attn gentlemen

Hey team! I have big news! I've decided to finally start putting an effort into dating! Well, let's be honest, it's not a huge effort... but I am open to it... sort of. More open to it than I was before!

I don't know if dating is like this for everyone, but I feel like I've been learning a lot more about myself than the other person. FOR INSTANCE:

I do not like it when people mistake politeness for flirting. This makes any pleasant conversation suddenly turn awkward and embarrassing. This makes me want to throw up all over everything. This makes me wish that I was Gilbert Grape's mother and incapable of leaving my house. This is bad. Do not do this.

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Some days I might doubt this, but for the most part, I know I'm pretty. Trust me, I do not leave the house without putting some consideration into what I look like. So please don't waste your time in telling me I'm pretty. I'm not dumb. You don't have to tell me how I look. Do you want to make me feel sexy? Compliment my brain instead.

AND:

Do not act like you know me. Saying something like: "You seem like a down to earth girl" is lame and inaccurate. Sure, I'm pretty chill 90% of the time, but you know what? I might be an uptight bitch tomorrow. I'm always changing, so get rid of your assumptions and deal with it.

I don't need to be fed lines. I don't need to constantly be reminded of how great I am. The amount of favorites and retweets I get on Twitter are enough validation for me, thank you very much.

Just treat me like a normal person. Have a sense of humour. We're going to get along just fine.

sarah reviews the calgary flames 2013 season without mentioning actual hockey

If you're a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist, or have any other kind of career that requires you to be super smart, you may have figured out that I'm a hockey fan. Now I'm not gonna say that I'm this HUGE fan that knows all these statistics and let's be real, I can barely calculate a percentage, let alone a save percentage (FACT: math makes me cry), but I enjoy watching the game in my free time.

Let's get a little more specific. I'm primarily a Calgary Flames fan. This is probably due to the fact that I was born and raised in Calgary. These things happen. With the regular NHL season ending this week, I thought that I would "review" the Flames 2013 season without discussing actual hockey.

I'm going to go a little off track and discuss food. Some amazing creations were invented at the Saddledome this year:

This is the ever popular "Hawaiian Shaved Ice Cream". If you've ever been to Hawaii, it's basically a snowcone with a scoop of ice cream. At the Saddledome, they have a shaved ice stand, as well as ice cream stands, but no stand that mixes them together for you. You have not lived until you've combined the two.

This is the slightly not as popular "Nachcorn". Basically you put some popcorn into the cheese portion of your nachos for a savoury delight.

Another cool thing that happened this year was that I found this couch! One of the Seven Wonders of the Saddledome:

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that there are Seven Wonders of the Saddledome! Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Dutton's Pub

2. The East Entrance

3. The Magical Elevator of Love

4. That Couch (pictured above)

5. The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics

6. Press Level

7. Jay Feaster's Giant Bag of Popcorn

If you want to get the most out of your Calgary Flames experience, I suggest you become familiar with these Seven Wonders. They have been the cause of so many great inside jokes.

What else happened this year? Oh yeah, I rode The Magical Elevator of Love with Peter Maher and told him that I was gonna get drunk...I'm so awkward!

One thing that was actually really cool about this year was that I went to a Flames season ticket holder party with one of my best friends, Holly. Hands down, the best thing about that party were the chicken wings they served. Like, I know that makes it sound like the party was lame, but it wasn't. The chicken wings were just that good. I'm still regretting not putting more in my purse for later. Or asking for the recipe. Cause god damn, those were amazing. Anyway. The party was bumping. Holly and I were having a good time making fun of the dumb people we know and secretly hoping that Ken King would appear in a tuxedo wearing a monocle at any moment, when lo and behold, he did (although sadly not as well dressed as we imagined). Then the party mysteriously turned into a press conference where a lot of intense questions were asked, such as "Is Jarome Iginla getting traded?" (we were told no. Funny, right?) and "Did Mike Cammalleri get to keep the puck from the game where he scored a hat trick the other night?" (seriously lady, your question was dumb and that's why I'm making fun of you right now.) And then the scariest moment of all happened: A little boy shyly walked up to Ken King and KEN KING TOUSLED THE BOY'S HAIR. Hands down the most cringeworthy moment of the year for me, and I was at the game where the Oilers beat us 8-2... I'm just... not a fan of tousling hair. It creeps me out.

Stalker photo provided by Holly

I would also like to declare the Flames 2013 season "The Year of the Selfies".

