ask sarah segment 1

You may be wondering where I've been lately. You probably assumed that I puked myself to death. But you would be wrong! I'm merely only suffering from writer's block. So ladies and gentlemen, I thought I would introduce an "Ask Sarah" segment to my show....... I mean blog.... blog. This is where I tackle all the hard hitting questions that teens have today. Man, I wish I had my own talk show and did this everyday.

1. What did you eat for breakfast today?

That's a very excellent question. The time is currently 11:05 AM, and I haven't had breakfast yet. I'm thinking about making some scrambled eggs, but toast is also an option. I'll have to get back to you on this.

2. What's your earliest memory?

Well, I guess I'd have to say the day my brother was born. Or maybe that was a dream...

3. If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?

Wow, what a great question! I don't know much about the naming process of yachts, but I imagine the name would have something to do with puking or multiples of 5.

4. Have you ever broken any bones? If so, how?

No.

5. If you could only watch one TV show, what would it be?

This is the dumbest question ever. If I could only watch one TV show, I would sell my TV and go on the internet. Dumbass.

I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for participating in today's show! Tune in next time where I answer even more of your great questions!

If you'd like to submit a question, then head on over to http://www.formspring.me/mirosar

top 5 awkward moments of my life so far

In no particular order.

1. I was in my grade 12 social class, spacing out and chewing gum like a lazy motherfucker with my mouth open, and the gum fell out of my mouth and onto the floor. My initial reaction was sheer embarrassment, and I frantically looked around to see if anyone near me saw it. Nobody did. But the shame never went away and I carry it around with me everyday.

2. Again in grade 12, my parents took me and my brother to see Borat. Which is like, one of the most awkward movies you could watch with your parents, but my parents are pretty cool so that was fine. But it was kind of lame being 16 and going to a movie with your mom and dad and little brother. The worst part of this experience was when the movie was over me and my mom waited outside of theatre 8 because my dad and brother were using the washroom. This guy that I was hardcore crushing on came out of the theatre with his friends and omg I died. The next school day when he saw me he was like, "Did your parents like the movie?" omg I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

3. Last Christmas, I flew home from Vancouver to Calgary. I was using the self check in machine and I must've looked confused because a nice WestJet employee came over to help me. When my boarding pass had been printed, she turned to me and said, "have a nice flight!" I then replied with, "you too!" I should've just played off that faux pas (awesome word) like it was nothing, but I realized my horrible mistake and immediately said, "OH NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" The employee was super cool about it though. She was like, "oh honey, I wish I was flying today!" and then I smiled and ran away. I wish I could be as cool as her.

4. On Sunday, we were having our big family Thanksgiving dinner. I proudly walked into my aunt and uncle's kitchen where my extended family was and gave my best, most flamboyant "HAAAAAY!" expecting them to laugh or even say "HAAAAY" back to me. Nobody said anything. They all stared.

5. When I was 18, me and my mom made plans to go see a play at Stage West in Calgary. In case you don't know what that is, it's this kind of dinner theatre production company. So me and my mom had our dinner, and then the show started. Halfway through the show, I puked. I awkwardly and silently ran to the bathroom and continued puking for like, 10 minutes. When I thought it was done (keyword thought), I got some paper towel and tried to wipe the puke off my sweater. This is where it got super awkward. I was in the middle of trying in vain to clean myself up, when this old lady came into the washroom. She looked at me and was like, "did you spill?" and I was like, "no I threw up", and there was a REALLY REALLY LONG PAUSE and she was like, "that's a shame." and ran out. Some other fun facts about that night: Everything I ate came out in reverse order. I puked in a bucket in the backseat of my car for the whole ride home, and then I eventually started puking blood. Yep, great night.

5 people I fantasize about

1. Tina Fey.

Tina is my ultimate girl crush and main source of inspiration. I think she's actually getting hotter over time. I mean, girlfriend turned 40 this year, and look at her. I really hope that I get to work with her someday because I know that we will be bffs. Then one night I'll invite her over for dinner and we'll sit on my couch sipping wine and there will be a tender moment and then I will kiss her. She will pull away abruptly and I'll have to make some excuse about not meaning it and things will be awkward forever. Yep, that's gonna happen.

2. Matthew Lombardi

Once upon a time, Matthew Lombardi was a hockey player who played for the Calgary Flames. I would attend these games and gaze upon the man who was pure sex on ice. Back in 2009, he got traded to the Phoenix Coyotes and I locked myself in my room for a week and cried. Not joking, I really did. Secretly I still pretend that he plays for the Flames, and I have hope that Daryl Sutter will get him to come back. Matthew Lombardi taught me that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all ~*~.

3. Elijah Wood

This takes me back to when I was 12. I used to pretend that I was gonna marry him and have his hobbit babies. At my 13th birthday party me and my friends rented a bunch of his movies and watched them. Including Flipper. Especially Flipper. Great film. Anyway, I haven't stalked Elijah much in my adult life, but if the opportunity came up, I would totally still take it. I owe it to my preteen self.

4. Jane Lynch

So, I really don't like Glee. I think it's the most irritating show on TV right now, but that's a rant for another day. I keep torturing myself by watching Glee every week because of Jane Lynch. I'm not exactly sure what it is about her, but I do know that her smile melts my heart.

5. Aladdin. No explanation necessary.

things I am obsessed with

1. Lists. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE lists. I make at least one list every day. Lists of chores, lists of groceries, lists of reasons why I love the people I crush on. EVERYTHING. When I was little I had a whole notebook dedicated to listing things that I loved and hated. I'm am seriously OCD about lists and nothing gives me more pleasure than crossing things off of to do lists.

