplained. I'd like to thank all of my friends who've followed along over the years! There's no way I would've kept it at without your support!

So there you have it… a final farewell from Widows on the Dock. As for future writing endeavours, I can guarantee that there are things in the works.

Best Wishes,
Sarah

coming to terms with feminism

I don't consider myself to be a feminist. I mean, yeah, I care about my reproductive rights and being able to get a job and stuff, but only in the past few years have I started to listen and learn about feminism. I fully admit that I still have a lot to learn and really think about. After quietly watching from the sidelines, here are the opinions I've developed towards feminism:

1. There is a HUGE divide in opinions on sex and sexuality and it doesn't make sense. For example: A woman dressed provocatively can be seen as degrading to some women. Others will say it's empowering. There are strong arguments for both opinions. Long story short: a woman can never please everyone. See Miley Cyrus.

2. True feminism isn't just about getting women out of the kitchen and into the workplace. It's about having the right to choose to have a career, a family, or both. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a career over a baby, just as there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a baby over a career. Both are decisions that should be respected by men and women alike.

3. If a man holds a door open for a woman, and she responds with something along the lines of "I can open the door myself!"she has the wrong idea. I apologize to all of the men in the world who committed an act of politeness towards a woman to only be scolded in the name of feminism. That isn't fair. I mean, let's get real for a minute. Holding a door open for another person is something we should all be doing regardless of gender, age, or race. It's not a chivalrous crime, it's just a goddamn nice thing to do.

Again, if I may reiterate, I do not call myself a feminist. I care about feminist issues, as all women should, but I consider myself to be an advocate of respect and common sense as I see it. I don't want to spout off a list of contradictory rules and make the men in my life follow them. Look, I see the positive strides that these women are making, and I definitely appreciate and am grateful for them, but I feel like we (as in, every woman in the world) need to have a conference where we can sit down and hash out the rules we're setting up and the standards to which they will be followed. How can we expect men to treat us the way we want them to, when the way we want to be treated is so convoluted and confusing that even women have a hard time understanding it? I don't know how many times I've seen or heard a woman put down feminism, saying that feminists are crazy men-hating women and in some cases, have suggested that these women get gender reassignment surgery, since they want to be equal to men and everything. I'm sorry, but I just can't fully get on board with a movement while we're all on different pages here. I truly believe that as a collective gender, we are smart and strong enough to establish equality, but until we all agree on how to go about the fight for equality, it's going to be a one-step-forward, two-steps-back process. 

So for now, I choose to live somewhere between both worlds. In this place I can identify myself as a strong minded woman, where I can expect to pay my portion of the tab when I'm on a dinner date with a man and be pleasantly surprised when he picks up the whole bill. This heavy bag I'm carrying through the airport? I can manage it, but it's sweet of you to ask. Any future daughter of mine can wear pink because maybe that's just her favourite colour, and she can wear it without feeling like she's doing a disservice to her gender. She's allowed to play with Barbies, Lego, and Hot Wheels because those toys are awesome and appeal to her. I don't want her to grow up believing that her only purpose in life is to become a doctor or lawyer or engineer or stay-at-home-mom or working mother. I want her to grow up believing that she should explore every opportunity that is given to her and do the work that makes her happy. She wears clothes that she's comfortable and confident in. She doesn't feel like she has to wear something she feels insecure in because she was told that it would attract men, because she doesn't believe that she needs a man to make her life complete, but if she finds one that does, that's great too. I look forward to meeting him. I would hope for the exact same things for my son-in-law.

I understand that I've probably opened a giant can of worms here, and that a lot of people will probably disagree with my opinion or try to point out some hypocrisy in it, but there you have it. The cool thing about opinions is that they can change over time. Maybe us women will figure it all out one day and will stop making each other feel guilty about our life choices.

thankful

Be forewarned. The following post may get all serious and deep up in here. It may be sappy and cheesy but it's 100% true and from my heart. Now with that disclaimer, let's get an entry written up in this bitch!

I was originally planning to do a "year in review" type post in December, and I will likely do a post at the year's end complete with pictures documenting the highlights of 2013, but today's post is more of a coming of age story about my life in the past year.

