how to not get a job

The biggest idiot ever came into my work today asking for a job. I though I'd share with you precisely what he did so that you can avoid his mistakes.

First of all, he looked like this:

Well, not really. Anyway. He came into our store asking if we had any job application forms he could fill out. My coworker was like, "No, do you have a resume?" And he was like, "I did but I gave them all away already." And she was like, "Well, print some more off and come back later to give us one."

That's a reasonable thing to say right? And you'd expect him to be like, "okay, thanks, I'll come back later." But instead of leaving he was like, "You guys run the place right?" And we didn't understand what he meant so we were like, "uhh sure?" Then he left and on his way out he was like, "This store is awesome, but your team sucks... JUST KIDDING" and we were like, "lol please leave." and then he did.

BUT THEN! He walked past our store with like, the loudest headphones ever. Like, I could hear his music clearly over the mall's music. Wtf weird guy!

Then my coworker was on her break and she went into the Safeway and saw him filling out an application form and swearing over how difficult it was. Ahahahahahahaha.

tribute to nick

There was a brief time in my life when I was obsessed with CSI. I mean, I watched it religiously for two hours on Spike TV everyday after school. And who could blame me when this total smokeshow was onscreen?

Nick fucking Stokes can crime scene investigate me all day long! By far the hottest dude to ever work in a crime lab. Anyway, Nick is from Texas, in case you can't tell, and even though I stopped watching the show a few seasons ago, he's still a total babe. But I dunno! Bad stuff seems to keep happening to him! Like one time, he had sex with a prostitute and then she died! Nick, what were you thinking?! And this other time, this guy was living in his attic and he had no idea! It was so scary! And I think everyone remembers the episode where he was buried alive! Thanks for the heart attack Quentin Tarantino!

Oh man, now I'm all nostalgic for this show! Me and my friend Jaclyn used to play the computer games too and solved cases like a boss! Grissom would've been proud.

Now this whole post has turned into a boner for CSI... I'm sorry.

But one last cool thing about Nick: HE KILLED JUSTIN BIEBER! Check it!

FREE LANCE

Lance Armstrong is in jail and we gotta get him free! Just kidding, here's a freelance review by my friend Adam DiMarco!

She came. She saw. She went home.

Sarah’s recent romp through Vancouver was, in this reviewer’s opinion, a lot like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” – a forced and uninspired megaflop. This overhyped and underwhelming visit tried desperately to entertain, but ultimately could not sustain itself for the entirety of its 3-day run.

She arrived early Saturday morning – a country girl born in the back alleys of Calgary, lost within the glitz and glamour and back alleys of downtown Vancouver. With nowhere to go, she knocked on the door of fellow friend and former classmate Bobbilee. Forcing entry through the back door (Editor’s note: Ahhaahahaha), she took full advantage of Vancouver’s limitless possibilities by promptly discarding her suitcase and taking a nap.

She awoke up to the sounds of familiar voices – Bobbilee had invited Sarah’s best friends and local power-couple Adam & Tanaya (aka Tanadam BeatMarco) for a late brunch. The food’s lack in quality was superseded only by Sarah’s lack of enthusiasm to see her former schoolyard chums. After an uneventful post-brunch conversation, Sarah excused herself from the proceedings and spent the night with a lesbian couple (Editor’s note: Saying “a lesbian couple” is NOT the same as saying “a couple of lesbians”).

Sunday showed potential – the day began with an early brunch at Hamburger Mary’s Diner. Dave & Patrick were in attendance, and are widely considered to be the primary reasons for its success. However, Sarah sullied the occasion by repeatedly mentioning plans of a “barbeque” with a “friend” named “Rob” in “Richmond” at “3” o’clock.. She promised to meet them later that day at the movie theatre.

After she left, the gang lingered to discuss their varying opinions about this mysterious trip. Some believed that it was code – that a “barbeque in Richmond at 3” was really street-slang for “buying 3 ounces meth,” and that “Rob” was a codename for her drug dealer, “Robert.” All this reviewer knows for certain is that when he saw her next, she was seemingly unable to complete the simple task of buying a ticket for Bridesmaids.

So, onwards she marched. Yet again with nowhere to go, she stumbled back to Bobbilee’s, the only place in Vancouver she knew and felt safe. Her “safe house,” if you will. While Paul & Deon were widely considered to be the lives of this party, Sarah made sure to be the center of attention. After forcing her friends to read to her words that she had written herself, Sarah stole Dave’s alcohol, got drunk, and went back to spend the night with the same lesbian couple as the night before.