2013 will also be the year Holly and I saw a bird flying through the Saddledome. Not sure how it got there, and we only saw it at that one particular game, but we affectionately named it "Bird" as it stole our hearts that night.

There was also a streaker. I need not say more about that.

This year, we lost Jarome Iginla. That was sad. But after the game Holly and I met up with Nikki and we watched Clueless. That was enjoyable. We also lost Jay Bouwmeester. I felt no emotion towards that. Then we lost Blake Comeau. That's been the hardest trade to deal with (no it hasn't).

This is also maybe worth mentioning:

Not sure what this means

I don't know about you guys, but I had a very successful Flames season. We may not be winning the Stanley Cup this year (no guys we are definitely not winning the Stanley Cup this year), but rest assured that change is coming and be hopeful for next year. Remember: Anything Could Happen.

Just FYI: This song sounds amazing when you sing it in The Secret Stairwell with Amazing Acoustics.

the first step is admitting that you have a problem

So I did that thing again. You know, that thing where I don't write in my blog for 2 months. At first I honestly didn't have time to, but then I did... and I filled that time with other things. Like sleeping. I sleep so much now it's ridiculous. That's not what I came here to talk about today, so I'm going to catch you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past 2 months and then get into the nitty gritty of today's post. I'm warning you, there's potential for some ~*~real talk~*~ today.

1. Hockey's back and that's great.

2. School is meh. Some days I like it, most days I don't.

3. Working lots but not too much. Saving monaaaaay!

4. Partying partying yeah!

ANYWAY

I feel like I'm learning more about myself these days than I am about office administration. Legit. Like, 2 months ago, I learned that I'm in love. You're probably thinking, how could she not know that? BUT THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! Like in Clueless. Don't laugh, but yeah I'm in love with my ex-step brother. Just kidding, I'm in love with Paul Rudd.

Best movie about my life ever

It hasn't been easy. Because I've also learned that when I like someone, I become hypersensitive to everything they say and do and they inevitably piss me off and we get into a fight. Not even joking, I've gotten into fights with like, every single person I've crushed on. I don't like that. But in the spirit of 2013 and changing for the better, I'm doing my best with it. Like, yesterday, this person said something that I COMPLETELY disagreed with, but I chose to not pick a fight about it. EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT AND I'M STILL ANNOYED ABOUT IT TODAY. But whatever, in a few days I'll either forget about it or secretly resent this person for it for the rest of our lives. Not a big deal I guess.

Oh and also, the object of my affections can never do anything right. I've seriously said to my friends, "he doesn't talk to me enough!" and then the next day I told them, "omg he talks too much!" and it doesn't even sound crazy to me when I say it. That's the most disturbing part of all of this. I have been this way with people for literally my whole life. That's 23 years of being insane and not even knowing it. I should maybe apologize to every person I've had feelings for. But I won't because that would be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. "Sorry for secretly being in love with you and having unrealistic expectations of you that you could never live up to" yeah not gonna happen.

I'm also learning that "love" is a loose definition. For most of my life, I thought that love was something that only existed when reciprocated. But fuck that. Love is anything that I enjoy spending my time with. I love my friends. I love ice cream. I love listening to Beastie Boys. I also thought that if love isn't returned, it had to be painful. But you know what? Other than when this person is saying dumb stuff and pissing me off, this person makes me very happy. And I don't even know if they love me. And it's kind of irrelevant whether they do or not. So whatever, I'm happy and shit. Rawr!

Sarah reviews 2012

Oh, hello. I didn't see you come in. No matter, now that you're here let us reflect upon the year that was supposed to be our last (thanks for letting us down, Mayans).

A lot of things come to mind when I think of 2012. Ups, downs, nausea, etc. But overall, it was a pretty good year I think. Let's break it down.

I started the year off surrounded by my closest friends:

I turned 22. That experience was so enjoyable that I think I will keep telling people that that is my age.

St Patrick's Day was probably the best night of my life. I should stop going out because no night will ever be as good. Highlight of the night (and maybe even my life): We were crossing the street on 17th Ave and this drunk guy on his bike yelled at us "FUCK YOU I'M IRISH!" then he proceeded to fly off of his bike and landed in a crumpled heap on the middle of the street. My friend Holly was like, "dude are you okay?!" and the guy was like, "yeah... just keep walking"... I realize this story probably isn't funny when you read it. I wish I had a video to show you.