You see, Thanksgiving weekend 2012 was when I started to think about making some big changes in my life. I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I was more heartbroken than I think I would've liked to admit at that time. As someone who has struggled with depression in the past, I recognized that this was a path that I could not continue on. There were some very negative aspects going on in my life and I needed to do something, anything, to change it.

Now, I don't do anything at 50%. I flipped my entire life around as much as I possibly could. I switched jobs and decided to go back to school without looking back.

At first I felt a little bit discouraged, because I still had unpleasant feelings about myself and my life (even though it was comforting to know that it would be temporary). Throughout the past few months at school, I almost felt like I was in a coma at times. I got through my days on very little sleep and felt like a zombie for most of the time. Between work and school, my social life was nearly non-existant. I eventually left my job at the end of my first semester because the course load was increasing dramatically. Fortunately, there has only been one emotional meltdown caused by finances since then.

I officially finished school on September 20. I guess you could say that I have been doing some "freelance" administrative work between then and now. Although I am currently unemployed, I'm finding my job hunt to be rather fruitful, which is amazing.

It's kind of funny how when one thing in your life starts going really well, your overall outlook on life becomes positive as well. I have the energy to work out everyday... I'm finally starting to look and feel more toned and I'm eating a lot healthier as well. I'm much happier and I feel a lot more like an adult every day. I have the most supportive and caring friends and family. These are all things I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving and I hope to carry this positivity into 2014 (it's sooner than we think!).

While in so many ways, I feel like I haven't changed, but I really and truly have grown up this year. A good friend told me back in January that 2013 would be a good year for me, and I never really believed him until now. I've made so many discoveries about life and people, such as how it is possible to end a friendship on good terms, and that only you can really change the things that make you unhappy. I've learned that alcohol can't always hide your problem. I've learned that saying "I can't do this anymore" to something that is causing you great grief doesn't make you failure. You can't help someone with their problem if they're not helping them self. Just to name a few things I've learned.

I think the next time life knocks me down, I'll just look back and remember these things. I have a lot to be thankful for this weekend.

guest post: eddie vedder

The following post was written by Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder.

ERRRRRRRRRR RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH MUUURURRRRRRRRR AHHHHHHHHH AHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR NOTHINGMAAAAAAAAAAAAN AAAAAAHHHHH YAAAAAAAYEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAA JEREMY SPOOOOOKE IN CLAAAAAASS TODAAAAAAAAAAAAY ERRRRRRRR RAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN WUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR.

Thank you Eddie. That was eloquent as always.

attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

sarah reviews the calgary flames 2013 season without mentioning actual hockey

If you're a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist, or have any other kind of career that requires you to be super smart, you may have figured out that I'm a hockey fan. Now I'm not gonna say that I'm this HUGE fan that knows all these statistics and let's be real, I can barely calculate a percentage, let alone a save percentage (FACT: math makes me cry), but I enjoy watching the game in my free time.

Let's get a little more specific. I'm primarily a Calgary Flames fan. This is probably due to the fact that I was born and raised in Calgary. These things happen. With the regular NHL season ending this week, I thought that I would "review" the Flames 2013 season without discussing actual hockey.

I'm going to go a little off track and discuss food. Some amazing creations were invented at the Saddledome this year:

This is the ever popular "Hawaiian Shaved Ice Cream". If you've ever been to Hawaii, it's basically a snowcone with a scoop of ice cream. At the Saddledome, they have a shaved ice stand, as well as ice cream stands, but no stand that mixes them together for you. You have not lived until you've combined the two.

This is the slightly not as popular "Nachcorn". Basically you put some popcorn into the cheese portion of your nachos for a savoury delight.

Another cool thing that happened this year was that I found this couch! One of the Seven Wonders of the Saddledome:

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that there are Seven Wonders of the Saddledome! Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Dutton's Pub

2. The East Entrance

3. The Magical Elevator of Love

4. That Couch (pictured above)

5. The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics

6. Press Level

7. Jay Feaster's Giant Bag of Popcorn

If you want to get the most out of your Calgary Flames experience, I suggest you become familiar with these Seven Wonders. They have been the cause of so many great inside jokes.

What else happened this year? Oh yeah, I rode The Magical Elevator of Love with Peter Maher and told him that I was gonna get drunk...I'm so awkward!

