FREE LANCE

Lance Armstrong is in jail and we gotta get him free! Just kidding, here's a freelance review by my friend Adam DiMarco!

She came. She saw. She went home.

Sarah’s recent romp through Vancouver was, in this reviewer’s opinion, a lot like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” – a forced and uninspired megaflop. This overhyped and underwhelming visit tried desperately to entertain, but ultimately could not sustain itself for the entirety of its 3-day run.

She arrived early Saturday morning – a country girl born in the back alleys of Calgary, lost within the glitz and glamour and back alleys of downtown Vancouver. With nowhere to go, she knocked on the door of fellow friend and former classmate Bobbilee. Forcing entry through the back door (Editor’s note: Ahhaahahaha), she took full advantage of Vancouver’s limitless possibilities by promptly discarding her suitcase and taking a nap.

She awoke up to the sounds of familiar voices – Bobbilee had invited Sarah’s best friends and local power-couple Adam & Tanaya (aka Tanadam BeatMarco) for a late brunch. The food’s lack in quality was superseded only by Sarah’s lack of enthusiasm to see her former schoolyard chums. After an uneventful post-brunch conversation, Sarah excused herself from the proceedings and spent the night with a lesbian couple (Editor’s note: Saying “a lesbian couple” is NOT the same as saying “a couple of lesbians”).

Sunday showed potential – the day began with an early brunch at Hamburger Mary’s Diner. Dave & Patrick were in attendance, and are widely considered to be the primary reasons for its success. However, Sarah sullied the occasion by repeatedly mentioning plans of a “barbeque” with a “friend” named “Rob” in “Richmond” at “3” o’clock.. She promised to meet them later that day at the movie theatre.

After she left, the gang lingered to discuss their varying opinions about this mysterious trip. Some believed that it was code – that a “barbeque in Richmond at 3” was really street-slang for “buying 3 ounces meth,” and that “Rob” was a codename for her drug dealer, “Robert.” All this reviewer knows for certain is that when he saw her next, she was seemingly unable to complete the simple task of buying a ticket for Bridesmaids.

So, onwards she marched. Yet again with nowhere to go, she stumbled back to Bobbilee’s, the only place in Vancouver she knew and felt safe. Her “safe house,” if you will. While Paul & Deon were widely considered to be the lives of this party, Sarah made sure to be the center of attention. After forcing her friends to read to her words that she had written herself, Sarah stole Dave’s alcohol, got drunk, and went back to spend the night with the same lesbian couple as the night before.

You can probably understand why this reviewer didn’t see Sarah for most of Monday. Eventually, the notion of getting to see Nicole and Molly persuaded me to go for dinner at Nando’s, a Mexican fast-food joint that exacted a karma-like revenge on Sarah’s bowel later on when we went for desert at Blenz (with the lovely and talented Kirsten). After that, Sarah followed me home for a block and a half before we parted ways.

Two and half stars.

Adam DiMarco is a Vancouver based actor/writer/sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome.