douchebag teacher

Can we take a moment to get real about the shitty teachers we had in high school?

Ugh, so I only had one good math teacher in high school. The other two were pretty terrible. The first one we had wouldn't have been too bad but unfortunately she hated me. Like, one time when I wasn't there, she apparently was like, "Sarah shut up!" and my friends were like, "She's not even here...." ...bitch. The class average on the first test she gave us was something like 32%, and then she was like, "It's not my fault you guys suck, I taught you everything perfectly!" Really? It's not your fault that everyone in the class failed the test? Really? You must be right. Clearly we all decided to fail just to make you look bad.

And then we had the second teacher. She had just returned from maternity leave and used her child as an excuse to not teach us. I'm not even kidding, she'd leave at every chance she'd get to go and pick up her kid from day care. Looking back on it I realize I should probably be sympathetic because she clearly suffered from separation anxiety, but at the time I hated her for it and I still kind of do. If you wanted to ask her a question after class then good luck to you because she'd be the first one out the door. One time, I was writing a test during my lunch hour and she was like, "YOU HAVE TO FINISH CAUSE I WANT TO LEAVE TO GET MY KID." I wish I was kidding. But oh my God, the best thing ever was when our school went into lockdown, and she like, couldn't even wait for the school to be certified safe to leave. Really? Really.

This teacher has had at least one more child since I've been in high school. I hope she's not still teaching because now she has one or more reasons to bail on her teaching duties. And also, on behalf of the students in my class that year, I'd like to demand a public apology. Thanks to her shitty job at teaching, my parents had to pay for a math tutor JUST so that I wouldn't fail her class. That wasn't fun.

I get that teaching isn't for everyone, but I believe that if you're going to do it for your career, you have to give it 100%.

newfoundlandia

Off to Newfoundland for a week! Peace out Calgary!

biggest buzzkill awards

Holy fuck, do I ever love Arthur! But you know who sucks? Prunella.

Why is Arthur and his pals friends with this bitch? No, scratch that, they're obviously not friends with her. She's just that weird girl who hangs around with them and they don't have the guts to tell her to leave. But what's her deal? She's in fourth grade and hangs out with third graders. Get some friends Prunella!

She also has the audacity to celebrate her half birthday. Like, how self absorbed can someone be? Surviving for 6 months isn't really a big deal.

And oh my God, one time, Francine worked her ass off in order to afford a doll for Prunella's birthday present. At her party, Prunella opened her gift and was like, "I ALREADY HAVE THIS LOL" and she tossed it aside in front of Francine! I would've smacked the rat nose off of her (I can only assume she's a rat... appropriate)! Oh but it gets worse! After the party, Prunella was like, "Francine ruined my party! She was such a downer!" Holy fuck off! You are the worst friend ever.

I suspect that Prunella lacks a father figure in her life. She probably grew up to be that girl who does anything to impress men. And I mean anything. I wouldn't be surprised if she developed a crack addiction or an eating disorder. Her life will be miserable, but she's smart enough to know that so she'll hate herself for how she turned out. I almost feel sorry for her.

what's next

It's now been over 6 months since I graduated from Film School in Vancouver. For these past few months, the people around me have been inquiring about my future plans, and now I can say that I've finally figured out what those plans are!

It's not going to be a popular decision, but it's something I really feel like I have to do. I'm not sure how or when it's going to happen, but I'm moving to Toronto.

I'll just let you absorb this information.

how to not get a job

The biggest idiot ever came into my work today asking for a job. I though I'd share with you precisely what he did so that you can avoid his mistakes.

First of all, he looked like this:

Well, not really. Anyway. He came into our store asking if we had any job application forms he could fill out. My coworker was like, "No, do you have a resume?" And he was like, "I did but I gave them all away already." And she was like, "Well, print some more off and come back later to give us one."

That's a reasonable thing to say right? And you'd expect him to be like, "okay, thanks, I'll come back later." But instead of leaving he was like, "You guys run the place right?" And we didn't understand what he meant so we were like, "uhh sure?" Then he left and on his way out he was like, "This store is awesome, but your team sucks... JUST KIDDING" and we were like, "lol please leave." and then he did.

BUT THEN! He walked past our store with like, the loudest headphones ever. Like, I could hear his music clearly over the mall's music. Wtf weird guy!

Then my coworker was on her break and she went into the Safeway and saw him filling out an application form and swearing over how difficult it was. Ahahahahahahaha.

tribute to nick

There was a brief time in my life when I was obsessed with CSI. I mean, I watched it religiously for two hours on Spike TV everyday after school. And who could blame me when this total smokeshow was onscreen?