One thing that was actually really cool about this year was that I went to a Flames season ticket holder party with one of my best friends, Holly. Hands down, the best thing about that party were the chicken wings they served. Like, I know that makes it sound like the party was lame, but it wasn't. The chicken wings were just that good. I'm still regretting not putting more in my purse for later. Or asking for the recipe. Cause god damn, those were amazing. Anyway. The party was bumping. Holly and I were having a good time making fun of the dumb people we know and secretly hoping that Ken King would appear in a tuxedo wearing a monocle at any moment, when lo and behold, he did (although sadly not as well dressed as we imagined). Then the party mysteriously turned into a press conference where a lot of intense questions were asked, such as "Is Jarome Iginla getting traded?" (we were told no. Funny, right?) and "Did Mike Cammalleri get to keep the puck from the game where he scored a hat trick the other night?" (seriously lady, your question was dumb and that's why I'm making fun of you right now.) And then the scariest moment of all happened: A little boy shyly walked up to Ken King and KEN KING TOUSLED THE BOY'S HAIR. Hands down the most cringeworthy moment of the year for me, and I was at the game where the Oilers beat us 8-2... I'm just... not a fan of tousling hair. It creeps me out.

Stalker photo provided by Holly

I would also like to declare the Flames 2013 season "The Year of the Selfies".

2013 will also be the year Holly and I saw a bird flying through the Saddledome. Not sure how it got there, and we only saw it at that one particular game, but we affectionately named it "Bird" as it stole our hearts that night.

There was also a streaker. I need not say more about that.

This year, we lost Jarome Iginla. That was sad. But after the game Holly and I met up with Nikki and we watched Clueless. That was enjoyable. We also lost Jay Bouwmeester. I felt no emotion towards that. Then we lost Blake Comeau. That's been the hardest trade to deal with (no it hasn't).

This is also maybe worth mentioning:

Not sure what this means

I don't know about you guys, but I had a very successful Flames season. We may not be winning the Stanley Cup this year (no guys we are definitely not winning the Stanley Cup this year), but rest assured that change is coming and be hopeful for next year. Remember: Anything Could Happen.

Just FYI: This song sounds amazing when you sing it in The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics.

the first step is admitting that you have a problem

So I did that thing again. You know, that thing where I don't write in my blog for 2 months. At first I honestly didn't have time to, but then I did... and I filled that time with other things. Like sleeping. I sleep so much now it's ridiculous. That's not what I came here to talk about today, so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past 2 months and then get into the nitty gritty of today's post. I'm warning you, there's potential for some ~*~real talk~*~ today.

1. Hockey's back and that's great.

2. School is meh. Some days I like it, most days I don't.

3. Working lots but not too much. Saving monaaaaay!

4. Partying partying yeah!

ANYWAY

I feel like I'm learning more about myself these days than I am about office administration. Legit. Like, 2 months ago, I learned that I'm in love. You're probably thinking, how could she not know that? BUT THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! Like in Clueless. Don't laugh, but yeah I'm in love with my ex-step brother. Just kidding, I'm in love with Paul Rudd.

Best movie about my life ever

It hasn't been easy. Because I've also learned that when I like someone, I become hypersensitive to everything they say and do and they inevitably piss me off and we get into a fight. Not even joking, I've gotten into fights with like, every single person I've crushed on. I don't like that. But in the spirit of 2013 and changing for the better, I'm doing my best with it. Like, yesterday, this person said something that I COMPLETELY disagreed with, but I chose to not pick a fight about it. EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT AND I'M STILL ANNOYED ABOUT IT TODAY. But whatever, in a few days I'll either forget about it or secretly resent this person for it for the rest of our lives. Not a big deal I guess.

Oh and also, the object of my affections can never do anything right. I've seriously said to my friends, "he doesn't talk to me enough!" and then the next day I told them, "omg he talks too much!" and it doesn't even sound crazy to me when I say it. That's the most disturbing part of all of this. I have been this way with people for literally my whole life. That's 23 years of being insane and not even knowing it. I should maybe apologize to every person I've had feelings for. But I won't because that would be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. "Sorry for secretly being in love with you and having unrealistic expectations of you that you could never live up to" yeah not gonna happen.

