not effin cool

Blah, you guys, I gotta level with you. I'm crushing hardcore these days. And while the whole ~*~up all nite thinkin of u~*~ and the butterflies in my stomach are nice to feel after not having it for so long, it mostly bums me out. I mean, I had pretty much sworn off crushes because I was convinced that Zac Efron and I would've found each other by now. I'm not giving up on him yet, though.

You just never know.

So, this crush. Ughhh. I guess it started out normally enough. You know, you see him at work/school one day and can hardly contain your excitement about this new and exquisite find. You ask all your coworkers/classmates, "who is THAT?" making no effort to hide your obvious enthusiasm. They have no idea, and it's clear that they don't see what you see (maybe because some of them are men) but you don't care because you're insecure and HATE a chase when you've got competition.

And suddenly everything changes! You put more effort into your appearance. You freak out on a daily basis because omg no amount of concealer can hide this pimple and FML this one curly piece of hair WILL NOT STRAIGHTEN! Keep in mind that at this point you probably don't even know his name, but whatever, you've made one up for him (Stavros. Boyboy. Painter Guy.) and maybe today will be the day you drop the big "hello" on him. But it's not, you're too shy! Maybe normally you push through your shyness and talk to him anyway, but this time, it's different. This time, you want it to work out. Because faking outgoingness never worked for you before. Except for that one time that it did, and you were so terrified of your success that you ended the relationship before it really could've started. But you were younger then, and you're much more mature about things now. Except you still kind of think you're gonna puke whenever you're near this guy.

Okay, so it's a new day now. You swear you're gonna at least get his name today. And you do! You overhear him introduce himself (the name you picked for him wasn't even close FYI) so now you're all excited and tell all of your friends about him! They want to know what he looks like, so you discreetly snap a picture with your phone but because you had to be subtle it's all dark and blurry. Or you go into the public school files and find his class picture and print it out (I didn't do this. Only creepy people do this). Your friends text you, "oh he's a cutie patio tie" (because autocorrect doesn't recognize patootie) even though you know they have no idea what they're looking at. And in some sort of twisted irony, you notice some guy exhibiting this kind of behaviour towards you but you brush him off as some creep.

One day, your babe gets a haircut. You HATE it more than ANYTHING and begin to question all of the choices you've made in life.

But after a couple of days, you're over it. It's just a haircut, and you're not that shallow. However, you're now in an uncomfortable place because you've seen each other around for quite a while now, yet you've never been properly introduced. It'd be too awkward to ask him what his name was now (even though you already know it) because you really should've asked him when you first saw him. So now you start fantasizing about how to initiate conversation with him in a way that seems natural. I like to somehow figure out a way to show off one of my hidden talents in these daydreams. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to naturally bring up how good I am at stalking people on the internet, but maybe you'll have better luck.

So one day you're on your lunch break, and so is he. But he's with a woman. This woman is not you. And you just fly off the handle (internally, of course). You're at your table, trying not to stare, holding back tears, crying into your salad, tweeting about how sad you are. You used to joke around about how depressing this song was, but now that song has become your life! You are miserable about it for the rest of the day. You loathe that woman. Upon closer inspection, you realize that she's much older than he is and is probably his mom or something. You still hate her, though.

Now you're going on vacation, yay! You need a distraction in the worst way. You ask your friends to keep an eye on him for you (just kidding! But not really!) and they do. Maybe too much of an eye. You come back and they have a collection of short stories for you. You love it! But you still have no idea how to talk to this guy. Maybe one day you'll just run into him and be cool enough to be all, "I think you're a babe". Maybe. We can only hope.

And maybe, one day you'll be clubbing with your friends and omg he's there too! You point him out to your friends and they're all, "go talk to him!" but the common theme in this story has been that you're too chicken shit to say anything to him, so instead you choose to "casually" get into his eye sight and see if he notices you. He looks at you for a few moments, but he recognizes you! YAY! Unfortunately, it's too loud to hear what he's saying so you just smile and nod until your friends decide it's time to go. Sigh.

And then you read this whole story and realize that it's not really surprising that your crushes become nothing more than crushes. Maybe the next time will be different.

leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

a few things

So, remember when I posted a babe parade in hopes that I would be inspired to write more? Yeah... that didn't happen.

HOWEVER!

I'm blogging live from Maui, Hawaii. In the U S of A. And that's pretty cool. I have included a map of Maui in this post for your viewing pleasure.

