a sad realization

Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:

I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.

As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!

What I'm like when I'm sober:

Actual picture of me drunk:

Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.

Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah

1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.

2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.

3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.

4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.

5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."


It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".

But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.

cute hot handsome

So, this one time I was talking to this guy that I know and he was all confused cause this girl he liked said he was "cute" and he didn't know what that meant. I'm a good friend, so told him that she meant (SURPRISE!) that he's cute. Like duh! But I think he did not take it as a compliment (just FYI boys, if a girl says anything positive about you physically, it is a a very good thing!). So for his (ew I actually hope he never reads this) and for everyone else's benefit, I will distinguish the differences between cute, hot and handsome for all the fine gentlemen in this world.

Okay all you cutie boys, listen up! Being cute is not a bad thing at all. A girl who thinks you're cute really likes you. She's probably relatively comfortable around you, and she can bring you home to the parents knowing that they won't hate you. She likely thinks you're a little nerdy, but it's all good because she's maybe into the same things you are. And she probably thinks you're nice. Which sucks for you because that means she's more likely to be the one who ends things. HOWEVER! You are probably someone she can trust and that is awesome. And also, if a girl calls you cute, be aware that she may actually think you're hot, but she's just downplaying her feelings. A girl's gotta watch out for her feelings, y'know?

Now onto the hotties! A girl who thinks you're hot will feel similar to what I described above, but with a more intense sexual attraction. Hot guys spend a lot of time working out. Also a hot guy may be a bit of a jerk, which most girls will never admit to liking, but they do. One of the biggest downsides to being with a hot guy is dealing with all the other girls that throw themselves at him. So ladies have to be careful when dealing with a hottie. 

Holy fuck, I'm excited to describe what handsome is. Handsome is a weird mutant baby between Cute and Hot. He can be such an asshole, but he can also treat a lady right. Handsome is not something someone is generally born with, but it is strived for and earned. Most straight girls want a handsome guy. Handsome looks good in a suit, but he also looks good in a wife beater and sweat pants. Handsome has a good sense of humour. You'll genuinely laugh at his jokes but he won't go all standup comedian on you. Handsome is perfection.

I hope this guide has helped you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look at pictures of Jon Hamm...

top 5 goals for the summer

How long has it been since I've done a top 5? Jesus, it feels great to get back to my roots sometimes.

1. Take that damn advanced road test.
I swear to God, I've been saying this every summer since I became eligible for it. I mean, there's no real immediate benefit to taking it, but I just want it to be done and over with so I'll never have to think about it ever again.

2. Get creepy Madonna arms!

Oh hell yeah! PSYCH! I don't really want her arms, but I do want lean ones! And I figure that getting leaner arms is a much more realistic goal than being like, "I wanna run across Canada" (mad respect to Terry Fox but I just could never do it) or "I wanna six pack". More specifically than having lean arms, I want to be able to pick people up and throw them across the room and against the wall effortlessly. Not that I want to do that necessarily, I just want to be able to do it.

3. Spend the most amount of time in the least amount of clothes possible.
Not saying that I wanna be naked 24:7 (such a lie. who wouldn't want that?), it's just that pants are a drag.

4. Spend lots of time outside.
I am totally guilty of wasting away my summers. It's so sad! Every day I'm like, "ew, it's too hot out to do anything" or I'm just a lazy wiener who takes nice weather for granted. And then winter comes and I'm all, "WHY DIDN'T I GO OUTSIDE MORE?" My life is so tragic.

5. Be a babe every day.
Duh! This should be a personal goal for everyone forever! But seriously, if you see me in public being less than babely, feel free to smack me silly. I'm a firm believer that you should always try to look your best (especially after going out looking like ass and meeting a major babe, ugh worst day ever).

not effin cool

Blah, you guys, I gotta level with you. I'm crushing hardcore these days. And while the whole ~*~up all nite thinkin of u~*~ and the butterflies in my stomach are nice to feel after not having it for so long, it mostly bums me out. I mean, I had pretty much sworn off crushes because I was convinced that Zac Efron and I would've found each other by now. I'm not giving up on him yet, though.

You just never know.

So, this crush. Ughhh. I guess it started out normally enough. You know, you see him at work/school one day and can hardly contain your excitement about this new and exquisite find. You ask all your coworkers/classmates, "who is THAT?" making no effort to hide your obvious enthusiasm. They have no idea, and it's clear that they don't see what you see (maybe because some of them are men) but you don't care because you're insecure and HATE a chase when you've got competition.

And suddenly everything changes! You put more effort into your appearance. You freak out on a daily basis because omg no amount of concealer can hide this pimple and FML this one curly piece of hair WILL NOT STRAIGHTEN! Keep in mind that at this point you probably don't even know his name, but whatever, you've made one up for him (Stavros. Boyboy. Painter Guy.) and maybe today will be the day you drop the big "hello" on him. But it's not, you're too shy! Maybe normally you push through your shyness and talk to him anyway, but this time, it's different. This time, you want it to work out. Because faking outgoingness never worked for you before. Except for that one time that it did, and you were so terrified of your success that you ended the relationship before it really could've started. But you were younger then, and you're much more mature about things now. Except you still kind of think you're gonna puke whenever you're near this guy.