I'm also learning that "love" is a loose definition. For most of my life, I thought that love was something that only existed when reciprocated. But fuck that. Love is anything that I enjoy spending my time with. I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love listening to Beastie Boys. I also thought that if love isn't returned, it had to be painful. But you know what? Other than when this person is saying dumb stuff and pissing me off, this person makes me very happy. And I don't even know if they love me. And it's kind of irrelevant whether they do or not. So whatever, I'm happy and shit. Rawr!

Sarah reviews 2012

Oh, hello. I didn't see you come in. No matter, now that you're here let us reflect upon the year that was supposed to be our last (thanks for letting us down, Mayans).

A lot of things come to mind when I think of 2012. Ups, downs, nausea, etc. But overall, it was a pretty good year I think. Let's break it down.

I started the year off surrounded by my closest friends:

I turned 22. That experience was so enjoyable that I think I will keep telling people that that is my age.

St Patrick's Day was probably the best night of my life. I should stop going out because no night will ever be as good. Highlight of the night (and maybe even my life): We were crossing the street on 17th Ave and this drunk guy on his bike yelled at us "FUCK YOU I'M IRISH!" then he proceeded to fly off of his bike and landed in a crumpled heap on the middle of the street. My friend Holly was like, "dude are you okay?!" and the guy was like, "yeah... just keep walking"... I realize this story probably isn't funny when you read it. I wish I had a video to show you.

Oh also, I apparently loudly told everyone, "I'm so drunk I'm actually updating my Google+" and threw a bouquet of flowers into no particular direction. I think I maybe even drunk tweeted NHL player Brandon Prust. I'm such a troll sometimes!

April was a scary time cause I got tested for cancer. But it's all good cause it turns out that I'm really good at not having cancer.

Then I went to Maui!

I was on top of a Volcano, bitches!

And almost immediately after returning home, I went to Vancouver for no other reason than to party.

Then I did something I never thought I would've ever done; I joined a gym! And get this: I'm still going to it regularly. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.

I also somehow grew some balls and made a move on a babely babe who looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt from the movie Looper.

Sadly this did not work out.

I had the pleasure of going to not one, but two weddings in July. I wore the same dress and nobody said anything.

August through October blew chunks. But it was necessary to reach that low, because it inspired me to make some big changes in my life. I switched jobs, applied to school, and I'm even starting to save up to buy my own place someday. I'm growing up, you guys, I'm really doing it!

So I'm not gonna lie, I've got some high expectations for 2013. Like, obviously I'm going to continue to reach my fitness goals. I'm also toying with the idea of getting bangs... I'm not sure yet. I'm hoping to do well in school; I've only got one year to succeed, so I'd better work hard. It's gonna be crazy, but I can't wait!

Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013 to all of you!

Love,

Sarah

Widows on the Dock

weight loss by sarah

Sorry team, I really dropped the ball on having a Halloween themed post this year. My bad, guys. HOWEVER! November 1st is a very important day for me because it marks the one year anniversary of starting a healthy healthier lifestyle. I really haven't talked publicly about my weight loss journey on my blog (mostly because I felt it would be kind of cliche...) but I feel like after a year of working hard, I should share my success and give tips to some of you who might be wondering how I exactly did it.

After one year, I have lost 40 pounds, and many inches off of various parts of my body (I'm too lazy to do the math, get off my back). Which is awkward sometimes, because it's extremely noticeable and people are always like, "oh my god, you look great" which is nice to hear and I appreciate the encouragement but I'm not good at taking compliments no matter what my weight is. ANYWAY. Enough about my success (I feel like I'm bragging), here are some of the things I did that I found really helped.

Get serious about it. If you're not motivated to lose weight, it will not happen. It's as simple as that. You have to approach it as a lifestyle change, not a temporary diet. You have to form new habits and break the destructive ones. There is no magic formula for losing weight and it truly is hard fucking work, and you have to be willing to do it.

Drink water. Like, gallons of it. This is something that every diet website/book will tell you. It's a no-brainer for weight loss. Drink as much water as you possibly can. Replace everything else you drink regularly (milk, juice, pop) with water. Also, cut back your alcohol intake. My own personal rule is to save drinking for weekends (like I could ever completely give that up). And avoid beer. Like seriously, if I have one beer, I magically gain 7 pounds over the night. Not sure how that happens but it does. Moral of the story: beer = bad for weight loss. Oh and also, double fisting is fine, as long as one of your fists has a glass of water in it.