You can probably understand why this reviewer didn’t see Sarah for most of Monday. Eventually, the notion of getting to see Nicole and Molly persuaded me to go for dinner at Nando’s, a Mexican fast-food joint that exacted a karma-like revenge on Sarah’s bowel later on when we went for desert at Blenz (with the lovely and talented Kirsten). After that, Sarah followed me home for a block and a half before we parted ways.

Two and half stars.

Adam DiMarco is a Vancouver based actor/writer/sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome.

shit

You guys, I am seriously so disappointed! Last weekend I went to buy a new bicycle with my parents, and I was so psyched and in a hurry about it that I didn't put any effort into how I looked that day.

I mean, this is pretty much what I look like when I put a little work into my appearance:

I know I'm probably not the hottest babe you've ever seen, but I'm not so tough on the eyes right? Unfortunately, here's what I looked like when I went bike shopping:

Not only is it terrible that I went out in public looking like that, but the guy who helped us find bikes was pretty much the hottest guy ever. I'm not even exaggerating, it was so hard to pretend that I wasn't attracted right away cause my parents were there and if they knew they would've made fun of me for it in front of him. But seriously. He looked like this:

He looked just like Zac Efron! And everybody knows that Zac Efron makes me weak in the knees (and moist in the panties... JK as if I'm that saucy... SURPRISE I REALLY AM)! In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was Zac Efron. Ugh, I totally had a chance to get with Zac Efron and I completely blew it.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the fallout of this experience. I mean, it was almost a week ago and I'm still really bummed out about it. Although there is some silver lining! I made a joke and he laughed at it so that was good... but then I self hi-fived myself so... I'll be single forever basically.

awesome things that happened in may!

I'm kind of sorry I haven't written in like a billion years. But I've been busy! And I really did try to write, I swear! I wrote this whole novel on why I don't like Glee, but then blogger decided to puke its brains out so... that was a drag. It was really the biggest FailFest the world has ever known.

ANYWAY! Some really cool things happened in my life this month! So here's a perfect opportunity for me to brag about my life and make you feel jealous! JK, my life isn't that great.

1, I got an e-reader! It's a Sony and it's pretty fantastic. And 2, I got to use it in public at the airport! Holy shit, you have no idea how long I wanted to use my e-reader in public. The feeling I had was indescribable... kind of like when you bring your laptop to someplace that isn't school for the first time, but 10 times better. Fuck yeah reading in public.

3, I went to Vancouver and saw all my friends! Well, not all of them, but a lot of them! Adam DiMarco wrote a scathing review of my visit and I shall be posting it soon (maybe).

4, I had a brief crush on Dave.

And 5, I GOT A NEW BIKE! I seriously forgot how much fun bike riding is. Like, at first I hated it and regretted getting a bike immediately because it kind of felt like anal rape, but like any new sexual experience, I've learned to enjoy it!

So yeah... that's been my life lately. Hopefully next month I'll go back to posting top 5's and biggest buzzkill awards!

Reading vs. Writing

Okay, so I know I haven't been so great at posting this month. I'm afraid that my relationship with Writing has become strained. So I've been hanging out with Reading a lot lately.

My favorite teacher at Mount Royal University told us that Reading was the easiest way to get better at Writing. I think that's the wisest piece of writing advice I've ever heard. Reading is the perfect boyfriend. Reading doesn't care what you weigh, what you look like, what friends you're going out with tonight. Reading doesn't pressure you to do him, and you can do him virtually whenever you want. Reading is always there for you when you need him.

But then there's Writing.

Writing is very rough around the edges. Writing demands your full attention. Writing is judgmental and if you don't do him carefully, you could get into a lot of trouble. Writing expects you to make time to do him, because if you don't, you may not get to do him for a very long time. And if you don't do it up to his standards, he makes you feel badly about yourself.

But when Writing is good, is it ever good. It's like that semi-abusive relationship that everyone finds themselves in at least once in their lives. It's perfect in the beginning; you feel great, maybe even successful! But then things start going downhill. Not drastically, but maybe he starts humiliating you in front of your friends at a fancy dinner party? Maybe he constantly insults your closest friends. But you justify that behavior because you love him and he's just been stressed out at work lately. Eventually things get so bad that you decide to move in with your parents for a while so you can re-evaluate the relationship in peace. Then Writing shows up at 2 am drunk out of his mind threatening you to come back into his life. Your father grabs a shotgun and goes outside to scare him off while your mother tells you and your siblings to hide in the basement while she calls the cops. Yeah, that's Writing, and we've all been there.

Right?

this needs to be a real movie

Seriously.