2. Messy Buns. I have to credit my bff Garrett for this. I am not a fortunate enough person to be able to get away with waking up in the morning and not doing my hair. Sometimes I just don't wanna wash my hair in the morning (gross right?) so I just throw my hair up into a messy bun and go on with my day! The beauty about a messy bun is that there is no wrong way to do it. And believe me ladies, the more hair that falls out of it, the better you will look.

3. Puking. I know this makes me sound like I'm bulimic, but trust me, I'm not. It's not like I walk around TRYING to puke, cause I don't. It's just that all of my best stories end with me puking. My favorite puking story happened a few years ago. I was pretty wasted (understatement of the year) and my dad brought me home from the bar and I immediately ran to the bathroom and spent like an hour puking. Then I demanded my mother to fetch me a glass of water. Apparently she was taking too long because I ended up producing an invisible glass full of invisible water and started invisibly drinking it. I then convinced my parents that my own water was the best water I've ever had and it was a shame that I was not willing to share it. That's right folks, I puked so much that I hallucinated water.

4. Multiples of Five. I cannot stress how much I love multiples of five (in case you can't do math, a multiple of five is any number that ends with a 5 or 0). When I watch TV, I NEVER have the volume set to a number that isn't a multiple of five. Sometimes I'll be like, "If I have one more cocktail, that will make it an even five for me!" and then my friends are like, "SAR-AH! Five isn't an even number!" but little do they know... that it's even for me.

5. NBC. I'm not really that obsessed with NBC, but I like NBC and I wanted this list to be an even five.

things to be thankful for

The season of Thanksgiving is upon us, and I must say that it is quite possibly my favorite holiday. I mean, Christmastime is rad and all, but it goes on for like 2 months and I'm not ready to get back into my life routine until like, January 15th. Thanksgiving is awesome because it's just a weekend and that is just the amount of time I need to spend with my family before I start hating them. Enough about that shit, today I'm going to list the things I am thankful for.

1. Betty White. If there's one thing the world needs, it's more Betty White. She may look like a precious old lady but we all know that she's a pistol. I want to adopt this woman as my third grandmother. If I make it to 88 and am half as badass as she is, I'll consider myself pretty lucky.

2. All the sexy people I know. There are seriously WAAAAAAAAY too many to list, but they probably know who they are.

3. Peanut M&M's. If M&M's were WWII, Almond M&M's would be the Nazi's and Plain M&M's would be the Jews. Peanut M&M's would be the Allies and... I'd want to eat that war.

4. The fact that I only puked twice this year! Oh wait... maybe three times. I don't even know.

5. Great music came out this year! Sadly horrible music came out this year too... but a lot of it was great!

6. As of tonight, the 2010-2011 NHL Season is underway!

...That's it.

why being tanaya is so hard

This is my friend Tanaya:

Her life is pretty rough. First of all, everyone thinks she's mysterious but she's really not. She's just another lonely soul looking for a good time. It's really a shame that nobody understands her. Also, everyone mispronounces her name and it's really annoying. I don't know why people fail so hard at saying her name properly, it's pronounced exactly the way it's spelled. Just like Canada. I hate when people say Canada weird, like they're trying to make it sound like some fun exotic place. Yeah, Canada is pretty super bitchin but you can't get away with talking like that here. I'm just kidding, you totally can.

Tanaya is always losing her things. Like today, she left her backpack in the classroom so we had to go back there during lunch hour to find it. It wasn't where she left it so that sucked. Luckily she got it back, but still. The fact that it even happened in the first place was pretty unfortunate.

You should also know that she is a scorned student/jilted lover. I won't go into much detail about that on the internet, but I feel that it should be mentioned.

And she hangs around with this weird kid named Adam. He's okay I guess, but I'm pretty sure he abuses her. I once saw him put bleach in her tea when she wasn't looking. She's in a coma now, and that's why I decided to write about how hard her life is.

ducklips

Ladies, you've all done it. Someone pulls out a camera on your night out and at the last minute you have to strike a pose. Whatever will you do? The answer is simple, you pucker your lower lip and curl your upper lip to your nose. The results: ducklips.

Guys seem to have huge hate ons for ducklips. I for one, am a fan. When I'm out with my girls getting sloshed and leading unattractive people on and the camera comes out, I resort to two classic photo techniques; angle pictures and ducklips. Why? Because I'm obviously a party girl! Besides, smiling nicely in pictures is too risky. Everytime I smile like society tells me how I should, a plethora of anxieties overcome me. Am I showing too much gum? Am I squinting too much? Will my phantom lazy eye make an appearance in this photo? Will I sneeze at the last minute? Will this photo go on the internet and greatly reduce the chances of me getting laid?

When I pose with ducklips, these worries don't haunt me as much. I am willing to sacrifice looking like an intelligent young woman rather than be that girl with the weird eye thing. It kind of works out because guys don't really like smart girls anyway. I've been smart my whole life and it hasn't really worked out for me, relationship wise.

I'm going to be getting headshots done soon, and you know how I think I'm gonna pose for them? ducklips and tits pushed together. I want employers to know that I'm a party girl, and not a smart girl!

Ladies, we must fight for our right to ducklip, because it is being threatened every minute, every hour, and every day. Men around the world are campaigning against our default party faces. They must be stopped. If you love your ducklips, show them to world. With no shame or remorse. Have nothing but pride for them. Ducklip your way to the top of the world!