Oh also, I apparently loudly told everyone, "I'm so drunk I'm actually updating my Google+" and threw a bouquet of flowers into no particular direction. I think I maybe even drunk tweeted NHL player Brandon Prust. I'm such a troll sometimes!

April was a scary time cause I got tested for cancer. But it's all good cause it turns out that I'm really good at not having cancer.

Then I went to Maui!

I was on top of a Volcano, bitches!

And almost immediately after returning home, I went to Vancouver for no other reason than to party.

Then I did something I never thought I would've ever done; I joined a gym! And get this: I'm still going to it regularly. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.

I also somehow grew some balls and made a move on a babely babe who looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt from the movie Looper.

Sadly this did not work out.

I had the pleasure of going to not one, but two weddings in July. I wore the same dress and nobody said anything.

August through October blew chunks. But it was necessary to reach that low, because it inspired me to make some big changes in my life. I switched jobs, applied to school, and I'm even starting to save up to buy my own place someday. I'm growing up, you guys, I'm really doing it!

So I'm not gonna lie, I've got some high expectations for 2013. Like, obviously I'm going to continue to reach my fitness goals. I'm also toying with the idea of getting bangs... I'm not sure yet. I'm hoping to do well in school; I've only got one year to succeed, so I'd better work hard. It's gonna be crazy, but I can't wait!

Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013 to all of you!

Love,

Sarah

Widows on the Dock

weight loss by sarah

Sorry team, I really dropped the ball on having a Halloween themed post this year. My bad, guys. HOWEVER! November 1st is a very important day for me because it marks the one year anniversary of starting a healthy healthier lifestyle. I really haven't talked publicly about my weight loss journey on my blog (mostly because I felt it would be kind of cliche...) but I feel like after a year of working hard, I should share my success and give tips to some of you who might be wondering how I exactly did it.

After one year, I have lost 40 pounds, and many inches off of various parts of my body (I'm too lazy to do the math, get off my back). Which is awkward sometimes, because it's extremely noticeable and people are always like, "oh my god, you look great" which is nice to hear and I appreciate the encouragement but I'm not good at taking compliments no matter what my weight is. ANYWAY. Enough about my success (I feel like I'm bragging), here are some of the things I did that I found really helped.

Get serious about it. If you're not motivated to lose weight, it will not happen. It's as simple as that. You have to approach it as a lifestyle change, not a temporary diet. You have to form new habits and break the destructive ones. There is no magic formula for losing weight and it truly is hard fucking work, and you have to be willing to do it.

Drink water. Like, gallons of it. This is something that every diet website/book will tell you. It's a no-brainer for weight loss. Drink as much water as you possibly can. Replace everything else you drink regularly (milk, juice, pop) with water. Also, cut back your alcohol intake. My own personal rule is to save drinking for weekends (like I could ever completely give that up). And avoid beer. Like seriously, if I have one beer, I magically gain 7 pounds over the night. Not sure how that happens but it does. Moral of the story: beer = bad for weight loss. Oh and also, double fisting is fine, as long as one of your fists has a glass of water in it.

Find a meal plan/technique/support system that works for you. Weight loss can be difficult to accomplish on your own. You definitely have to have discipline for yourself, but getting a little help from others definitely goes a long way. Some people find success with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, while some people are good enough with websites/apps that help count their calories. I'm not saying you HAVE to do these things, but if you think it will work for you, then go for it!

Make sensible choices when you go out. One thing that always frustrates me when I read weight loss articles is that the main gist of them is "Make your own healthy meals and exercise. It's that simple, LOL". At first I'm like, "thanks for wasting my time with advice that literally everybody already knows" and then I'm like, "how am I supposed to maintain my flourishing social life if I'm eating homemade meals every night?" The answer is that you're not! Trying to lose weight = never going out for dinner with your friends ever. The result is that you'll be thin but you'll also be lonely. Just kidding you guys. I SAID JUST KIDDING! If you find yourself out for dinner with friends, do not fret! Try to find the healthier items on the menu. You can probably switch your fries for a salad. If you're really worried about undoing all of your hard work, you can order an appetizer for your meal (I don't like doing this, going out for dinner is a treat, after all). Also, many Japanese restaurants will make your sushi with brown rice if you request it. It doesn't hurt to ask!

On a related note, make sure your friends know about your weight goals. One thing literally nobody tells you when you try to lose weight is that it can put some pressure on your relationships. You might find that some of your friends may press you to eat things you know you don't need (i.e. dessert).  Stay strong, amigo. Or ask to share theirs and take one bite of it and be like, "oh I'm sooooo full". 60% of the time it works every time.

Binges happen. Get over it. Every now and then you'll have a day where you indulge a little too much. Under no circumstances should you see this as an opportunity to fall back into old habits. Drink some water, get some rest and try again tomorrow.

Find the reason why you make poor eating choices. I'm talking specifically to emotional eaters. Is it stress, anger, sadness, etc? Once you've figured out why you eat badly, try to come up with some healthier ways to deal with those emotions. You don't have to share this information with anyone, but you have to be completely honest with yourself here.

Exercise. Okay. I have a lot to say about this one. Most importantly: It's okay to start slowly. I read somewhere that in order to lose weight, you have to do at least 45 minutes of intense cardio 5 or 6 times a week. That's probably true, but if going up one flight of stairs knocks the wind out of you, you're not gonna make it! So here's my own personal advice for starting an exercise regime (and I used to be like, the most inactive person ever):

• Start with something very simple and manageable such as going for walks a few times a week at night. Go for as long as whatever feels comfortable for you. Go at a brisk enough pace for you to get your heart rate going a little.
• Once you're pretty solid at walking, try doing some beginners yoga/strength training. I'm talking downward dogs, lunges, and pushups. I used the programs on my Wii Fit, but there are other exercise videos you can follow along with on the internet. I also find that many fitness magazines have step by step instructions on yoga poses/toning exercises.
• When you have some downtime, invite a friend and go to your nearest recreation centre to do some swimming or skating. Swimming and skating are my two favourite activities because they feel the least like actual work. I'm all about not doing actual work.
• Finally, when you feel like you can handle more intense workouts, consider joining a gym. Again, start slowly here. If you've never lifted weights before, ask a trainer to show you the proper form (I'm 100% serious, you can really hurt yourself if you do it wrong).

Now, I know that motivating yourself to exercise can be extremely difficult, but after a couple of weeks of doing it regularly, it starts to become part of your routine and getting yourself to the gym doesn't seem so tough anymore. Make sure you give yourself plenty of rest, and never work the same muscle group consecutively.

Plateauing is frustrating, but it's not a reason to give up. Ughhhh hitting a plateau is pretty much the worst thing ever. But it's only temporary, so keep going. I like to use a plateau as a reason to try something new, like take a dance class or something. Because why the fuck not?

Never starve yourself. Again, this is a no-brainer. Compare your body to a fire that needs a new log to be put on it every now and then. When you feel hungry, drink some water and find a healthy snack.

Listen to your body, but shut out the voice in your head. Do you ever come home from work and think, "I should workout, but I'm too tired"? If you do, don't believe yourself because THAT IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!  There is a fine line between needing to give your body a rest and just feeling lazy. That being said, it's okay to skip the gym if you're coughing up blood or shuking or feeling genuinely ill. Go see a doctor instead.

I think that's all the information I have to offer. So now it is time for my final reflection. One year and 40 pounds later, I know I still have a ways to go. But I've never been more determined in my life, and I'm completely confident that I'll be able to continue on this path towards a healthy and active lifestyle (ugh so cheesy I hate myself right now). Thanks to everyone in my personal life for all the love and support you've given me over the past year. I firmly believe that feeling good is looking good, and thanks to you, I've never looked better.

a sad realization

Last night, I came to an upsetting conclusion that I'm sure every epic party animal comes to at some point in their life:

I am an infinitely more fun person when I am drunk.

As unsettling as this is, I have already accepted the fact and will hopefully be able to continue living my life knowing this sad truth about me. But the more I think about it, the more I see that Drunk Sarah isn't a bad person. In fact, she's a rad person! Let me demonstrate with photos!

What I'm like when I'm sober:

Actual picture of me drunk:

Drunk Sarah already seems much more intriguing, right? Because she is! So we should celebrate and appreciate her way of life and talk about the awesome things she does.

Top 5 Facts About Drunk Sarah

1. Drunk Sarah is not afraid of telling babes that they are babes. If you are a babe and Drunk Sarah notices you, you will be notified of your babeliness. She does not care if you think she is a babe, nor does she necessarily want to hook up with you. Sober Sarah has attempted to do this numerous times with disastrous results.

2. Drunk Sarah is honest, even if the truth hurts. Sober Sarah wants nothing more than the ability to call people out on their bullshit, but she always bites her tongue. Drunk Sarah however, is not afraid in the slightest to say what's on her mind. She will lay the cold hard truth on a silver platter for you and then she will make a funny and you will spit out your drink and laugh and cry at the same time.