Find a meal plan/technique/support system that works for you. Weight loss can be difficult to accomplish on your own. You definitely have to have discipline for yourself, but getting a little help from others definitely goes a long way. Some people find success with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, while some people are good enough with websites/apps that help count their calories. I'm not saying you HAVE to do these things, but if you think it will work for you, then go for it!

Make sensible choices when you go out. One thing that always frustrates me when I read weight loss articles is that the main gist of them is "Make your own healthy meals and exercise. It's that simple, LOL". At first I'm like, "thanks for wasting my time with advice that literally everybody already knows" and then I'm like, "how am I supposed to maintain my flourishing social life if I'm eating homemade meals every night?" The answer is that you're not! Trying to lose weight = never going out for dinner with your friends ever. The result is that you'll be thin but you'll also be lonely. Just kidding you guys. I SAID JUST KIDDING! If you find yourself out for dinner with friends, do not fret! Try to find the healthier items on the menu. You can probably switch your fries for a salad. If you're really worried about undoing all of your hard work, you can order an appetizer for your meal (I don't like doing this, going out for dinner is a treat, after all). Also, many Japanese restaurants will make your sushi with brown rice if you request it. It doesn't hurt to ask!

On a related note, make sure your friends know about your weight goals. One thing literally nobody tells you when you try to lose weight is that it can put some pressure on your relationships. You might find that some of your friends may press you to eat things you know you don't need (i.e. dessert).  Stay strong, amigo. Or ask to share theirs and take one bite of it and be like, "oh I'm sooooo full". 60% of the time it works every time.

Binges happen. Get over it. Every now and then you'll have a day where you indulge a little too much. Under no circumstances should you see this as an opportunity to fall back into old habits. Drink some water, get some rest and try again tomorrow.

Find the reason why you make poor eating choices. I'm talking specifically to emotional eaters. Is it stress, anger, sadness, etc? Once you've figured out why you eat badly, try to come up with some healthier ways to deal with those emotions. You don't have to share this information with anyone, but you have to be completely honest with yourself here.

Exercise. Okay. I have a lot to say about this one. Most importantly: It's okay to start slowly. I read somewhere that in order to lose weight, you have to do at least 45 minutes of intense cardio 5 or 6 times a week. That's probably true, but if going up one flight of stairs knocks the wind out of you, you're not gonna make it! So here's my own personal advice for starting an exercise regime (and I used to be like, the most inactive person ever):

• Start with something very simple and manageable such as going for walks a few times a week at night. Go for as long as whatever feels comfortable for you. Go at a brisk enough pace for you to get your heart rate going a little.
• Once you're pretty solid at walking, try doing some beginners yoga/strength training. I'm talking downward dogs, lunges, and pushups. I used the programs on my Wii Fit, but there are other exercise videos you can follow along with on the internet. I also find that many fitness magazines have step by step instructions on yoga poses/toning exercises.
• When you have some downtime, invite a friend and go to your nearest recreation centre to do some swimming or skating. Swimming and skating are my two favourite activities because they feel the least like actual work. I'm all about not doing actual work.
• Finally, when you feel like you can handle more intense workouts, consider joining a gym. Again, start slowly here. If you've never lifted weights before, ask a trainer to show you the proper form (I'm 100% serious, you can really hurt yourself if you do it wrong).

Now, I know that motivating yourself to exercise can be extremely difficult, but after a couple of weeks of doing it regularly, it starts to become part of your routine and getting yourself to the gym doesn't seem so tough anymore. Make sure you give yourself plenty of rest, and never work the same muscle group consecutively.

Plateauing is frustrating, but it's not a reason to give up. Ughhhh hitting a plateau is pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's only temporary, so keep going. I like to use a plateau as a reason to try something new, like take a dance class or something. Because why the fuck not?

Never starve yourself. Again, this is a no-brainer. Compare your body to a fire that needs a new log to be put on it every now and then. When you feel hungry, drink some water and find a healthy snack.

Listen to your body, but shut out the voice in your head. Do you ever come home from work and think, "I should workout, but I'm too tired"? If you do, don't believe yourself because THAT IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!  There is a fine line between needing to give your body a rest and just feeling lazy. That being said, it's okay to skip the gym if you're coughing up blood or shuking or feeling genuinely ill. Go see a doctor instead.