Nick fucking Stokes can crime scene investigate me all day long! By far the hottest dude to ever work in a crime lab. Anyway, Nick is from Texas, in case you can't tell, and even though I stopped watching the show a few seasons ago, he's still a total babe. But I dunno! Bad stuff seems to keep happening to him! Like one time, he had sex with a prostitute and then she died! Nick, what were you thinking?! And this other time, this guy was living in his attic and he had no idea! It was so scary! And I think everyone remembers the episode where he was buried alive! Thanks for the heart attack Quentin Tarantino!

Oh man, now I'm all nostalgic for this show! Me and my friend Jaclyn used to play the computer games too and solved cases like a boss! Grissom would've been proud.

Now this whole post has turned into a boner for CSI... I'm sorry.

But one last cool thing about Nick: HE KILLED JUSTIN BIEBER! Check it!

FREE LANCE

Lance Armstrong is in jail and we gotta get him free! Just kidding, here's a freelance review by my friend Adam DiMarco!

She came. She saw. She went home.

Sarah’s recent romp through Vancouver was, in this reviewer’s opinion, a lot like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” – a forced and uninspired megaflop. This overhyped and underwhelming visit tried desperately to entertain, but ultimately could not sustain itself for the entirety of its 3-day run.

She arrived early Saturday morning – a country girl born in the back alleys of Calgary, lost within the glitz and glamour and back alleys of downtown Vancouver. With nowhere to go, she knocked on the door of fellow friend and former classmate Bobbilee. Forcing entry through the back door (Editor’s note: Ahhaahahaha), she took full advantage of Vancouver’s limitless possibilities by promptly discarding her suitcase and taking a nap.

She awoke up to the sounds of familiar voices – Bobbilee had invited Sarah’s best friends and local power-couple Adam & Tanaya (aka Tanadam BeatMarco) for a late brunch. The food’s lack in quality was superseded only by Sarah’s lack of enthusiasm to see her former schoolyard chums. After an uneventful post-brunch conversation, Sarah excused herself from the proceedings and spent the night with a lesbian couple (Editor’s note: Saying “a lesbian couple” is NOT the same as saying “a couple of lesbians”).

Sunday showed potential – the day began with an early brunch at Hamburger Mary’s Diner. Dave & Patrick were in attendance, and are widely considered to be the primary reasons for its success. However, Sarah sullied the occasion by repeatedly mentioning plans of a “barbeque” with a “friend” named “Rob” in “Richmond” at “3” o’clock.. She promised to meet them later that day at the movie theatre.

After she left, the gang lingered to discuss their varying opinions about this mysterious trip. Some believed that it was code – that a “barbeque in Richmond at 3” was really street-slang for “buying 3 ounces meth,” and that “Rob” was a codename for her drug dealer, “Robert.” All this reviewer knows for certain is that when he saw her next, she was seemingly unable to complete the simple task of buying a ticket for Bridesmaids.

So, onwards she marched. Yet again with nowhere to go, she stumbled back to Bobbilee’s, the only place in Vancouver she knew and felt safe. Her “safe house,” if you will. While Paul & Deon were widely considered to be the lives of this party, Sarah made sure to be the center of attention. After forcing her friends to read to her words that she had written herself, Sarah stole Dave’s alcohol, got drunk, and went back to spend the night with the same lesbian couple as the night before.

You can probably understand why this reviewer didn’t see Sarah for most of Monday. Eventually, the notion of getting to see Nicole and Molly persuaded me to go for dinner at Nando’s, a Mexican fast-food joint that exacted a karma-like revenge on Sarah’s bowel later on when we went for desert at Blenz (with the lovely and talented Kirsten). After that, Sarah followed me home for a block and a half before we parted ways.

Two and half stars.

Adam DiMarco is a Vancouver based actor/writer/sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome.

shit

You guys, I am seriously so disappointed! Last weekend I went to buy a new bicycle with my parents, and I was so psyched and in a hurry about it that I didn't put any effort into how I looked that day.

I mean, this is pretty much what I look like when I put a little work into my appearance:

I know I'm probably not the hottest babe you've ever seen, but I'm not so tough on the eyes right? Unfortunately, here's what I looked like when I went bike shopping:

Not only is it terrible that I went out in public looking like that, but the guy who helped us find bikes was pretty much the hottest guy ever. I'm not even exaggerating, it was so hard to pretend that I wasn't attracted right away cause my parents were there and if they knew they would've made fun of me for it in front of him. But seriously. He looked like this:

He looked just like Zac Efron! And everybody knows that Zac Efron makes me weak in the knees (and moist in the panties... JK as if I'm that saucy... SURPRISE I REALLY AM)! In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was Zac Efron. Ugh, I totally had a chance to get with Zac Efron and I completely blew it.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the fallout of this experience. I mean, it was almost a week ago and I'm still really bummed out about it. Although there is some silver lining! I made a joke and he laughed at it so that was good... but then I self hi-fived myself so... I'll be single forever basically.