happy holidays vs merry christmas

So this debate pops up every holiday season. You know the one I'm getting at. Basically, people who celebrate Christmas get all butt-hurt when someone wishes them "Happy Holidays", and people who don't celebrate Christmas cry when they get wished a "Merry Christmas".

You didn't ask for my opinion, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway: Both sides of the debate are stupid.

HAPPY WHO GIVES A FUCK!

Here's the deal, if someone says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays", chances are they're not doing it to intentionally piss you off. In fact, they don't have to wish you a merry or a happy anything. It's really no different from someone saying, "Have a nice day". So shut the fuck up, say thank you, and move on. If you're gonna get all bent out of shape over something, anything, don't let it be this. It just makes you look like an oversensitive douchebag. Have a nice day.

happiness runs in a circular motion

Don't you find being depressed severely overrated?

I'm not gonna lie, last month I was absolutely miserable - and also a complete cliche. I'm sure you know how it goes; the crying every night, having no will whatsoever to get up in the morning, trying to live your life vicariously through movies about people who are awesome. Oh, and of course the hardest part of all this is trying to phrase a Facebook status that is a subtle cry for help without being all, "WAAAH MY LIFE SUCKS, FEEL SORRY FOR ME!"

But fuck it! That was last month and things are pretty awesome now! I started a new diet, and I've lost 10 pounds already! How sexy is that? I've actually started to rebuild my social life, so I don't get nearly as bored as I used to! And I even met a hot babe this month! I can't really go into much detail about that, but whatever, he was damn fine and a new crush is just what I need to get over an old one!

So basically, the moral of my story is that if you're not content with you're life, you're the only one who can change it. And you can change it quickly! Start asking people if they want to hang out, start eating healthier, and stop feeling sorry for yourself! It's exhausting and aging you terribly! You know who you are!

halloweener is here!

So, it is once again Halloween and thus I will present to you a new list of 10 scary things! 

1. Pancreatic cancer

2. Some people actually take Republican candidates seriously

3. People your age are getting married and having kids

4. Not knowing if you're going to puke or not

5. When you're driving with the windows down in the summer and a bee flies into your car

6. Gastrointestinal allergies

7. Going out in public looking like shit and then meeting a really hot guy! Ahhh!

8. Using the restroom and then realizing that there is no toilet paper left

9. Discovering that you may have accidentally ate celery

10. Heights

So... are you SCARED yet?

halloween halp!

Who's all stoked for Halloween? OH I SURE AM! Last year I was Meowth from Pokemon, and my costume was pretty half assed. At least I admitted it. This year I'm going to be a toddler in a tiara!

Me.

I'm still not 100% sure how I'll pull this off though! Should I get a wig or just struggle with doing my hair? Should my makeup make me look like a whore? Should I get a tan? I feel like I should get a tan. Most of the shock value that comes from watching Toddlers and Tiaras is when mothers tan their daughters. Okay yeah, I'm gonna tan.

Needless to say, I am very, very excited to scare everyone with this costume! I hope everyone pukes when they see me!

what to do when someone doesn't like you

Oh man, is there anything more upsetting than realizing that someone doesn't like you? It's never happened to me, but I hear it's quite momentarily devastating! It doesn't matter how you've come to the revelation to someone's disdain towards you; maybe you saw this person create an event on Facebook of which all of your mutual friends were invited to... and not you. Holy shit, Facebook is the worst for that. I mean, when you hosted events in real life you could always be like, "Oh I forgot your invitation at home..." or "It got lost in the mail..." but with Facebook there's really no believable excuse you can give someone when you've intentionally given them the shaft. But now I'm getting off topic.

At first you might panic. Especially if this person is someone you see and interact with everyday, such as a coworker or classmate. If it's a distant relative or someone you see less than once a year, my first piece of advice to you is don't sweat it. If they're out of sight, they are out of your mind. And really, they're not worthy of even being on your mind.

So back to the people you see everyday. How could they dislike you? You're awesome (because you're reading this, duh)! But for whatever reason, (most likely because they have a pointy stick up their asshole), they don't like you. You might feel inclined to examine what traits you have that irritates them, and try to correct them in order to appear more likable. DO NOT DO THIS! You will come off as a desperate tryhard, and I will personally lose all of my respect for you. Have you ever seen someone try really hard to make a good impression? Was it painful to watch? That's right, it was. You will look just like that person except worse, because you'd be making a bad impression even worse. So yeah, don't change yourself just to please some douchebag. Besides, a true friend would tell you what personality traits you need to work on, someone who dislikes you would not. Plus! If you ~*~stay true to urself~*~ there is a chance that they will learn to like you!

Now you're probably like, "Sar-ah! That's so cliche!" Yeah, I know, but it makes sense, right? But you have another option, and that is to give them a reason to dislike you. Now, here's where you can be creative! I have disliked people for a plethora of reasons; they're too nice, they're too shy, they're self-centered, they're overly religious... as you can see, there are many reasons to dislike someone, and not all of them are justified. But that's the way humans are! We can't always justify the way we feel. That's why you should just embrace the fact that you talk too much or that you're a huge Nickelback fan or whatever  and rub it in their stupid faces! They'll probably dislike you even more, but you're fresh out of fucks to give!

If all else fails, ignore them. They're not worth your time. Make it seem like you know something they don't. Sometimes you can't avoid them, so sadly you'll have to be pleasant and cordial even though you've probably fantasized about this great confrontation where you dramatically ask them to confess their reasons for hating you but you know what? You don't want to know. Chances are that you don't have a solid way to defend whatever quality you have that they don't like. You'll be like, "I'm only obnoxious because... um..." and it will be sadder than watching a puppy die. Well, maybe not that sad, but sad nonetheless.

And sometimes, there is a horrible circumstance in which the person who dislikes you is someone you have a crush on. It is so terrible even though I've never experienced it! The above advice still applies, but if you're feeling particularly jilted, photoshop is a great way to console yourself! You can just take a picture of that doucher and turn it into something like this:

Just post that baby on the internet anonymously and hurray! You've ruined their life! But I should warn you that doing this would not be "taking the high road". Good luck!

hell's kitch

Can I just take a moment to confess my love for Hell's Kitchen? Okay, I love Gordon Ramsay in general but Hell's Kitchen is just the perfect amount of terrible reality television format that I need in my life. For real, I don't watch reality TV other than the occasional TLC show when absolutely nothing else is on. But every summer I get excited for Hell's Kitchen.

Ugh, I don't even know. This season's finale is on this week and it's been pretty obvious who's going to win since it started. But I still don't want it to end! I've learned a lot about cooking this summer and it's given me and my parents some new things to try and make. Maybe one day I'll be able to compete... JUST KIDDING, I'm too Canadian.

So... that's pretty much all I have to say. My money's on Will to win this season. GO WILL!

happy anniversary!

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Widows on the Dock! I know, I know - it seems like it was only yesterday that I was ranting and making random lists and generally showing off what a weirdo I am... and look at me now! I'm pretty much exactly the same...

Anyway! I know I could look back at the year that was, but I like to save that for New Year's. But you know how Oprah has favorite things? Well so do I. And in proper Widows on the Dock style, here is a top 5 list of my favorite things right now.

1. Twitter

Twitter isn't new to me. I've had it since 2009. But unlike facebook, which was AWESOME back in 2007 and just depresses me in 2011, I still like it. I find that Twitter really puts into perspective what's relevant in our lives, and what's really worth sharing with the world and what should maybe stay in your diary. By the way, Widows on the Dock has a twitter account (that I should really get on updating... oops!)... if you're interested, check us out @widowsonthedock.

2. Ian White

Ian White is a handsome man and him and David Spence are why I keep watching CTV News Calgary. I should maybe be embarrassed about this but deep down I know you all agree with me so I'm not so ashamed.

3. iPhone 4

So earlier this year I made the big switch from Blackberry over to the iPhone and I haven't looked back since. I love everything about it and I'm pretty convinced that I always will.

4. Pumpkin Pecan Bars by Kashi

The best snack award goes to Kashi for this amazing little taste of heaven. I'd also like to thank my mother and father for keeping the pantry well stocked with boxes of these.

5. Kirsten

Holy fuck, how much do I love Kirsten? Enough to mention her like 3 times on my blog over the course of a year. If you don't know Kirsten I feel sorry for you, because that she is smoking hot and I'm not even ashamed to say that I'm a little gay for her. Also I'm really hoping that she'll come visit me in Calgary one day not too long from now. Please? :(

Lastly, I'd like to thank everyone who's been checking out what I've got to say over the past year. It's been a really successful year so here's hoping to many more!

-Widows on the Dock.

my epic dream

You guys... YOU GUYS! I had the most amazing dream last night! Like you don't even know! First of all, I was dating a certain local celebrity (I won't specify because it's kind of embarassing!) and we were really happy and everything, except he was like, weirdly obsessed with anal sex and I refused to partake in that activity. And we had to go to couples therapy for it and it was really strange.

But then afterwards, we went to this awesome movie parade where all these actors were dressed up as characters from movies and they were just walking down the street. Elijah Wood was there as Frodo and as he passed me he looked at me and said hello. AND THEN I DIED OF LOVE!

Oh yeah, and you know what made the dream even better? Kevin James was my best friend.

You're probably reading this and feeling jealous of my dream life right now. That's okay, my real life is jealous of my dream life too.

people i irrationally hate: christine magee

I try to not hate people who have not given me any physical reason to dislike them so immensely, but every now and then someone in the public eye irritates me to the point where a chance meeting with them would at the very most send me to prison and at the very least end up with a restraining order against me. Today's victim is Christine Magee, best known for being the face of Sleep Country.

I don't know exactly what it is about her that makes me fly into a rage that could rival Gordan Ramsay's (UGH I LOVE THAT MAN... but more on that at another time). Maybe it's that I'm jealous of her success as a woman in the business world? No, that can't be it.

Just kidding, I know exactly why I hate her! Because she's in every Sleep Country commercial, walking around and celebrating everything about her store like it's the best shit you've ever seen. What, you say that the Sleep Country delivery men wear booties over their shoes when carrying your new mattress into your home to prevent dirt from being dragged in? Wow Christine Magee, that is so novel! That's totally and completely worth mentioning in your commercials! Oh, but the thing that's got me guzzling the haterade on this woman the most is that not too long ago I heard a radio commercial where she was like, "We will price match ANY competitor! Even ones that are going out of business!" What a fucking heartless bitch.

I'm am publicly declaring that I will never, under no circumstances ever going to purchase from Sleep Country while she is still the spokesperson. And also while they still have that theme song that belongs in a 1970's sitcom somewhere, like what the fuck is that shit? "Why buy a mattress anywhere else?" Because I don't want to deal with fucking Christine Magee telling me that I'll save money if I mix and match my mattress and box spring before Tuesday night at 9. I know that you can't tell that they don't match once you put your sheets on, but you know what Christine Magee? I'll know, and that's all that matters.

biggest career goal

People often ask me, "Sar-ah, what's your biggest dream as an actor?" Most people would say something like, "to write, direct and star in my own film" or "to work with Meryl Streep or Johnny Depp". While those would be great things to do, my biggest dream is to star in a raucous (FYI I love things that are described as "raucous") teen comedy where every character wants to lose their virginity by the end of high school.

Just like American Pie, only it would be better cause I'd be in it! I'm not sure what the plot of American Pie a la Sarah (ahaaaaaaaa see what I did there!?), would entail. Maybe it'd be like She's All That where I play a nerdy but secretly hot girl and this mega babe of a boy (Zac Efron possibly?!) plays this guy who makes a bet with his friends to turn me into a total smokeshow by pretending to be interested in me! And then right before the prom I discover his disgusting motives and decide to have nothing to do with him. But then, oh no! He's fallen in love with me and has to win me back! Insert a scene of Zac Efron emotionally apologizing to me for what he did in front of the whole school at prom and then BAM! A lackluster sex scene, followed by us going our separate ways to college. Oh yeah, we can also add a bitchy cheerleader who hates me because Zac Efron was dating her before he decided that I was better.

Or you know what? Maybe I'm just this normal girl who has a crush on the captain of the football team (again Zac Efron), and I spend all of senior year trying to get him to ask me to prom, and then he does! omg! But right after prom I find out that he's a total jerk who only asked me cause he felt sorry for me or he was trying to hide the fact that he's gay or some bullshit like that, and then I discover that I'm really in love with my best friend who lives next door (played by Elijah Wood... he can still pass for high school age, right?) who has conveniently for me been in love with me ever since he met me! Ahhhh this movie rocks!

Either one of these two scenarios would be fine for me! I'll definitely let you know when production on these projects start!

my childhood

Yep, pretty much. Sigh.

top 5 things to do when you're sad

Okay, so sometimes we get sad. Don't worry, that's a natural part of life! Fortunately, I have a few things that make me feel better when I get the blues and am willing to share them with you!

1. Troll Yahoo Answers

Some people ask a lot of dumb shit through yahoo answers, and it is awesome. Especially when you need something to help you smile.

2. Get cozy
I love getting all snuggled into my blankets when I'm upset. It's hard to feel sad when you're so warm and comfortable! Cool factoid about this picture: It's from Facebook. Yes that's right, Facebook photos are coming up on arbitrary google searches. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives...

3. Look at pictures of babely babes
Whenever I want to get my mind off of something unpleasant, I do a quick google image search of my favorite hotties. Works 9/10 times. I like to look at pictures of Zac Efron, but you can stalk whomever you want! It's really that easy!

4. Look at pictures of cute baby animals

Do I really have to explain this?

5. Take your feelings out on someone who doesn't deserve it in the slightest

I only recommend this one if you want to be a complete asshole. I'm not saying you should bully people, but it is possible to turn someone else's misery into your joy. That's all I'm saying.

girl talk!

So I haven't updated in a month. Which I feel bad about, but to those of you who check my blog daily in hopes of finding something new, I have to ask: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SUMMER?!

Anyway, a few days ago I found this little gem on youtube. GIRL TALK! Featuring a very young Sarah Michelle Gellar and Soleil Moon Frye (which has to be one of the stupidest names ever, I'm sorry. Just kidding, I'm not. Her name is really stupid and I won't apologize for that, her parents should). Anyway, it's from 1989, and it's pretty awful. But awful in a way that makes you want to see more. Unfortunately there was only one episode made. It bums me out that the theme song is way too long because I'd like to see more of the girls talking.

I also enjoyed the interview with the guy I had never heard of before. It's nice to know that he once existed.

But I think my favorite part is when they "talk" to the New Kids On The Block (I use that term loosely because you don't really see the girls in the same room with them)! Keep your ears peeled for when one of them says, "when people offer you drugs, if you don't want them, just say no". Solid advice.

It's such a shame that this only lasted one episode. I really would've liked to heard what Joey Lawrence would've had to have said.

douchebag teacher

Can we take a moment to get real about the shitty teachers we had in high school?

Ugh, so I only had one good math teacher in high school. The other two were pretty terrible. The first one we had wouldn't have been too bad but unfortunately she hated me. Like, one time when I wasn't there, she apparently was like, "Sarah shut up!" and my friends were like, "She's not even here...." ...bitch. The class average on the first test she gave us was something like 32%, and then she was like, "It's not my fault you guys suck, I taught you everything perfectly!" Really? It's not your fault that everyone in the class failed the test? Really? You must be right. Clearly we all decided to fail just to make you look bad.

And then we had the second teacher. She had just returned from maternity leave and used her child as an excuse to not teach us. I'm not even kidding, she'd leave at every chance she'd get to go and pick up her kid from day care. Looking back on it I realize I should probably be sympathetic because she clearly suffered from separation anxiety, but at the time I hated her for it and I still kind of do. If you wanted to ask her a question after class then good luck to you because she'd be the first one out the door. One time, I was writing a test during my lunch hour and she was like, "YOU HAVE TO FINISH CAUSE I WANT TO LEAVE TO GET MY KID." I wish I was kidding. But oh my God, the best thing ever was when our school went into lockdown, and she like, couldn't even wait for the school to be certified safe to leave. Really? Really.

This teacher has had at least one more child since I've been in high school. I hope she's not still teaching because now she has one or more reasons to bail on her teaching duties. And also, on behalf of the students in my class that year, I'd like to demand a public apology. Thanks to her shitty job at teaching, my parents had to pay for a math tutor JUST so that I wouldn't fail her class. That wasn't fun.

I get that teaching isn't for everyone, but I believe that if you're going to do it for your career, you have to give it 100%.

newfoundlandia

Off to Newfoundland for a week! Peace out Calgary!

biggest buzzkill awards

Holy fuck, do I ever love Arthur! But you know who sucks? Prunella.

Why is Arthur and his pals friends with this bitch? No, scratch that, they're obviously not friends with her. She's just that weird girl who hangs around with them and they don't have the guts to tell her to leave. But what's her deal? She's in fourth grade and hangs out with third graders. Get some friends Prunella!

She also has the audacity to celebrate her half birthday. Like, how self absorbed can someone be? Surviving for 6 months isn't really a big deal.

And oh my God, one time, Francine worked her ass off in order to afford a doll for Prunella's birthday present. At her party, Prunella opened her gift and was like, "I ALREADY HAVE THIS LOL" and she tossed it aside in front of Francine! I would've smacked the rat nose off of her (I can only assume she's a rat... appropriate)! Oh but it gets worse! After the party, Prunella was like, "Francine ruined my party! She was such a downer!" Holy fuck off! You are the worst friend ever.

I suspect that Prunella lacks a father figure in her life. She probably grew up to be that girl who does anything to impress men. And I mean anything. I wouldn't be surprised if she developed a crack addiction or an eating disorder. Her life will be miserable, but she's smart enough to know that so she'll hate herself for how she turned out. I almost feel sorry for her.

what's next

It's now been over 6 months since I graduated from Film School in Vancouver. For these past few months, the people around me have been inquiring about my future plans, and now I can say that I've finally figured out what those plans are!

It's not going to be a popular decision, but it's something I really feel like I have to do. I'm not sure how or when it's going to happen, but I'm moving to Toronto.

I'll just let you absorb this information.

how to not get a job

The biggest idiot ever came into my work today asking for a job. I though I'd share with you precisely what he did so that you can avoid his mistakes.

First of all, he looked like this:

Well, not really. Anyway. He came into our store asking if we had any job application forms he could fill out. My coworker was like, "No, do you have a resume?" And he was like, "I did but I gave them all away already." And she was like, "Well, print some more off and come back later to give us one."

That's a reasonable thing to say right? And you'd expect him to be like, "okay, thanks, I'll come back later." But instead of leaving he was like, "You guys run the place right?" And we didn't understand what he meant so we were like, "uhh sure?" Then he left and on his way out he was like, "This store is awesome, but your team sucks... JUST KIDDING" and we were like, "lol please leave." and then he did.

BUT THEN! He walked past our store with like, the loudest headphones ever. Like, I could hear his music clearly over the mall's music. Wtf weird guy!

Then my coworker was on her break and she went into the Safeway and saw him filling out an application form and swearing over how difficult it was. Ahahahahahahaha.

tribute to nick

There was a brief time in my life when I was obsessed with CSI. I mean, I watched it religiously for two hours on Spike TV everyday after school. And who could blame me when this total smokeshow was onscreen?

Nick fucking Stokes can crime scene investigate me all day long! By far the hottest dude to ever work in a crime lab. Anyway, Nick is from Texas, in case you can't tell, and even though I stopped watching the show a few seasons ago, he's still a total babe. But I dunno! Bad stuff seems to keep happening to him! Like one time, he had sex with a prostitute and then she died! Nick, what were you thinking?! And this other time, this guy was living in his attic and he had no idea! It was so scary! And I think everyone remembers the episode where he was buried alive! Thanks for the heart attack Quentin Tarantino!

Oh man, now I'm all nostalgic for this show! Me and my friend Jaclyn used to play the computer games too and solved cases like a boss! Grissom would've been proud.

Now this whole post has turned into a boner for CSI... I'm sorry.

But one last cool thing about Nick: HE KILLED JUSTIN BIEBER! Check it!

FREE LANCE

Lance Armstrong is in jail and we gotta get him free! Just kidding, here's a freelance review by my friend Adam DiMarco!

She came. She saw. She went home.

Sarah’s recent romp through Vancouver was, in this reviewer’s opinion, a lot like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” – a forced and uninspired megaflop. This overhyped and underwhelming visit tried desperately to entertain, but ultimately could not sustain itself for the entirety of its 3-day run.

She arrived early Saturday morning – a country girl born in the back alleys of Calgary, lost within the glitz and glamour and back alleys of downtown Vancouver. With nowhere to go, she knocked on the door of fellow friend and former classmate Bobbilee. Forcing entry through the back door (Editor’s note: Ahhaahahaha), she took full advantage of Vancouver’s limitless possibilities by promptly discarding her suitcase and taking a nap.

She awoke up to the sounds of familiar voices – Bobbilee had invited Sarah’s best friends and local power-couple Adam & Tanaya (aka Tanadam BeatMarco) for a late brunch. The food’s lack in quality was superseded only by Sarah’s lack of enthusiasm to see her former schoolyard chums. After an uneventful post-brunch conversation, Sarah excused herself from the proceedings and spent the night with a lesbian couple (Editor’s note: Saying “a lesbian couple” is NOT the same as saying “a couple of lesbians”).

Sunday showed potential – the day began with an early brunch at Hamburger Mary’s Diner. Dave & Patrick were in attendance, and are widely considered to be the primary reasons for its success. However, Sarah sullied the occasion by repeatedly mentioning plans of a “barbeque” with a “friend” named “Rob” in “Richmond” at “3” o’clock.. She promised to meet them later that day at the movie theatre.

After she left, the gang lingered to discuss their varying opinions about this mysterious trip. Some believed that it was code – that a “barbeque in Richmond at 3” was really street-slang for “buying 3 ounces meth,” and that “Rob” was a codename for her drug dealer, “Robert.” All this reviewer knows for certain is that when he saw her next, she was seemingly unable to complete the simple task of buying a ticket for Bridesmaids.

So, onwards she marched. Yet again with nowhere to go, she stumbled back to Bobbilee’s, the only place in Vancouver she knew and felt safe. Her “safe house,” if you will. While Paul & Deon were widely considered to be the lives of this party, Sarah made sure to be the center of attention. After forcing her friends to read to her words that she had written herself, Sarah stole Dave’s alcohol, got drunk, and went back to spend the night with the same lesbian couple as the night before.

You can probably understand why this reviewer didn’t see Sarah for most of Monday. Eventually, the notion of getting to see Nicole and Molly persuaded me to go for dinner at Nando’s, a Mexican fast-food joint that exacted a karma-like revenge on Sarah’s bowel later on when we went for desert at Blenz (with the lovely and talented Kirsten). After that, Sarah followed me home for a block and a half before we parted ways.

Two and half stars.

Adam DiMarco is a Vancouver based actor/writer/sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome.

shit

You guys, I am seriously so disappointed! Last weekend I went to buy a new bicycle with my parents, and I was so psyched and in a hurry about it that I didn't put any effort into how I looked that day.

I mean, this is pretty much what I look like when I put a little work into my appearance:

I know I'm probably not the hottest babe you've ever seen, but I'm not so tough on the eyes right? Unfortunately, here's what I looked like when I went bike shopping:

Not only is it terrible that I went out in public looking like that, but the guy who helped us find bikes was pretty much the hottest guy ever. I'm not even exaggerating, it was so hard to pretend that I wasn't attracted right away cause my parents were there and if they knew they would've made fun of me for it in front of him. But seriously. He looked like this:

He looked just like Zac Efron! And everybody knows that Zac Efron makes me weak in the knees (and moist in the panties... JK as if I'm that saucy... SURPRISE I REALLY AM)! In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was Zac Efron. Ugh, I totally had a chance to get with Zac Efron and I completely blew it.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the fallout of this experience. I mean, it was almost a week ago and I'm still really bummed out about it. Although there is some silver lining! I made a joke and he laughed at it so that was good... but then I self hi-fived myself so... I'll be single forever basically.

awesome things that happened in may!

I'm kind of sorry I haven't written in like a billion years. But I've been busy! And I really did try to write, I swear! I wrote this whole novel on why I don't like Glee, but then blogger decided to puke its brains out so... that was a drag. It was really the biggest FailFest the world has ever known.

ANYWAY! Some really cool things happened in my life this month! So here's a perfect opportunity for me to brag about my life and make you feel jealous! JK, my life isn't that great.

1, I got an e-reader! It's a Sony and it's pretty fantastic. And 2, I got to use it in public at the airport! Holy shit, you have no idea how long I wanted to use my e-reader in public. The feeling I had was indescribable... kind of like when you bring your laptop to someplace that isn't school for the first time, but 10 times better. Fuck yeah reading in public.

3, I went to Vancouver and saw all my friends! Well, not all of them, but a lot of them! Adam DiMarco wrote a scathing review of my visit and I shall be posting it soon (maybe).

4, I had a brief crush on Dave.

And 5, I GOT A NEW BIKE! I seriously forgot how much fun bike riding is. Like, at first I hated it and regretted getting a bike immediately because it kind of felt like anal rape, but like any new sexual experience, I've learned to enjoy it!

So yeah... that's been my life lately. Hopefully next month I'll go back to posting top 5's and biggest buzzkill awards!

Reading vs. Writing

Okay, so I know I haven't been so great at posting this month. I'm afraid that my relationship with Writing has become strained. So I've been hanging out with Reading a lot lately.

My favorite teacher at Mount Royal University told us that Reading was the easiest way to get better at Writing. I think that's the wisest piece of writing advice I've ever heard. Reading is the perfect boyfriend. Reading doesn't care what you weigh, what you look like, what friends you're going out with tonight. Reading doesn't pressure you to do him, and you can do him virtually whenever you want. Reading is always there for you when you need him.

But then there's Writing.

Writing is very rough around the edges. Writing demands your full attention. Writing is judgmental and if you don't do him carefully, you could get into a lot of trouble. Writing expects you to make time to do him, because if you don't, you may not get to do him for a very long time. And if you don't do it up to his standards, he makes you feel badly about yourself.

But when Writing is good, is it ever good. It's like that semi-abusive relationship that everyone finds themselves in at least once in their lives. It's perfect in the beginning; you feel great, maybe even successful! But then things start going downhill. Not drastically, but maybe he starts humiliating you in front of your friends at a fancy dinner party? Maybe he constantly insults your closest friends. But you justify that behavior because you love him and he's just been stressed out at work lately. Eventually things get so bad that you decide to move in with your parents for a while so you can re-evaluate the relationship in peace. Then Writing shows up at 2 am drunk out of his mind threatening you to come back into his life. Your father grabs a shotgun and goes outside to scare him off while your mother tells you and your siblings to hide in the basement while she calls the cops. Yeah, that's Writing, and we've all been there.

Right?

this needs to be a real movie

Seriously.

15

So I know I haven't posted in a while and that's pretty tragic. But tonight has seriously been the first time in a few days that I've actually had time to sit down and write something.

A few weeks ago I found this notebook I used to write in when I was like, 15 and I'd make all my friends read it. I guess it was my 2005 version of blogging? I will share some of it today. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wrote this or the fact that I actually let people read it.

April 4, 2005

"I am a PRO-WRESTLER!"

April 5, 2005

"Mucous is a nasty word. Never name your kid Mucous."

"They lose at life, and I win."

"When I was 3, I pushed my brother down the stairs. It ruled."

Dateless

"Nobody that I know of has ever died from being told to fuck off."

April 6, 2005

"Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? I said 'rofl' out loud once. I was embarrassed. I burnt my face off because I was so ashamed. It grew back the next day."

"One time in band class, my teacher asked me to pick a number between 1 and 3, AND I SAID 4! AHHHH!"

April 7, 2005

"My goal in in life is to drastically change everyone's lives. And I'm on a roll today!"

April 12, 2005

"I've decided to shake up the salad of my life."

"I must confess that I'm Romeo's true love. Not Juliet. We met online and it was love at first email."

On a list of "Movies that Rock My World"

-Lord of the Rings (Epic Journey of Hope)

April 18, 2005

"PAPER WASTERS WILL BURN IN HELL!!"

April 19, 2005

"If good ideas were service hours, I'd be out of prison right now.

April 21, 2005 - On a list of "Things I Hate"

-Not knowing the difference between cheese and a white Smarties bar.

April 27, 2005

"All Bono cares about are poor children in other countries. What an asshole!"

April 29, 2005

"The funniest thing anyone has ever said to me: 'Oh, you're talking about your kids! I thought you were naming your tumors!'"

...I am so glad I grew out of this awkward phase.

umm okay

This entry goes out to my main girl, Tanaya.

So, facebook recently changed their messaging system, and basically, every message I've ever received and sent made its way back into my inbox. 3 years ago I received this message and totally forgot about it and its lulziness:

I was young and clearly wanted to take the high road so I didn't bother carrying the conversation further, but if I had gotten that message today, I'd probably respond with something like this:

Hey man, thanks for pointing out that my name is spelled wrong! Imagine: I went through 21 years of a misspelled name and nobody bothered to tell me! How embarrassing! Thank God for people like you who think that telling complete strangers on Facebook that their first names are improperly spelled is an appropriate thing to do! Most people probably wouldn't have that kind of courage! But _________, I'm a little confused. We've clearly established that my name is incorrectly spelled, but I must ask, how am I supposed to spell my name? I'm afraid that you didn't really specify.

Oh and ______, thank you for calling me "hott". There is nothing more flattering than being complimented by a stranger on the internet. And for the record, I'm not Serbian. In fact, I'm Croatian, and given the bad blood between our ethnic backgrounds, I'm afraid that our love will never be.

Thanks so much!

Sarah

or is it Sara?

Sarha?

I don't fucking know.

biggest buzzkill awards: babies on TV

I hate when I'm really into a show, and suddenly a character mentions that they're pregnant. I think it's weak writing and it's just so cliche and overdone and the baby eventually kills the show. I don't hate babies, but it's very rare for them to have an appropriate place on television. Here are 3 case studies of shows that were ruined by babies:

1. Friends

Think back to when this show was awesome. Then think back to when it started sucking. It was right after Rachel had the baby, wasn't it? The weirdest part of the whole thing was that the season featuring her pregnancy was really good, but after the birth episode... it just sucked. The pregnancy was made out to be this huge thing, and when the baby was born, you rarely saw it. They had that totally weak Rachel/Joey storyline, and the only mildly interesting thing that came out of that was the conflict between Joey and Ross. The only consolation prize that came from the baby years of Friends was that Paul Rudd was on the show. I'd have his baby any day.

2. That 70's Show

By all means, please allow yourself a few minutes to remember the epic moments of this show. It might've been when Eric pulled down Donna's pants when they were playing basketball. Or maybe it was their trip to Canada. Maybe even the time they said they were going to go streaking. Yeah, this show used to be awesome. Why did we stop watching it? Because Kelso got a girl pregnant, and we just didn't care after that. And we were right to stop caring, because soon after Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace left the show, Donna was blonde, Lindsay Lohan was guest starring (and this was a copout because she was at the peak of her career at the time), and the show died slowly and painfully.

3. Rugrats
The strangest part about this case study is that the show was about babies. How could a baby kill a show about babies? Well, it's possible, and it did happen. Think back to this show when it was in its prime. How many babies were there? One less than five? Yep.

The Exception

You can hate on Sex and the City all you want, but one thing you can't say is that the baby killed this show. I have a few theories on how this worked: 1) the character who had the baby was the least popular character, so people didn't mind seeing her get punished for it. 2) the show is about sex, sex can sometimes lead to a pregnancy, so it seemed like a very obvious story line to have at some point. And 3) people didn't care as long as Kim Cattrall kept showing her boobs.