I think that's all the information I have to offer. So now it is time for my final reflection. One year and 40 pounds later, I know I still have a ways to go. But I've never been more determined in my life, and I'm completely confident that I'll be able to continue on this path towards a healthy and active lifestyle (ugh so cheesy I hate myself right now). Thanks to everyone in my personal life for all the love and support you've given me over the past year. I firmly believe that feeling good is looking good, and thanks to you, I've never looked better.

a sad realization

Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:

I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.

As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!

What I'm like when I'm sober:

Actual picture of me drunk:

Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.

Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah

1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.

2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.

3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.

4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.

5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."


It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".

But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.

cute hot handsome

So, this one time I was talking to this guy that I know and he was all confused cause this girl he liked said he was "cute" and he didn't know what that meant. I'm a good friend, so told him that she meant (SURPRISE!) that he's cute. Like duh! But I think he did not take it as a compliment (just FYI boys, if a girl says anything positive about you physically, it is a a very good thing!). So for his (ew I actually hope he never reads this) and for everyone else's benefit, I will distinguish the differences between cute, hot and handsome for all the fine gentlemen in this world.

Okay all you cutie boys, listen up! Being cute is not a bad thing at all. A girl who thinks you're cute really likes you. She's probably relatively comfortable around you, and she can bring you home to the parents knowing that they won't hate you. She likely thinks you're a little nerdy, but it's all good because she's maybe into the same things you are. And she probably thinks you're nice. Which sucks for you because that means she's more likely to be the one who ends things. HOWEVER! You are probably someone she can trust and that is awesome. And also, if a girl calls you cute, be aware that she may actually think you're hot, but she's just downplaying her feelings. A girl's gotta watch out for her feelings, y'know?

Now onto the hotties! A girl who thinks you're hot will feel similar to what I described above, but with a more intense sexual attraction. Hot guys spend a lot of time working out. Also a hot guy may be a bit of a jerk, which most girls will never admit to liking, but they do. One of the biggest downsides to being with a hot guy is dealing with all the other girls that throw themselves at him. So ladies have to be careful when dealing with a hottie. 

Holy fuck, I'm excited to describe what handsome is. Handsome is a weird mutant baby between Cute and Hot. He can be such an asshole, but he can also treat a lady right. Handsome is not something someone is generally born with, but it is strived for and earned. Most straight girls want a handsome guy. Handsome looks good in a suit, but he also looks good in a wife beater and sweat pants. Handsome has a good sense of humour. You'll genuinely laugh at his jokes but he won't go all standup comedian on you. Handsome is perfection.

I hope this guide has helped you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look at pictures of Jon Hamm...

top 5 goals for the summer

How long has it been since I've done a top 5? Jesus, it feels great to get back to my roots sometimes.

1. Take that damn advanced road test.
I swear to God, I've been saying this every summer since I became eligible for it. I mean, there's no real immediate benefit to taking it, but I just want it to be done and over with so I'll never have to think about it ever again.

2. Get creepy Madonna arms!

Oh hell yeah! PSYCH! I don't really want her arms, but I do want lean ones! And I figure that getting leaner arms is a much more realistic goal than being like, "I wanna run across Canada" (mad respect to Terry Fox but I just could never do it) or "I wanna six pack". More specifically than having lean arms, I want to be able to pick people up and throw them across the room and against the wall effortlessly. Not that I want to do that necessarily, I just want to be able to do it.

3. Spend the most amount of time in the least amount of clothes possible.
Not saying that I wanna be naked 24:7 (such a lie. who wouldn't want that?), it's just that pants are a drag.

4. Spend lots of time outside.
I am totally guilty of wasting away my summers. It's so sad! Every day I'm like, "ew, it's too hot out to do anything" or I'm just a lazy wiener who takes nice weather for granted. And then winter comes and I'm all, "WHY DIDN'T I GO OUTSIDE MORE?" My life is so tragic.

5. Be a babe every day.
Duh! This should be a personal goal for everyone forever! But seriously, if you see me in public being less than babely, feel free to smack me silly. I'm a firm believer that you should always try to look your best (especially after going out looking like ass and meeting a major babe, ugh worst day ever).

not effin cool

Blah, you guys, I gotta level with you. I'm crushing hardcore these days. And while the whole ~*~up all nite thinkin of u~*~ and the butterflies in my stomach are nice to feel after not having it for so long, it mostly bums me out. I mean, I had pretty much sworn off crushes because I was convinced that Zac Efron and I would've found each other by now. I'm not giving up on him yet, though.

You just never know.

So, this crush. Ughhh. I guess it started out normally enough. You know, you see him at work/school one day and can hardly contain your excitement about this new and exquisite find. You ask all your coworkers/classmates, "who is THAT?" making no effort to hide your obvious enthusiasm. They have no idea, and it's clear that they don't see what you see (maybe because some of them are men) but you don't care because you're insecure and HATE a chase when you've got competition.

And suddenly everything changes! You put more effort into your appearance. You freak out on a daily basis because omg no amount of concealer can hide this pimple and FML this one curly piece of hair WILL NOT STRAIGHTEN! Keep in mind that at this point you probably don't even know his name, but whatever, you've made one up for him (Stavros. Boyboy. Painter Guy.) and maybe today will be the day you drop the big "hello" on him. But it's not, you're too shy! Maybe normally you push through your shyness and talk to him anyway, but this time, it's different. This time, you want it to work out. Because faking outgoingness never worked for you before. Except for that one time that it did, and you were so terrified of your success that you ended the relationship before it really could've started. But you were younger then, and you're much more mature about things now. Except you still kind of think you're gonna puke whenever you're near this guy.

Okay, so it's a new day now. You swear you're gonna at least get his name today. And you do! You overhear him introduce himself (the name you picked for him wasn't even close FYI) so now you're all excited and tell all of your friends about him! They want to know what he looks like, so you discreetly snap a picture with your phone but because you had to be subtle it's all dark and blurry. Or you go into the public school files and find his class picture and print it out (I didn't do this. Only creepy people do this). Your friends text you, "oh he's a cutie patio tie" (because autocorrect doesn't recognize patootie) even though you know they have no idea what they're looking at. And in some sort of twisted irony, you notice some guy exhibiting this kind of behaviour towards you but you brush him off as some creep.

One day, your babe gets a haircut. You HATE it more than ANYTHING and begin to question all of the choices you've made in life.

But after a couple of days, you're over it. It's just a haircut, and you're not that shallow. However, you're now in an uncomfortable place because you've seen each other around for quite a while now, yet you've never been properly introduced. It'd be too awkward to ask him what his name was now (even though you already know it) because you really should've asked him when you first saw him. So now you start fantasizing about how to initiate conversation with him in a way that seems natural. I like to somehow figure out a way to show off one of my hidden talents in these daydreams. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to naturally bring up how good I am at stalking people on the internet, but maybe you'll have better luck.

So one day you're on your lunch break, and so is he. But he's with a woman. This woman is not you. And you just fly off the handle (internally, of course). You're at your table, trying not to stare, holding back tears, crying into your salad, tweeting about how sad you are. You used to joke around about how depressing this song was, but now that song has become your life! You are miserable about it for the rest of the day. You loathe that woman. Upon closer inspection, you realize that she's much older than he is and is probably his mom or something. You still hate her, though.

Now you're going on vacation, yay! You need a distraction in the worst way. You ask your friends to keep an eye on him for you (just kidding! But not really!) and they do. Maybe too much of an eye. You come back and they have a collection of short stories for you. You love it! But you still have no idea how to talk to this guy. Maybe one day you'll just run into him and be cool enough to be all, "I think you're a babe". Maybe. We can only hope.

And maybe, one day you'll be clubbing with your friends and omg he's there too! You point him out to your friends and they're all, "go talk to him!" but the common theme in this story has been that you're too chicken shit to say anything to him, so instead you choose to "casually" get into his eye sight and see if he notices you. He looks at you for a few moments, but he recognizes you! YAY! Unfortunately, it's too loud to hear what he's saying so you just smile and nod until your friends decide it's time to go. Sigh.

And then you read this whole story and realize that it's not really surprising that your crushes become nothing more than crushes. Maybe the next time will be different.

leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

a few things

So, remember when I posted a babe parade in hopes that I would be inspired to write more? Yeah... that didn't happen.

HOWEVER!

I'm blogging live from Maui, Hawaii. In the U S of A. And that's pretty cool. I have included a map of Maui in this post for your viewing pleasure.