I'm also pretty sure I saw a guy with leprosy yesterday. It made me feel many things, mostly sad and scared. :(

Babeapalooza 2012

These are some of the hotties I look at when I need some, uh, inspiration.

 (for Kim)

 I couldn't decide between Steve Buscemi and Elijah Wood, so I chose both at the same time.

 "So what who cares?"

An open letter from 21 year old sarah to 22 year old sarah

Dear 22 year old Sarah,

Hey. It's me, 21 year old Sarah. I know you don't exist yet, but in a few hours you will. And also in a few hours, I will exist no more. And that's okay. But before I become a mere memory of your youth, I have a few favors to ask of you.

1. Please stop wearing sweatpants in public. Like seriously. I mean, it's okay if you're working out or if you're hungover or just hanging out at home, but you're 22 now. You're not even in college anymore. It's just getting ridiculous.

2. Don't freak out over your career(s) or lack thereof. It's really no big d and if you want to go back to school eventually, that's cool, but if not, you're still young and have time to think about it!

3. Continue being babely. I've already set the groundwork for you. You just have to keep it up! Keep dropping the pounds and wearing those pants that make your ass look amazing. And for Christ's sake, take the fucking compliment when you're given one! You look awesome and it can only get better from here! Oh and also, if you think a babely babe might be flirting with you, you should definitely flirt back.

4. Grow your hair out, but don't dye it blond. The 20 year old version of us really screwed us over and bleached her hair, pretty much forcing me to have to get it all cut off. Please don't make that mistake again.

5. Take more trips. You need to go. Anywhere. Everywhere.

6. When you go to a store and don't see what you need, ask for help. Don't be so proud.

7. The awkwardness. Tone it down. One of these days that won't be so cute anymore. Stand your ground, get a grasp on what you need to say, and fucking say it.

8. Stop being so shy! If you wanna meet cool people, you're gonna have to stop being shy! Being a good listener will only get you so far.

9. Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't get pulled into the insanity cycle by making the same mistakes over and over. Some people don't deserve second chances and it's up to you to decide whether or not you should give them one. Choose wisely.

10. Continue to love yourself, and love those who love you. Don't treat your family like shit. Not that I necessarily did, but they will be your only lifeline on those days where you feel like you have nothing.

Overall 22 year old Sarah, I was good. I started off not so great, but then I got better, but then I sucked, but I turned it around at the end and it's all good! I know you will be better though. If you just keep at it, you'll have the best year you've ever had. I wish you all the best.

Love,
21 year old Sarah

happy holidays vs merry christmas

So this debate pops up every holiday season. You know the one I'm getting at. Basically, people who celebrate Christmas get all butt-hurt when someone wishes them "Happy Holidays", and people who don't celebrate Christmas cry when they get wished a "Merry Christmas".

You didn't ask for my opinion, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway: Both sides of the debate are stupid.

HAPPY WHO GIVES A FUCK!

Here's the deal, if someone says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays", chances are they're not doing it to intentionally piss you off. In fact, they don't have to wish you a merry or a happy anything. It's really no different from someone saying, "Have a nice day". So shut the fuck up, say thank you, and move on. If you're gonna get all bent out of shape over something, anything, don't let it be this. It just makes you look like an oversensitive douchebag. Have a nice day.

happiness runs in a circular motion

Don't you find being depressed severely overrated?

I'm not gonna lie, last month I was absolutely miserable - and also a complete cliche. I'm sure you know how it goes; the crying every night, having no will whatsoever to get up in the morning, trying to live your life vicariously through movies about people who are awesome. Oh, and of course the hardest part of all this is trying to phrase a Facebook status that is a subtle cry for help without being all, "WAAAH MY LIFE SUCKS, FEEL SORRY FOR ME!"

But fuck it! That was last month and things are pretty awesome now! I started a new diet, and I've lost 10 pounds already! How sexy is that? I've actually started to rebuild my social life, so I don't get nearly as bored as I used to! And I even met a hot babe this month! I can't really go into much detail about that, but whatever, he was damn fine and a new crush is just what I need to get over an old one!

So basically, the moral of my story is that if you're not content with you're life, you're the only one who can change it. And you can change it quickly! Start asking people if they want to hang out, start eating healthier, and stop feeling sorry for yourself! It's exhausting and aging you terribly! You know who you are!