Okay, so it's a new day now. You swear you're gonna at least get his name today. And you do! You overhear him introduce himself (the name you picked for him wasn't even close FYI) so now you're all excited and tell all of your friends about him! They want to know what he looks like, so you discreetly snap a picture with your phone but because you had to be subtle it's all dark and blurry. Or you go into the public school files and find his class picture and print it out (I didn't do this. Only creepy people do this). Your friends text you, "oh he's a cutie patio tie" (because autocorrect doesn't recognize patootie) even though you know they have no idea what they're looking at. And in some sort of twisted irony, you notice some guy exhibiting this kind of behaviour towards you but you brush him off as some creep.

One day, your babe gets a haircut. You HATE it more than ANYTHING and begin to question all of the choices you've made in life.

But after a couple of days, you're over it. It's just a haircut, and you're not that shallow. However, you're now in an uncomfortable place because you've seen each other around for quite a while now, yet you've never been properly introduced. It'd be too awkward to ask him what his name was now (even though you already know it) because you really should've asked him when you first saw him. So now you start fantasizing about how to initiate conversation with him in a way that seems natural. I like to somehow figure out a way to show off one of my hidden talents in these daydreams. Unfortunately for me, there is no way to naturally bring up how good I am at stalking people on the internet, but maybe you'll have better luck.

So one day you're on your lunch break, and so is he. But he's with a woman. This woman is not you. And you just fly off the handle (internally, of course). You're at your table, trying not to stare, holding back tears, crying into your salad, tweeting about how sad you are. You used to joke around about how depressing this song was, but now that song has become your life! You are miserable about it for the rest of the day. You loathe that woman. Upon closer inspection, you realize that she's much older than he is and is probably his mom or something. You still hate her, though.

Now you're going on vacation, yay! You need a distraction in the worst way. You ask your friends to keep an eye on him for you (just kidding! But not really!) and they do. Maybe too much of an eye. You come back and they have a collection of short stories for you. You love it! But you still have no idea how to talk to this guy. Maybe one day you'll just run into him and be cool enough to be all, "I think you're a babe". Maybe. We can only hope.

And maybe, one day you'll be clubbing with your friends and omg he's there too! You point him out to your friends and they're all, "go talk to him!" but the common theme in this story has been that you're too chicken shit to say anything to him, so instead you choose to "casually" get into his eye sight and see if he notices you. He looks at you for a few moments, but he recognizes you! YAY! Unfortunately, it's too loud to hear what he's saying so you just smile and nod until your friends decide it's time to go. Sigh.

And then you read this whole story and realize that it's not really surprising that your crushes become nothing more than crushes. Maybe the next time will be different.

leonardo dicaprio please like me

So, the other day I was thinking about famous people that would be fun to hang out with (I do this pretty much every day FYI) when all of a sudden, I realized that I probably have NOTHING in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, this really shouldn't bother me, considering I've never even met the guy, but it does. I've been depressed for DAYS over the idea that I would have nothing to talk to him about and the thought that maybe he wouldn't like me drives me crazy. He's not even a mega babe anymore and yet I still regard his opinion of me so highly! What the hell, Leo?

I mean, lets hypothetically say that I meet him at a party or something. But like, there's not even a mutual friend around to introduce us. You know how mutual friends at parties will sometimes be like, "Hey Sarah, this is Leonardo DiCaprio. He LOVES ice cream!" And then they leave but that's okay because you know what? I ALSO love ice cream! Passionately! Enough to carry on a conversation with Leonardo DiCaprio about it. But yeah, at this party there is no mutual friend. Maybe I'm pouring myself a glass of punch and he's coming over to grab some chips and I step on his foot and spill punch all over him or something. So he already hates me and I haven't even introduced myself. But then I'm like, "Hey, you're Leonardo DiCaprio!" and he's all, "yeah..." but then I realize I have nothing to say to him that he already hadn't heard a million times or was a complete lie (I'm a huge fan! I loved you in 'Titanic'!) so what do I do? Just spout off all of the random things I know about him like he had forgotten who he was and I had to remind him. "You're a Democrat. You date supermodels. I think you drive a hybrid?" But by that point he has already turned away from me to talk to someone else or just left the room completely. UGH WHY AM I AT THIS PARTY FROM HELL?

Of course, this is all just speculation. He might turn out to have an awesome sense of humour and find my awkwardness endearing. But doesn't he seem like he's too cool for that? I just feel like making a good impression on Leonardo DiCaprio would be SUPER important. I can't explain it any further.

a few things

So, remember when I posted a babe parade in hopes that I would be inspired to write more? Yeah... that didn't happen.

HOWEVER!

I'm blogging live from Maui, Hawaii. In the U S of A. And that's pretty cool. I have included a map of Maui in this post for your viewing pleasure.

I'm also pretty sure I saw a guy with leprosy yesterday. It made me feel many things, mostly sad and scared. :(