Awesome Show That Would Be Ruined By A Baby

How I Met Your Mother is easily one of the best sitcoms on TV right now, but a baby would totally jeopardize that. Unless they did it right, it would probably die the same death that Friends did; make a huge deal about the pregnancy, then have the baby, followed by a strange absence of said baby. I would stop watching then and there, and pray that the show would go to sitcom heaven.

things I'm liking lately!

-LUSH baths

-my new iPhone. omg I will never go back to Blackberry.

-Sunshine.

-Driving with the sun roof open.

-Watching movies about people who's lives are shittier than mine.

-Rarely wearing pants.

-Rarely wearing bras.

-Rarely wearing anything.

-Ice cream cones.

-Sunglasses.

-Cute dresses.

-Upcoming trips.

-Not giving a fuck about boys for once in my life.

-Fighting for my right to parrrrrrrrrrtay!

-Being healthier.

-Getting stronger.

-Money.

-Having enough money to not give a fuck about money. (not yet but I will get there.)

-Making important decisions.

-Team Rocket's antics.

-Lip balm.

-Discovering my potential.

-Parks and Recreation is finally funny.

-Eating Japanese food while watching Japanese television.

-Good hair days.

-Spending time with friends.

-Encouragement.

-Saving money.

-Letting things go.

who wore it better?

Who was the best at accessorizing with a kitten?

Stephen Harper

Michael Ignatieff

This is unrelated, but I found a picture of Jack Layton rocking out on what seems to be an airplane. That's pretty awesome.

And don't forget, on May 2nd you can head to the polls and vote for one of the above three (or others, depending on your riding) to become our Prime Minister!

top 5 gifts I don't like getting

So we've all received some bad gifts at one time or another. And some people might say, "people who complain about the gifts they receive are just ungrateful". Well, those people are liars. I don't care who you are, you get bummed out when you get a gift you didn't really want. Here's a list of gifts I personally hate getting.

1. Self Help Books

I get really insulted when someone gives me a self help book. It's like they've noticed a flaw that I have, and they're pressuring me to change it by spending my valuable time reading. Don't get me wrong, I like reading, but I don't care much to spend a few hours learning how something I've been doing with my life is completely wrong.

2. Chocolate

I am not a huge chocolate fan. I pretty much only eat it when I crave it. The chocolate I often receive at Christmas time lasts me well into February. So save me a few thousand calories and give me some cash instead.

3. Towels

I'm not even kidding about this, but one Christmas, my grandfather and his wife gave me and my brother towels for Christmas. We have yet to forgive them.

4. Souvenir T-Shirts

Ugh, seriously. I have about fifty million of them and I don't think I can take anymore. I think I'm just going to have to refuse to accept them. I mean, they never fit properly enough to be worn in public, so I just resort to wearing them around the house, when I'm working out, or when I'm sleeping. AND I DON'T NEED TEN THOUSAND SHIRTS TO DO THESE AFOREMENTIONED THINGS! Jesus Christ, get me a keychain or a snow globe instead.

5. A Donation in Your Name

This may seem like a nice idea, but unless I asked for it specifically, I will hate you forever. Especially if it comes with an obnoxious little note like the one above.

So there you have it for your future reference. You are of course allowed to buy me these things if you have asked me permission, but chances are I will not grant it to you so... get me something better, k?

help sarah go to vancouver on may long!

Here's the deal:

It looks like I'm going to have all of May Long Weekend off from work. I didn't even ask for it off, so this just may be a sign from Jesus. I've been wanting to visit Vancouver pretty much since I left in December, and this might be a perfect time to go! The only problem is that I need to come up with money, and fast. So here's where you come in! DON'T LET ME SPEND MY MONEY! Especially on things I don't need. There are of course, other expenses in my life right now that I absolutely cannot get around... but things like coffee, lunch at the food court, etc... I can live without it.

That's pretty much all you can do... unless you wanted to pay for my trip... that'd be pretty awesome.

Much love,

Sarah

UPDATE:

So... by some miracle I had enough space on my credit card to book these flights... SO THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING PEOPLE!

I still love you,

Sarah

my favorite song!

I discovered this a few months ago and it's been bringing me great joy ever since:

biggest buzzkill awards

Don't you hate it when you find a really enjoyable show on television, but there's always one character that you absolutely can't stand? Let me introduce you to Randall Weems, the biggest buzzkill from one of the best shows of our childhood, Recess.

What was this kid's deal? He basically walked around the playground and spied on kids in case any shit went down. And if it did, he'd immediately report to Ms. Finster, who, looking back on the show now, reminds me of a certain third grade teacher we all had. But that's not important. What I'm trying to explain is that this little puke got his boners from ruining everyone else's fun, and if that's not a definition of a buzzkill, I don't know what is.

But you know what grinds my gears most about him? The fact that he wonders why he has no friends. Really Randall? Do I seriously have to explain it to you? Remember the time his dad (aka an animated Steve Buscemi) came to school and he had to beg the main Recess gang to pretend to be his friends? How pathetic! Could there be anything more embarrassing for everyone involved? Oh yeah, how about if Randall's dad found out that they were only pretending to be Randall's friend? Wait, that actually happened? Why am I not surprised?!

Also, when I was in elementary school, I got along with my teachers. But they weren't my friends. Randall has lunch with Ms. Finster everyday and that's kind of weird. And what's even weirder is that Ms. Finster doesn't encourage him to grow into a more social person. It kind of makes me wonder about the nature of their relationship... does Randall's mother know what's going on? If he gets off so much on snitching, why won't he tell anyone what's REALLY going on between him and his teacher? Think of the glory he would get for putting that sex offender behind bars!

Normally I'd speculate on what kind of person Randall would grow up to be, but I think we all know that he grew up to be Moe from The Simpsons. And it's no secret that Moe is miserable and lonely. So I'm okay with how Randall's life turned out.

And so, for being the biggest tattle-tale that TV land has ever seen, I am (un)happy to present the Biggest Buzzkill Award to Randall Weems. Douche.

do the right thing

I can't watch animals suffer without trying to help, so if you're reading this, check out the horrors that are happening at the Guzoo Animal Farm in Three Hills, Alberta.

You can sign a petition to shut down the "zoo" here.

Thanks!

Oh sweet... another election

Hey Canada, we're having another federal election! Do you know who you're voting for?

Cause I don't.

Don't worry, I'm not going to use my blog to tell you who I think you should vote for (unlike most bloggers). And I won't lie, I'm not the most educated on the subject of Canadian politics. But I do know that voter apathy is an issue among Canada's youth, so here I am, a Canadian youth, offering my voice on the situation.

In the past, I have worked towards fighting the good fight against voter apathy - by proudly casting my ballot and encouraging my peers to do so as well. However, I'm just about ready to wave my white flag.

First of all, I'm starting to feel like Canada has an election as regularly as a healthy woman's menstrual cycle. Of course I'm exaggerating, but it seems as though the past few elections have costed millions of dollars and much of our precious time while the results have always been similar. I'm getting this kind of "my vote won't change anything" kind of vibe from people, and to be honest, I'm feeling that attitude too.

Secondly, the candidates don't appeal to us. I don't know if they even try to relate to us. In America, politicians will appear on Saturday Night Live... if the Canadian government wants young people to vote, they need to step up their game. Maybe a whole bunch of famous Canadians can get together and make inspirational videos about how important it is to vote! Imagine: A PSA featuring Justin Bieber explaining how important democracy is, followed by an acoustic rendition of one of his songs. He could even change the lyrics to baby, baby, baby, vooooooote! But you know what, this would probably never work because everyone would probably just vote for whichever candidate doesn't have Nickelback's vote. But you know what I mean. Appeal to the youth.

And lastly, and the most frustrating part for me is the fact that none of the candidates are trustworthy. I mean, I usually like at least one major candidate more than the others, but not so much this time. We've got Stephen Harper, a man who can't even be honest enough to admit the fact that his hair is fake; Michael Ignatieff, a man who calls for an election even though he's slipping in the polls; and Jack Layton, who reminds me of a guy that might drive a white van and hang around elementary schools (that's probably not true at all, but he does creep me out and I know I'm not the only one). And then we have Elizabeth May, who I don't know too much about, other than the fact that there's virtually no chance of her party ever rising to power.

So there we are with my theories on why young people seem to not care about Canadian politics. Facetiousness aside, I'm definitely becoming worried about the future state of our country (and the rest of the world, really). I'm concerned that none of the above choices will be progressive ones. Maybe it's not too late for Mayor Naheed Nenshi to start a campaign?

top 5 cartoons I will force my future children to watch

Okay, confession time... I love cartoons. Children's cartoons. And I'm 21. And if I ever have children, they'd better love cartoons too. Or else I'll make them watch me eat giant jars of Nutella all by myself and I will not share. I haven't done a top 5 in a while, so here's a list of the top 5 cartoons I will make my children watch:

1. Franklin

Raise your hand if the first thing you thought when you saw this picture was "HEEEEEEY IT'S FRANKLIN!"

Franklin can count by twos and tie his shoes. He can button buttons and zip zippers. He's also kind of a huge idiot. He's a perfect example of how to fail at life. I know he's young and all, but seriously Franklin, you are the stupidest one out of all of your friends. And on a side note: Why does Badger need walkers? Never mind, I just wikipedia'd the show and apparently Badger has cerebral palsy but it was never mentioned on the show. What's the point of giving a character a disability and never mentioning it? Regardless, I'll make my future kids watch this show so they can learn to not do stupid shit like lose their favorite toy.

2. Pokemon

What is going on in this picture? I don't even care because IT. IS. AWESOME.

Shit yeah, I love this show. I'm actually in the process of watching all of it from the very beginning, which is kind of daunting because there are 14 seasons and counting. I haven't decided yet if I want my kids to watch this show in its entirety... it will all depend on if Jesse and James from Team Rocket will ever hook up (I REALLY HOPE THEY DO! Or at least just make out a little to see what it's like).

3. Babar

Babar looks better in green than St. Patrick. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

Holy shit, Babar. Did you know that Babar's wife, Celeste, is his cousin? GROSS! But I try not to judge. That tends to happen a lot in the animal world. Anyway, Babar is pretty awesome, but the REAL star of the show is Retaxes. Even though he's like, the most passive aggressive villain ever. I mean, he's definitely the antagonist most of the time, but he never puts Celesteville in any real danger. What's your deal Retaxes?

4. Arthur

The biggest badass motherfucker on PBS.

I don't have to justify how awesome Arthur is. I still watch this shit like the world will end if I don't.

5. Ferngully

The Batty Koda rap: the anthem of our generation

This is what I'll force my kids to watch when they've been misbehaving, because chances are, Hexxus will scare the shit out of them like it did to me. Hell, I'm still afraid of Hexxus. Regardless of how much shit in my pants Hexxus has caused me over the years, this is still one of the best movies ever.