3. Drunk Sarah is considerate. One time, Drunk Sarah saw a girl crying at a bar so she went over to the guy who made her cry and yelled at him. Another time, Drunk Sarah told a girl she didn't like that her boyfriend looked like Ryan Reynolds even though he didn't so the girl would feel better about herself. Such a good samaritan right? I neglected to tell you that immediately after the mentioned Ryan Reynolds comment was made, Drunk Sarah told the girl "I don't really like you". But ignore that part.

4. Drunk Sarah has such zany ideas about life! It's true! Drunk Sarah is convinced that everyone who wears glasses is Jewish. Even herself! Everyone can learn a thing or two from Drunk Sarah.

5. Drunk Sarah has the stamina of a racehorse. It's true. Drunk Sarah can pretty much dance all night long. Sober Sarah is a buzzkill and will be like, "I'm tired. I wanna go home."


It's kind of a shame that Drunk Sarah doesn't exist 24 hours a day. Not saying that Sober Sarah is a shitty person to hang out with by any means but I guess Drunk Sarah is somewhat of a comedian? That explains why after every night out I wake up with text messages like, "LOL" and "I'm sorry that babe at your gym is engaged" and my all time favourite, "haha get real its not happening".

But seriously guys, Drunk Sarah is only as good as the company that she keeps. <3

how to deal with your crush's mysterious disappearance

I'm not gonna lie, when the object of your affection suddenly vanishes from your life, it can really be hard to cope with. You just have so many questions! Where did they go? Did I creep them out (refer to figure 1.0 below)? Was the messy bun I was wearing last week not messy enough? Did they somehow see me eat that sandwich off the floor that one time? Ughhhh!

Okay, now please try to get a hold of yourself. Whether this person knew how you feel/felt about them,  it's probably not your fault that they left. For all you know, they might have a super legitimate reason for leaving. Like, maybe their aunt died of a terrible illness and they had to leave town to say goodbye to her and deal with her will and stuff. And is it really any of your business? No, not really. But I get that it still sucks and you're sad/guilty/angry. So, I am giving you permission to convince yourself that you have done all that you could to get them to stay. Even if you didn't. Tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself feel better. That's probably terrible advice, but missing someone is probably one of the most painful things to deal with in the world so I honestly can't judge someone for denying/justifying their actions if it makes them feel better about it.

However, you should remember that it's okay to feel sad about it! You really liked this person! So it's important that you do nice things for yourself. I mean, get a few of your closest friends and invite them to get drunk in the privacy of your own home (you will embarrass yourself if you do this in public) and just let the emotions flow. Laugh at memories, cry, yell and bash this person for breaking your heart by their unexplained absence, talk about his penis, whatever! And then your friends will inevitably tell you that you deserve better, and you know what? They're right! Trust me, there will be other babes that will come into your life and maybe they too will leave eventually, or maybe you will leave them, or maybe the relationship works out! You could have an entire revolving door of crushes if you wanted to! So listen to your friends, there is a good reason you keep them around!

So now you should maybe do actual nice things for yourself, as opposed to things that will destroy your liver. I'm talking about classic "breakup" behaviour. You know, getting your hair done, going to the spa, buying a weapon. Become super healthy. Like, join a gym and work out almost every day. You will feel so much better about yourself and added bonus (!) if you run into this person someday your body will be banging and they will hate themselves! You pretty much can't lose in that situation!

You also need to accept the fact that this person is gone. I mean, chances are your life isn't a romantic comedy and this is just the part where you've or they've screwed up in the relationship and now you have to win each other over again. No team of writers wrote a speech for you to passionately deliver to this person in order to convince them to love you. A grand and romantic gesture that's begging for them to come back seems like a good idea in a movie, but in real life it's just creepy as fuck. So I wouldn't recommend doing it. However, if your life is in fact a romantic comedy, then by all means go for it cause you knew it was gonna work out in the end an hour ago.

Lastly, in the strange event that this person does turn up in your life again, be prepared for it. I mean, don't spend all of your nights dreaming of this moment and what you'll say, but rather, think about how you want to look to this person. Do you want to give them the satisfaction that they deeply hurt you and you're bitter over it? Or do you want to be friendly and cool and give the impression that you're mature enough to have moved on? Yeah... this is a tough decision.

And if none of this has helped you out, just be grateful that for a while, you won't have to deal with this awkward situation.