I'm also pretty sure I saw a guy with leprosy yesterday. It made me feel many things, mostly sad and scared. :(

Babeapalooza 2012

These are some of the hotties I look at when I need some, uh, inspiration.

 (for Kim)

 I couldn't decide between Steve Buscemi and Elijah Wood, so I chose both at the same time.

 "So what who cares?"

An open letter from 21 year old sarah to 22 year old sarah

Dear 22 year old Sarah,

Hey. It's me, 21 year old Sarah. I know you don't exist yet, but in a few hours you will. And also in a few hours, I will exist no more. And that's okay. But before I become a mere memory of your youth, I have a few favors to ask of you.

1. Please stop wearing sweatpants in public. Like seriously. I mean, it's okay if you're working out or if you're hungover or just hanging out at home, but you're 22 now. You're not even in college anymore. It's just getting ridiculous.

2. Don't freak out over your career(s) or lack thereof. It's really no big d and if you want to go back to school eventually, that's cool, but if not, you're still young and have time to think about it!

3. Continue being babely. I've already set the groundwork for you. You just have to keep it up! Keep dropping the pounds and wearing those pants that make your ass look amazing. And for Christ's sake, take the fucking compliment when you're given one! You look awesome and it can only get better from here! Oh and also, if you think a babely babe might be flirting with you, you should definitely flirt back.

4. Grow your hair out, but don't dye it blond. The 20 year old version of us really screwed us over and bleached her hair, pretty much forcing me to have to get it all cut off. Please don't make that mistake again.

5. Take more trips. You need to go. Anywhere. Everywhere.

6. When you go to a store and don't see what you need, ask for help. Don't be so proud.

7. The awkwardness. Tone it down. One of these days that won't be so cute anymore. Stand your ground, get a grasp on what you need to say, and fucking say it.

8. Stop being so shy! If you wanna meet cool people, you're gonna have to stop being shy! Being a good listener will only get you so far.

9. Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't get pulled into the insanity cycle by making the same mistakes over and over. Some people don't deserve second chances and it's up to you to decide whether or not you should give them one. Choose wisely.

10. Continue to love yourself, and love those who love you. Don't treat your family like shit. Not that I necessarily did, but they will be your only lifeline on those days where you feel like you have nothing.

Overall 22 year old Sarah, I was good. I started off not so great, but then I got better, but then I sucked, but I turned it around at the end and it's all good! I know you will be better though. If you just keep at it, you'll have the best year you've ever had. I wish you all the best.

Love,
21 year old Sarah

happy holidays vs merry christmas

So this debate pops up every holiday season. You know the one I'm getting at. Basically, people who celebrate Christmas get all butt-hurt when someone wishes them "Happy Holidays", and people who don't celebrate Christmas cry when they get wished a "Merry Christmas".

You didn't ask for my opinion, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway: Both sides of the debate are stupid.

HAPPY WHO GIVES A FUCK!

Here's the deal, if someone says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays", chances are they're not doing it to intentionally piss you off. In fact, they don't have to wish you a merry or a happy anything. It's really no different from someone saying, "Have a nice day". So shut the fuck up, say thank you, and move on. If you're gonna get all bent out of shape over something, anything, don't let it be this. It just makes you look like an oversensitive douchebag. Have a nice day.

happiness runs in a circular motion

Don't you find being depressed severely overrated?

I'm not gonna lie, last month I was absolutely miserable - and also a complete cliche. I'm sure you know how it goes; the crying every night, having no will whatsoever to get up in the morning, trying to live your life vicariously through movies about people who are awesome. Oh, and of course the hardest part of all this is trying to phrase a Facebook status that is a subtle cry for help without being all, "WAAAH MY LIFE SUCKS, FEEL SORRY FOR ME!"

But fuck it! That was last month and things are pretty awesome now! I started a new diet, and I've lost 10 pounds already! How sexy is that? I've actually started to rebuild my social life, so I don't get nearly as bored as I used to! And I even met a hot babe this month! I can't really go into much detail about that, but whatever, he was damn fine and a new crush is just what I need to get over an old one!

So basically, the moral of my story is that if you're not content with you're life, you're the only one who can change it. And you can change it quickly! Start asking people if they want to hang out, start eating healthier, and stop feeling sorry for yourself! It's exhausting and aging you terribly! You know who you are!